errors

I know who I am - it's just that, I'd forgotten for a while. Or maybe not forgotten, just ignored the me that I really am.

And then I was free for a little while - free from bills, free from personal pressures, free from expectations, and all of a sudden, I met me again - and I found out that damn, I LOVED me - I missed me. And - I wanted to hold on to me.

But then I came back. And I think that maybe I've been really unfair to the man that I married - because I didn't give him a chance to really know me - instead the only woman he's known has been one trying to squeeze herself into his image of what she should be. From the start - to the middle - to now - I've worked so damn hard to be what he wants - and kept squishing down the comments about what I wanted - who I was - what I expected. And I love him enough - loved him enough - to do that without a quiver.

Then - then we got married. And suddenly - the realization of the longterm effects of this kept rushing in. I would have to do this - forever. Until one of us died - and it got harder. I got more - desparate. I've built myself into a lovely little corner, and it wasn't until I remembered what it was like outside of that corner did I really realize how tight it was. 

And now, I feel frozen and horrible and so very very guilty - because I'm almost sure that the woman that I am, isn't the woman that C married - no, I know she isn't that woman, and I don't think that she is a woman he would have married. And I feel like I tricked him - all in love, and without the least bit of maliciousness - I tricked him into believing that me could make him happy - could keep him happy - could be a good wife (in his image of what a good wife is). And - I'm utterly terrified of telling him that it isn't true - that I've lied, and concealed - all for love - all for his love - but now I remember and love me too much for even his love to be worth it.

And the really sad part is that the warning signs were there - I knew that it would be a hard uphill battle for me - and I hoped - I thought - that maybe my love would make it easier - less - like duty and more like pleasure. And it's all so BLOODY stupid. Why can't I just - do it? *laugh* Why can't he accept the fact that I don't want to just do it? Why do we have to keep going through these stupid cycles of silence and hurt that I know I've caused and the one thing that I could do to ease him through - to ease us through - is the one thing that caused the pain in the first place?

And life is too short to fake it - and that's about where we've reached. I fake it until I'm tired, and he seems satisfied, and I get bitter. Or I don't fake it, and he gets bitter, but I'm - satisfied. Or - in those rare moments of sychronity, I don't have to fake it, and it's wonderful for a while - but between work and silence and general discomfort caused by the last three times - those times come about literally once in a blue moon. And I KNEW this - and he knew this, and we both hoped that love would help us - overcome it.

And I think at the root of it all, this is why I'm doubting if we should have ever gotten married. *laugh* I always wondered what an irreconcilable difference was - what could so split a couple that nothing that they could do could get them over it - and there was no way they could survive the difference - and the difference was there beforehand, and I couldn't - couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that it could be that big of a deal.

I hope he's off tonight - because I have to talk to him. I have to know what trumps in his heart, mind & body........ and I think I know - but I hope I'm wrong.