expectations

I actually stayed mostly offline this weekend - off the computer as well. I finally took the time and put together the bed upstairs, as I was making myself even sicker sleeping on the futons on the floor - and from there I was a little whirlwind in the upstairs of the house. Finally unpacked the office, cleaned all the random un-needed crap out of the bathroom, cleaned the bathroom, scrubbed all the floors - I was a real domestic diva whiz-kid. Then, I cooked dinner, showered, and went out.
I actually had a rather good time. The first place I went to (White House), people were way more interested in posing and looking good then they were in dancing - but I stayed there until almost one chitchatting with folx. Finally gave up, and went to another spot around the corner (Lily Pad). Much more entertaining, which a more more dancy group of people - but MY! was I overdressed. Heh. I liked Lily Pad better though, and being slightly overdressed means I stand out in an interestingly quirky way - and it got me a WONDERFUL dance - damn could that boy move.
Had a very good time actually - still managed to make it home before C ( I got in around 3:45 - he got home around 4:15) - and no, he still didn't come to bed. I had been kinda ticked off at him all day anyhow, as he took the car to work and didn't even ASK me if I might have wanted the use of the car on a Saturday - *snort*.
Ya know - it kinda makes me sad, cuz I don't think he cares either. Or - maybe he does care, and he's just so damn tired of trying to force me to show that I care in his ways that he figures acting like he doesn't care is a better option. Or maybe he doesn't care, and just enjoys living rentfree. Ohh... that last one was mean - not untrue, but still mean. *sigh*
I should have talked to him yesterday - I acknowledge that fact. He had the whole day off, and - it was I suppose as good a time of any to sit him down and ask what the fuck is going on. I think I know what his answer is going to be though - he's exhausted. That's been his answer for everything for the last month and a half, I don't see it changing anytime soon. *sigh* I need to stop making assumptions - to stop faking it even in the least. I'm still debating on how much I should call him out - I know that he is going to hear a nice little piece of my mind for being stupid enough to look at porn on my WORK computer - and I'm going to totally disregard the fact that he did it less than an hour after we had sex. *shrugs* sadly enough, I rather expect that - I can handle that sort of - dissatisfaction, I suppose you could say, but you will NOT threaten my livelihood. I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.
Ah. I don't know what the hell I'm saying.
I know that I'm tired though - and I don't know how long these rants/blabjobs are going to continue, or where they will end, or how far they will extend. But I'm tired. I'm tired of lying to everyone, including myself, about how I feel and how I react and what's really going on in my head. It's finally got downright sickening - and I am too fucking old (and I'll never live long enough) to fake it. Every second of life that I live should be as real, and as pure, and as perfectly me as I can make it. And ya know - for a good minute I thought that something that I could get from others for faking it was worth it - the respect, the impression, the idea - I thought that the closer the idea of who I was in those peoples heads matched who I thought they wanted me to be - the better off I'd be - the stronger relationship we would have - the more pleased they would be with me.
But you know what? It didn't do anything but hurt. I don't know anyone now who actually KNOWS me - cuz I've been lying to everyone and to myself for so long, that to rip free the lie would lose anything I might have left. I'm bold enough to rip it off for ya'll - but not IRL - not just yet. And it's not like I'm some hideous monster. I'm not perfect - and I'm sure as hell no angel - but dammit - I'm good. I'm intelligent, lovely, sexy, fun, witty, funny, blunt, sarcastic, compassionate, listening, rocking, bitch/lover/child/woman. And somehow, I'm thining more people will dig me for the woman that I really am than would ever dig me for trying to be the woman they wanted me to be.
And maybe - maybe a lot of that is the root of my troubles with C. I'm not - simply not - going to fake it anymore. Maybe it'll make our relationship stronger as I peel away the facade I didn't even relize I had built and he gets a good look at the real me. Maybe it'll be the straw (boulder) that breaks the camels back if he decides that the woman under the facade is even less of the wife he wants me to be. Maybe he won't care, won't notice, and we'll keep traveling through this odd ass limbo until I grow the huevos to say no more.
*sigh*
I'm not sure - what's right/normal/expected here - and I think that I am so damn laid back that my normal response is - wayyy underrated for what going on. Like the aforementiond porn thing. He gets out of bed, to go downstairs and work on some recipes. I log on to my computer this morning, and have a raging spyware infection. Spyware usually comes from two things - downloaded music and porn. I check the cookies - and yeah, he was looking at recipes for about an hour, then at porn for about an hour and a half - which he wrapped up with a visit to his favorite adult site - adultfriendfinders. What's my reaction going to be? I'm going to tell him to NEVER look at porn on my work computer again unless he WANTS me to get fired, and leave it at that. I'm not going to comment on the timing, nor am I going to mention the fact that I know exactly which sites he went to. Is that underreacting? Am I setting him up? Am I setting myself up? Should I be worried? Should I care?
Should I have to ask that he chip in with the bills now that he has this nice cushy job? Or should he volunteer to start splitting stuff? Since he wrecked his car and is now taking 99% of my car's time - would it be okay for me to ask him to start paying for the insurance? Or once again - is this something that he should volunteer to do? I feel - naggish - asking him, and feel like a damn doormat for not asking him - mainly because I don't know if it's - okay - to ask. What sort of things are part of the give & take of marriage and being partners - and when do you draw the line and say - I'm not a partner now, I'm a sugarmamma? Of course - he did pay for getting my clutch replaced - but at the same time - it did burn out while he was driving my car - and considering that his commute is close to an hour and mine is more like 5 minutes - him driving it did acclerate the destruction - but does that make up for not helping with the standard household bills for close to 9 months, or is that just something that's expected? Ar there any kind of rules here? Or do we just have to make them up as we go along?
*sigh* I'm so bloody fucking tired of it all. And yeah, I really would like to run away on a work sanctioned vacation. Complete and utter abdication of responsibility there, but dammit - it would feel better than this.
quick memory that I want to note: last night, either right before or right after we had sex (I think it was right after, but before the sudden urge to do some work) he was talking about how wonderful his life was - great job, great wife, great prospects - and he said (jokingly, true) 'Wanna have kids?'
I shuddered - the sudden flush of abject HORROR at the thought of binding myself to him for life (as becoming co-parents does) stunned me. I mean, yeah - I know how I feel about having kids - but instead of the usual 'I can't afford to have kids' that flashes in my head at the thought, I got a new one - 'I don't WANT to have kids with you'.
It's strange - how I think I want to keep this, and I have absolutely no clue why.
I went back and looked at the wedding pictures - and it breaks my heart, because I think I may have been faking it.
We had a huge arguement the night before the wedding - when I told him that I've been telling him for the last year that if he couldn't accept me as who I was at the moment - with the awareness that I might change - then there was no use of us getting married - and even then, I had a sense of - futility, maybe? A feeling that I would never e good enough, sexy enough, out-goinging enough, eager enough to satisfy him - and it would only be the love that would blur his - our - vision enough to keep us together. Once that fades, my word - what disilluisonment would set in.
I try to remember why I married him. And all the reasons I can think of - aren't mine - or are so damn trite and petty that I wonder what kind of weed I was smoking to think that they could carry us through 40 years together - fuck, 4 years together.
I mean - what keeps a marriage strong if you doubt the love? Can you recreate it? And what if you're not sure that you want to? What do you do then? What do you do when you are married to a man that you aren't sure you love, that you aren't sure loves you, and you're not sure if you want to love him anymore anyway? I suppose you could try to recreate the love, but if you really are done - isn't that going to make the final breakup even harder - considering that you've been faking it trying to make it? What if you do build up the love, and find out that yeah - I really do love you, but I absolutely cannot stand your ass? Then what? you break two hearts? Or - just maybe you bring back the love, and it's golden and beautiful and it lasts for the rest of your natural born life and you wonder exactly what sort of crack you were on back then in the early days.
And ya know - that's what I want, but I don't know if that will make me happy. Because I really don't want to give up - I'm not a quitter. But I just plain don't care enough to really feel like exerting any effort to hold on - and beyond the love, I don't know how to start giving a shit again.