I Hate Sex

Have I taken steps to become the sexually free person you need?

In some ways yes, in some ways no.

Yes-

1) I'm truly not comfortable with forcing sex, but because I know that your sexual drive is so much higher than mine, there have been times when I've simply aquiciased - to keep peace. It's not a nice feeling, having sex with someone that you love and the refrain going through your head - I'd wish you'd just hurry up and come so I can go and get back to what I was doing.

2) I've been looking into and trying to track down various hormonal imbalances in women - trying to track down whether or not there could be something off in me that causes me to not be interested in sex. Thus far, I've found one - hypothyroidism. I display a good number of the symptoms, and I recently found a place that will test you for it without a doctor's prescription - as my doctor ran the test once and said I was fine. I'm not sure that I believe him, and I need to know one way or another - not just for us, but for me too.

3) I'm losing weight and exercising. One of the main reasons that I started this diet in the first place was for you. I didn't like my body much, but I could live in it - I definitely wasn't comfortable with you seeing it in full light or being sexually attracted to it however. I didn't FEEL sexy, and the last thing I wanted was someone feeling sexual towards me. So I started Atkins, hoping that would give me a rush of passion as a more beautiful me emerged from the pounds of fat that were cloaking me. Fifty pounds later that hasn't worked as well as I hoped, so I started exercsing. Studies have shown that exercise increases energy and the libido, and I figured it's worth a try. I've yet to feel any particular rush of lust from that either.

4) I'm looking into various types of aphrodisiacs that will bring up my libido. I figure that if I can get horny enough, whether I really want to have sex or not won't matter - I'll NEED to have sex.

5) We just had a conversation two days ago, and I thought that me being my unfettered, unconcerned about subtle invitations, physically affectionate self would be enough. I hoped that would be enough - at least for a while - at least for the spells in-between when I wanted sex. I KNOW I've been more affectionate, more loving in the past few days. Then last night - I don't know. It felt like all that I had said went in one ear and out the other, and once again all you really wanted from me was intercourse.

No-

1) I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me. I like me, I like who I am as a woman, as a sexual person, as a sensual person. I don't like being made to feel like there is something lacking in me because I can't satisfy you - I've never claimed to be perfect. Perhaps I am being selfish in that I don't sympathize with your deep-seated need for sex, but at the same time - I almost hate to say this - it IS my body.

2) I feel like I've been given an ultimatum, that unless I change who I am to who you want/need me to be, I'll lose you. I'm stuck between choosing you or choosing me, and I don't function at my best while being threatened. After the 10 years I spent dealing with that from my stepfather and watching him treat my mother that way, I tend to dig in and stick to my guns even harder in automatic response.

3) I worry about what this will mean as time goes on. What's going to happen when I'm in school, possibly raising children and keeping house, and trying to start a VERY demanding career as a midwife? What's going to happen when I have four 40-50 hour births back to back and drag home with nothing more on my mind than a hot tub and sleep - for weeks at a time? Will you then ask that I choose you or the one thing I can see myself spending the rest of my life being happy doing?

4) You say that I always have to have things my way in this relationship - but when I ask you what you have done that you felt uncomfortable doing - I can never get a straight answer. And I promise you - if there is ANYTHING that you are doing for me that you don't feel comfortable doing - I ask you to stop. I wouldn't want to be the cause of you doing anything that you don't feel comfortable and worthy doing.

The only two things that I have not met you halfway on has been sex and Church - both of which are very personal, very emotional things. Would you demand that I go to church if I was Jewish? If I was Muslim? So then, why do you demand now? Is my being Pagan not 'good' enough for you? Even the money thing - that is just as much for you as it is for me. You are the one who wants to own your own business. You are the one with the big dream of a resturant one day. All I need my credit to be in good shape for is to buy a house - and once I reduce my debt/income ratio I CAN do that without any problems. I can, and am more than willing, to buy a house under my name if we are married or not, so please don't say that I am forcing you into being more financially responsible. </P>