I'm like a pendulum, ya know? I force myself one way, and then the pressure to give in becomes more than the pressure to keep myself up, and a swing madly and furiously and swiftly to the other side.
I've been good, for a long time. Kind, caring, self-sarcifing, sweetly compromising, giving, reading all the right self-help books, trying to become this - person that I felt pressured to be. And my, how the pendulum has swung. I want to be a selfish, contrary, digustingly independant BRAT. I wanna spend money, and run the streets, and play hooky from work, and go crusing with the sunroof open and bass rattling every single window. I wanna wear very high heels and very short skirts and dance for hours with good smelling men that I'll never see again. I want to laugh so hard I cry while sitting in the middle of a group of other wonderfully free fine and exceptional women. I want to be responsible for nothing but me, and have no one depend on me for anything.
And yeah, I know that there is no rule that says you can't be married and do all that. And yeah, I know there are plenty of married women who DO do all of that - and still manage to keep everything happy at home. And maybe, just maybe I can be one of those women - hell, I certainly know that I've got the potential - so why not put it into practice? *grins* I would say that I just don't know HOW - but as I love to tell l - don't worry about the knowing - just DO it.
Hm. I was rummaging around in Reader's Choice and saw the suggestion for how to find all of the old entries - I did that on my computer, and guess what popped up? The download of my Wedding Diary. I'm going to repost it in it's own chapter - but hm. I just found that interesting as all get out. I'm rereading it now, and - it's kinda interesting. I wrote some things that I really do think I need to reread now - things that came from ME and that might just help me over this hump.
I went bookshopping last night (at a fullprice store too!) and found a book called 'Marriage for Grownups'. It seemed to have the right blend of humor, experience, and wisdom for me - something to gnaw on and percolate through my head. I haven't started reading it yet - but I figure I'll whoosh through it in one night.
Our house is - dirty. Not totally and utterly filthy, as I cleaned the upstairs last weekend, but it certainly needs a bit of work. And you know what? I''m not touching it until Saturday. In fact, I have no intentions of cleaning more than once a week. It's satifactory to me, it keeps most of the nastiness under control, and it eases any guilty stressly feelings I might have about my ability as a homemaker. *gag* Yes, I said that and the fact that I said it is almost sickening considering it's just as much HIS home as it is mine and therefore there are really two homemakers up in there, but hell - I've been throughly socialized in ways that caused be to lose my religion (literally) so hey - it's going to take a while for me to totally free my mind from the bullshit.
And ya know what? The fact that he works slightly longer hours than I do doesn't mean shite to me. We should contribute equally to our home in one way or another, and considering its like pulling fucking teeth to get him to AGREE to give 400 bucks a month to cover his half of the bills (and heaven knows, I'm STILL going to have to ask for it every, single, fucking, month) the fact that he works more isn't bringing anything additional to the home. Am I being too rough? I'm trying to find a balance between telling him that - who cres if you work longer - this is your house too, and if I have to clean, YOU have to clean - and greeting him when he comes home with a cold beer, a pair of slippers in my hand and a seethrough nighty made of saranwrap on. And then I wonder if I even have room to complain - I mean - hell - should I base my satisifaction on what others are lucky to get or on what I WANT? And is what I want asking for too too much?
I'm soooo damn tired. I feel pulled like taffy - and my eyes keep twitching. I haven't had twitchy eye in YEARS - side effect of stress, not enough sleep, and too much damn thinking. Work is - whipping my mental ass. I leave work everyday and just start walking towards downtwon to give my brain a chance to come back in out of the cold. I've grown to not want to go straight home every night from work - what's there that I need to go to? No husband, two greedy cats, and a television that is actively rotting my brain. I've got no REASON to go home - esp. when I'm bored and want to make friends (and I certainly can't do that mewed in the house). So I go out wandering - looking for someplace that can be a hangout spot for me - and so far - nada. One Irish pub seems kinda fun - but the bar is set up oddly, so you can't really get a good people watching position. The Noodle is okay - but too many coworkers go there, and I have to admit, I don't wanna be seen hanging out in a bar all lonely only by people who know me. There are a couple other spots - but I haven't been dressed to go to them yet. Hm. I've really developed a higher level of clothing snobbery than I ever thought was possbile for me. My clothes are my armor - and now that the armor fits so nicely, it's become even more important that my clothing present me how I feel that I am - that they give off the correct 'attitude' in first impressions. So - haven't been to Nicky Blaines, or the Olive - I just wasn't dressed to present myself there.
Tonight though - I'm going out to party. Haven't decided if I'm going to go home first, and then go out, or if I'll lounge around downtown for a couple of hours beforehand. *sigh* I SO wish I had some friends here that I could call and we could kick it for awhile after work - but even the cool people I know are work people - and at home, that's a line that just isn't crossed. It fascinates me that everyone is so damn eager to go HOME at the end of the night. I have to admit, I CERTAINLY want to get the hell out of here once 5pm rolls around - but I also most CERTAINLY don't want to go home.
I was considering putting an ad in one of the free weeklys along the lines of - Solo Party Animal looking for a Herd - i figure optimistically that I can't be the only late-20something (EEE!!! Eeeee!!!)in Indy in this position. But of course, my lack of a car severely hinders me in getting around in ANY shape or form, as this is most certainly NOT a bus city. I waitied for damn near an hour last night for a bus (and it's really starting to get nipply) and finally gave up and caught a cab home. 50 bucks a week. for a fucking cab. *sigh*
circles
swooping through my head
the same thougts
of anger
love and dread
i must break free
without breaking him
or me.
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