10:09

I am falling into one of my worst habits, extrapolating doom.

Or, maybe it's one of my best habits, when kept in check.

I don't know.

But - I didn't expect the reaction I got.

*sigh*

I don't know.

He suggested - on a Friday night, where he has to get up early, and I usually stay up late - that we play the sex cards.

No.

He asked me when I was going to come to bed (as I'm messing with my hair, as I USUALLY do on a Friday), and when I asked why, he said because he's been wanting to play the sex cards.

Which, ya know, he has....but it's not like we haven't been having sex, without the cards even.

Of course, the first time he mentioned them, he said he wanted to play cards, and I got SO excited because I thought he wanted to spend time with me not associated with TV or sex.

But no.

He wanted to play sex cards.

And, so my next yeah (as I've promised MYSELF to keep my no's down to periods when I would truly feel violated by having sex) wasn't nearly as enthuased as the card playing one was.

He retracted, and we played two rounds of cards. One. Two. I won one, he won the other.

Anyhow, that was about - a week? week and a half ago? In between that time, there's been the 'letter'.

And my response, which I'm still too much of a pussy to send - and let him read.

*sigh*

Anyhow.

He asks me tonight, when I'm coming to bed, and I say not too late.

And then...

Maybe that's where I messed up.

I suggested a delay.

Because, ya know, I'm getting poked with needles and swallowing 30 odd pills a day in an attempt to try to get pregnant, and ya know, the problem might NOT even be me.

And ya know, since we had sex THIS MORNING (once again, wasn't worth my saying no), and Fertell requires a two day 'hold', I figured - hey! We can hold off, I can finish my hair, he can get the rest he needs, he can take the test Sunday, and we can play the cards Sunday night.

I mean, obviously, he'll have no problem getting it up twice a day, as that's what he suggested tonight.

'How about we play Sunday night?'

Mild look of - what? Disgust? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Sulk? crosses his face.

'Fine.'

He looks upset, still.

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday morning?'

'What?'

He's already got the upset/withdrawn look on his face. I'm wondering - did he not hear me? Did he not understand?

'Would you mind taking the fertility test Sunday Morning?'

'What does that have to do with me?'

I just look at him. What - I couldn't even understand the question - what does it have to do with him? Huh?

I begin to explain, and he cuts me off - now, very withdrawn, very upset, very cold.

'Fine.'

I look at him, hoping for something more. He stares back.

"You know that means you can't cum for two days?....."  I ask uncertainly.

'I know, that's why I said Fine.'  Short, now. Brusque. Cold. Withdrawn.

I don't understand. Maybe - maybe he's scared of the results, and that's his only way of expression. Maybe, despite having sex four times in the last week, he thinks I'm trying to dodge him. Maybe...... I don't know. Maybe he has changed his mind, and doesn't want to have kids. Maybe he has no CLUE how important and heartfelt this - journey - that I'm really walking alone - to have children is to me.

I don't know.

But - I'm tired of crying in front of him. I'm tired of crying because of him. I'm - tired, really. I don't have the energy (or according to him, the right) to fight anymore, so why even bother?

I hate love, I think.

We go on, I determine that I'm not going to bed anytime soon, and he starts watching the end bit of a movie.

Silence.

Stiff, silence.

I decide that I'm also in no mood to eat. *sigh* One carryover, I can identify, no, pinpoint clearly.

he gets up, to go to bed, and I get up to refresh the hot towel on my head. He begins telling me about his day tomorrow - long hours, again, as usual. I don't geel the usual surge of love and gratitude - more a cloak of relief that I'll be able to avoid the coldness for at least a day. I wonder - should I be TRYING to have children with him? Is it worth it? Am I repeating my mothers mistakes?

I tell him my plans for Sunday - he's off, but has to go in, and I wanted to let him know when I would be out of the house so that maybe he would time it. I explain, briefly, Mabon, and he says......yeah, you guessed it.

'Fine.'

He asks me whats on my mind, and at first, I say nothing.

No, too obvious of a lie.

Nothing I can put my fingers on.

Ah, that's a lie he'll buy.

He buys it, and goes to bed. Single, hard, cold kiss.

As soon as he's upstairs, the tears start leaking out. I straighten up the kitchen briefly (I've set up recycling bins - why can't/won't he use them?) and come to write.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to handle the not giving a fuckness.

I'm pretty sure I'm overly emotional, but.

Ah.

It'll officially be six months in exactly a week.

That just struck me.

Ah, Kendra child, what will you do with yourself and him?

And, I'm debating if I even want to be a midwife anymore - which doesn't help me, any.

And that letter is still sitting heavy on my head.

Am I being too too?

I don't know.

But I do know that I will sit here long enough to stop my tears, do my oilpulling, braid, then rinse my hair, take a shower, and dry off to go to bed with a smile.

At least, I know he won't want sex.

The question is, will he even touch me at all?

10:36

12:23

Still bleeding. *shrugs* Whatever.

I'm. I'm in a mood, really. And, I know - in my heart of hearts that coming down off of the shrooms caused the mood - but, no. It allowed me to fully experience the change.

I'm broken. Really, I am. And the only way to fix that is to acknowledge. I've got a wall 12 feet thick and 20 feet high all around me, and I don't know how to break it down. Most of the time, I don't even realize it's THERE - and last night, I literally FELT it come back up, and I was so disappointed.

Even now, thinking of it beings tears to my eyes because - it's not fair. It's - it's cruel, actually.

And I don't know how to fix it. I can barely look directly at it. But I know that I want it gone.

12:26

11:11

I'm a little scared that without the lubricant of altering substances - weed, alcohol, etc, we won't get along nearly as well.

I don't know why as - I love him sober, and he loves me sober.

Somehow, I just think that it won't be quite as FUN. Are we THIS fun sober? And how scary is that in general? I want to be the cool bitch that I am high, sober.

I've acheived it - ocassionally, and usually with a group of pretty fucking special women, but I don't know if I can achieve it alone - so to speak.

Which really, is rather sad. I think.

I just had a conversation with C about the fact that I don't react - 'normally' to a lot of external social stimuli.

*sigh*

More later, as it's late, and I'm tired, and just. Bleh.

11:26

Historically Speaking.....

So - I was digging around in my old files, and stumbled across this - and since it HAPPENS to be on the same day (jsut seven - SEVEN!!!!! years ago) I figured it would be cool to post it.

Loving U....aint't easy.... - 11/16/99

Yeah.. I'm at work Again....when else would I be able to write in peace??

I had a most interesting conversation yesterday...about falling in love & being in love. I was talking to one of my friends who is sprung...in love.. head over heels. Her man is her life, her heart , her soul. She has said quite often that she would not want to live without him, and that she is in a constant state of depression because he is in NYC and she is here. Okay...well and good. That is lovely and all for her, but when she tried to say that that is what being in love is all about. And at that point I bust out with... " I think that i am too independent to ever fall in love." * laughs * I nearly had the whole computer lab in chaos, as all these women tried to tell me that falling in love doesn't mean giving up who you are, it just means a blending of you and somebody else. * sighs * And yeah, I listened to what they had to say, but all of them were talking about how they started doing things what they never thought they would do... and I asked " That isn't a change of who you are?" they said that I would do these things without thinking about..simply because I wanted to...but why would I suddenly want to do something that I never wanted to do before...because I was in love?? * rolls eyes * Somehow.. I think not. And I don't think they understood what I was trying to say. What I was trying to say... in my own brief words was: I am unable to give of myself fully...I am unable to let myself go all the way. I analyze everything to see how this affects me . My boundaries of how far I let anyone into my heart have been set in stone, and it will take a lot more than love to break them down. I have fought too long and too hard to be my OWN woman to suddenly turn into a creation of someone else's love. And sometimes I regret that...a lot of times. Sometimes I wish that I I couldn't be so coldly analytical, and that I could let emotions run me for more than a few days. But I can't... or at least at this point in my life I won't. Why? *shrugs * I got burnt rather badly as a child... * laughs * Yeah.. I'm blaming this one on my 'parents' cuz going through 3 divorces between the same two people doesn't inspire precisely the greatest faith & trust in love. Going to shelters and cars and other folx houses cuz love led you there...doesn't quite inspire the security and comfort that I want in my life...so I opt out of that whole falling IN love shyt. I love... *nods * oh yes I love totally and fully and with my all. But I love as *thinks * as a part of me that is extended. My love is not so tightly wound around who I am that it can't be released without taking parts of me with it. I love as part of a feeling that I have FOR a certain person...but if that person was gone... I would not be destroyed within myself. I guess that is why I tend to treat my friends and my lovers so much the same. I am not willing to give anyone a higher status.. because that means I would have to do more than just love this person.. I would have to let that person inside of me...let them roam around the solitude that I call my heart..but I want to keep those rooms all to myself... letting no one else in...I need a place to retreat to that I can always call all mine own... created by me for me...and I let my heart be that place. So...yeah... I think I am too independent to fall in love. It requires a amount of change and rapture that I am not warm enough to see. *laughs * as my girlfriend says... 'caught up in the rapture' I *sighs * I ain't strong enough to endure the pain of falling OUT of love... so I never let my self go to fall In in the first place. *sighs * Maybe if I just once saw a happy love affair... that lasted till death did them part... that STARTED and ENDED with them still IN love..and not having gone to them just 'lovin' each other.. I might have a little more faith. But until the fairy tales start to come true... I will stick to loving those who deserve my love...and not fallin...for nothing.

Stay Jazzed.

---

Scarily enough, even afterh aving fallen head over heels in love, and having been married for three years - I still can't really disagree with the 21 year old I was then. I KNOW that there are parts of me that I don't let C into - and every day, I judge what I do for HIM means to ME.

*laughs*

I DO, however, do things for him that I would never have pictured myself doing for someone else - just because he likes it. I'm SO giving, and SO loving, that - I can't really hold back giving to others - I just hold back on giving MYSELF to others.

I think that sometimes, THAT is why I'm so - freaked/eager to have a child - because I think that will be the event that really shows me a hint of the expanse of my love.

Here we go again, gotdammit

I've been with my husband for a little over six years now, married for two. When we first got together, I had been purposely abstinent for a year, and wow - those first couple of months of sex were - stellar - out of the universe - totally amazing.
Since then, my level of sexual desire has dropped, and dropped, and dropped, and dropped - and his has stayed at the same redhot level it was to start with.
We have an almost PERFECT relationship - except for the fact that I MIGHT want to have sex with him once every two months, and he wants me in the sack three times a week.
We've argued, cried, I've gone to therapy (where the doctor basically told me to have some wine and think of England), and I'm at my LAST string.
We refuse to get a divorce over sexual issues, and we want kids - really, we click EVERYWHERE except for the bedroom.
My question is - is it - unfair of me to not have 'one-sided' sex with him? Has anyone else ever done that to save their relationship (have sex despite not wanting it) and gradually - gotten used to it? Can having sex, when there is no sexual desire, create sexual desire? Prime the pump, so to speak? And how long does that take? Will resentment build up in that period of time? 

And why am I so resistant to even trying? I've never been able to connect love and sex - in fact, when I was growing up, I was told that the fact that I loved someone was no reason to have sex with them. Now, I'm being told 'If you loved me, you'd have sex with me!' and I'm still reacting with resistance - but he's my HUSBAND.
In a way - he's right, isn't he? Or is that the root of my problem - I don't think that anyone should have the right to dictate my sexual expressions - including my husband - and if I give him that right, I'll slowly start to abdicate all of my rights?
Why can't I think of it the other way around - by GIVING him my sexuality - he'll GIVE me himself. Seems like a fair trade, but it seems so - manipulative to use my sexuality so blatantly to obtain what I want - a father for my children, a partner for my life.
But - as much as it - bothers me - as much as it feels like - an abidication of something I never really claimed - I'm willing to try. *laughs* Maybe I should read some GOOD submissive porn to get my juices flowing - which, I actually like - but I don't feel like he's strong enough to have earned my submission.

*blinks*

Well..... I've survived day one of hubby-at-home rather nicely - so far, so very good. And I'm quite relieved to find out I'm not the only one who gets the wiggling heebie-jeebies at the thought of spending ALL of their time with someone. And EEKK!! I found out he's going to have the weekends OFF! *gasp*

Access is going to make me pull my hair out, but in a good way. :)

I forgot to eat lunch today as I was so involved, and I have every intentions of escaping early and going home and baking a fresh loaf of bread. In fact, I hope to meddle about on here until it's time to go. 4:16 now....

Found 'French Women Don't Get Fat' - am dissapointed so far because it apparently is bestfor those semi-svelte women who only have 30 pounds or so to lose - heifern. Still, seems like a good attitude to have as far as appreciating food and eating for QUALITY rather than quantity and being aware of what's going in your mouth. I realized today as I was getting dressed (we aren't even going to TALK about the clothing hurricane that is the library/my closet) that I really DON'T have an issue with the weight that I am - with my size. What I would like to get rid of, is what I've had since I was BORN - my potbelly (or bucketbelly now).  EVERYTHING else on me is proportionate - hips to boobs, ass to thighs, knees to ankles, head to everything else - EXCEPT the belly. My grandmother once thought I had worms. *le sigh*.  But one good thing about me - as I lose weight, my waistline tightens up too....

We grilled last night - lovely ribs, simply lovely. I made veggies to go on the side, he had soup. I want something - summery for dinner tonight. Not ready for Fall. Not! Not! Not!

Finally gave in and picked the last of the habeneros from the plant last night - brought them in the house, and left them out on the counter. This morning, five or six of them had turned orangey colored - I think just the warmth of the house is making them ripen. I think that I'll take a cutting or two from the plants and try to over winter them. Hmmm.. Cuttings.

HMm....looks like I cut, and stick in some dirt. Hmmm......Sweet.

4:25pm. Not bad. G'night ya'll.

I'm such a horrid wife....

The darling light of my life is about to start working days, and I'm hyperventilating. Why, you may ask? Because that means we'll be together ALLLLLLLLLL the time - okay, maybe not Saturdays, but STILL.
See, you must understand two things about me. One, I'm an only child, and I need time away from humans in order to remain human - no matter how much I might love them.  Two, for a good 80% of our relationship together, we've worked roughly opposite shifts. I've done the 9-5pm bit, and he's done the 3-11pm bit. We always have weekends, and lately it's been Monday's together. Which means that we get our 'own' time about 3 days a week (I stay up late on Fridays and spend that time with him as well) and have lovely wonderful togetherness time 4 days a week. Has worked wonderfully thus far.

Now....he's switching to days. Which will most likely turn into 7-3pm - which means I'll get a little time in the morning (when I'm not human ANYHOW) and no time at all (besides driving home from work) to myself in the evening.  AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! And to make it even worse, it's getting COLD - which means I can't escape outside. I love him, love him dearly, but I know that it's going to drive me crazy.crazy.crazy. And I really have no clue of how to deal with/handle it.

It's not like - he bugs me or anything - I just like having time to myself. And it's interesting, because I've always wondered/worried about this aspect of myself once I have kids - but I realized, ya know what - they HAVE to sleep sometime.......and that can be the 'me' time that I need, whereas the light of my life WILL stay awake until I go to bed, and will come to bed with me.

So. I'm making plans....plots would be a better word - on how to deal with it. The way our house is set up, the only room that I could retreat to would be the loft - which wouldn't be bad, except for the fact that the computer mainly resides downstairs (ah yes, remind me to gnash my teeth over my computer). And besides, theres' no furniture up there. *laughs* Ya know, this might be a wonderful way to FORCE me to go and work out on a regular basis - I can zone away into my own little wornd while I'm working out, and come home 'cleared' and refreshed. That would really be a win-win....and once again, it would give me SOME alone time 4 days of the week - plus making me go to the gym. Hmmmm - that might be right peachy.

See??? I feel better already.

 

---

 

Got the new piece for my laptop (a backlight for the screen, if anyone is interested). Tested it IN the screen that chickiedee sent it to me in (the one that she said worked). Now, she could be lying, but as this is a replacement part for the FIRST one I got (that reminds me, I need to leave feedback) I doubt it -  she's already got mah money. *sigh* hooked it up to the computer, turned it on, and nothing. Utter darkness. Which *swears vibrantly* tells me that it's something OTHER than the backlight. Am I going to take it to get fixed? No, no I'm not...and why not you may ask? Because fixing the damn screen on a laptop is the MOST expensive bit of the little bastards. I was lucky in being able to get a new screen for 'cheap' (300 and someodd dollars??) when the first one got cracked, but dammit I am NOT shelling out for another screen at this point in time. And from what I've seen online, if I took it to someone to get fixed, they would laugh at me and tell me it would end up being CHEAPER (once you factor in labor) to buy a new one. Dammit. So. *sigh* I suppose I could check out the inverter - depsite me being almost POSITIVE that isn't the problem - and seeing if that works.
The computer is going to have to become stationary, I think - largely because I can get a nice monitor for much cheaper than a new computer...but that would also require the use of a good desk, as we won't be able to balance a laptop bottom and a monitor on the little TV trays that we are currently using.  And besides, I'm stubborn - I LIKE my computer. I've got it set up JUST right. I don't WANT a new one, dammit - despite the fact that we actually have enough money saved (house money!! do not touch!!) to get a really noice new laptop - but no. So....on the lookout for a nice monitor, and a worthwhile desk - though we could use the dining room table (which we almost NEVER eat on) for a while. *makes face* Gah. Why, oh why, isn't crap built to LAST anymore? Hmmmm?? Damn Gateway. Fie on thee, FIE!!!

 

---

 

I'm sure that I haven't kvetched about work in a while - I'm still bored senseless, but I volunteered for a project that should keep me occupied for at least a week or two - building a new Access database for us to keep track of our fixes to the system. One of my coworkers said that it would take about 3 months to finish (snicker) I'm thinking it'll take three weeks - and I'm not even that FAMILIAR with Access. I've used it before - built some really cool shit - but what we need is simple enough that seriously - a good book or two, and I'll be off and running. Speaking of building ish, I'm glad to say that despite for ONE area my doula website is almost done - yet another reason I want my computer back! I need to finish off the brochures and such. And yeah, I can work on my work computer at home (as I've been doing since it went down) but I don't feel right about it - despite the fact that my boss knows about my 'side' job. So yeah - that's all kinds of cool & ish.

Um. 4:23pm. Gah.

 

Goldiggers, and Lumps of Lead

Talking to this fellow online (completely platonically - ew!) and he's moaning about the fact that he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Lets see - 1) You still live with your momma. 2) You have ALWAYS lived with your momma. 3) You don't own a car. 4) You don't have a job. 5) And you're THIRTY TWO freaking years old.

Now - who, exactly, in their right mind would want to date - much less fuck this guy? I mean - he seems REALLY nice. And - nah, financial considerations should be a minor part of mutual interest - but to ME - it seems like.....this fellow has an utter lack of ambition or drive. He's got a college degree (in Electrical Engineering - so he ain't STUPID) and yet, doesn't work. Maybe it's just me - and the fact that I have worked since I was in HIGH SCHOOL. I started out at a library, then took a few years off of work to focus on getting a degree, then worked my last two years of college, then I've been working (ocassionally two, and once THREE jobs at the same time).

I left my mom's house as SOON as I graduatated from high school, and me and my mom have a GREAT relationship - but I wanted to start building my own life. So - I guess it's really hard for me to understand/respect someone who is WILLLING to sit on his ass, let his mother continue to take care of him, and NOT be busting his hump in a global fashion to get a job. And I'm sure - any women he's TRIED to approach (esp. in this city which seems to be rampant with golddiggers and the men who are willing give them money) have damn near laughed in his face. Hm. I wonder if he's a virgin.

But - am I being too hard on him to think that the above - issues - completely kicks him out of the dating pool? Or - is it wrong to think that a 32 year old man, with a degree, should at LEAST have lived on his own for a few months at some point in his life? He said that he tried to get a place in college, but it fell through. But....*shakes head* maybe it just smacks too much of an overly dependant relationship between him & his momma.....and I don't think ANY woman with sense wants a momma's boy of THOSE dimensions.

*shakes head*

Speaking of golddiggers, Hubby set up a profile on YahooPersonals, and he got a response from this one chick almost immeadiately. She said that she was out of the country, settling her late fathers estate (in West Africa - and she's Asian, but looks white/latina) , but she was coming back yesterday....and she wanted him to pick her up at the airport. Hmm...okay - but no. He told her that he had to work, but maybe they could meet up once she got back. We get home last night, and she's written him back - to ask that he WIRE her 500 bucks to pay off her hotel bill, and that maybe when she gets back to the states maybe they could get MARRIED - I told him he should tell her that bigamy is illegal. *ROFLOL*

Ummm......I figure it's a scam of huge proportions, and I wonder how many men she's (he's) sucked in with it. But I mean - damn! Asking someone you've talked to all of TWICE (through email none the less) for 5 big ones? AFTER you've told him that you are settling your fathers estate? And maybe this is a rude/crude sterotype, but being Asian, I'm assuming that she has a rather large extended family. I mean - come on!! How boo-boo the fool does she think he is? *LOL* Most amusing. Seriously.

Old Lovers

Something I wrote earlier sparked me to go and search online for two old lovers - Mike and Jeremy.  *smiles*

Mike was my first college boyfriend - a compulsive liar & cheater, but brilliant, gorgeous (gorgeous!), a gentleman (he could make you feel like a queen as long as you ignored how many other queens he had) and sexy. oohh child. Eat him up with a SPOON. Younger than me too - by almsot 9 months, which we both got a real giggle out of.

Jeremy was - older, HUGE (in every which way), smart - loving - but he was never 'really' my boyfriend. He was in love with me - still says it broke his heart to hear that I was getting married - and while he was the best fuck buddy I've ever had - I just COULDN'T get into a relationship with him.

Got me thinking about - writing something using that. Old Lovers. Airport? Airplane. Sitting an aisle or two away. What happens? What do they talk about? What do they feel?

Eh. Maybe.

wanderlust

I'm like a pendulum, ya know? I force myself one way, and then the pressure to give in becomes more than the pressure to keep myself up, and a swing madly and furiously and swiftly to the other side.

I've been good, for a long time. Kind, caring, self-sarcifing, sweetly compromising, giving, reading all the right self-help books, trying to become this - person that I felt pressured to be. And my, how the pendulum has swung. I want to be a selfish, contrary, digustingly independant BRAT. I wanna spend money, and run the streets, and play hooky from work, and go crusing with the sunroof open and bass rattling every single window. I wanna wear very high heels and very short skirts and dance for hours with good smelling men that I'll never see again. I want to laugh so hard I cry while sitting in the middle of a group of other wonderfully free fine and exceptional women. I want to be responsible for nothing but me, and have no one depend on me for anything.

And yeah, I know that there is no rule that says you can't be married and do all that. And yeah, I know there are plenty of married women who DO do all of that - and still manage to keep everything happy at home. And maybe, just maybe I can be one of those women - hell, I certainly know that I've got the potential - so why not put it into practice? *grins* I would say that I just don't know HOW - but as I love to tell l - don't worry about the knowing - just DO it.

---

Hm. I was rummaging around in Reader's Choice and saw the suggestion for how to find all of the old entries - I did that on my computer, and guess what popped up? The download of my Wedding Diary. I'm going to repost it in it's own chapter - but hm. I just found that interesting as all get out. I'm rereading it now, and - it's kinda interesting. I wrote some things that I really do think I need to reread now - things that came from ME and that might just help me over this hump.

I went bookshopping last night (at a fullprice store too!) and found a book called 'Marriage for Grownups'. It seemed to have the right blend of humor, experience, and wisdom for me - something to gnaw on and percolate through my head. I haven't started reading it yet - but I figure I'll whoosh through it in one night.

---

Our house is - dirty. Not totally and utterly filthy, as I cleaned the upstairs last weekend, but it certainly needs a bit of work. And you know what? I''m not touching it until Saturday. In fact, I have no intentions of cleaning more than once a week. It's satifactory to me, it keeps most of the nastiness under control, and it eases any guilty stressly feelings I might have about my ability as a homemaker. *gag* Yes, I said that and the fact that I said it is almost sickening considering it's just as much HIS home as it is mine and therefore there are really two homemakers up in there, but hell - I've been throughly socialized in ways that caused be to lose my religion (literally) so hey - it's going to take a while for me to totally free my mind from the bullshit.

And ya know what? The fact that he works slightly longer hours than I do doesn't mean shite to me. We should contribute equally to our home in one way or another, and considering its like pulling fucking teeth to get him to AGREE to give 400 bucks a month to cover his half of the bills (and heaven knows, I'm STILL going to have to ask for it every, single, fucking, month) the fact that he works more isn't bringing anything additional to the home. Am I being too rough? I'm trying to find a balance between telling him that - who cres if you work longer - this is your house too, and if I have to clean, YOU have to clean - and greeting him when he comes home with a cold beer, a pair of slippers in my hand and a seethrough nighty made of saranwrap on. And then I wonder if I even have room to complain - I mean - hell - should I base my satisifaction on what others are lucky to get or on what I WANT? And is what I want asking for too too much?

---

I'm soooo damn tired. I feel pulled like taffy - and my eyes keep twitching. I haven't had twitchy eye in YEARS - side effect of stress, not enough sleep, and too much damn thinking. Work is - whipping my mental ass. I leave work everyday and just start walking towards downtwon to give my brain a chance to come back in out of the cold. I've grown to not want to go straight home every night from work - what's there that I need to go to? No husband, two greedy cats, and a television that is actively rotting my brain. I've got no REASON to go home - esp. when I'm bored and want to make friends (and I certainly can't do that mewed in the house). So I go out wandering - looking for someplace that can be a hangout spot for me - and so far - nada. One Irish pub seems kinda fun - but the bar is set up oddly, so you can't really get a good people watching position. The Noodle is okay - but too many coworkers go there, and I have to admit, I don't wanna be seen hanging out in a bar all lonely only by people who know me. There are a couple other spots - but I haven't been dressed to go to them yet. Hm. I've really developed a higher level of clothing snobbery than I ever thought was possbile for me. My clothes are my armor - and now that the armor fits so nicely, it's become even more important that my clothing present me how I feel that I am - that they give off the correct 'attitude' in first impressions. So - haven't been to Nicky Blaines, or the Olive - I just wasn't dressed to present myself there.

Tonight though - I'm going out to party. Haven't decided if I'm going to go home first, and then go out, or if I'll lounge around downtown for a couple of hours beforehand. *sigh* I SO wish I had some friends here that I could call and we could kick it for awhile after work - but even the cool people I know are work people - and at home, that's a line that just isn't crossed. It fascinates me that everyone is so damn eager to go HOME at the end of the night. I have to admit, I CERTAINLY want to get the hell out of here once 5pm rolls around - but I also most CERTAINLY don't want to go home.

I was considering putting an ad in one of the free weeklys along the lines of - Solo Party Animal looking for a Herd - i figure optimistically that I can't be the only late-20something (EEE!!! Eeeee!!!)in Indy in this position. But of course, my lack of a car severely hinders me in getting around in ANY shape or form, as this is most certainly NOT a bus city. I waitied for damn near an hour last night for a bus (and it's really starting to get nipply) and finally gave up and caught a cab home. 50 bucks a week. for a fucking cab. *sigh*

circles
swooping through my head
the same thougts
of anger
love and dread
i must break free
without breaking him
or me.

punk

he asked me last night if I was happy. I said I wasn't sure - i wasn't certain enough to say yes, and I wasn't unhappy enough to say no.

l says I should tell him. tell him about what? the fact that I'm not sure I love him anymore? the fact that i wonder if I should have ever gotte married? that's not the kind of things that you tell someone you want to live with - or that you might think you might want to live with - or love. those words seem like a definite ending to me - but i have to tell him something.

earlier today, i was thinking that maybe i cold explain it as an attitude adjustemnt - but heaven knows he's complained enough before about my changing opinions on stuff. no, I'm not the most stable person - but at least i've never claimed to be stuck on the straight & narrow either. so - what sort of attitude adjustment? I *thinks* I don't know. i know that i feel different - I feel - more. i feel more like me than i've felt in a very long time. and maybe i'm a little scared too. i'm scared of the rut that has become my life - and for a glorious few weeks i remembered that this doesn't have to BE my life - and now i'm not quite sure what i want my life to be at all.

OA asked me "Are you just realizing that he is this way? Or are you realizing that you aren't that way?" and - i'm not sure. I think i've always known he was this way - but there was enough love buoying me up that i could ignore it. And i think that i've never been that way - and i was buoyed up enough by love to believe that i would be willing to change. and now? it's just like - whatever man.

but then - i do love him. i just don't think i love him like a husband deserves to be loved. i love him like a friend - a very close friend - a very sexy friend - a very wonderful, kind, lovingingly lovely friend - but - *shrug* that's about it. And maybe that's all the love i've got to give to him - but i know i've got depths of passion in me that are just - cold - around him - and i don't know if it's him or if it's me - or more likely, it's just us.

or it's just me, as i've never had to sustain passion for quite so long. sheesh - it can get tiring - but i can't really live fully without it either. or maybe it's jsut me trying to be not me and all that energy has to come from somewhere, right?

i think that maybe living separate lives would be good for us - it would make when we are together more valuable. but - i wonder if those separate lives would ever really be just one? or - should that even be a requirement?

I can't imagine being like my mother - falling in love so hard with a man that she marries him, falling out of love so hard that she divorces him - and then turns around and does the same thing TWO MORE TIMES with the SAME man. *shudder* No thank you - give me the clean break that lasts or the solid love that endures - that yo-yo shit would drive me crazier than I already am.

so i've got about a week to think in peace as he's working the rest of the week.

i ask myself - do you want to spend the rest of your life with him - and the answer I get is a shrug. a SHRUG. it doesn't matter either way. there is just something WRONG with that.

i suddenly quite clearly understand europeans who stay together for years and never get married - children and all.

maybe i'll get another tattoo.

---

i mentioned the porn thing today on our drive to work.

"Do me a favor - please? Never look at porn on my work computer - it's stupid, and could get me in a shitload of trouble".

he then proceeds to tell me that he didn't do it purposely. *raised eyebrow* Now that - that pissed me off.

"Don't bullshit me - you spent an hour and a half looking at porn."

silence.

"I won't do it again."

hm.

that worried me. he then said that he didn't do it to get me in trouble ON purpose - but that doesn't even make sense. Of course he wasn't trying to get me in trouble. I think he was trying to imply that it was an accidental 'porn-by'. and that worries me. he knows i don't care about porn. so why even try to conceal the fact? hm. am i going to ask him? maybe. or it might just be a few more inches of rope.

expectations

I actually stayed mostly offline this weekend - off the computer as well. I finally took the time and put together the bed upstairs, as I was making myself even sicker sleeping on the futons on the floor - and from there I was a little whirlwind in the upstairs of the house. Finally unpacked the office, cleaned all the random un-needed crap out of the bathroom, cleaned the bathroom, scrubbed all the floors - I was a real domestic diva whiz-kid. Then, I cooked dinner, showered, and went out.
I actually had a rather good time. The first place I went to (White House), people were way more interested in posing and looking good then they were in dancing - but I stayed there until almost one chitchatting with folx. Finally gave up, and went to another spot around the corner (Lily Pad). Much more entertaining, which a more more dancy group of people - but MY! was I overdressed. Heh. I liked Lily Pad better though, and being slightly overdressed means I stand out in an interestingly quirky way - and it got me a WONDERFUL dance - damn could that boy move.
Had a very good time actually - still managed to make it home before C ( I got in around 3:45 - he got home around 4:15) - and no, he still didn't come to bed. I had been kinda ticked off at him all day anyhow, as he took the car to work and didn't even ASK me if I might have wanted the use of the car on a Saturday - *snort*.
Ya know - it kinda makes me sad, cuz I don't think he cares either. Or - maybe he does care, and he's just so damn tired of trying to force me to show that I care in his ways that he figures acting like he doesn't care is a better option. Or maybe he doesn't care, and just enjoys living rentfree. Ohh... that last one was mean - not untrue, but still mean. *sigh*
I should have talked to him yesterday - I acknowledge that fact. He had the whole day off, and - it was I suppose as good a time of any to sit him down and ask what the fuck is going on. I think I know what his answer is going to be though - he's exhausted. That's been his answer for everything for the last month and a half, I don't see it changing anytime soon. *sigh* I need to stop making assumptions - to stop faking it even in the least. I'm still debating on how much I should call him out - I know that he is going to hear a nice little piece of my mind for being stupid enough to look at porn on my WORK computer - and I'm going to totally disregard the fact that he did it less than an hour after we had sex. *shrugs* sadly enough, I rather expect that - I can handle that sort of - dissatisfaction, I suppose you could say, but you will NOT threaten my livelihood. I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.
Ah. I don't know what the hell I'm saying.
I know that I'm tired though - and I don't know how long these rants/blabjobs are going to continue, or where they will end, or how far they will extend. But I'm tired. I'm tired of lying to everyone, including myself, about how I feel and how I react and what's really going on in my head. It's finally got downright sickening - and I am too fucking old (and I'll never live long enough) to fake it. Every second of life that I live should be as real, and as pure, and as perfectly me as I can make it. And ya know - for a good minute I thought that something that I could get from others for faking it was worth it - the respect, the impression, the idea - I thought that the closer the idea of who I was in those peoples heads matched who I thought they wanted me to be - the better off I'd be - the stronger relationship we would have - the more pleased they would be with me.
But you know what? It didn't do anything but hurt. I don't know anyone now who actually KNOWS me - cuz I've been lying to everyone and to myself for so long, that to rip free the lie would lose anything I might have left. I'm bold enough to rip it off for ya'll - but not IRL - not just yet. And it's not like I'm some hideous monster. I'm not perfect - and I'm sure as hell no angel - but dammit - I'm good. I'm intelligent, lovely, sexy, fun, witty, funny, blunt, sarcastic, compassionate, listening, rocking, bitch/lover/child/woman. And somehow, I'm thining more people will dig me for the woman that I really am than would ever dig me for trying to be the woman they wanted me to be.
And maybe - maybe a lot of that is the root of my troubles with C. I'm not - simply not - going to fake it anymore. Maybe it'll make our relationship stronger as I peel away the facade I didn't even relize I had built and he gets a good look at the real me. Maybe it'll be the straw (boulder) that breaks the camels back if he decides that the woman under the facade is even less of the wife he wants me to be. Maybe he won't care, won't notice, and we'll keep traveling through this odd ass limbo until I grow the huevos to say no more.
*sigh*
I'm not sure - what's right/normal/expected here - and I think that I am so damn laid back that my normal response is - wayyy underrated for what going on. Like the aforementiond porn thing. He gets out of bed, to go downstairs and work on some recipes. I log on to my computer this morning, and have a raging spyware infection. Spyware usually comes from two things - downloaded music and porn. I check the cookies - and yeah, he was looking at recipes for about an hour, then at porn for about an hour and a half - which he wrapped up with a visit to his favorite adult site - adultfriendfinders. What's my reaction going to be? I'm going to tell him to NEVER look at porn on my work computer again unless he WANTS me to get fired, and leave it at that. I'm not going to comment on the timing, nor am I going to mention the fact that I know exactly which sites he went to. Is that underreacting? Am I setting him up? Am I setting myself up? Should I be worried? Should I care?
Should I have to ask that he chip in with the bills now that he has this nice cushy job? Or should he volunteer to start splitting stuff? Since he wrecked his car and is now taking 99% of my car's time - would it be okay for me to ask him to start paying for the insurance? Or once again - is this something that he should volunteer to do? I feel - naggish - asking him, and feel like a damn doormat for not asking him - mainly because I don't know if it's - okay - to ask. What sort of things are part of the give & take of marriage and being partners - and when do you draw the line and say - I'm not a partner now, I'm a sugarmamma? Of course - he did pay for getting my clutch replaced - but at the same time - it did burn out while he was driving my car - and considering that his commute is close to an hour and mine is more like 5 minutes - him driving it did acclerate the destruction - but does that make up for not helping with the standard household bills for close to 9 months, or is that just something that's expected? Ar there any kind of rules here? Or do we just have to make them up as we go along?
*sigh* I'm so bloody fucking tired of it all. And yeah, I really would like to run away on a work sanctioned vacation. Complete and utter abdication of responsibility there, but dammit - it would feel better than this.
quick memory that I want to note: last night, either right before or right after we had sex (I think it was right after, but before the sudden urge to do some work) he was talking about how wonderful his life was - great job, great wife, great prospects - and he said (jokingly, true) 'Wanna have kids?'
I shuddered - the sudden flush of abject HORROR at the thought of binding myself to him for life (as becoming co-parents does) stunned me. I mean, yeah - I know how I feel about having kids - but instead of the usual 'I can't afford to have kids' that flashes in my head at the thought, I got a new one - 'I don't WANT to have kids with you'.
It's strange - how I think I want to keep this, and I have absolutely no clue why.
I went back and looked at the wedding pictures - and it breaks my heart, because I think I may have been faking it.
We had a huge arguement the night before the wedding - when I told him that I've been telling him for the last year that if he couldn't accept me as who I was at the moment - with the awareness that I might change - then there was no use of us getting married - and even then, I had a sense of - futility, maybe? A feeling that I would never e good enough, sexy enough, out-goinging enough, eager enough to satisfy him - and it would only be the love that would blur his - our - vision enough to keep us together. Once that fades, my word - what disilluisonment would set in.
I try to remember why I married him. And all the reasons I can think of - aren't mine - or are so damn trite and petty that I wonder what kind of weed I was smoking to think that they could carry us through 40 years together - fuck, 4 years together.
I mean - what keeps a marriage strong if you doubt the love? Can you recreate it? And what if you're not sure that you want to? What do you do then? What do you do when you are married to a man that you aren't sure you love, that you aren't sure loves you, and you're not sure if you want to love him anymore anyway? I suppose you could try to recreate the love, but if you really are done - isn't that going to make the final breakup even harder - considering that you've been faking it trying to make it? What if you do build up the love, and find out that yeah - I really do love you, but I absolutely cannot stand your ass? Then what? you break two hearts? Or - just maybe you bring back the love, and it's golden and beautiful and it lasts for the rest of your natural born life and you wonder exactly what sort of crack you were on back then in the early days.
And ya know - that's what I want, but I don't know if that will make me happy. Because I really don't want to give up - I'm not a quitter. But I just plain don't care enough to really feel like exerting any effort to hold on - and beyond the love, I don't know how to start giving a shit again.

Carefree

So - I like it. I do. I like it hard, public, nasty and dirty. I like it with a touch of passion, a shitload of spice, some exhibitionism, and a lotta forbiddeness. I like it with Arab men, black men - very odd or very fine white men. I prefer it when I'm drunk, and have really no desire for it when I'm sober....and I don't really have a problem with that.
I dream about it the way I like it. The heat - the passion - the fire. I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna do it. I had a dream like that last night - some guy I met on a beach while I was vacationing with Chris & his family. We snuck off and started rubbing and kissing and touching against the side of a little beachhouse - and when I got so wet that I thought my head was going to blow off, I stopped because I decided that I wanted to be in bed, so we snuck into a back bedrooom. Thinking back over it, I don't think we ever actually had sex - it was just the buildup to it that was so damn satisfying.
Once again - transience. If I'm only fucking you once - it doesn't really matter how well you do it, or if I wanna do it with you again - it's done. It's over - and I don't have to worry about trying to make it perfect or right or endlessly talking about what makes it better or different or what I like or what I don't or ANYTHING. It's just done.
And if I decide the next morning that I really never want to set eyes on you again - well, hell - I can do that too.
But what - just what if I think that I do want to see you again and instead I get cast aside like I say I can cast aside all of those others? That would suck - and that's something I never have to worry about being married - he can't just drop me because he doesn't want to see me again. We're stuck together, for good or for bad - for life. Well - he could drop me, and I could drop him - but, ya know - it's different now.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't married and sometimes I wish I was and until I can be all of one way or another I'm going to be confused at least half of the time.
And god knows, I'm so fucking sick of TALKING about shit - especially when I know that he's staying silent and withdrawn just to force me to talk. I'm not big on relationship style conversations - I'd much rather bring up a problem, work to a conclusion, and be done with it rather than having to rehash it over and over, and fucking over again. I have to build up the energy to talk. I have to gather myself together and build up the actual desire to sit down and listen to him babble on in his pseudo-intellectually superior matter about stuff I wouldn't even CARE about if it didn't matter to him - and actually force a bit of interest out of myself over it.
Maybe I don't like talking because I feel like I'm lying. The latest issue that we 'need' to talk about - that I know I'll have to bring up (mainly because I'm curious - I could really care less) is the fact that I've been home for *thinks* 5 days and we've yet to sleep in the same bed. *shrugs* Not that I really care, as I almost appreciate the fact that I haven't had to have sex with him yet, but at the same time it's odd. And even more odd is that fact that I really do care about his withdrawal - more in the way that I would care about a friend who suddenly stops hugging me when we greet each other than I would be expected to feel about a husband who normally doesn't come home until 2am and tells me he is surrounded by gorgeous women who hit on him all day and don't believe that he's married.
I wouldn't be hurt if he was cheating on me - I would be more relieved if anything. An easy out - a way to escape.
And see - I feel like a horrid horrid woman - a cold, unloving, unworthy of being married woman even thinking such things (much less having the ovaries to write them out) to say it - but it's true. And it's been that way since before we got married.
I downloaded the rest of my diary - everything before the great disappearance that is - and I think I'll take the computer home this weekend and read over it and see if I can remember what convinced me to marry him. And maybe I can remember some of the overwhelming love I apparently felt at one time - and maybe I can bring it back to life.
Maybe it's just that I was gone for so long - and everytime I called to talk to him, all he wanted to talk about was the Spot. And - I'm amazingly proud and supportive and shit of him, but really *shrugs* I don't care. And maybe that's the problem, at the very root of it all. I'm disconnected (you notice how I am focusing totally on me? because this is my shit, my issue, my problem and he just happens to be the poor soul who married me first) and I don't know if I really want to connect.
I've never had many friends for this very reason - it's HARD for me to care enough about someone to be truly interested in them. I'm a very only-child kinda person - on the fringe, very self-centered - yet generous as hell - just don't expect it to last forever. I make a fabulous friend, a wonderful host, and a craptastic wife.
And I don't know if I care enough to want to try to change.

continuation.

I've been married for 6 months, 2 weeks.
No, he has no clue - and it's not really a crisis. It's more confusion.
I try to bring back those feelings that I had right before we got married (ignoring the huge fight we had the night before, and the night of) and - it's just blank. It's empty - like there was never anything really there.
I tend not to trust myself - especially my feelings - because they change so damn much. And when it comes to my feelings about others - the feelings that I have that impact others lives - I'm even more - dainty with expressesing them - because once they come out, it's utterly impossible to take them back.
I feel broken sometimes - like i will never - can never - have a solid, intense relationship. That I back away - mentally or emotionally - when it just becomes all too much - when it starts asking more of me than I am comfortable giving.
I've been seriously reconsidering my desire to have kids because of this - a husband, I can leave (not easily - but I can leave) if I truly can't handle it anymore. Children - no matter how old - are for life - and it would kill me to leave them because otherwise it was killing me.
What the hell is going on in my head?

not sure....

I've found that doing what I want - even more so - just being me - makes me happy.
That not worrying - not even caring about what someone else thinks about me or what I'm doing - besides me - makes me glow - literally.
And - I like that.
I've been - mulling, I suppose is the best word - over whether I should have gotten married. Don't get me wrong - I do still love C, and I don't think I'd like to live the rest of my life without him - but at the same time - I don't like the feeling of being possesed.
I want a man to treat me like I'm not his.
I want to be able to treat a man like he's not mine - it makes it more precious - more valuable - more - transient, I suppose.
I want to move out of the States so damn badly that it hurts. I'm happy, I suppose, to be 'home' but - *sigh* there are so many little things that drive me crazy about here - not even the politcal climate just the social climate - and make me miss Geneva so badly that I almost want to beg to be sent back - crappy weather and all.
I might still have a chance to move to Italy in the next 4-6 months. Maybe. I can't get anyone to give me a straightforward yes or no, which of course keeps my hopes up. I'm willing to sweat, suffer, cry, stress, hate, and work 13 hour days to get the chance to go - and I'm willing to do that despite the fact that I know it might not make a difference.
C just opened a restaurant about a month ago. It's going really well. So well, in fact that he's talking about staying for at least a year.
If I move out of the country, and I have a way to make it, I might never come back.
And I don't know if I really want him to come with me.

Keeping company.....

I'm violently jealous of one of my friends, yet I wouldn't trade places with him for a couple million - at least. He's an artist, a man of peace, a writer, a playwright - and he has glorious, spacious, uninteruppted periods of time to focus on himself and his art - largely because his girlfriends takes care of the 'worldly' matters, if ya know what I mean....

 

Now - being a kept woman isn't something that I would mind - so that's not why I wouldn't trade places with him - but when you are 'kept' by someone who seems to either loathe you or love you, and you feel the same -  but a little heavier on the loathing side - and can't escape due to a lack of cash - shiiitt. No thank you. I reallly, really don't think so.

 

Talking to him at work and he broke off to go and do some walking meditation - WALKING bloody meditation - such luxury there is in time to one's self - which started me thinking about women in the last century, and how the greatest blessing for a woman of mind and intelligence was to be barren, because otherwise all of her time would be taken up with bearing and taking care of children.

 

And I promptly shied away from even mentally placing myself in that position - but I'm not sure which one I was more afraid of - breeding so much that I have nothing left for me - or being barren and never really feeling like I reached a personal marker of having lived.

 

I feel - nebulous somehow. I feel like I'm coming to a turning point - I FEEL like something is about to come to pass and it's going to rock my world. And no, I'm not pregnant - but it just feels like that - like SOMETHING hanging over me, creeping in closer and closer. It's not necessarily a bad thing either - just a thing - a large interesting changing thing - and I can't wait for it to get here.

 

At least if I'm shaken I won't settle.

 

Tugging on Hair

Argh. Okay. Something told me that I should have found a local jeweler that I could rely on rather than sending it back to the jeweler I purchased it from - but ah well. Jeweler email's me today, tells me that the setting is for an emerald, and while they COULD get the princess in there, of course it wouldn't look nearly as good as I want it to.

 

So - I'm trying to talk to the store I brought the setting from - and he is telling me that I should have included the measurements of my stone if I wanted to be sure that the setting would fit. Now tell me - if you advertise a ring that will fit a PRINCESS cut stone between 1 to 2 carats - why would I need to send in my measurements if that's TRULY what will fit? I was starting to get irate, so I got off the phone with him, but I am going to call him back. I a) want him to expressmail the RIGHT setting to my jeweler and b) reimburse me for the cost of shipping the setting back to him, as it is their fault that I got the wrong ring. *sigh* 

 

I wouldn't be so touchy about this - but I'm leaving the country soon, and dammit I WANT my ring before I go. I've already lost a week in getting a misrepresented setting and sending it along with my ring to my jeweler - I don't think I can afford to lose another week waiting for them to get their stuff together. Gah! If my jeweler tells me that he won't be able to get it done in time.... *sigh* what a waste of money.

---

 

 

Speaking of waste of money - *sigh* Remember how I was talking about C. telling me that on Sundsy we would go out and have dinner since I didn't feel like doing it on Tuesday when he originally asked? Well - we went out last night, had a lovely meal, and because he somehow 'forgot' that he had offered to take me out for dinner, I ended up paying for it. I don't really think I can express precisely how tweaked I was over that. *sigh* That was 90 bucks I SOOOO couldn't afford to spend - and I'm not sure if I'm more upset at him for assuming I was paying (after he said that he would) or more upset at myself for not picking up on the signals he was giving off that indicated that he expected ME to pay. *sigh* Or - maybe I'm mostly upset over the fact that he offered to take me out - an then in a matter of days totally forgot about it! yeah - I think that is what irls me the most - I was so excited about my baby taking me out to dinner - and here I ened up taking myself out to someplace that wouldn't have been my first choice to spend 90 dollars at - and as it was snowing, I even DROVE. *sigh*

 

So. It's going to be a tight next two weeks - when he gives me the money for the bills, I'm going to have to take part of it and go grocery shopping, then apply all of the rest to bills. Gah!

 

Oh well. Spilt milk & the like. I'm actually considering just sending the setting back, getting my money back for it, and trying again later. At least that way, I'll still be able to save a little this month. *sigh*  I'll still have wasted the money that I spent to ship my ring there and to pay for it to be shipped back - but I'll still get at least 80 bucks back from the whole deal.

Kissin you.....

There are several people that I would like to kiss if the world was - different. If I could kiss people - a proper kiss mind you, tongue and all - without worry about future sexual implications or genderfucking with peoples minds - ah... I have a long list of people I would like to kiss. I would kiss them simply to see them better - see what they taste like, see how they move, see how they touch, see what they feel like in the closest and most intimate of ways.

I'd like to kiss Phil - run my fingers through his hair and see if he feels as lean as he looks. I'd like to see if he kisses the same way he acts - hard with a gooey middle - or if when he kisses the sweet boy I think is underneath all that bullshit comes out.

I'd like to kiss Mona - see if she tastes very different from other girls - see if she kisses with a refined delicacy or if she kisses with abandon.

I'd like to kiss Luis - see if he's as tender as he looks - or as passionate as he claims to be. I think he would be the most dangerous kiss of them all - a kiss that would curl my toes - despite him simply not looking like the toes curling type.

I'd like to kiss leon too - see if kissing a boy who normally only kisses boys is very different from boys who kiss girls. Do boys kiss differently, or is it the same dainty back and forth dance of tongues and lips and teeth that always ends with someone yielding and someone taking power?

I'd definitely like to kiss mjames - I think he's the kiss that would make me cry - simply because of the long twining string of half-love and intense friendship that has bound us together for the past 10 years. I'd like to see if he tastes the same way he smells - sweet and spicy, like a hot sauce coated piece of caramel popcorn.

I'd like to kiss Claudette - even with her thin lips she looks like she knows how to use them to the very best advantage - touching and kissing and sucking to no end. But then - she's so active that she might be one of those aggressive angry kissers.

Who would you like to kiss? And why?

chitchattering

Yeah... so I think we might be okay. Really. We had a really good, really long talk today - and I really think we might be okay. I was going to write 'I can't describe how happy that makes me - but dammit I'm a writer the least I should be able to do is to describe my OWN emotions - yes?? So - how happy does that make me? *sigh* He's the love of my life - so much so that I couldn't bear the thought of having him stuck with a chick that couldn't/can't be what he needs. And yeah, I know nobody's perfect, but the least I can do is TRY, yes? So - anyhow - I'll try, and he'll try, and even if our trying doesn't quite reach perfection, at least we are trying to get there. So - I'm happy because I don't have to break my heart in order to not break his. Yeah. I'm happy like a cookie monster who just inherted a cookie company - the Keebler elves cookie company mind you. forever supplied by inventory from god. Yeah. That's me.

Lately...

Well - I've been here for  3 days now, and I've felt rather ueseless the enitere time. They've shifted the time line for our project, and thus I'm feeling rather at loose ends. What I was suposed to be doing, doesn't need to be done for another 6 months, which is good since we were really o na shaky basis to get it done. Of course, that also means that I will now be here for another week & a half, with nothing solid to do. Hell - I could stay in Indy and do nothing. But, being here is better.

 

Especially since I'm not around Corey. I wonder if he'sstared readint thst book yet. Sometimes, I really to want to get married - and other times, I feel like it would be a major mistake for US at this point in time - and at any point in time in the future. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm in a trough of despair - I don't see anything positive in us being together besides the fact that we are really good friends, on our good days. *sigh* 

 

Hormones really are a bitch. As I was reading 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' one of the main hormonal components she included in things that would cause problems was low testosterone. T is one of the msin hormones that give you the high level of horniness, and since I'm a girl, I'm already (comparitively) at a disadvantage. Then, I could have an even lower thna normal level of T, which means I would be even less horny than other girls. In the beginning stages of a relationship, the pure fact of the 'newness' causes your body to release DHEA, which rather acts like T. Therefore - when we first got together, I was all randy & stuff, and now that I'm not like that anymore- he's claiming a switch and bait. When I read this - the first thing I thought (after - "Oh my GOD!! That's me! That's US!" which I did through most of the book) was that she described the phenomenom of lesbian bed-death to a T. I'm itching to ask him if he's started reading the book yet, but at the same time somehow, I don't care if he does or not. I'm being a real bitch about this, and I wann be nice, but I'm sooo - blasse about the whole fucking thing. This is bad. *sigh* I've always realized that it was a bad sign that I wasn't really all that upset when we HAD to postpone the wedding due to his money issues.  Lately, I've really been wondering if 1) it was a subconsiously purposeful thing and 2) if he feels the same way. I don't want to ask him, because if we both feel the same way - ugh. I truly DON'T want to break up with him - but I don't really want to marry him either.

 

I suppose the return thingy is starting to make some sense now - I think. For breaks, I have to use this: but for actual returns to create a new paragraph, I hit enter. So - I guess I'm satisfied. I'm still missing my note history button, but the DM has some time to work on that.

 

Blah. I'm worthless when it comes to writing lately.  I've been writing buts and pieces in the paper journal (the feeling of pen on paper is rather soothing) but it's all been CRAP and PAP.  It's to the point where I'm sick of writing - but I really do still want to. I've released my 'desire' to be a writer - I'm not sure if I ever really WANTED to be a writer somedays, or if I was fooled into thinking I did becuase I knew that I wanted to do something creative, and writing was the one thing I was actually semi-good at.