punk

he asked me last night if I was happy. I said I wasn't sure - i wasn't certain enough to say yes, and I wasn't unhappy enough to say no.

l says I should tell him. tell him about what? the fact that I'm not sure I love him anymore? the fact that i wonder if I should have ever gotte married? that's not the kind of things that you tell someone you want to live with - or that you might think you might want to live with - or love. those words seem like a definite ending to me - but i have to tell him something.

earlier today, i was thinking that maybe i cold explain it as an attitude adjustemnt - but heaven knows he's complained enough before about my changing opinions on stuff. no, I'm not the most stable person - but at least i've never claimed to be stuck on the straight & narrow either. so - what sort of attitude adjustment? I *thinks* I don't know. i know that i feel different - I feel - more. i feel more like me than i've felt in a very long time. and maybe i'm a little scared too. i'm scared of the rut that has become my life - and for a glorious few weeks i remembered that this doesn't have to BE my life - and now i'm not quite sure what i want my life to be at all.

OA asked me "Are you just realizing that he is this way? Or are you realizing that you aren't that way?" and - i'm not sure. I think i've always known he was this way - but there was enough love buoying me up that i could ignore it. And i think that i've never been that way - and i was buoyed up enough by love to believe that i would be willing to change. and now? it's just like - whatever man.

but then - i do love him. i just don't think i love him like a husband deserves to be loved. i love him like a friend - a very close friend - a very sexy friend - a very wonderful, kind, lovingingly lovely friend - but - *shrug* that's about it. And maybe that's all the love i've got to give to him - but i know i've got depths of passion in me that are just - cold - around him - and i don't know if it's him or if it's me - or more likely, it's just us.

or it's just me, as i've never had to sustain passion for quite so long. sheesh - it can get tiring - but i can't really live fully without it either. or maybe it's jsut me trying to be not me and all that energy has to come from somewhere, right?

i think that maybe living separate lives would be good for us - it would make when we are together more valuable. but - i wonder if those separate lives would ever really be just one? or - should that even be a requirement?

I can't imagine being like my mother - falling in love so hard with a man that she marries him, falling out of love so hard that she divorces him - and then turns around and does the same thing TWO MORE TIMES with the SAME man. *shudder* No thank you - give me the clean break that lasts or the solid love that endures - that yo-yo shit would drive me crazier than I already am.

so i've got about a week to think in peace as he's working the rest of the week.

i ask myself - do you want to spend the rest of your life with him - and the answer I get is a shrug. a SHRUG. it doesn't matter either way. there is just something WRONG with that.

i suddenly quite clearly understand europeans who stay together for years and never get married - children and all.

maybe i'll get another tattoo.

---

i mentioned the porn thing today on our drive to work.

"Do me a favor - please? Never look at porn on my work computer - it's stupid, and could get me in a shitload of trouble".

he then proceeds to tell me that he didn't do it purposely. *raised eyebrow* Now that - that pissed me off.

"Don't bullshit me - you spent an hour and a half looking at porn."

silence.

"I won't do it again."

hm.

that worried me. he then said that he didn't do it to get me in trouble ON purpose - but that doesn't even make sense. Of course he wasn't trying to get me in trouble. I think he was trying to imply that it was an accidental 'porn-by'. and that worries me. he knows i don't care about porn. so why even try to conceal the fact? hm. am i going to ask him? maybe. or it might just be a few more inches of rope.