Stuff & Nonsense

*brushes off dust forlornly*

Urm. Lately, I've been starting all my entries about how I have nothing to write, but I think the scarcity of my entries has been testament enough to that.

*shrugs*

There ain't much new going on. We are still working on the house  - C mowed the grass for the first time yesterday, and it looks FABULOUS - he did a really good job. Our new countertops are coming in on TUESDAY *happy dance*, and once they are in, the kitchen will be DONE - hopefully we will finish the painting around the same time.

My garden is doing WONDERFULLY - It's so cool seeing the little green things come popping out of the ground - and the strawberries are coming back! I saw my first flower when I got home Sunday.

I had fun over the weekend - out in the woods, playing with the pagan women - such wonderous fun! Two of the main women I wanted to see couldn't come (boohoo) and I need to stop being a crappy friend and pick up the phone and call them. I made a confession, over the weekend, to the local women who I don't get in/stay in touch with - it's not that I don't WANT to spend time - I jsut feel - intrusive - like I'm stepping into their life and taking up time that they might wish to use to do something else, but politeness bars them from that. Yes, I'm mildly terrified of 'proper' social interactions, because when it comes to that sort of thing - I'm - I'm vaguely uncertain of how to act. My friends are usually like family - and there are certain 'rules' with family - more comfort, more of a leeway - but with newish friends, who aren't quite family, but who you want to be more than mere accquaintences? I don't know how to purposely bridge that gap - and balance my natural intoversion/shyness. But - at least I put that admission out there, so that - it's - clearer. Hopefully.

Another very sweet thing from the weekend - I finally busted out my sewing machine, and sewed a robe (that I wore all of once, but it tis okay). I REALLY want an accessory kit - I need the other presserfoots, etc, etc. Hrm. I think a trip to eBay is in order.

Speaking of eBay - I'm doing new decorative things to myself! *laugh* I picked this up from one of the hair forums, but I'm going to stretch my ears. So far, I've gone from pierced to 12g in the first hole, and pierced to 14g in the second hole. I'm pretty sure I want to go to 6g in the front - because the jewelry you can get - oh me god! It's not CHEAP like the stuff I've been buying, but it's gorgeous and handmade and UNIQUE and it's not something you see much of round these here parts.....so I've been having eBay type fun getting cheap earring to get me to the right size, and then I'll be able to get pretty/expensive ones that I'll be keeping.

I played hooky from work yesterday - I 'worked from home' and it rocked! We really need to get me knocked up so I can have a firm deadline of getting the brightsunshinyhell out of this place.

And dammit, now I must go work, so any further trains of thought will be late getting to the station.

Thankful things....

Thanksgiving started out fabulously - the drive there was easy (though I got snarky over the last hour, as I always do on long trips)

The food was wonderful....

The fellowship was fabulous..... ETA: from left to right - leon, Nee, me, Tam, Corey - all friends - family was too shy for the camera - but we LOOK related, don't we?

And I cried a little - just a wee bit - when it was time to leave.

The trip back was good...... until it wasn't....around 5:30am on Sunday morning - in Bumfucksnitty, E. Tn we were looking for a place to pull off and have breakfast and switch drivers and in the blink of an eye.......ETA: We actually aren't sure HOW it happened - we're thinking that C dozed off for a second, causing us to drift off the road, and he overcorrected and we spun, and hit a tree - the tree caused all the damage....

But I'm fine, and Corey's mostly fine (he was driving, and just ended up with a few bruised ribs) - and we get to pay off some bills, and I get to buy a new car and.....well....

I'm just glad - so very glad - unspeakably, cryingly, praising all that is and shall be glad that WE are okay. Cars are metal and glass and rubber and steel - and as much as I liked it - it compares nothing to how much I love my hubby and myself.....

I've got more to be thankful for than I have to NOT be thankful for - screw a car, I would want to die without my husband.

Kiss the ones you love today - a split second could mean its the last chance you have.

Well.....random burblings after too much wine....

Because see, what it really all boils down to - at least at the start - is what you can get from the other person. That really determines a persons 'friend' worthiness at the start - unless some sort of magic happens.
What am I worth to others? Really not much. I'm occasionally funny, intermittently witty, and sometimes useful - but otherwise - eh, not so much. It takes years for me to become really - vital to someone.
I'm a slow friend - like a slow wine, delightful once I age - but it just takes SO damn long. I often wish I could make myself move faster - but.... that's not me.
I'm still trying to process our housewarming. It was fun - it was.
The turnout was sad (no other word for it) and the people who didn't show up shocked me more than the ones who did. littleone (who I haven't talked about in YEARS) came - and it was wonderful. We sat & reminisced, and I cant' wait to see him again tomorrow. I miss having those sorts of friends - the ones who will fly 1000 miles just to show up at a party of yours. *sigh*
Money helps, as always, but I haven't made those sort of friends since high school. I have to continue to mantra to myself - it's not you, it's them.
But then - it's rather along the lines of dating - if all of your life, you've dated fuckups, then it's NOT them, it's YOU, because YOU are the one constant within all of those relationships.
So, if all of my life, I've never had real friends/real friendships - ones that I can talk to, ones that I can tell my heart to, ones that will come over my house for free food and liquor and fun - maybe.....just maybe, it's NOT them - and it IS me.
But - if it is me, I don't know why. I don't know, I have no clue, what I do - or don't do - to develop the connections that I want to. I've always dreamed of having a large gathering of friends - a house full of people who would talk and laugh and love and be - INTERESTING.
I've always DESIRED a network - a true tribe of people. People who would show up at the hospital when I broke my leg and sign my cast. People who would help me paint my walls. People who I could call and ask if I could borrow their truck to pick up an amazing deal from the thrift store - and they would want me to pick up a matching item for them.
Instead, I seem to have collected a gathering of people who..... Gah. I don't know.
I started my period today (thank god, because I was TERRIFED that I was pregnant (six months too soon) and my back HURTED!!) so maybe that's why I am taking it so - personally. But at the same time, I'm not. I'm - resigned. Relieved it's over. Sad that it wasn't what I wanted it to be. Pleased that it went as well as it did. Reluctant to EVER have another party again.
It's just.... meh. But sweet mother of GODs - I'm SOOOOOO glad that it's over. *evil grin* Now, I can start to focus on the Sacred Women's Healing Circle, and tear apart the kitchen. Mwwwaaahhhahahahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* It's one am, and I'm going to bed. G'night.

Return Of The Space Cowgirl

I'm not a morning person, not at all - but this weekend has taught me that I CAN be a morning person when I'm doing something that seriously interests me - so it's not that I'm not a morning person, it's just that my job isn't a good enough REASON for me to be a morning person. Yeah.

Okay - the training. *grins* *laughs* It was - wonderful. Amazing. I've learned so MUCH stuff - new cool things that I would have never learned before. I don't think I've EVER been quite so comfortable in a group of all women that I've just met before. I'm - all kinds of geared up - and there is a long weekend coming up!! (How the bright hell I forgot about Labor Day, I'm not sure - I think I just didn't realize it was coming up quite so fast!) So - the training? 3 days, from 8:30 to 4:30 with an hour for lunch. A healthy bit of questions and answer lecturing, a nice couple of doses of humblepie for me (I really DON'T know that much when compared to other who are interested in this as well - and MAN my childless state means that I miss out on some of the 'normal' stuff). The first day was mostly lecturing/question and answer - the second day we learned pain relief techniques, and the third day we did scenarios and covered post-partum care.
There were 9 of us - ages from 23 to mid 50's. Three of us were childless, 4 of us had kids, and 2 of us were grandmoms. Two black women, seven white women. 8 from Tn, 1 from Ky.  It was - really, really, really, good.  Do I actually FEEL ready to be a doula? Umm... yeah?? Am I still nervous as hell?? Oh, DEFINITELY. Do I think I can pull it off - HELL YEAH!!! *grins* And I've decided that I'm DEFINITELY crazy, as I am looking FORWARD to experiencing labor. I KNOW it's going to hurt more than anything I've ever experienced - and that is also part of what I'm looking forward to. In my mind - labor is a challenge - a call for you to be able to take yourself to your limits, and far far far beyond, and end up with the most amazing thing that you could ever create. *rubs arms* I'm giving myself goosebumps over here.

I also met one of my online friends, and her husband and one of his friends. We met at a coffee shop, and sat and talked for - NINE hours. From 7:00pm until 3am, and the conversation FLOWED. We touched on all of the 'taboo' topics, and I swear, I can't remember the last time I had THAT much fun with a group of new sober people in - ever. I really didn't WANT to go back to the hotel, but since the training started at 8:00am the next morning, I still had a writeup to do, and I had to get up extra early to check out, I figured I should DEFINITELY go on home. I didn't get to bed until about 4:30am, but oddly enough, I really WASN'T tired. Once again, my night owl tendencies coming out....I ran until 9pm last night on three hours of sleep - and even once I got home, when my head hit the pillow, all kinds of business ideas and bright thoughts and other stuff started bubbling up. I had to get up, get a pen and some paper so that I could write most of this stuff down before I could even settle in enough to go to sleep.

And!!! When I got home, my beloved, sexy, wonderful tasteful husband had rearragned out furniture - so now we have a GORGEOUS house. Oh. My. God. It's - hot. I mean - this furniture FITS so damn well, its scary. I think that the only thing missing is a comfortable and stylish computer desk that doesn't LOOK like a computer desk. Something tells me finding that is going to be an adventure - I wonder if I could get someone to build what I want??
*grins* Of course, he had an ulterior motive for getting everything set up, as he was having a card game with the 'boys' last night, but it was still a wonderful thing to come home to.....

And of course today, my ass is DRAGGING. It's not the lack of sleep, it's the job. *deep breaths* I'm walking a path - it's not a path that can be run, or driven, it HAS to be walked. And I have no doubt that as I walk this path, I WILL reach my destination. I'm just - eager for the journey to reach that first waystation, thas all.

*plods off*

Ummmm...........

*blows dust of the pages*

Eh. It's been awhile. Haven't been able/interested in writing much - I've just been SO DAMN TIRED. *huge yawn*

Umm....what's going on? Let's see - I think I've met a girl. Well, no. I KNOW I've met a girl (I guess she'll have to be D) and she's cool, sweet, funny, sexy, and all that wonderful stuff. We've only gone out twice, and have had a riproaring time BOTH times....so that's right exciting. Supposed to be going out tonight with her and another girl (who's flaked out on me before, so no high hopes) - but ugh (the above mentioned exhaustion).

Um. Don't think I like the new birth control much. It's huge, and I was feel it while we are having sex, and it's sooo not comfy. Besides the fact that me + artificial hormones = more drama and mental anguish than one woman (and her husband) should have to indure. I was hoping that since the amounts of hormones were so much lower, it wouldn't affect me - but ugh. The ring to prevent me from getting pregnant, and some other drug to prevent me from turning into a celibate hermit bitch. Bleh. I miss my little tinman.

Ah! Speaking of meeting girls, C was trying to meet a girl - and on Saturday (the day they were going to meet) he said that he thought he would like to fuck her. Mind you, I'm still under the influence of the hormones, but I reacted to that about the same way as I would if he had said 'I'd like to play cards with her.' A totally - casual grin, nod & shrug - and a demand for full details later. But, she flaked out as well (flaky ass women) so - that hasn't happened. Let's see if they hook up this weekend - but somehow I doubt it.

I tried to give myself an orgasm *thinks* Wednesday, I think it was? *sigh* It was - it was - horrid. And I was in my state - home alone, warm and comfy on the couch, a couple of glasses of wine, my naughty news group comics, and - ppphhhfft. I mean - it was like...okay - NORMAL orgasm for me - esp a self given one - is about ..... hmm - a good 5.8 on the Ricther scale. The orgasm I had Wednesday wouldn't have even made the needle jump. It was more like a stampede of four horses (compared to an EARTHQUAKE, mind you). It was the oddest thing EVER - I mean, I could feel how weak it was. It - it was a tinygasm. Hell, I've cum harder without touching myself in a wet dream! *sigh* So, I worry that's another side effect of the ring - the side effect that forced me to give up on the pill. And heaven knows, my libido is low enough as it is, I don't need any bloody HELP supressing it, thank you very much.

"Most hormonal birth control works by shutting down the ovaries, which are also the main producers of testosterone in a woman's body."

Oh bloody hell.

I'm trying to find a part time job where I can make a little extra money - sextexting. It's quite popular in the UK, rather like their phone sex. Phone sex, I couldn't do - I'm not THAT good of an actress. Typing though? Hah! I could blow someones head off. So. I need to talk to Hubby about it......but I don't think he would mind.

I'm so proud of him, by the way!! HE brought up the fact that we need to work out a new budget - the smart, brilliant man he is - finally learning some damn financial sense.

Rockin Weekend...and other related thoughts

Ahh... had a lovely weekend....this whole 'social' life thing doesn't leave me much time to sleep, but it's very fulfilling in a different way. And it's also VERY funny how my 'social' life is so - striated. The first thing I did on Sat was with a group of AfAm women - none of whom know about OD or my sexual life - but they understand my life some. The second group was a group of women I met online - obviously they know about my color, but they don't know about 'this' side of me. The last meeting was with a bunch of swingers, and they know the most about me - I'm closest to my full self with them.

Anyhow, C wasn't able to come with me (work) and I really regret that - I really want him to meet some other AfAm married men who swing, simply so that he can talk to them, and maybe work out some of his worries/concerns about full swap. Though, I think the thing might be - he just isn't really interested in swinging. He's - okay - with the idea of a threesome, but I think that's just more because he knows that I'm bi, and he wants to do that to please me. But of his own free will - he's just not that into it. And - well, I don't know. I would love for him to read 'The Ethical Slut'. I LOVE that book - it literally resonates within me - it's a mirror to some of my inner heartdesires..... *sigh*

We've had sex what - twice this week I think? Yeah - once on Wednesday after I met girly (who I've talked to once or twice online, but I'm definitely trying to phase her out) and then again yesterday - I had gone outside to sit in the rain and read my book on Tantra that I brough on Saturday...and he came out and we chatted for a little while, and then he sugessted we have sex. I didn't really want it, but - eh. It wasn't bad. I gave him a lil head, and we started outside until it stopped raining, then we went to the bedroom to finish off. I actually didn't cum (just wasn't in the mental space for it) but I faked a good one to make him cum. It's odd - I rarely feel bad about faking it, largely because I do it SO infrequently, and usually I do it so that we can wrap things up - thank you once again, Dr. Kegel!

But I'm glad that we did it twice this week, as I'm on my period, and it's interesting - I'm just totally not into it then - but I used to be, as long as the guy didn't mind. Gah. I showed him the Tantra book, and his response was 'That's the thing that shows you how to prolong your orgasms, right??" and I told him that yeah, that's part of it, but there is also a spiritual and mental aspect...and he swiftly volunteered to be my practice partner. *smiles* As if I expected anything less?? It's interesting - I think little things like that gives him hope - and reassures him that I really am interested in salvaging/repairing our sexual relationship, and he's cooler with having sex a little less often as long as I'm working on it.

Hmm... what else?? There was something else I wanted to - AH! Lately, (hello Ladies!!) I've been getting noted by several ladies who have gone through the same thing that I am dealing with - low sexual interest in their husbands, but still have a libido, as proven my their roving eyes. They are both about ten years older than me, and have kids - and sweet heaven knows that I want to have this done, settled and behind me one way or another before we start having kids....uh-uh. Not trying to incite that kind of drama in my life - no sirre bob!

---

Also, I'm debating cancelling my second appointment with the therapist....I didn't really feel that she helped me much....I mean - telling me to stop being selfish and just give him some - well, shit, I figured that out from all of the self-help books. What I want/need is for someone to sit down with me, work me, and figure out why I don't feel horny very often - and not just dismiss it by saying 'oh, that's how most women are'. GAh! Just because most women are this way doesn't mean that is a woman's normal level, and if I'm there talking to you about it, maybe that means that I'm not satisfied being there?

Ah!! I figured out what it was really - that's the thing with me. I RARELY get horny. *and I might have written about this before, but I'mma talk about it again*. I mean, there are sometimes when I might want to be touched....there are sometimes when I crave a solo orgasm to relax, but I RARELY (and never sober!) get into that "I need dick and I need it NOW !!!!!!!!!!" feeling - in fact, the only time I get that way is if I'm surrounded by music, alcohol, and horny men I'm not married to (ie. the club). And I know, as a younger sprite in college, I used to get pretty randy.....still nothing like what I get after a good night out with the girls, but - it came up occasionally - I would wake up from hot sex dreams....hmmm...interesting, thinking about that, I don't think I've had a hot sex dream since....shit....at least a year and a half ago, now??

Which is very interesting, as I used to have those rather frequently....but hmm... that's just died off. So anyhow, debating if I'm going to go to this appointment. I mean shit, OD has been a better therapist than she was in the first session. At least ya'll validate my feelings, don't make me feel like I'm a bad woman, and offer concrete suggestions of things to do/try that aren't in every selfhelp book I've ever picked up.

---

In other news - I told Jc that I was coming to Atl....I actually called him while I was waiting for Girly to show up on Wednesday, and I casually mentioned it, shortly after he thanked me for the latest batch of pictures I had sent him *evil grin*. He promised me that he was going to block out the entire month of September, and that we had to meet at least once, and that he was going to be on his best behaviour. *evil grin* Just - too, too much fun, really.

Okay - running off now.... :)

I had lovely hot steaming....

SEX last night. RAWR!!! Wonderful stuff, just wonderful.

And we talked...it was rather interesting, talking to him in such an - open way. I mean, it was - WONDERFUL really....we talked, we cleared some things up - we really connected (in ever so many ways). It was ALMOST better than the orgasms!!

I also met a lady (woman, girl? lady just sounds - old fashioned - ah!) chica last night that I had been talking to online. I'm so not looking for just a hit & Run, and I think that is where her head was at - esp. considering she was whining that I taught her 'patience' by not meeting her AT HER HOUSE the first night we talked, and instead waited until Wednesday (gasp!! a whole FOUR days) to meet her face to face. *rolls eyes* She was a cool sis, but had almost no class, no openness - and seemed to have SERIOUS issues with homosexuality. I'm sorry, I KNOW that I'm not healthy, but there seems to be something really twisted in WANTING a woman - and then turning up your nose at a table with a lesbian couple sitting there. Uh-Uh....not trying to be your therapist darling, I got one of them already! *laugh* She also seemed traumatized by the fact that I have a therapist - ah well......

I'm talking to a few other women, and I've joined a discussion/support group for black bi women, and I'm VERY happy to be a part of that group. The focus is on support and sisterhood, NOT sex (though they do have a spicier side group) and - *sigh* I'm really enjoying it. I MISS having girlfriends dammit - or at least sistagals I can hang out with....

looking forward to this weekend......I just wanna - RELAX.

*wide grin*

Just so that no-one get's the wrong idea - yes, I'm DEFINITELY looking forward to seeing Jc. But he's such a bloody noble beast, he most likely won't touch me, no matter how much I might tempt him - and do I plan on trying? Oooohhh no....at least not TOO much! ;)

Heh. But - it WILL be fun hanging out with him. But - the main reason that I'm so excited is that I LOVE Atlanta. I went to college there, and that city has had more influence on who I am today than almost anything besides my mother. I LOVE Atlanta, and if the traffic wasn't so damn hideous, I might actually consider moving back. I decided against getting a car - I'll be in Downtown, so it's not like I can't take public transit - they have the best damn public transit of any city I've been in other than DC (the city of my birth, and another city I LOVE).

*grin* Though, I will swing by the Toy Store while I'm there. I'm already putting together my agenda.

Oh my, oh my, oh my.....

So....I registered for the conference in Atlanta. It's seven hours away, so I'm debating driving vs. flying.... I'm going to have to rent a car either way, as if I drove, the hubby would need a car (assuming he doesn't have one by then) and if I fly, I'd need a car in Atlanta. Though, driving in Atlanta? Ick, ick, ICK. 

Holy Shit! I'm SOoooo flying - there's a round trip ticket for 150 bucks! I think I would want to take Thursday and Friday and Monday off - I could get in the city on Thursday, have fun, relax, do some stuff, then attend the conference Friday - Sunday, then fly back on Monday, and be back to work Tuesday.  I need to figure out how much vacation time I have.

*grin* I'm excited - I will go out clubbing, and have loads of fun - alllll by myselllfffff!

And yes, I'm sure I will see Jc. And maybe another one of mah boys. I haven't been BACK to ATL since I graduated - this should be sooo much fun. Memorriiiess...

Wonderful Weekend!!

Wow!! Even though we didn't go to the Music Fest (too cold & too wet), we had LOADS of fun....

First of course, there was the FABULOUS housewarming at PrincessaP's new crib - LOVELY place!! I can't wait til we get enough furniture that we can have people over - such a warm, welcomgin and wonderful bunch they were! I was a little wonky when I left our house and forgot the camera, but I'll have plenty of pics as soon as Stealth sends the info!!

We went home afterwards, planning on going grocery shopping, but the combo of good food and an icky day sent us to sleep - we decided to do something we haven't done in AGES and did 1am shopping. I love it (even when I'm woken up for it) - there's really no-one else in the store at that time - no pushing, no shoving, no manuevering carts around people - though of course, with all the boxes in the way from stocking, it can be a bit challenging.....

I slept VERY late Sunday, and woke up to the wonderful smells of bbq - we had gotten a pork shoulder and C slow cooked it on the grill - noon till about 6pm - *drrrrooooooooooooooollllll* it was soooooooooo damn good. Seriously. We passed out after eating  - we've decided that the better the food is, the more likely we are to need a lil nap afterwards.

Also!!! I got my books (from the bargain books place) and WOW!!! They are sooooooo nice - perfect condition, clearly brand new - and just OUTRAGEOUSLY cheap. Ridiculous. I've got more books to read now than a little bit.....

What else wonderful happened this weekend? We got our swatches for the couches, and picked out the colors - a buttery cream and a dark reddish brown - I've emailed the folx, and hopefully they'll respond soon - I can't WAIT to have furniture again.  One kinda sucky thing - I think our waterbed has ANOTHER pinhole leak. *le sigh* I don't know if it was the moving, or if the remarkably bitter guy who put together the waterbed did something 'odd' to it, but we might just break down and get a NEW damn waterbed (mattress) at least. I love the waterbed, I do..... but these repeated leaks are enough to drive a woman batty (as well as make us nervous as hell about - bouncing around on it  - so to speak.)  Well... not TOOO bad - I think we might just get a new one rather than messing about with this one.

more later, I'm sure.

 

Life Path

First of all - I had a GREAT time with the Memphis Mafia last night - I'd forgotten how fun it is to sit around with a bunch of intelligent crazy woman and bounce from topic to topic with no worries - I had a GREAT time gals - can't wait to meet up with ya'll again!! 

---

 

In other news - I've been thinking about my long term plans again - largely because I think that my job is going to be close to a cakewalk for me - so I'm going to have to figure out what else I'm going to do to fill my time until I get promoted to something tougher. Anyhew - there are a couple of major things that I want to do/become, and I figure - hell, I've got no kids, got a nice new higher income - this is the time to start putting those things into effect. So - those things (not in order of importance are:

1. Learn Spanish


2. Learn ASL


3. Become a doula


4. Write (finish) a novel

So - the reasonings? The first three really are for each other - I want to be a midwife (that's my long term professional goal in life) and knowing Spanish as well as ASL will better help me serve a wider clientle. I'm going to start out as a doula because that way, I will (hopefully) be able to schedule my work/attendance to times outside of the 9-5, and I know that being a doula and assisting at births will either solidify my desire to be a midwife, or force me to decide that maybe midwifery isn't for me (I doubt it, but hey - it might happen!).

As for the novel - *sigh* that kinda follows on with the other things - I've got to be able to make a living (because I think that the midwifery will turn into a labor of love, and I know that - *sigh* midwifery certainly ain't the money maker that the OB/GYN profession is. Also - I think that writing is something that I can do well - before I left Indy, I collated all of the various story concepts/intial ideas that I've come up with over just the last five years - and I have at LEAST 4 series, and 5 or 6 standalone book concepts - some are half done, some aren't even started, some are barely concieved - but dangit, I think that they are ALL good.

So - I'm going to start a new chapter (does anyone else see my chapter breakdown, or is it set up by date?) that I can collect my thoughts on how I'm going to manage this process, as well as a catch-all for the information that I'm going to gather in figuring out how to do this best.

*sigh* Let's see if I can stick to this!

Sheesh...

Okay - stuff is going like crazy! I've got so much crap to do in the next 5 days - FIVE! Yipes!

Just a quick few lines - it's 3pm on Friday, I wanna go home, but it's still too early to cut out. Esp. since I'm taking monday off.

Had the first of my going on things last night - a bunch of giddy gals getting together for half price martinis - talk about a LOAD of fun.

Trying to write my farewell email - it's odd - I don't wanna be all fulla meself, but I wanna be me at the same time.

Heh.

Okay - brain going 'WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'

More later. 

maybe.

Memphis Mafia

Wow ladies!!! Talk about making a gal feel welcomed! I look forward to meeting & marghriting with all of ya'll!!

Keeping company.....

I'm violently jealous of one of my friends, yet I wouldn't trade places with him for a couple million - at least. He's an artist, a man of peace, a writer, a playwright - and he has glorious, spacious, uninteruppted periods of time to focus on himself and his art - largely because his girlfriends takes care of the 'worldly' matters, if ya know what I mean....

 

Now - being a kept woman isn't something that I would mind - so that's not why I wouldn't trade places with him - but when you are 'kept' by someone who seems to either loathe you or love you, and you feel the same -  but a little heavier on the loathing side - and can't escape due to a lack of cash - shiiitt. No thank you. I reallly, really don't think so.

 

Talking to him at work and he broke off to go and do some walking meditation - WALKING bloody meditation - such luxury there is in time to one's self - which started me thinking about women in the last century, and how the greatest blessing for a woman of mind and intelligence was to be barren, because otherwise all of her time would be taken up with bearing and taking care of children.

 

And I promptly shied away from even mentally placing myself in that position - but I'm not sure which one I was more afraid of - breeding so much that I have nothing left for me - or being barren and never really feeling like I reached a personal marker of having lived.

 

I feel - nebulous somehow. I feel like I'm coming to a turning point - I FEEL like something is about to come to pass and it's going to rock my world. And no, I'm not pregnant - but it just feels like that - like SOMETHING hanging over me, creeping in closer and closer. It's not necessarily a bad thing either - just a thing - a large interesting changing thing - and I can't wait for it to get here.

 

At least if I'm shaken I won't settle.

 

Randomosity

Okay - if I had any sense I would have taken Thursday and Friday off too - I was so out of 'step' with everything - totally not ready to just slide back into the 'normal' life I had stepped out of for a few days. Today though, I feel more back to normal. Almost. :)

 

This weekend was wonderful - I did nothing but sleep and putter around the house. I think I might have touched the computer about twice - and of course none of it was long enough to start playing with the pictures. Hah! That's going to take a couple of weeks, I know. We got legally married on the 2nd - so that's going to be our 'official' wedding anniversary. Gah! I so don't feel like changing my name - but I know I will. Am.

 

Work is - workly. I got a raise (WHOOHOO!!) which I'm not sure what I'm going to do with - I could either pay more bills ( the usual answer) save it (the secondary answer) spend it (highly unlikely) or put it towards my 401K (good money after bad?) or - open an investment account of my own (better off as a candle lighter?). Still no promotion (bitches) but my boss said that we re going to start working that 'pipeline'. *sigh* I would like at least ONE promotion by the time I leave.

 

I realize how much I freaking MISS my friends though - I had a absolutely WONDERFUL time being back in the old stompling grounds with them. *sigh* I really need to make some friends here - girlys (and guythings) that I can hang out with.

 

Bleh. I'm roughly wasting time until my coworkers get back from a meeting so that we can go to lunch. I'm back on Atkins as of today - I can feel the weight on me now, and I want it OFF, OFF, OFF!!! Bleh.

 

I'm kinda tossing around the thought of entering the LaneBryant Modeling contest - the only thing that is holding me back is the fact that you HAVE to be at least a full 14 - and eh. I'm not sure if I WANT encouragement to not lose any more weight. As I was driving in to work today I realized that another 60 pounds is what I would like to lose - and that I really shouldn't be putting it off - I know me. But then of course - I might be TRYING to lose weight, and not lose any, and I'd miss out on at least a CHANCE for something really interesting. I think I'll enter, and if  I actually end up in the running at all - then I can fret about being too skinny. HAH!

 

Okay. I'm thinking thats all for now. Blah!

My Life, Eh?

For the longest time I was trying to be sleek & cool by having all my titles be a single word. Eh, screw that I say - I'll make each one be about the entry instead - however I wish it to be. Sometimes it might be one word, sometimes it might be a full sentence, but whatever it is it'll be the best fit.

So - besides losing weight and the personality changes that seem to come along with that, what else has been going on in my life?

1) TG & TBU's wedding: It was only my SECOND wedding in my life, but man it was LOADS better than the first. She was radiant, he cried before he even STARTED speaking his vows (and they were lovely - hers & his) and the food and dancing was great. :) I've warned her already that I will be swiping SEVERAL ideas from her and she gave me her total permission. I also had a face to face with several OD'ers - so cool to attach faces to words.
2) Work: It's been interesting. I still haven't quite settled into exactly WHAT my role is going to be as part of this new position, and I hate the fact that no-one can really break it down and list exactly what the hell I'm SUPPOSED to be doing, but I like it. I'm actually working/learning/CONTRIBUTING in a way that feels worthwhile to ME and it's good. I'm still only staying until this release is over.
3) Midwifery: I've been reading A LOT, and I have actually started studying (a little) in my A&P book. I've more or less settled on the fact that I'm going to do the CNM route - mainly because I don't really WANT to limit the states that I can legally practice in, and because I feel like I could do the most good if I have those 'letters' after my name. I'm trying to talk one of my first friends into becoming an OB rather than a heart surgeon so that I can always have a flexible and reasonable backup doc, but she's not hearing it. :) I plan on taking a few intial classes (like A&P) this fall if I can dredge up the money.
4) Wedding: Well. I REALLY need to get on these invitations - I've got everything set I just need to print them, put them together, and mail them. Not a biggie at all right? Yeah, right. The realization jsut hit me last week that it's the middle of JUNE and I wanted the RSVP's to be back by the first of AUGUST which means I REALLLLLLLLLLLLY need to get freakin crackin. I've bought my dress, and Corey has been fitted and ordered his tux. I haven't been able to get in touch with my MaidOH, and my ManOH won't be able to come *sob* because of another conflict. I'm not even going to debate within myself why he isn't willing to miss a day of school (yes, it's the first day in his doctoral program but still - it's MYYYYYY DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!) His family still isn't coming, but we've got a load of friends and the like who are - which means that the wedding will have the under-30 people I wanted it to have in the first freaking place. I still need to send of the official contract to the photographer and the officiant... and I have not yet booked our flights or our rooms because I'm waiting to see what kind of new job Corey gets so that I KNOW when he will be able to leave & come back. Heh. Somehow - I predict a future of me running about like a mad woman. Thank god we're getting married in Vegas cuz otherwise I would SO be SOL.
5) Friends: Well, I've ben trying to make some friends in real life and it's RATHER odd. I've joined the Indy Bi-Versity group, and it's just weird. I still haven't figured out how grown-ups make new friends, but I figure if I'm actually OUT amongst people, that's a first step in the right direction. How to translate that 'hanging out in a group setting' to 'hanging out as friends' I'm having a tough time with, but I figure I've got to get the hang of it at SOME point - yes?
6) Homelife - me & corey are doing great, though he still hasn't found a job up here and I miss him EVER so much, at least I know he's coming back soon. I tore my apartment apart and then put it back together - it's SO much more welcoming and attractive now. It could still stand tobe vacuumed once a week rather than the every other week it gets, but hey - I'm making progress. When he moves back, I plan on suggesting that we hire a miad to handle the rough bits for us on a biweekly basis. Why do it, if I can pay someone else to, yes? The kitlings are fine - I think they got rather spoiled at the kennel though - but I love them anyway. I had to stop letting thm go out on the balcony unsuperized as Nikki (he of the long tail) decided that he preferred sitting on the balcony railing to sitting on the balcony FLOOR where he belonged - so they are on bird watching probation.
7) Finances: Ugh. About the same - I got my first speeding ticket of the summer which I am going to pay for with part of the money I'm getting back from my expense report. I'm also up to date on the little things that I kept forgetting about like my subscrition to Smithsonian and a couple of bucks to my dentist and some other niggling things. I'm getting a little over 300 bucks back (so make that 200 to spend) and I plan on spending every SINGLE drop of it on new summer clothes & shoes for myself as it's really starting to get ugly. When I wash clothes Thursday and have NOTHING that I want to wear by Monday, that's really a bad sign.

I think that's about it. As I told Chris (who I'm talking to again on a VERY intermittent basis) I'm actually content for once. I'm not settled, but for right now as far as my life goes, I'm satisfied. And really - that's good enough for me for now.

Blurbles

All day, I've had random little thoughts come blurbling up into my head, and I haven't had time to jot them down - which is most likely what caused the headache I now have. However, I'm finally home, sitting in what must be the MOST comfortable chair ever, staring out of the porch window at a heavy rainfall, with a lovely bowl and a big cup of water next to me - and finally I can let all those blurbles out.
Excuse me.

I look down now, and instead of seeing a little pooch of belly through my shirt, I see nothing but softly waving cloth. Why does this make me feel like a battleship? I wish there was a way that I could test my thyroid at home - just to see if I have any issues. I'm doing the SAME thing that I've done before, being a little more active and eating a little less, and yet my weight loss has SLOWED to an almost halt. I'd hate to go into my doctor "Oh - I want a thyroid test to see if I can blame something outside of myself (figuratively speaking) for my slow progress". Hm. I'll have to look for one.

Why do so many people know my name - and why didn't I notice it before?

I've got babyfever, and I've got it bad - and somehow stumbling across all these attachment parenting/natural mothers on OD isn't helping the LEAST bit. I'm slowly becoming utterly terrifed that I will be one of the women who has a sick pregnancy and won't even be able to enjoy the joy & wonder that is being pregnant cuz of all the nausea and retching. Eep. I have to keep chanting to myself "I don't want to have a baby until I can afford to take at LEAST 6 months off and stay home with it" in order to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Interesting tidbit on A'ishah - the ONLY thing that I have ALWAYS known I've wanted to be is a mother. Only and always. Damn shame it doesn't pay.

I cleaned and cooked and read (3 OR 4 different books) and slept and ate and was with Corey and did a tiny bit of cleaning and spent only 1.60 (yay me!) and met some utterly fabulous homebirthing type people and just in general had a riproaringly fabulous weekend. OF course, I'm so very sure that taking Friday off had something to do with it, but I'm going to pretend like I don't know that and make EVERY weekend this wonderful.

I didn't manage to start on the Artist's Way however...

There are somethings that I want to do, but don't because I would feel like such a poser doing them. Somehow, I can't seen to consiously tell myself "Everyone started from a place of unknowing" and that I won't instantly have the knowledge and connections and know how of some of the people I meet. I must stop mistaking experience for determination. I think that may be why I miss school so - I miss being a part of a group of people going from unknowing to knowing at the same time and at roughly the same pace.

I talked to BOTH of my best friends yesterday - a first in I can't remember how long. M. had good news and bad news - the bad was he's not coming to the wedding *sob* the good - he got accepted into his doctoral program (which is why he can't make the wedding) *yay*. I do plan on rubbing in the guilt, and dammit I wish I had known earlier and I would have tried to make it home to suprise him at his graduation from gradschool. Ah well - I guess I won't see him again until the end of the year. It's going to be odd getting married without him there.
N. sounds like a stressed-out single mom - she's soo bloody ambitious that I don't know whether to pity her or admire her. I suppose I pity where she is now, and admire her drive to get where she wants to be. I wish I was closer to all of them. It seems like since the last time I was home, we've all made efforts to keep in touch with each other more. It's good - for awhile there I was afraid we we've drifting apart. Of course, N and M ARE drifting apart since the dumb fart hasn't called her since the baby was born. Which was in SEPTEMBER. I honestly don't understand why he does that to people - I mean I'm BAD, but not that bad.

I try so hard not to be holier than thou. It's sickening when I hear it coming from me, but dammit I know so much! I know and am more than aware that sometimes (a lot of times) I really don't know shit, but when I do know I want to share and I'm not sure how my 'sharing' is taken all the time. I think that is another reason why I have gone so quiet lately. I sometimes feel like what I'm saying has no value, and thus people easily dismiss me. Maybe I'm being too sensetive. (Yet another word I can never spell right). Or maybe it does have value and I'm talking to the wrong crowd so it would just be best if I shut up anyhow.

I have very good hearing and sense of smell - my mom always told me it was to make up for my piss-poor vision. Now that I can see 20/20 - will that advantage fade, or am I stuck with it? I still get paranoid about the peepers despite the fact that according to my doctor I would be a LASIK poster child. Every headache I get - I fret. Every dry eye - I freak out. Every instance of 'odd' vision, I think I'm going to go blind. They are very minor, very low grade freakouts - but my heart starts thumping all the same. I've got no CLUE of what normal healthy eyesight is like - so I assume that everything out of the ordinary is bad/dangerous - when in fact it might be quite normal.

Corey was overqualified for the transfer job. (Have I mentioned this already?) He has his eye out on several other jobs, and - I'm just such a party pooper. I have a very clear line drawn between wishing and reality - i.e. I wouldn't even CONSDIER looking at ads for Jaguars if I'm trying to stay under 15K in buying a car. He, on the other hand would. To him, it's just exploring the full range of possiblities - even if they are IMpossibilities. To me, it's just a waste of time. So - it's like that in his job search always. He will get excited about jobs that either aren't in the area or he doesn't have the qualifications for - and rather than get wrapped up in the magic of the description - I zoom right into the qualifactions or the location. Why get excited about something that has little possibility of even occuring? But - I've learned to tone down my UltraSensible voice, and bask in the occasional magic of what-if with him. I still always come back to ground first.

I think I might have allergies to something in Indiana. I lived in Atlanta (The Allergy Capital of the US) for 6 years with no allergytype issues. The FIRST spring I lived here, I thought I was going to die from some of the migraine like sinus headaches I had. Since then, every spring I've gotten this sudden spate of sinus headaches. And of course, I HATE HATE HATE taking OTC medicine of ANY kind - I've got to be reallllllly hard up to take an asprin, so I simply sit in silence and darkness, or take a nap until the headache fades away. Really - I need to leave before it turns into something more.

Busywork

It's still gorgeous outside. We (me and several coworkers) took a nice walk outside after lunch, and now I'm pumped about planning my spring schedule. My goal is to insure that I am OUT of the house most nights of the week. So far - I'm doing good.
Mondays - starting mid April, I'm going to take swimming lessons. Now that I have my 'new' eyes, I REALLY want to learn how to swim. That was one of the reasons that I never learned how to swim was because once I was in the water, I couldn't SEE. *laughs* I tried to explain to my mother just how odd that is, but I gave up. Your vision is altered enough as it is by JUST being in water, and I couldn't see as it was, so there was no way I could see clearly.
Tuesdays - starting April 8th, I'm going to be taking American Sign Languages classes. I planned on taking them earlier, but I missed the registration period. This time - it's inked in on my calander, and so I'm DEFINITELY going this time.
Wednesdays - I have nothing PLANNED for this day, but I'm thinking it might be a good gardening/laying about in the sun (if it's sunny) day. :)
Thursdays - The belly-dancing classes. Those start this week, and it's an 8 week class. :) This should be loads of fun! I have enough BELLY to dance with this is for sure.
Fridays - There is a Open Mic that I could go to - if I ever get up the nerve to go to a bigger forum than the one I started with. I want to write a few more new poems (or at least RE-write/edit some of my old stuff) before I move to a different forum. I have to admit though, the small group that I went to last week seemed to LOVE my poetry. It was really fun and exciting. One of the guys who read there (and his son) reads at this Friday night meeting, and they said that it's nice... so on the Fridays that Corey comes here, I can go to that reading. At some point when I get crazier or braver (and is there really a difference?).

---

I want to bitch, moan and whine for a while. I'm losing weight, and while that is a wonderful thing is sooo many ways - there is one way in which I'm UTTERLY dreading it. I'm going to have to buy new bras. As of today, most of my bras are 42/44 DDD. I brought close to 400.00 worth of bras from Lane Bryant while I worked there, which means I most likely only actually paid about 150.00 for them. The issue is that now, I've lost enough freaking weight that I really NEED to be in a 38/40 DDD, and dammit them bitches are EXPENSIVE. Obviously, the girls are big enough that they NEED some sturdy support, and so the cheap bras simply don't cut it - I might as well be wearing the wrong size. So - I'm dragging my feet, because I'm so not in the mood to spend what I need to spend to get some good bras, but - what choice do I have? I can't be going around with droopy boobies - besides it being most unattractive - my back will start to hurt, and I have NO intention of EVER getting reduction surgery, so bad bras aren't an option. Gah.

Creeps

There is a woman on Yahoo!Personals who is giving out my phone number. That bothers me on SEVERAL different levels. I don't know who she is, and none of the men who call me to get in touch with her seem to want to give up the goods on her. Today, I got the FOURTH phone call in under 2 weeks from a guy looking for 'Laura'. She sends them an email, and in the email she puts in a phone number for them to contact her. Now, if it happened once, I would have shrugged it off as a typo - I mean everyone's fingers slip occasionally, right? But 4 times? This chick is using a wrong number - and didn't even bother to check and see whose number it was. If I find out what her screen name is...I'm going to send her a VERY nasty gram. Gr.
I guess what is creeping me out the most is that I had this 'friend' who I met on Yahoo!. I say 'friend' because she certainly wasn't a close friend of mine for several reasons that were all on my part, but because I'm a softy, I didn't (which maybe I should have) discourage her from thinking of me as a 'best friend'. My issues with her started with the fact that she lies to everyone from her husband to her parents to her pastor, and I assumed me too. She was going to school to be a YOUTH MINISTER and claimed to be a rock-solid christian and she also claimed to have some mental health issues - which I don't know if that was true or not, but I know she never took her 'meds'. The straw that broke the back of her association with me was when we went to Dayton - she was having some marital issues, and wanted to get away. She can't keep a job, and doesn't have a car, so I was the driver. I had fun - dancing, drinking a little flirting - she had even more fun - including making out with some guy in the parking lot of the club. She however stepped over the line when she invited some dude she had JUST MET the night before (though even if she had known him for years it wouldn't have been any better) (and this was DIFFERENT guy from the guy she made out with) and fucked him in the bed that was oh - 2 feet from the bed I was SLEEPING in. Yeah. Very nasty. Did I mention that she hadn't even been married for a year yet? Yeah. I don't think any woman here would ever want to WAKE up to the sounds of some STRANGER fucking in the bed next to you. Ick ick ick ick ICK! So, once again, being a nice person - rather than listing for her in DETAIL what I thought of her, her habits, and her morals, I simply told her that I didn't think we should be friends any longer, and asked her to break off contact with me.
I know that she hangs out on Yahoo!Personals, and I think she might be twisted enough to give out my phone number to the guys she is drumming up. She called me a few days ago to see if I would meet with her to visit with her kids for a second, and I haven't responded - and don't plan on responding. She had a wonderful set of children who I liked quite a bit, but even for the kids I'm not trying to step anywhere NEAR the tar pit of dependency that she sucked me into the first time.

I may be kind, but I ain't stupid.

Blood

I'm an only child - but I still felt the ned to write an entry about my siblings.
I am the only child of my mother. My father (who I've seen three times in my life that I can remember - two of those because I initiated it) has (last I heard) one daughter who is about ten years younger than me. Thankfully, my mother and my stepfather never had children - which I'm sure saved us from a life of misery tied to that man.
But - I have brothers, and I have a sister. My best female friend from the previous entry - she is my sister. And I have two males friends who without a doubt I would classify as my brothers. So - how have they changed my life?

I've been spoiled by them. I see what real strong friendship and love is all about in my relationship with them - and because of them I have much higher standards about who I associate with. They taught me how to interact with people my own age, and they helped me learn that mature doesn't always mean dull. They are my rocks of stability - and while I don't expect them to drop everything and come running to my rescue (though they would if I lived closer) I know that no matter what we may disagree on, on what me may clash about, and no matter how far away we live from each other they will always be my friends.

I'm often jealous of those with siblings - whether they are close to them or whether they can't stand each other. I'm jealous of families as a whole - because a large family is something that I crave. I'm learning to settle for having a community around me that feels like family.

It's amazing how conscious caring and respect can almost always trump mere blood.