I'm violently jealous of one of my friends, yet I wouldn't trade places with him for a couple million - at least. He's an artist, a man of peace, a writer, a playwright - and he has glorious, spacious, uninteruppted periods of time to focus on himself and his art - largely because his girlfriends takes care of the 'worldly' matters, if ya know what I mean....
Now - being a kept woman isn't something that I would mind - so that's not why I wouldn't trade places with him - but when you are 'kept' by someone who seems to either loathe you or love you, and you feel the same - but a little heavier on the loathing side - and can't escape due to a lack of cash - shiiitt. No thank you. I reallly, really don't think so.
Talking to him at work and he broke off to go and do some walking meditation - WALKING bloody meditation - such luxury there is in time to one's self - which started me thinking about women in the last century, and how the greatest blessing for a woman of mind and intelligence was to be barren, because otherwise all of her time would be taken up with bearing and taking care of children.
And I promptly shied away from even mentally placing myself in that position - but I'm not sure which one I was more afraid of - breeding so much that I have nothing left for me - or being barren and never really feeling like I reached a personal marker of having lived.
I feel - nebulous somehow. I feel like I'm coming to a turning point - I FEEL like something is about to come to pass and it's going to rock my world. And no, I'm not pregnant - but it just feels like that - like SOMETHING hanging over me, creeping in closer and closer. It's not necessarily a bad thing either - just a thing - a large interesting changing thing - and I can't wait for it to get here.
At least if I'm shaken I won't settle.
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