Lately...

Well - I've been here for  3 days now, and I've felt rather ueseless the enitere time. They've shifted the time line for our project, and thus I'm feeling rather at loose ends. What I was suposed to be doing, doesn't need to be done for another 6 months, which is good since we were really o na shaky basis to get it done. Of course, that also means that I will now be here for another week & a half, with nothing solid to do. Hell - I could stay in Indy and do nothing. But, being here is better.

 

Especially since I'm not around Corey. I wonder if he'sstared readint thst book yet. Sometimes, I really to want to get married - and other times, I feel like it would be a major mistake for US at this point in time - and at any point in time in the future. Lately though, I've been feeling like I'm in a trough of despair - I don't see anything positive in us being together besides the fact that we are really good friends, on our good days. *sigh* 

 

Hormones really are a bitch. As I was reading 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' one of the main hormonal components she included in things that would cause problems was low testosterone. T is one of the msin hormones that give you the high level of horniness, and since I'm a girl, I'm already (comparitively) at a disadvantage. Then, I could have an even lower thna normal level of T, which means I would be even less horny than other girls. In the beginning stages of a relationship, the pure fact of the 'newness' causes your body to release DHEA, which rather acts like T. Therefore - when we first got together, I was all randy & stuff, and now that I'm not like that anymore- he's claiming a switch and bait. When I read this - the first thing I thought (after - "Oh my GOD!! That's me! That's US!" which I did through most of the book) was that she described the phenomenom of lesbian bed-death to a T. I'm itching to ask him if he's started reading the book yet, but at the same time somehow, I don't care if he does or not. I'm being a real bitch about this, and I wann be nice, but I'm sooo - blasse about the whole fucking thing. This is bad. *sigh* I've always realized that it was a bad sign that I wasn't really all that upset when we HAD to postpone the wedding due to his money issues.  Lately, I've really been wondering if 1) it was a subconsiously purposeful thing and 2) if he feels the same way. I don't want to ask him, because if we both feel the same way - ugh. I truly DON'T want to break up with him - but I don't really want to marry him either.

 

I suppose the return thingy is starting to make some sense now - I think. For breaks, I have to use this: but for actual returns to create a new paragraph, I hit enter. So - I guess I'm satisfied. I'm still missing my note history button, but the DM has some time to work on that.

 

Blah. I'm worthless when it comes to writing lately.  I've been writing buts and pieces in the paper journal (the feeling of pen on paper is rather soothing) but it's all been CRAP and PAP.  It's to the point where I'm sick of writing - but I really do still want to. I've released my 'desire' to be a writer - I'm not sure if I ever really WANTED to be a writer somedays, or if I was fooled into thinking I did becuase I knew that I wanted to do something creative, and writing was the one thing I was actually semi-good at.