Prosperity

Ya know - something really hit me yesterday.  C had to get his car fixed, and when I went and checked the bank account, we were like 120 bucks in the hole - and he doesn't get paid until next week.  I KNEW that I could cover it (borrowing from a very laid back Peter to pay a bitch ass, charge you 32 dollars a DAY Paul) but I was still all 'oh my god! we are sooooo BROKE!!!' for most of the day.
Then, ya know, something hit me. We aren't broke, in the least. We are - quite comfortable actually, compared to the rest of the world (and not just the rich slice of it we see on TV). We can more or less eat what we want, live where we want, wear clothes that are new, and stay warm. It's not CHEAP - but we certainly aren't broke. We have enough 'wiggleroom' that while tragedy could strike - it's not very likely. And we have enough room for - little pleasures.

So, on my way home last night, I brought two bottles of this:

(it's a REALLLLLY good, REALLLLY cheap (8.99) California Champange) just to celebrate the fact that we live the kind of life in which we CAN, if we want to, buy Champange.

It's not the we are ungrateful for the things that we have - it's just that sometimes, it's the little things that we are sometimes LEAST grateful for that really matter the most.

Peaceful....

I'm actually - peaceful.

Right here, at this second, I'm not exactly comfortable. My booty hurts from sitting on the chair unevenly, and I think my foot is falling asleep, and my nose realllly itches.

But - I'm warm. I'm at home. I'm smelling the Black Nag inscense and spicy onion and garlic from C's dinner. I'm seeing G strolling back and forth from his bowl to his bed - and I hear his bell jingling. I still miss Nikki - but I can actually finally imagine bringing another kitty home. I'm listening to IronChef:America and C's spoon clinking against the bowl his dinner is in. I'm wearing what may very well be the most comfortable - and cute - outfit on the face of the earth, even though the undies DO keep trying to give me a wedgie. It's a little after seven, and I haven't eaten dinner yet - but I'm sipping on some delectably unholy alcoholic concoction of C's.

I'm at HOME. This is where my heart is, where my love is, where my energy belongs. It's not a perfect home - I still haven't really settled into a marriage, and he hasn't really grown up yet. It's amazingly dusty - and we aren't even going to talk about the situation with my closet. But it's HOME.

And I'm quietly, delightfully, wonderfully happy here.

Maybe I'm slightly agrophobic. The concept of being housebound is - completely and impossibly foreign to me. There are some people who actually can't STAND being at home? Just because they have been in the house all weekend?  Oh. Wow.  I - I honestly think that I could go for MONTHS without stepping foot out of my house unless I HAD to. And - I'm talking about a world where EVERYONE is online  (from the bookstore to the grocery store) and they all deliver. *swoons* Oh. My. God. Seriously ya'll, I could be a hermit. And let me be in my perfect house?  The one with the huge garden and the Victorian style interior? With a study and a office and a library and a music room and a creepy attic and a huge kitchen and fireplaces in every room? And a porch? And a hot tub? And a pool and an exercise room and definitely a video/game/computer room? I would invite everyone in the world to come and vist me - oh! and at least 3 guest bedrooms! - and we would have wonderful parties and massages and sit in the garden and smell the breeze and watch the babies and pick the weeds and laugh and knit and stitch and throw love parties all over the neighborhood.

Gah. I'm SUCH a hippie.

Maybe I should just move out to the Farm one of these days.

But right now, I'm so right - balanced, peaceful, loved, calm - I can't imagine ever wanting to be anywhere else.

Sore booty and all.

getting wet a little early

So....when I got back to work from lunch - it was SOOO pretty. Sunny skies, fluffly clouds - just a lovely summer day. Knowing how hot my car gets, I figured I'd leave the windows cracked, and leave the sun roof just a LITTLE open.

About five minutes ago, this HUGE rumble of thunder practically shakes the building - oh shit! my windows are open.

Picture this scene - a pair of high heeled wooden wedges, clearly kicked off, laying on their sides, next to the back door. A plump woman, wearing a knee length balck dress - running across the parking lot bare foot in the POURING rain, one hand over her boobs so they won't knock her senseless, the other hand gripping a pair of car keys for dear life - and a huge ass grin on her face.

See - this kinda rain is the PERFECT rain. The water's warm - it's been hot all day, so the ground is still warm - the sun is shining out from behind the heavy clouds JUST a little bit, and everything is all greenishgrayish glowy. It's absolutely perfect stomping in puddles, chasing worms, opening your mouth and tilting your face to the sky, laughing till you nearly choke on the rain weather.

And dammit, I've still got 1 hour, four minutes left before I can go home. By that time, the sun will be back out, the puddles will have dried up, and the only signs left of the sudden blessing of a summer storm will be the accidents that people got into.

Maybe, just MAYBE, if  I'm lucky - I'll get to see a rainbow. Humph. I really wanna see the pot of gold at the end.....

One Year later......(Memphis Mafia help!)

(well....almost)

So - Our wedding anniversary is going to be Monday. Wow. It sure as HELL doesn't feel like it's been long enough to be a year, but at the same time, it feels like it's been much longer than a year.
So - what do I think of marriage so far? It's - a blessing. It's a wonderful experience for two people who love each other and are compatible and who are willing (and comfortable) with each other (and themselves!) to go through - this promising that my life and your life are now Our Life - and while there are certainly places where the two of us may not be walking along the SAME path - our paths are close enough that we can still always hold hands.
I look at C some days and am still shocked & amazed that this man is my husband. Husband. HUSBAND. I suppose we'll no longer be newly wed once we get over that fact - but I don't want that to happen, because everytime I remember again that he's my husband - it reminds me (with a happy little thrill) that I'm going to be sharing my life with him. Of course, I also look at him other days and wonder (still) what I've gotten myself into, and whether we will become one of those couples who seem to embody all of the negative stereotypes about marriage - and then we sit down, and talk, and suddenly it's all clear again - as long as we both stay close (emotionally, mentally, physically) and work towards solving anything that might come between that closeness - we will make it through (and by through I mean till one of us dies).

I honestly think that I'm happier at the end of this year than I was at the start of it - our marriage is no longer a scary change of status, but instead a mostly natural way of being. And now - at the start of this second year of our marriage - we've stepped into a whole new life - TOGETHER. We've moved, I've got a new job, we've grown into each other (though I still sleep like there's only one person in the bed) and - it's just - nice.

---

So - with all that said - I need HELP!!!! Memphis Mafia - I'm looking for a nice, romantic restaurant (price no object) with lots of mushy, gooshy, sexy ambience that we can go to for our Anniversary dinner. Mind you, the man is a Chef, so it's always - interesting going to a new pricy place with him. I've looked online, and see so-so reviews for La Tourelle, Paulette's and Erik Jensen (or whatever that guys palce is named). However, all of the reviews are over a year old - and I KNOW that a lot can change in a year. I don't wanna go to Melting Pot - any other ideas???

aftermath

So. We talked last night. And - it's at an impasse. He can't see himself living for the rest of his life in a low-sexed marriage. I can't see myself faking desire for the rest of my life - and I suppose the ball is in my court - as I'm the one who would have to change. And - it's kinda sad, because in the moment, when it's all emotional and I know that we have just about reached the end of our rope, I'm willing to say or promise anything to keep him there (I guess I do love him deep in the pits of my heart) but in the cold light of morning (or late afternoon as the case may be) -well - I wonder just how much I have to change in order to satisfy him, and whether I should change in order to do it.

I mean - I know me - or at least I'm learning me slowly but surely. I like sex - yes - but I don't like it like I like cheese - something that I want to have on a regular basis and don't think I could ever get enough of. I like it more like I like going to see a big-screen movie - it's fun to do, but if I only do it once a year, I won't really feel like I'm missing anything. Through most of my life, the sex I've had has been - hmmm - inspired by something outside of me. After I left high school, I'd guess that about 10% of the sex I had was sober, and even then it was - an exploration, I suppose you could say. It wasn't something that I felt like I NEEDED - and maybe it jsut was because I knew I could get it anytime I want.  If anything, most of the time it was something I felt like I owed to this other person - fair trade for services (or kindness) given. When I was dating Tasha, sex was how you made friends - instead of swapping trading cards on the playground, I swapped dicksucking across the couch - and really - I didn't mind - it was what was expected. And even then - once I had the freedom in a relationship - and the comfort - it simply wasn't high on my list of things to do with her - or with anyone else.

Then - after not having sex (at least not with a man) for close to nine months, well - I fell into bed, got pregnant, and for a while, swore off of men - more for the fact that the thought of me having a child with any of the knuckleheads I associated with scared the living crap out of me. And if one more gotdamn person tries to tell me that the abortion is the reason I feel the way I do about sex - ESPECIALLY another gotdamn MAN (the women all seem to have more sense) I'm going to slap the taste out of his mouth. But - in looking back over my own sexual history - I've learned/noticed something - even when I was in the height of my slutyears, I never really - desired sex. I desired friendship, and closeness, and snugglies, and intimacy - and quickly found that the fastest way to get all that was to take my clothes off and spread em. 

But that was years ago - and I've gotten older - and more comfortable with myself, and my own worth - and I know that I am worth so much more than just sex - and that I deserve that intimacy and friendship and closeness - without having to fuck someone for it. And so - I've become much more reluctant to have sex (or 'make love') just to satisy someone else.  I'm much less willing to submit my desires, my wishes - especially in such an intimate aspect of  myself - just to keep someone else happy.  I've established boundaries of who I think I am, and who I am happy and comfortable in being - and - I don't know if I'm willing - no, that not true - for him and for our marriage I know I'm willing - but I don't think I'll be happy in the least changing who I am to something that - I'm not - and I'm not really comfortable with.

Maybe it is a power thing. Maybe it is a control thing. But - whatever it is, it's me.

Even still - I'm carrying around the number to my companies mental health hotline. They deal with sexual dysfunction - and maybe, one night, I'll give in and call and ask them to make me want to have sex with my husband. And maybe they will talk me or drug me into it - and maybe I'll be happy and satisifed and still feel like the woman that I am - and maybe I won't become bitter or resentful and feel like the most important part of me is the part between my legs, and maybe I'll get some sort of sense of power from it.  I haven't made a choice yet one way or another - and a large part of it is because I'm forced to wonder - can there be love and devotion and faithfulness and companionship and partnership and - love - between two adults who are attracted to each other - without sex (or with only occasional sex), and without feeling as if they are denying any part of themselves? Or am I an abberation who needs treatment to get over whatever mental block I have that is such a part of me that - I actually consider it part of myself? I like sensuality - intercourse is eh. I love kissing - sucking dick, is eh. I love holding and touching and rubbing and heaven help me if it leads towards sex - it's okay - but it's better somehow if it doesn't. Maybe I'm just still in the humping stage of life. Or maybe I'm regressing. Or maybe I just need to call and they'll tell me that I actually AM okay.

And maybe that's what I'm afraid of most of all.

babysteps

I know things haven’t felt very good lately, and I know things with us aren’t going smoothly – but I don’t know how to fix them and not break either of us.

I can’t – or maybe I just won’t – be sexual dynamo of a woman that you want – that you need. And – I’ve tried. I know you might doubt that, or you might think I haven’t tried hard enough – but I have tried. And.....I can’t fake it anymore. It’s breaking my heart to say this – but I can’t be that other woman for the rest of my life, because every time I have to fake it – every time I have to ‘suck it up’ and just do it – I stop loving you a little more. I can’t understand how something so simple is worth so much to you – and I try to love you in every way that I know how to make up for the lack of being able to love you in the way you want most – and I just fail because it just doesn’t feel like love to me. And I get bitter that you don’t seem to care about how I feel – that you’d rather me fake it – and I react in such childish ways that I feel like I should apologize, but I’m so tired of trying to fit into your image of what I should be – that I just – can’t.

I hate the fact that we barely talk, and when we do, it’s like walking on eggshells. I hate the fact that you don’t even seem to want to say hello, or goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice day, or kiss me, or smile at me – all because I can’t satisfy you sexually.

It makes me feel like shit – like everything else that is good (or that was good) in our relationship is once again secondary to the fact that I can’t make love to you as often or as vigorously as you need it. That everything that is good about me is secondary to the fact that I can’t open my legs often enough or with enough joy and enthusiasm.

And yes – when we first got together, I was more of a dynamo – I can’t dismiss that – though I do regret it, because I think that I gave you false hopes. And it’s making me miserable – and I suspect you’re pretty miserable too. And I apologize with all my heart for that – for the fact that just maybe, you walked into this hoping that woman would come back for all the time and not for just brief high moments in life – or once every sexless three months.

I’ve tried to pin it on the restaurant, and you just being stressed, and busy and just not having enough time to handle the chaos of the restaurant and the stress of our lives together too – but – I can’t take it.

I miss you – we haven’t seemed ‘right’ since I got back from Geneva – and I had hoped that things would be – at least okay for a while. And then – you wouldn’t even sleep next to me for the whole first week I was home – and I still can’t figure out why. Did I do something to you? Did I say something that made you think that I wouldn’t welcome you? Even if it wasn’t for sex, but just to be able to lay next to my husband? Or were you just too tired to climb the steps and get into bed? A couple of coworkers and I were talking about what the first thing we were going to do when we got home – and I told them that I was going to lay in my bed, under my covers, with my husband, and celebrate being home – and I didn’t even mean it sexually – I just meant that being able to hold you and touch you and laugh with you and smile at you and do all of those things – it would just feel right. I would feel at home.

And yet – every time you are home it’s – strained. I feel like you are angry at me, or disappointed in me, and until Saturday, I didn’t think I had given you a reason to act like that towards me – and after a week of silent treatment, I really wasn’t in the mood at all – not in the mood to do it, and certainly not in the mood to fake it so that you could be happy.

And I don’t know what to do. Even if I did take drugs – that would get my body involved, but my heart and mind would still be griping and bitter about the fact that I have to do something again, that in all honesty, I don’t want to do. Maybe I could get counseling to convince me that this is something that I should be doing – that would be right, and would keep you happy – but – it wouldn’t be true.

And I think that is the thing that makes me the saddest is that I feel like one way or another, I HAVE to lie about my true feelings – or at the very least change them and mask them - in order to keep you happy. And that if I let a glimpse of what I’m really feeling out – it’s not going to please you. And I’ve lied to you in this way for so long that it’s TOTALLY my fault at this point – and I can totally understand you being pissed off at me for letting it go on this far – but I figure better late than never. And I hope that you understand that none of it was malicious, and none of it was hurtful – it was all done for your love – I wanted it – I needed it – and I was willing (for awhile) to ignore what my own heart was telling me in order to keep you.

I’ve been thinking about this since I’ve gotten back, and when you asked me if I was happy with you – all of this was on my mind, but – it wasn’t YOU that I’m unhappy with or about – it’s me. I’m feeling like a major failure here – and I’m starting to wonder if my younger self’s declaration that she would never get married was a wise one.

I love you Corey – that I do. But – it hurts right now, and I’ve never been into pain and we’ve gotta talk if we want to fix it – and as much as I hate conflict and confrontation – I can’t take it anymore – and I sure you are sick of it too.

I wrote this all down because it flows from my ‘pen’ better than me trying to speak it ever could – and I can reread it to be sure that what I’m saying is really what I’m trying to say – and I hope that when you read this you can hear my heart speaking to you more honestly than ever before – and respond lovingly.

'Us' Survey

1. How long have you been married? 1.5 months.

2. Where did you meet your husband? At a busstop downtown.

3. How old were you &  he when you met? I was 24, he was 26.

4. How long did you know him before you started dating him? about a month.

5. Where was your first date? We went to California Cafe for dinner (where I was first exposed to his chefly crtiqing skills), then walked along the canal for a couple of hours.

6. What was your first impression of him? Intelligent, funny, cute (though he was, and still is, high yalla!).

7. Did you kiss on your first date? Yes.

8. How long did you date before you got engaged? A little over a year.

9. Was his proposal unique? :) It was - us. He came home from work and called me in to 'talk', and making a big production out of it, proposed.

10. Did you help choose your own engagement ring? Help? *grins* Yeahhhh.... you can say I 'helped'.

11. Do you still have your original ring or have you "upgraded"? I still have the original stone, but changed the setting so that I could wear it with my wedding ring.

12. How long was your engagement? 3 years.

13. What color scheme was your wedding? Gold and Copper.

14. What is your fondest memory or favorite thing about your wedding? Fondest? :) When the minister TOTALLY screwed up saying work...repeatedly..

15. What one thing about your wedding still makes you cringe when you think about it? The fact that the flowers were LATE, and when they got there, they were wilted. *sigh*

16. What song did you dance to for the bridal dance? Since we didn't have an 'official' dance, I've no clue.

17. When you fed each other cake at the reception, did you do the smashing-cake-in-each-other's-face-thing? Nope! Cake went DIRECTLY into the mouth.

18. Did you have a honeymoon? No.....

19. Describe the first place you lived in together. Officially? My second apartment in Indy - before we got married. Afterwards - my *thinks* 3rd apartment in Indy - where we had been living in before the wedding too.

20. Before you married, did you discuss when you would start a family? Yes.

21. How many children do you want/have? He wants 2, I want 5...we'll have to figure out a compromise.

22. Use three words to describe your inlaws. Weird as hell.

23. Use three words to describe your husband: Wonderfully aggravatingly MINE.

24. In what ways are you not alike? He's more go with the flow, I have to plan. I'm anal about money, he's - not.

25. What things do you have in common? mostly everything.

26. What is the hardest lesson that being married has taught you? Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do because it's best for the both of you.

27. If you had a chance to do it all again, what would you do differently? Nothing actually....maybe stay at a different hotel?

Much Love.....

Love Letter to a Snoring Man & Unborn Child

So - most of the day has gone by. C. is back - sleep on the couch again. I'm still here though - buzzed on rum, playing with my tongue ring, wondering if we are still on the right path. I can't doubt it though, simply because I'm so happy. I love him...without even the least hint of a shadow of a doubt. He IS my love.

Sometimes I wonder how I defined love without him. The looks he has on his face - the fact that I can truly understand him - even when I don't agree. I think sometimes that is a huge part of what is pushing me towards reproduction. I want to see what he & me are together, truly - together without a hope of never being together.

 

That's rather scary actually...I suppose that if I think of OUR children being that - an irrevocable expression of the best of the two of us - I am myself (hopefully) the best of my mother and father. What would I have been if my father had shaped me (actively) as much as my mother had? I'm granting him the option of having shaped me passively - shaped me by the very fact of not being there...but what sort of woman would I be if my father WAS there - shaping me by the effect of his personality??

 

Hm. Well - any way - I love him. Sleepy, snoring, sex-fiend and all - I love him. *gigglees* Truly - like a journal of old -  I do love him. And with a mature, level-headed look at it all - I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

Heaven! on earth. That's what marriage is. And because it's on earth it's not all perfection. Sometimes in blissful, sometimes it's painful - but it's always heaven. The - simple certainty of him BEING there - sometimes that's all that I need. :)

 

I should tell him these things - rather than telling ya'll. I should be able to express these things without the influence of alcohol - but at no other time am I so honest - with others or with myself.

 

*smile* I LOVE him. Like I would love a child of my flesh. Like I did love a child of my flesh. *sigh* I would be less than I am  - every day, all day - without him. The best sort of support is the one that you don't even realize you have.

 

I love you baby - today and everyday. *kisses* As cheesey as it is - you DO complete me.

---

 

 

In a slightly less disgustingly gooey vein of thinking (and WHY is my font so small??) I doubt that we will  go to see LOR:ROTK tomorrow. Somehow, the likelihood of ME awaking before noon (I won't even try to  blame it on C.) is low to nil. And as C. knows how much of a bitch I am when I am awakened early - yeah, just Joe's. Heh.  We came to an agreement - Joe's crab shack it shall be. Yum! Crabs & butter - Atkins heaven.

 

And yes - I would give up LOR:ROTK in order for him to see the RR on time. Okay - beyond anything ELSE I've said - that shit is scary. I'm not sure which is more scary - the fact that I'm  willing to give up what I would like for him, or the fact that I myself actually wanna see RR in some ways. :) yeah - I guess I'm not as bougie as Papi makes me out to be.

 

*googoo eyes* He's my baby. Mercy - that clears up in so many ways why babies break up relationships... the man goes from being the 'baby' to being the 'daddy' - what a huge leap in perception!

 

Yes - I do want to be a mother. *sigh* I dream it, I crave it - the challenges, the responsibilties - I just don't want to have to work for a living while I do it.  *laughs* C. asked me earlier today if I would follow him where-ever his career led him.  I told him I would - as long as I could either have a job that paid as well as my current one does, or he paid my bills. *sigh* That's all I ask - either pay me for being a dedicated mother, or let me free myself from the requirements of debt before I become a mother. Hm. Either or....I'd excell at both. I'd honestly be weepily, hopelessly, utterly traumatized if I had to leave my little one - I'd DO it - but oh! how unhappy I would be. I'd have to cosleep - just to heal MYSELF of the wounds from being away from my little one throughout the day.

 

Yeah - even love is limited by money. Cursed gold.

 

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, and I'll be one of those mother who can drop the kid, and move on with my life without a hiccup at all.

 

Nah....I'm cold - but heaven knows little people melt every once of ice in me. *sigh*

Kissin you.....

There are several people that I would like to kiss if the world was - different. If I could kiss people - a proper kiss mind you, tongue and all - without worry about future sexual implications or genderfucking with peoples minds - ah... I have a long list of people I would like to kiss. I would kiss them simply to see them better - see what they taste like, see how they move, see how they touch, see what they feel like in the closest and most intimate of ways.

I'd like to kiss Phil - run my fingers through his hair and see if he feels as lean as he looks. I'd like to see if he kisses the same way he acts - hard with a gooey middle - or if when he kisses the sweet boy I think is underneath all that bullshit comes out.

I'd like to kiss Mona - see if she tastes very different from other girls - see if she kisses with a refined delicacy or if she kisses with abandon.

I'd like to kiss Luis - see if he's as tender as he looks - or as passionate as he claims to be. I think he would be the most dangerous kiss of them all - a kiss that would curl my toes - despite him simply not looking like the toes curling type.

I'd like to kiss leon too - see if kissing a boy who normally only kisses boys is very different from boys who kiss girls. Do boys kiss differently, or is it the same dainty back and forth dance of tongues and lips and teeth that always ends with someone yielding and someone taking power?

I'd definitely like to kiss mjames - I think he's the kiss that would make me cry - simply because of the long twining string of half-love and intense friendship that has bound us together for the past 10 years. I'd like to see if he tastes the same way he smells - sweet and spicy, like a hot sauce coated piece of caramel popcorn.

I'd like to kiss Claudette - even with her thin lips she looks like she knows how to use them to the very best advantage - touching and kissing and sucking to no end. But then - she's so active that she might be one of those aggressive angry kissers.

Who would you like to kiss? And why?

chitchattering

Yeah... so I think we might be okay. Really. We had a really good, really long talk today - and I really think we might be okay. I was going to write 'I can't describe how happy that makes me - but dammit I'm a writer the least I should be able to do is to describe my OWN emotions - yes?? So - how happy does that make me? *sigh* He's the love of my life - so much so that I couldn't bear the thought of having him stuck with a chick that couldn't/can't be what he needs. And yeah, I know nobody's perfect, but the least I can do is TRY, yes? So - anyhow - I'll try, and he'll try, and even if our trying doesn't quite reach perfection, at least we are trying to get there. So - I'm happy because I don't have to break my heart in order to not break his. Yeah. I'm happy like a cookie monster who just inherted a cookie company - the Keebler elves cookie company mind you. forever supplied by inventory from god. Yeah. That's me.

Secret Sexuality

How can I explain it? I think like a slut and act like a prude, but I don't want to act like a prude. I'm not comfortable with my own sexuality - I don't trust it, no matter who I am expressing it with. It's starting to get really frustrating because I (unless I'm under the influence of a mind-altering substance of some sort) can't fully EXPRESS who I am. I shy away from outwardly expressing my sexuality like a burnt child shies away from the stove, and both consiously and subconciously I know WHY and even precisely WHEN this change happened, and I can't figure out how to overcome the block I've set up for myself. Also, the fact that I dream about sex almost all the time tells me that I want it - it's something I desire, but DAMN I've repressed myself so throughly I don't now how to bring it back.
I could simply try to keep forcing it until it's no longer forced but natural - but sexuality is the last thing that should be forced - it takes all of the fun out of it. I've tried just waiting on it, hoping that the block will eliminate itself. I've wondered if getting pregnant would help erase the block, but I'm not willing (nor crazy/selfish/stupid) enough to gamble a child on my sex life.
I used to be a wild child - but it didn't FEEL wild to me. I was simply being myself to the fullest - and it felt good and natural and beautiful and safe. And then, I hit a vey rough spot, and it wasn't quite so good and natural and beautiful and safe and I consciously unplugged my sexuality as a protective mechanism and now I can't get it plugged back in again, and I'm REALLY starting to miss it. And what makes it worse are these damn dreams... to wake up feeling my sexuality vibrating through every bone and sinew and realize that the only time I can get that way now is when I'm SLEEP truly, truly, TRULY sucks. Esp. since I remember a time when I felt like that ALL the time. The wind and the sun and the vibration of the train were all my lovers and damn I always had a certain - bounce in my step.
I wonder if hyponotism could work? *sigh*

Loser

I never thought I would have the patience to reall lose weight. I'm definitely a child of my times - I want it right and I want it NOW. But - this time, I've managed to stick with it - which is actually relly exceptional for me.
My weight loss has slowed down A LOT - I'm losing about a pound or so a week - some weeks I actually lose two. Going from dropping 4 pounds in a week to 2 is a bit of a shock, but - it's the little things that keep me going.
Last night, I fit back into my graduation dress - which is a 16W. In 8 months, I've gone from a 22/24 to a 16. That's FOUR dress sizes. Wow. The odd thing is that - I honestly can't see it. My clothes are getting bigger, I really need to buy all new bras, my undies are getting bigger - but I can't/don't really SEE myself as any smaller. Even my coworkes comment on the weight I've lost - and it actually kinda scares me that I don't really look any smaller to myself in the mirror. I wonder at what point will I be able to look in the mirror and think 'Wow. I've REALLY lost a lot of weight'. Actually - I think that maybe taking a picture would be better.
That's what catapulted me onto the path of I 'HAVE' to lose weight - a picture. Last March, me and Corey went on a trip to St. Louis, and while we were there, we had someone take pictures of us in front of the Arch. I looked at those pictures when I finally got them developed (Mid April) and I was HORRIFIED. I was HUGE - a walking embodiement of being big as a house. It took me a few more months, but finally I just buckled down to it.

Eh. Rambly, rambly entry.

It's friday! I get to see my light tonight! :) :) Too many hours left..

Earth

he is my earth. my grounding. his touch alone makes me feel whole. i miss him. i miss waking up in his arms. i miss going to sleep listening to him play soulcaliber. i miss his laugh. i miss his smile. i miss him every moment of every night that i'm home alone thinking of him. i miss living with him - all the bad and the good. i miss watching him sleep as i leave for work. i miss him waking me up when he gets home. i miss his touch. i miss our fights over who gets in the shower first. i miss the smell of him on my pillow. i miss waiting for him to come home. i miss watching him cook for me. i miss cooking for him. i miss every little thing - even the things i hate. i miss him so much just seeing people hold hands sends a shock of longing through me. i miss him so much. and its only been 3 days since i've seen him.
i am adrift in space - floating 111 miles from my earth. i've been drifting for two months now and i don't know how much longer i can drift before i start spiraling down. 

 

---

 

and I feel utterly horrid and selfish and mean for missing him so much when there could be 100,000 other women who miss their men too - but have no guarentee they will return home to them alive. How dare I miss the man I'm going to see in 3 days when there are others who deserve to miss their loved ones even more? how can i tear up over missing the one i love - my little missing is nothing compared to so many others. but it's mine, and it hurts me and it touches me and so - i'm beling selfish.

Love

In the name of love - I tell you this. Even though it might seem to be awful hard to not have SOMEONE on V-Day...it's alot harder to be abused by the someone you DO have. It's alot harder to deal with the after-effects of rape. It's alot harder to free yourself from violence in a world where "She deserved it" still spills out of people's mouths after they hear about a punch or a rape.

There is a non-profit organization called V-Day whose mission goal is to stop violence against girls and women across the globe.
Through V-Day campaigns, local volunteers and college students produce annual benefit performances of "The Vagina Monologues" to raise awareness and funds for anti-violence groups within their own communities. V-Day itself stages large-scale benefits and promotes innovative gatherings and programs (The Afghan Women's Summit, The Stop Rape Contest, Indian Country Project, and more) to change social attitudes towards violence against women. In 2002, more than 800 V-Day benefit events were presented by local volunteer activists around the world, educating millions of people about the reality of violence against women and girls.
This year's public service campaign consists of women (and men) from many walks of life talking about what they will do once violence against girls and women has ended - rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sexual slavery.

For all the women you have ever loved - and for all the women who have never been loved - Please do something! Give some time, go see the Vagina Monolouges (they are GREAT!!!), buy some cute V-day jewelry, join the email list, give some money.

Everyone deserves a life free of fear.

What will you do when women across the world don't have to walk in fear anymore?

Happy

What is it about having a new diary that makes it almost irresitible for the frist week or month? I feel like I have all these words sitting in my mouth that I need to just spew out somewhere - and this is it. Once my mouth (and mind) empty out and the words approach a level of normality I will write and write and write. Perhaps I should force myself to only write once a day? That would slow the flow of my repressed expressions - but it might also give the words time to redissolve into me. So. Here comes more spew.

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I'm happy. I am in getting married in less than SEVEN months - and I'm throughly, utterly and totally happy about that fact. There are times when I think that and I feel like tossing salt or SOMETHING over my shoulder. It doesn't really seem RIGHT somehow - for me to be so lucky and so content with him. I've gone through several relationships - none of which were truly BAD - just not well thought out. I've always believed that my own joy comes first and that if there is more pain than joy - I'm gone. And several times - I've left.

Part of what makes me happy is that with him, for the first time, I don't see any harbringers of issues that would make me want to leave. Yes, he's a sex freak of the highest order - but I was the same once and I totally believe that once I work though the events that caused me to STOP being a freak - he won't be able to handle me. Yes, he's an UTTER dingbat about money - but I've got enough financial acumen for both of us - and he's more than willing to work with me. Perhaps that's it more than anything else - we are willing and EAGER to work with each other in all ways - most of my failings he is able to compensate for and most of his failings I can compensate for. We work.

We've even lived together - and while there was a painful period of adjustment for The SuperIndependant Woman to have someone else in my HOUSE - it worked. We don't live together anymore and I miss him greatly, dearly, and constantly. I woner sometimes if the glow that I see/feel over our relationship is BECAUSE we don't live together - but in my heart I know it isn't. It's real and it's stable and it's true and it's love.

However - I'm upset about the almost certain fact that even after we get married we STILL won't be living together. We both have wonderful jobs where we are now - and we know (though we've only marginally discussed it) that we most likely won't live together during the first 6-9 months we are married. I'm not thrilled about it, he's not thrilled about it, and really - it sucks. But - eventually we will live together. Us and our cats and our future children and us. Always me & him.

And that makes me happy.

Top Ten List (in no order)

1: He makes me laugh.
2: He is my grounding.
3: He supports my flights of fancy.
4: He's honest.
5: He can admit when he's wrong.
6: He loves me - truly, madly, deeply.
7: He's hot.
8: He's rooted deeply in himself - centered, focused, determined.
9: He makes me feel like Dido - everytime I talk to him, suddenly the cares of the day fall away.
10: I love him.


And for these (and about 500 trillion more) reasons - I'm marrying him. And while it doesn't matter much where, or by who, or how - it's going to be as close to perfect as we are....

 

Jasmyn

Vapors

Is it really sad that I will sit and just stare at the countdown clock for minutes at a time?






Yes...I thought so too.


*silly grin*



jasmyn

Where do we go from here?

*deep breath*

It is starting to take a lot of…energy to deal with Cheffy. It’s jard for me to really put a finger on exactly what it is. Like I said yesterday, he can be an asshole at times…but I can be a bitch at times, so that isn’t really something I can call him on. One thing (I get the oddest flashes of clarity in the shower) that occurred to be today was that he tends not to listen to me. When we are having our little ‘discussions’ I will say something, and mean precisely want I say, but he filters it through some half-assed this-is-what-Jazzy-‘MEANS’ translator of his that is just broke.
I know that I have a tendency to keep shit to myself, and I work on that on a daily basis. But once I get to the point that I do speak out… I say what I’m thinking and how I feel… as exactly as I can. And to have him ‘interpret’ what I’m saying, and then act on that rather than what I said…is frustrating as hell. And the sad part is no matter how many times I go back over the same shit, he STILL doesn’t hear what I am saying, he hears what he wants to hear, or what he ‘thinks’ I’m saying. And I’m getting to the point where I’m really just tired of talking. Why bother when I’m not being listened to?

Another thing, is that he tends to treat me as if…I’m inadequate somehow. Like I need constant guidance in how to deal with a relationship, as if he knows just so much freaking more than I do about interacting with people. While I have to admit, I haven’t had exactly the BEST track record when it comes to relationships (based on some other things) I’m not too thrilled about being treated like the kid who rides the short bus. Then again, that might just be a side effect of his *thinks* arrogant façade. He tends to be one of those folx who firmly believes that they shit don’t stink…until I firmly pop his bubble…and he changes for a hot second…and then it’s back to the ‘Cheffy – King of the World’ attitude.

The latest thing that has been heating up my…blood pressure I guess is that he tends to come in late (and that is expected because he works late) but then he wants to sit and have conversations. While I do love talking to him, and while I know that I don’t see him that much…wouldn’t most intelligent and considerate people consider that waking someone up who has to be to work in 5 hours and who has been sleep for about 3 to have a deep conversation really isn’t the wisest course to take?

*sighs* Anyhow…I don’t know what’s going ‘on’ here with us. I feel us slowly creeping down the slippery slope towards breaking up, and I don’t want that to happen. Then I start thinking about why I don’t want it to happen, and I really can’t come up with any GOOD reasons. I would miss him yes…but I think I would be able to keep him as a friend. With him it’s always been a different kind of thing… more low level, never burning quite as hard or as bright as some of my other love affairs have. And I feel like we are hitting a foggy area right now, and I don’t know how to clear it up.

*sighs* Anyhow I needed to get that out. I think that we will actually be around each other during ‘normal’ hours over the weekend…and I think we will have a talk then. *sighs* I just feel so…un-hopeful about our little ‘talks’ because…well…maybe we need to talk about his interpreter and see if that helps.

Stay Jazzed.

Those XY People

Ummm… I enjoy re-reading my diary. I went back about a year to re-read what was going through my head when I came up here the first time, and didn’t really find much except for my joy about my lovely new apartment…the same one that I am madly trying to escape from now. :) ah well…I was also talking about the relationship between me & chris…during that amazingly sweet honeymoon period of time. ah. well.
*shrugs* Then I read my entry for Father’s Day last year… *sighs* and I can’t even imagine pretending to try to write one this year. *shrugs* I’m…dismissive of my step-father, and I have given up all hope as far as my biological father is concerned… but re-reading that actually gave me some insights into who I am, and some of the issues and assumptions that I tend to have about my relationships.


What was the most important thing I learned from my father(s)? I learned that I have to be ready & able & willing to stand on my own two feet at all times, because trusting someone else to be able to stand on theirs can be a losing proposition. I learned that actions speak so much louder than words, and that words don’t mean shit. I learned that if I want to be somebody, and do something, I have to do it on my own, and be ready to pull others along. I learned that promises & disappointments go together, and that one lie found out may mean five more still in hiding. I learned a lot from my father(s). Most of it I wished I hadn’t learned. I wished I had learned how to be a daddy’s girl, how to know that there was always a man in my life who was strong & stable as a rock. I wished that I had learned what a daddy was, rather than what a father is.


I translate this same…ideals I guess to most (if not all) of the men in my life. Actually, I view most men that I am in a relationship with like this… *Shrugs* It’s what I have learned, and I have yet to run into a man who has proven me just totally wrong. *shrugs* I’m not even going to go through how every relationship that I have been in has failed me in some way. And I’m not saying that that failure was all that person’s fault. In fact, in a few cases, I know quite well that it was OUR fault…but at the same time… if I did not have those…learned responses to some stimuli, *laughs* I would be better able to get PAST my past and deal with men strictly on their own terms.

How do you break out of a learned and repeatedly re-enforced cycle of behavior and expectations? I was trying to explain to Cheffy one day how I feel that I had started off wrong in our relationship…how I had started off as a doormat and how I was trying to roll the mat back up. His response was that I was becoming cold and unfeeling and focusing solely on me and my needs. And it was true…because I can’t see the point of equilibrium, where you are taking care of yourself totally, and still have energy left for someone else. And in order for that kind of equilibrium to be established (esp. between two adults) I have the expectation that if I am going to be focusing on me and my needs AND you and your needs… then YOU need to be focusing on your needs and my needs as well…rather than just thinking about you and what you want and what you can do. *Shrugs* I’m slowly trying to work my way to a point where I can put my finger on it and say ‘Yes! This is what went wrong, this is what needs to change to make things right’. *rolls eyes* And then I really don’t feel like I should have to be dealing with these kind of issues when I am NOT married… but then somehow he makes me feels guilty about being all for me. *shrugs* I HAVE to focus on and me sure that Jazzy is making sure her shit is straight, cuz Cheffy is not making sure my shit is straight. And if making sure that my shit is straight means not being as…compliant and available to him as I have been… *shrugs* that’s life. Is that a cold and cruel way to look at it, or am I just finally being realistic?

Well. That was a nice little purging. I wish that I could look at our relationship ‘on paper’. Just look at what it REALLY is with my own mind… and blank of any past residue or expectations…and compare that to what I want. Write down what happens that makes me mad or that makes me happy… and try to figure out what the problem is.

Stay Jazzed.