babysteps

I know things haven’t felt very good lately, and I know things with us aren’t going smoothly – but I don’t know how to fix them and not break either of us.

I can’t – or maybe I just won’t – be sexual dynamo of a woman that you want – that you need. And – I’ve tried. I know you might doubt that, or you might think I haven’t tried hard enough – but I have tried. And.....I can’t fake it anymore. It’s breaking my heart to say this – but I can’t be that other woman for the rest of my life, because every time I have to fake it – every time I have to ‘suck it up’ and just do it – I stop loving you a little more. I can’t understand how something so simple is worth so much to you – and I try to love you in every way that I know how to make up for the lack of being able to love you in the way you want most – and I just fail because it just doesn’t feel like love to me. And I get bitter that you don’t seem to care about how I feel – that you’d rather me fake it – and I react in such childish ways that I feel like I should apologize, but I’m so tired of trying to fit into your image of what I should be – that I just – can’t.

I hate the fact that we barely talk, and when we do, it’s like walking on eggshells. I hate the fact that you don’t even seem to want to say hello, or goodbye, or good luck, or have a nice day, or kiss me, or smile at me – all because I can’t satisfy you sexually.

It makes me feel like shit – like everything else that is good (or that was good) in our relationship is once again secondary to the fact that I can’t make love to you as often or as vigorously as you need it. That everything that is good about me is secondary to the fact that I can’t open my legs often enough or with enough joy and enthusiasm.

And yes – when we first got together, I was more of a dynamo – I can’t dismiss that – though I do regret it, because I think that I gave you false hopes. And it’s making me miserable – and I suspect you’re pretty miserable too. And I apologize with all my heart for that – for the fact that just maybe, you walked into this hoping that woman would come back for all the time and not for just brief high moments in life – or once every sexless three months.

I’ve tried to pin it on the restaurant, and you just being stressed, and busy and just not having enough time to handle the chaos of the restaurant and the stress of our lives together too – but – I can’t take it.

I miss you – we haven’t seemed ‘right’ since I got back from Geneva – and I had hoped that things would be – at least okay for a while. And then – you wouldn’t even sleep next to me for the whole first week I was home – and I still can’t figure out why. Did I do something to you? Did I say something that made you think that I wouldn’t welcome you? Even if it wasn’t for sex, but just to be able to lay next to my husband? Or were you just too tired to climb the steps and get into bed? A couple of coworkers and I were talking about what the first thing we were going to do when we got home – and I told them that I was going to lay in my bed, under my covers, with my husband, and celebrate being home – and I didn’t even mean it sexually – I just meant that being able to hold you and touch you and laugh with you and smile at you and do all of those things – it would just feel right. I would feel at home.

And yet – every time you are home it’s – strained. I feel like you are angry at me, or disappointed in me, and until Saturday, I didn’t think I had given you a reason to act like that towards me – and after a week of silent treatment, I really wasn’t in the mood at all – not in the mood to do it, and certainly not in the mood to fake it so that you could be happy.

And I don’t know what to do. Even if I did take drugs – that would get my body involved, but my heart and mind would still be griping and bitter about the fact that I have to do something again, that in all honesty, I don’t want to do. Maybe I could get counseling to convince me that this is something that I should be doing – that would be right, and would keep you happy – but – it wouldn’t be true.

And I think that is the thing that makes me the saddest is that I feel like one way or another, I HAVE to lie about my true feelings – or at the very least change them and mask them - in order to keep you happy. And that if I let a glimpse of what I’m really feeling out – it’s not going to please you. And I’ve lied to you in this way for so long that it’s TOTALLY my fault at this point – and I can totally understand you being pissed off at me for letting it go on this far – but I figure better late than never. And I hope that you understand that none of it was malicious, and none of it was hurtful – it was all done for your love – I wanted it – I needed it – and I was willing (for awhile) to ignore what my own heart was telling me in order to keep you.

I’ve been thinking about this since I’ve gotten back, and when you asked me if I was happy with you – all of this was on my mind, but – it wasn’t YOU that I’m unhappy with or about – it’s me. I’m feeling like a major failure here – and I’m starting to wonder if my younger self’s declaration that she would never get married was a wise one.

I love you Corey – that I do. But – it hurts right now, and I’ve never been into pain and we’ve gotta talk if we want to fix it – and as much as I hate conflict and confrontation – I can’t take it anymore – and I sure you are sick of it too.

I wrote this all down because it flows from my ‘pen’ better than me trying to speak it ever could – and I can reread it to be sure that what I’m saying is really what I’m trying to say – and I hope that when you read this you can hear my heart speaking to you more honestly than ever before – and respond lovingly.