Well.....random burblings after too much wine....

Because see, what it really all boils down to - at least at the start - is what you can get from the other person. That really determines a persons 'friend' worthiness at the start - unless some sort of magic happens.
What am I worth to others? Really not much. I'm occasionally funny, intermittently witty, and sometimes useful - but otherwise - eh, not so much. It takes years for me to become really - vital to someone.
I'm a slow friend - like a slow wine, delightful once I age - but it just takes SO damn long. I often wish I could make myself move faster - but.... that's not me.
I'm still trying to process our housewarming. It was fun - it was.
The turnout was sad (no other word for it) and the people who didn't show up shocked me more than the ones who did. littleone (who I haven't talked about in YEARS) came - and it was wonderful. We sat & reminisced, and I cant' wait to see him again tomorrow. I miss having those sorts of friends - the ones who will fly 1000 miles just to show up at a party of yours. *sigh*
Money helps, as always, but I haven't made those sort of friends since high school. I have to continue to mantra to myself - it's not you, it's them.
But then - it's rather along the lines of dating - if all of your life, you've dated fuckups, then it's NOT them, it's YOU, because YOU are the one constant within all of those relationships.
So, if all of my life, I've never had real friends/real friendships - ones that I can talk to, ones that I can tell my heart to, ones that will come over my house for free food and liquor and fun - maybe.....just maybe, it's NOT them - and it IS me.
But - if it is me, I don't know why. I don't know, I have no clue, what I do - or don't do - to develop the connections that I want to. I've always dreamed of having a large gathering of friends - a house full of people who would talk and laugh and love and be - INTERESTING.
I've always DESIRED a network - a true tribe of people. People who would show up at the hospital when I broke my leg and sign my cast. People who would help me paint my walls. People who I could call and ask if I could borrow their truck to pick up an amazing deal from the thrift store - and they would want me to pick up a matching item for them.
Instead, I seem to have collected a gathering of people who..... Gah. I don't know.
I started my period today (thank god, because I was TERRIFED that I was pregnant (six months too soon) and my back HURTED!!) so maybe that's why I am taking it so - personally. But at the same time, I'm not. I'm - resigned. Relieved it's over. Sad that it wasn't what I wanted it to be. Pleased that it went as well as it did. Reluctant to EVER have another party again.
It's just.... meh. But sweet mother of GODs - I'm SOOOOOO glad that it's over. *evil grin* Now, I can start to focus on the Sacred Women's Healing Circle, and tear apart the kitchen. Mwwwaaahhhahahahaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! *sigh* It's one am, and I'm going to bed. G'night.