Babies.

I just watched an episode of Dave Chappelle, where he was talking about his son living in his balls. I know, I know, but it's DAVE.

Any how - that got me to thinking.....

Any babies that I have - they have been living in ME since I was born. I mean - my eggs, and my ovaries, are as old as I am, and .......

Damn.

Does that mean that my babies (subconsciously) have absorbed everything that I've EVER been involved in/felt/loved/hated?

I mean - waaaay before conception - my babies have been a part of me.

And I'm writing this, the day that (much to my relief) I figured out (38 days into my normally 28/30 day cycle) that I'm not pregnant (Goddess's bless the bleeding! Why - WHY - would any woman want to give UP her period? Sweet Jesu, I would think that I was knocked up 24/7 - NOT pleasant. NOT the pleasant. Stressful as FUCK (can I use that word in my entries, as I can't use it in my notes??) really. ).

So. Anyhow.

I'm Not knocked up. And I'm thinking about my eggs having gone through everything I've gone through. And I'm wondering how conscious my eggs are - how much the idea of a cellular memory is real.

*sigh*

I'm not Bene Gessiret, and I'm NOT a Reverend Mother, and I've NOT taken the Spice and I've NOT Changed and - sheeee.....

Eggs have been living in women for - well, forever. And - okay - yeah, kids have gotten odder (crazier, wilder, angrier, requiring more drugs, more autistic) over the last few years (okay, decades) and I'm wondering..... .

Do the sins of the mother really afflict her children?

What sins have I committed..... that I will have to raise?

I'm - TERRIFIED - of having a wild child. A special needs child. A child that is autistic. A child with Downs Syndrome. And - I know that I'm doing everything 'right'.....

But I'm still fully aware that things can go wrong.

And I'm still totally into the - safety and healthiness and beauty of birth/pregnancy..... but I'm still scared.

Is that aiight?

Or - am I just being a controlfreak of a wuss?