Where do we go from here?

*deep breath*

It is starting to take a lot of…energy to deal with Cheffy. It’s jard for me to really put a finger on exactly what it is. Like I said yesterday, he can be an asshole at times…but I can be a bitch at times, so that isn’t really something I can call him on. One thing (I get the oddest flashes of clarity in the shower) that occurred to be today was that he tends not to listen to me. When we are having our little ‘discussions’ I will say something, and mean precisely want I say, but he filters it through some half-assed this-is-what-Jazzy-‘MEANS’ translator of his that is just broke.
I know that I have a tendency to keep shit to myself, and I work on that on a daily basis. But once I get to the point that I do speak out… I say what I’m thinking and how I feel… as exactly as I can. And to have him ‘interpret’ what I’m saying, and then act on that rather than what I said…is frustrating as hell. And the sad part is no matter how many times I go back over the same shit, he STILL doesn’t hear what I am saying, he hears what he wants to hear, or what he ‘thinks’ I’m saying. And I’m getting to the point where I’m really just tired of talking. Why bother when I’m not being listened to?

Another thing, is that he tends to treat me as if…I’m inadequate somehow. Like I need constant guidance in how to deal with a relationship, as if he knows just so much freaking more than I do about interacting with people. While I have to admit, I haven’t had exactly the BEST track record when it comes to relationships (based on some other things) I’m not too thrilled about being treated like the kid who rides the short bus. Then again, that might just be a side effect of his *thinks* arrogant façade. He tends to be one of those folx who firmly believes that they shit don’t stink…until I firmly pop his bubble…and he changes for a hot second…and then it’s back to the ‘Cheffy – King of the World’ attitude.

The latest thing that has been heating up my…blood pressure I guess is that he tends to come in late (and that is expected because he works late) but then he wants to sit and have conversations. While I do love talking to him, and while I know that I don’t see him that much…wouldn’t most intelligent and considerate people consider that waking someone up who has to be to work in 5 hours and who has been sleep for about 3 to have a deep conversation really isn’t the wisest course to take?

*sighs* Anyhow…I don’t know what’s going ‘on’ here with us. I feel us slowly creeping down the slippery slope towards breaking up, and I don’t want that to happen. Then I start thinking about why I don’t want it to happen, and I really can’t come up with any GOOD reasons. I would miss him yes…but I think I would be able to keep him as a friend. With him it’s always been a different kind of thing… more low level, never burning quite as hard or as bright as some of my other love affairs have. And I feel like we are hitting a foggy area right now, and I don’t know how to clear it up.

*sighs* Anyhow I needed to get that out. I think that we will actually be around each other during ‘normal’ hours over the weekend…and I think we will have a talk then. *sighs* I just feel so…un-hopeful about our little ‘talks’ because…well…maybe we need to talk about his interpreter and see if that helps.

Stay Jazzed.