AlterEgo

I'm in one of those "I don't love me" moods. One of the moods that makes me want to go out and do wild, stupid, dangerous things that are nothing but bad for my health. I wanna go out and get throughly smashed and kiss the first three men who even LOOK at me sideways. I wanna buy an entire PACK of cigarettes and smoke them before the day is out. I want to buy a six pack of cookies, 3 pints of ice cream, and a half gallon of milk and gorge myself (in-between puffs) until I feel even more like the fat slug I think I am.
I need to figure out the root of these moods. They usualy come over me when I'm doing REALLY good to - I've been exercising, and eating right, and working on my finances, and generally honoring my body and my mind overall and seeing the joy in the world. I even LOOK good today - my hair is freshly done, I'm wearing a shirt that was too tight two months ago but now skims me like a dream, and my favorite slinky black skirt (that is in imminent danger of falling off of me) and a brand new pair of shoes I forgot I even had. I've set up a consultation for plastic surgery on the only area of my body that I KNOW I can't 'fix' with diet and exercise. I smell good - work is amazingly slow - but still GOOD. Yet there is this little anchor in me that WANTS me to pull it all down and fall apart. Something in me WANTS to go out and spend money I don't have on things I don't need. Something in me WANTS to go out and gorge myself on food that I now will do nothing but pack an instant 6 pounds of water on me that will take another month and a half to come back off.  I'm trying to sabatoge myself, and I don't know why. I don't  FEEL any fear - I'm looking forward to being the woman I really think I am all the way through - looks, money, mind.  I don't even think I'm hiding any 'issues' deep in my head - I've never even been NEAR the point that I'm approaching - and I've dreamt/looked forward to this point my ENTIRE life. I've been doing so very, very, very good lately...and suddenly I just don't WANT to do good anymore.
An the part that freaks me out the most is I just don't know WHY. Maybe it's some subtle form of depression where I try to claw my way back to the bottom of the pit I'm trying to pull myself out of. Maybe it's some sort of hormonal imbalance. Maybe it IS fear - raw pure gibbering terror at the thought of finally being who I think I want to be - what if she isn't all that anyway? Whatever it is - I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I'm turning against myself and have to exert my will against ME and force myself to do what I WANT to do anyhow. It's freaky feeling - I want this double-crossing, sabatoging, happy being broke, fat and miserable bitch out of me NOW! And I don't want her to come back.