I've had a bad week. Me & C. have been fighting like cats & dogs - last night we had the worst fight we've ever had - and I'm just at a point of utter frustration. It seems like whenever I work to get one part of my life in order, the other parts just fall to pieces. And of course, me being the completely integrated woman that I am - when part of mama's life ain't right, then mama's life ain't right.
I'm sooo fucking tired of being tense. Torin left me a note on my other entry about how neck tension could cause dizziness and the like. That makes perfect sense - I've been tense for ages. At this point, I can't WAIT to go to Geneva. I shan't have any money worries this time, since I wisely decided to get a cash advance from work this time. I'll be away from the dead slowness of the office, I'll be away from the stress and chaos of our relationship, and heaven help me - I'll be in a city that I love.
Ugh. It's just been a loonngg painful tiring week - if I was the emotional type I'd have been in tears for most of the week.
Yeah... it's definitely been one of those times.
So - what's up with my relationship? Good heavens - I don't even know how to put it into words. We've clashed - a lot lately - mainly because I don't fit his concept of the mate he wants. *sighs* I don't know what to do - I don't know if there is anything that I can do - but dammit I'm TIRED of living/working/loving this way. And yet, through it all it's a matter of love. I screamed at him last night that I'm willing to work through whatever needs to be worked through, but because I love him I'm not going to give up and just walk away. But today, looking at it from a point of calmness - that scares me. I don't WANT to come to a point where my love for him overrides my love for me - and lately the lines have been so blurred I'm not sure what is what or which is which.
And then - to add to that - I'm all tied up in knots over my body. Most days - I'm okay with waht I look like, how much I weigh, the general state of my body. But then - there are somes times where I wish I had enough money to go under the knife and slice and dice away everything that irks me. Not that it would make my life better, but at least when I get out the shower I wouldn't avoid my own reflection. And then I wonder if how I feel about me is a big part of the ugly spiral me & C. have fallen into - if I don't like me much - I'm certainly not going to work at him liking me or even me liking us.
This is definitely one of those times - and more and more lately I'm feeling this way - when I want to find a really good therapist, lay out on a couch and just spill my guts. I can't do that with anyone I know - cuz really, there is some wild shit going on in my head that most of the time I don't even want to acknowledge, much less let someone else in on the deal. But, I don't have the money to spend on settling my brain. Besides the fact that it feels sooooo damn indulgent to do so. I mean, it's not like there is anything really WRONG with me - I just need some totally neutral third party to talk to. *sigh* Gah. I'm just tired...and lonely.
So, what do I do? I come to OD and whinge on about my life. It's really not helping, but maybe if I do it often enough, I'll at least start to feel better. It's the closest thing I'm gonna get to therapy for a while. Bleh.
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