Well....

That was an interesting little trip down memory lane.  I hate the fact that the old entries show up as new ones despite the fact that I ahve them set up in separate chapters, but oh well - I don't feel like reshuffling my diary all about that badly - I just wanted to try to recreate a record of what at least part of the life I've spent with him has been.

And I'm sad to say, that I was lying to myself - or maybe I was lying to protect some stupid image of him that I had created. but no - I'm cutting them short.

I didn't wreck my Madza - he did. We were intoxicated, driving home from dinner, he ran a red light and totaled the car. He was also a little tipsy when he totalled HIS car a few weeks ago - thankfully not over the limit, otherwise he would be in jail. *sigh*

The reason the wedding was delayed wasn't because we didn't HAVE enough money - he didn't pay the credit card bill and they dropped our limit down to exactly how much we had charged on it - a difference of almost 5K. So yeah, there went those wedding plants.

If I'm going to stay with him (and after reading, and rereading, and rereading our vows - I've got to give it at least a little more of a chance) I've got to be honest - with myself about who he is, with myself about who I am - and with him about who I see him as, and who I am.

And I'm not going to front - it's going to be hard as fuck for me. I don't LIKE conflict - period. I'd much rather suffer in silence or run than rock the boat. And maybe that's part of what's scaring me - I CAN'T be silent for the rest of my life - and I certainly can't suffer.

But I'm afraid of what will happen when I stop biting my tongue in order to keep the peace - how could I NOT realize what I've been doing? He'll say something - not that I think he's totally wrong, but perhaps slightly offbase - like his comment this morning about the stupid mexican woman who took up two parking spaces - I saw her stop, leap out the truck and RUN to the house with all the signs of SERIOUSLY having to pee - I giggled a little, to be honest, cuz I've had days like that too - and when he said that - I wanted to defend her - to say that he had no right to call her stupid and that she DID live here and that she had a perfectly good reason for parking that way  - but instead I just bit my tongue - I mean - why even bother? It wouldn't do me any good, it wouldn't do him any good as he would just get that 'There she goes contradicting me to support some stranger' attitude, and the boat would have been rocked. 

And I'm not sure how much of it is 'wisely picking battles' and being mature enough to know when nothing should be/needs to be said - and how much of it is just knuckling down and keeping the peace. Where the hell is that line? And considering that I'm opininated as FUCK - it's going to be really hard for me to develop a line that doesn't end up with us arguing over EVERYTHING - I just don't have the emotional STRENGTH for that. But - I don't think I have the heart to stay silent either.

I feel like I can't talk to him about money because when we first got together, thats the only thing that he did that made me really expressively upset - I'm a VERY Fiscally responsible person (normally) and the fact that he owes utlities SHITLOADS of money (and still does, which is why they are ALL in my name) that he really had no intention of paying back - it bothered me. And I didn't want him to ever think that I would just lean back and support him - he HAD to chip in. And he would be late, or spend the money on something else - or come up with some excuse always - and it truly pissed me off.  And now - I feel like I CAN'T bug him about it (the whole 400 thing is really irking me and since I came up with the number, I don't know why - or maybe it's the insurance.....) because once again - he will think that because that's the only thing I'm getting really upset about - it's the only thing I really CARE about. But that's not true - it's just that it's the only thing I feel totally comfortable to claim that I am RIGHT about - and therefore I am in the moral position to ask him to reach my level.

And this is why I need a therapist - cuz I can't tell all this to my friends - they don't know C well enough to understand all of the magic that is him and to integrate the ugliness that is in him too without losing a measure of the fondness they have for him. I'm afraid taht as I fall out of love (I'm working on the cycle idea) that as the soft cotton of  romantic passionate love and bliss fall from my eyes (surely to return) that I will start to hate him. And each time I fall back in love, there's still going to be a little more hate left from the last time - until even love can't overcome it.

That's what I'm afraid of.