Internal Damages

I've always been - well, no. Not always. Lately, I've been wondering if my abortion (8 years ago! holy cow!) maybe - damaged my uterus somehow. I've heard of the cringing and problems that D&C could cause, and - well, the thought was always there.

Then, today, and I don't know why (maybe my period starting? or maybe something I read on cbirth) I started thinking about the actual procedure - and it struck me that they used some sort of vacuum type thing - definitely no blades. I looked it up, and apparently I had a EVA (Electronic Vacuum Aspiration) done - which has a much lower rate of uterine damage than a D&C does.

So, that's an oddly huge relief. What impacts the abortion may have had on my heartfeather, I don't know - I felt enourmously at peace with it then, and I still feel at peace with it. If I end up being infertile, I doubt that I'll feel much peace with aborting the only child of my blood I would have ever had - but once again, I hope that I never have to cross that bridge.

Of course, the IUD could have done something odd too.

*sigh* It's insane, and it sucks, that almost all of the procedures/hormones/methods of NOT getting pregnant so often affect your long term ability to get pregnant when you are actually ready.

I've decided, since we are going to buy another Fertell test anyhow, I'll take the FSH test Saturday morning (CD3 according to FF - I'm totally dismissing the barely there spotting Tue/Wed), and it I fail (which oddly enough, I'm pretty sure I will - just like C did) we'll both retake them in 3 months, once we've finished our bottles of FertilityBlend.

I'm a little - relieved - and a little ashamed at the same time - that we are 'officially' in a NT/NA period right now. It gives us a little time to relax, and to reconnect. It gives me a little time to lose some bloody WEIGHT. In addition - it'll shift the end of the pregnancy more towards the cool months - as I'm really not looking forward to being 9 months pregnant in an air conditioned house in the South.

I wish I could find that article that mentioned that babes concieved during certain months have a lower IQ, overall, and how they believed that was a side effect of the higher levels of pesticides/pollution in the air in the summer months.

Hrm, I'll see if I can dig it up.

10:25

Sick.

Nervous.

In shock.

Scared.

It's not the OMG/happy/joyful feeling that I expected.

It's - shit, I'm shocked. Amazed. Astounded. All of these emotions swirling around, and none of them that I can look at and peg - happy.

Holy Fuck, I'm pregnant. Or, at least that's what this faint pink line is telling me. 3 cycles, and I'm still not ready. Or, maybe I am ready, but I just don't believe, just yet? Or, maybe I'm afraid that it's a chemical, I'll have a miscarriage, the baby will be deformed.....something.

One. Tiny. Fucking. Line, and my whole world has gone 'atilt'. And..... I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm not telling C until Sunday - Happy Fathers Day, Love!

I wanted to know before I told him, so that I could - come to grips with this. My life as I've known it is going to change radically at some point in Late Feb. And I'm terrified. It's going to change to the life I think I want - the life I've been telling myself I want - and I'm SCARED.

That's what it is. The joy and the celebration, and the OMG!!! YES!! is cloaked by this level of fear - will I be a good momma? Will I really be happy at home? Will we be in the poorhouse by June? I'm scared shitless, and it's a gray cloud hiding the sun of......

And it's so damn faint - hopefully it will get darker, and darker, and darker. Though, it IS only 11DPO. So.

Oh my god.

I'm pregnant.

Shape of a Mother

http://theshapeofamother.com/

Wonderful website - just plain, freaking, wonderful.  Makes me love my prebaby body more... and makes me believe that I will love my post baby body even MORE.

No, I'm not pregnant. *LOL* No hinting here.

Kids are just little people.....

Okay - some thoughts bout children and parenting and XYZ have been floating through my head for a while, and I want to write about them.... just my version of thinking outloud that I can preserve for myself.

I've always thought that kids were little people - heck, I call them little people half the time. It's - it's really a rather interesting way to look at kids - to really understand and - respect - really, their feelings/attitudes/viewpoints. I remember a while ago - most likely when I was with C's family for one reason or another, feeling so sad at how the kids were just - dismissed. Their feelings about a matter didn't seem to matter - it was like - you're short, so shuddup.  And most of the time - it was about things that really, in the whole scope of things, didn't really matter. But - it's faster and easier and simpler to just ignore someone than it is to 'lower' yourself - physically and emotionally - to look at things from their point of view. And that applies to little people and big people - when you don't understand someone else, it's much easier to just dismiss them, and say that they must be wrong, and really, it doesn't matter, than it is to work with them and to learn and understand and respect them.

 I've always known that all children do for the first few years of their life is learn how to be human - how to be people, basically. And that a huge part of parenting is being sure that you are teaching your kids the right things - by example, and by action. Each reaction to your child teaches them something, and I've realized that you really have to THINK about the implications of what you do - think that you don't know anything, and examine what YOU would learn from what you are about to do with/to/for your child. Kids are notoriously observant, and they pick up on things that some adults would never even notice.

I've been hanging around on crunchy parenting boards - and there is a very strong no-spanking attitude there - and spanking has always been the one parenting option that I have always been half and half on. Half because I was spanked, and honestly, I took it as a joke most of the time - a 'symbol' of punishment, that in the long run, meant jackall to me, besides giving me encouragement to insure that I didn't get caught. Half because - well, the whole teaching thing. Spanking is teaching your kids that it's okay to hit someone who is smaller than you, and who isn't doing what you want them to do.....and thinking of them as the perfect learners, and as little people - well, I've shifted almost totally onto the not-spanking side of the track.
I mean - how would I react if each time I did something that C didn't like, he hauled off and slapped my hand, or took a belt/strap and gave me a few licks? I would fight back like hell, is what I would do - and it certainly wouldn't improve our marriage, and it certainly wouldn't make me WANT to do whatever it was he wanted me to do in the first place. 
I don't hit my cat when he does something wrong - what's the point of hitting him? He's not going to associate what he DID with getting hit - he's just going to cringe each time I try to rub him.
I don't want my kids to think that fighting is a wise option - I want them to consider physical violence against others as an option of not only LAST resort, but also of severe duress - how will including spanking as punishment show them that physical violence is the last resort - and is only done in severe duress?  How will I teach them that it is unacceptable to hit their siblings and friends - when I, the person who is supposed to love them most - hits them 'because I love them'??
And then, there's the fact that spankings eeriely remind me (and almost always have - esp. when called 'whoopings') of slaves being beat on the plantation.  I firmly believe that the slave experience has warped every generation of AfAms in America is ways we are (and most likely always WILL be) blind to, and beating my child because they did something that I don't approve of - well. It doesn't sound right - it sounds like an option to either beat the spirit out of them, and encourage fear and avoidance of authority - or an encouragement to lie, and conceal, and be sneaky, and be withdrawn.
It's - uncomfortable - thinking back on how white men and women did the same thing to my ancestors because they viewed them as little more than animals.
You don't beat horses or dogs or dolphins or whales or elephants or tigers or lions or bears to teach them discipline and how to follow instructions - and I'm starting to feel that using spanking as discipline is basically saying that a human child is less intelligent than those animals, and unable to learn what is and is not acceptable and expected without physical pain....

But at the same time - even with all that logic - I have no CLUE of how to actually disipline children without it! It's an on-going joke in black culture about how 'bad' most little white kids are because they don't get whoopings. The concept of a 'time-out' is considered a weak parenting resort - a way to turn your child into a little brat who throws tantrums and cusses at their parents and grows up to shoot up schools and start illegal wars.

Just a little tap on the behind will teach them - teach them what? That I can hurt them if they don't do what I want? Who wants to teach their kids that? Who wants to encourage their children to be little sadists in that pain will provide them control over other people? I would rather my child burn their hand on the stove, than me to spank them for trying to touch it - at least that way they will clearly understand the real danger -  that momma was trying to protect me from something that hurts - rather than momma hurting me because I was doing something she doesn't want me to do.

*sigh*

It's REALLY hard, even thinking about this, and that troubles me SO much. Because - logically, I mean - come on! It makes perfect sense to NOT hit your kids. I mean - I'm going to do all that I can to protect them from pain everywhere ELSE in the world - and then I'm going to inflict pain on them to protect them from pain? *sigh* It's - stupid. It's - really, really stupid, actually - thinking about it logically.

And it's enourmously sad that I - and I think a lot of parents - simply don't KNOW any other way. I mean - really. If spanking wasn't considered so - so - okay - then people would work and look for other avenues to teach and to disipline their kids and it might make a difference. *sigh*

People always talk about how much 'badder' kids have gotten since they stopped doing corporal punishment in schools - but I think about what else has changed since then. How about the disintergration of the community and the extended family? How about all the crap we are pumping into the air and the food and the water? How about the violence that is shown and glorified on every channel of the TV - sometimes in such subtle ways that you don't even RELIZE there is violence occuring? How about the lack of attention most kids get from people who love them? How about the fact that kids don't play outside nearly as much anymore? I mean - shit, so much has changed in how kids are raised from then to now - how can any honest person point to corporal punishment and say - that's what the problem is?

*sigh* I'm really glad that I started thinking of this NOW - because it really is a mental shift. It's a mindchange to think of spanking as abuse - and interestingly enough, I think of it more as emotional abuse than physical. It's a real shift - even for me, who always thought of kids as little people - to realize that ya know what? I really SHOULD treat them the same way I want to be treated - and that if it's inhumane to beat a lion to train them - it's even more inhumane to beat a child.

It kinda scares me, and saddens me just how hard this is to process...and how I have to keep telling myself - I wouldn't hit a friend who was doing something I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my husband for doing something I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my boss for doing something that I didn't like, I wouldn't hit my cat for doing something I didn't like - why on the birght green Earth would I hit my child - who, besides the cat, understands the LEAST about what is expected of a little person?

It's really amazing - out of everything that I want to do around childrearing - this is the most radical.

ETA: And can I tell you how intensely uncomfy and scared and wondering it makes me that every time I talk/think/ponder spanking, my ass starts to tingle? And no, it's not even vaguely sexual or in a good way.... it's just - odd. It feels like a physical memory, and that bothers me deeply - esp. considering how nonchalant I feel about having been spanked.  

Babies.

I just watched an episode of Dave Chappelle, where he was talking about his son living in his balls. I know, I know, but it's DAVE.

Any how - that got me to thinking.....

Any babies that I have - they have been living in ME since I was born. I mean - my eggs, and my ovaries, are as old as I am, and .......

Damn.

Does that mean that my babies (subconsciously) have absorbed everything that I've EVER been involved in/felt/loved/hated?

I mean - waaaay before conception - my babies have been a part of me.

And I'm writing this, the day that (much to my relief) I figured out (38 days into my normally 28/30 day cycle) that I'm not pregnant (Goddess's bless the bleeding! Why - WHY - would any woman want to give UP her period? Sweet Jesu, I would think that I was knocked up 24/7 - NOT pleasant. NOT the pleasant. Stressful as FUCK (can I use that word in my entries, as I can't use it in my notes??) really. ).

So. Anyhow.

I'm Not knocked up. And I'm thinking about my eggs having gone through everything I've gone through. And I'm wondering how conscious my eggs are - how much the idea of a cellular memory is real.

*sigh*

I'm not Bene Gessiret, and I'm NOT a Reverend Mother, and I've NOT taken the Spice and I've NOT Changed and - sheeee.....

Eggs have been living in women for - well, forever. And - okay - yeah, kids have gotten odder (crazier, wilder, angrier, requiring more drugs, more autistic) over the last few years (okay, decades) and I'm wondering..... .

Do the sins of the mother really afflict her children?

What sins have I committed..... that I will have to raise?

I'm - TERRIFIED - of having a wild child. A special needs child. A child that is autistic. A child with Downs Syndrome. And - I know that I'm doing everything 'right'.....

But I'm still fully aware that things can go wrong.

And I'm still totally into the - safety and healthiness and beauty of birth/pregnancy..... but I'm still scared.

Is that aiight?

Or - am I just being a controlfreak of a wuss?

Fear. Worry. Insanity.

So.

At some point last week, as we were drifting off to sleep, C said - "I don't want to be 60 when my kids graduate from college." I muttured something reassuring (as my brain had already been taken offline). He then continued with, "I don't wanna be 50 when they graduate from high school" - and my slightly more on-line brain did the calculations, and my mouth muttered "Too late".

Two days later, we really sat down, and talked, and - holy shit, we are going to start trying to have a baby in the next few months.  I told him that I REALLLY don't wanna be super swole in the middle of summer, so - we need to try to time this right.  

I'm TERRIFIED.  I'm afraid that we won't be able to get pregnant, that I won't carry to term, that I'll have to have a c-section, that the baby will ahve a birth defect, that I'm going to hate staying home with a squalling brat, that we won't be able to survive on one income and I'll have to go back to work, that we'll get pregnant too SOON and not be able to save as much as we wanted, that I'll gain anotuher 100 pounds and will be the biggest momma in existence, that, that, that..........terror.

I never expected THIS reaction.  I know that I don't react all that well to change - this, I know. And I know, that having a sprite is about the biggest life change EVER, this I know.  But - I didn't expect to go through stomach-clenching, sweaty palm, moodswinging, insanity BEFORE I even get knocked up. I mean, REALLY.

Suddenly - life feels like it's moving waaaaaaayyyyyyyy too freaking fast. 

Um. For those who planned their bambinos, is this - normal? Or, is another aspect of my oddly obsessive personality coming out?

So. Anyhow. We are 'praticing' *wiggles eyebrows* for now - if I catch, I catch. According to our 'plan', I really SHOULD work about about another 20 months to have us financially cozier than a bug in a rug - but, if that timeline gets trimmed to 11 months, we'll still be fine - a little less cozy, but fine.

I'm going to smoke myself SICK over labor day weekend, and then, that'll be my last pack/puffs.

I'm already taking a daily multivitmin, (which I checked for folic acid) so, that base is covered.

I'm still trying to lose weight, but - meh.

Um. So, Yeah.

I'm not going to say that we are OFFICIALLY TTC until next year, because the less time I have to fret, the better.

I am ordering a OPK ferny thingy though - just to be sure that I AM ovulating.

*gulp*

Utterly. Insane.

Godly Thoughts

It's interesting - I've been thinking about how to explain - faith and God and religion - to future kidlings - and realized that - I don't believe in the 'classic' concept of God.  But then, for some reason, the thought 'God helps those who help themselves' drifted into my mind today. Along with - Thou art God - which I always vibed with, but never fully grokked. *smiles* But - analyzing those two things  - led me to -  in order to get anything done - you have to help yourself. 

Am I God? No - but - I reflect my God - my - vision of God.  

If I believe that I have a just, fair, loving God - then my every act should be just, fair and loving.  I AM God in that I represent God in the only way that humans can really connect to God - in their minds & spirits.  I am not God in the form that I have powers to control all - but then, I don't really believe that my God(s) control all.  I believe that - they are (usually) a shining example of how to be the best human possible - and in that way - I can become godlike. 

More mulling over this is required..... I'm just randomly gushing things onto the page.

nothing I could have imagined
equals to this
the leap of my heart
when I see your face
the ache in my breast
when you cry

how can I ever
express the change you've created
in me
your mother
when nothing else
could be
ours?

*snap**grrr*

So. I'm enourmously grumpy. Okay - maybe not enourmously, but grumpy enough that I think I have an involutary furrow in my forehead. Mind you, yesterday, I was all sunshine & light - now I'm cavemanface

I'm desparately, madly, insanely hoping that I'm grumpy because I'm TIRED.  After spending a whirlwind weekend with my folx, and being OUT of bed BY noon both Saturday and Sunday (which is unheard of for me) and then not getting to bed until midnight/1am every night this week so far - and barely being able to make it to work by 9am....I'm sure it's just because I'm tired. One more sleep, and it'll be Friday. Oh, how I look forward to Friday. Esp. on weekend where I have utterly no good reason to leave the house - yes, yes, Friday's ROCK. We also have a two hour fun & games meeting.....so that'll burn up some time. I should see if I can make a lunch date for tomorrow too...hm.
But then, I don't know if I should inflict my grumpy ass on anyone. See - and the reason I'm HOPING it's just because I'm tired is well - We don't do well with artifical hormones. I'm one of those women who will have to grit her teeth and just GET through menopause, cuz otherwise I will end up killing someone - most likely my husband. The Pill (after being on it for *thinks* almost ten years straight) made me TOTALLY fucking bonkers. I swung between depressed, violent, and manic in a lovely circle that started scaring even me. I knew I had to stop when I broke down sobbing in the corner of my apartment because C had to go TO WORK. Oh yeah - and it wasn't like it was a suprise - it was just all too too much.  I stopped taking them the next day, and within a week - I was all normal again.  So - this - Nuvaring thingy - has a hell of a LOT less hormones in it than the pill did, but I'm still paranoid.

*lays head on desk* And there's a farking CRICKET in our office. *bares teeth at it* *grrrrrrrrrr*

I read a short story called 'The Growling' about a society of warriors (men and women) and the men had been gone on some - quest - for almost a year - so instead of the usual mix of pregnant/recently given birth/not pregnant women - most of the women were not pregnant - and they were cycling in unison. And they were GRUMPY. SNIPPY. SNAPPY.  PMS*three all girls schools - and nobodys on the pill. Another tribe tried to swing through and take them out - and ay-yay-yai!! They beat them men like they stole something - twice - from their blind gramma.  It was a funny story - I need to find it when I go home. *LOL* I'm definitely growling.

*huge yawn* But I think it's just cuz I'm sleepy - see - yet another reason I know that me working + small children is a bad idea. If I don't HAVE to be anywhere, I can sleep on their schedule (however whacked out it might be) and I'm good at getting rested from catnaps. But working? And a bebe? Oh sweet jaysus, I would seriously go postal on someone - or have the worst case of postpartum depression ever - or both.

Okay. Let me go get some damn coffee out the damn machine and wake the hell up.

*grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

 

Never been so glad....

to see a week come to an end. Oh sweet heavens - it wasn't that I was SUPER busy - it was just that.....ehh.... I have been on high alert all week *gives support phone the evil eye* and I haven't been able to WORK OUT.  *gasp* I've had fond dreams of swimming all week.....hell, I might go to the pool tonight.

Let's see - as I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking 'This social life shit is TIRING!!' Not that I'm complaining (I've been having SOO much fun and meeting all kinds of new people) but I think that I'll have to schedule every other weekend for myself.  Tommorow, I have a book signing to go to at 1pm, then maybe swing by the Mexican Resturant where the Memphis Mafia will be, and then later that night having an early dinner with some new friends.  So - that's my whole Saturday bsuybusybusy....Sunday I plan on laying on the couch and veggin out with my hubby. I was considering being ballsy and going out alone tonight to a happy hour shindig - but BLEH. I was woke up this morning at 5:15 by that hateful phone, and I'm STILL dreaming too much at night.  Everytime I wake up, no matter why or what time, I'm waking out of  a dream. So, basically, I'm just - wiped. Geh.

What else? Really, my life has been dull this last week - work, home & more work, sleep. I feel bad - I SLEPT through C calling me to come and get him last night - I think he got a ride home with a co-worker, but I was totally knocked out. I wonder if it's close to period time - me & my mom suffer from cycle related anemia, and instead of PMS we get the sleepies. And of course, since we are both evil when short on sleep - it SEEMS like PMS, but it's really not.

In other cooter related news, I went to the OB/GYN yesterday.... it was a nice place - an all Women's physician group. Not nearly crunchy enough to be my doctor of choice - and I say that for two reasons. One, I was sitting in the little weigh/blood pressure office, and I was scanning the listing of handouts they had easily available. They had one for labor/delivery. They had one for c-section. They had one for induction. Did they have on for breastfeeding? Nope. *sigh* The other thing was, after the exam, she said - oh, I noticed that your NATURAL bacteria is a little over active - so here's a weeklong prescription for antibotics. Umm.  WHAAAAA??? So yeah - take the anti's, kills off my NATURAL flora, get a yeast infection because there's nothing to fight it, have to buy something to get rid of that, and then that starts a nasty little cycle. *snorts* She might as well have offered a douche coupon (which is about the worst thing you can do to your girls bits - once you start, you can NEVER stop......*wrinkles nose* well you CAN stop, but it ain't pleasant). So - it was cool to hae a black female OB, but...eh.

And then - and OOOH!! I felt so bad for even thinking this - but this is part of my snarky side - when I was sitting in the waiting room, there was a woman there with a....maybe 2 month old little girl.... adorable baby! The baby was on the floor in one of those carry carseat things, and she was fussy....not really crying, or anything - but just - fussy. The mom (who was about my age I'd guess) would look at her and ask 'What do you want??' - in a not so nice tone of voice...and the baby would stop fussing for a while, and look at her, and then start fussing again. Now....I almost wanted to walk over and say 'Do you mind if I hold your baby??' *sigh* And I have to temper that with the simple fact that I've never HAD kids - but...why wouldn't you want to hold your baby? She wasn't doing anything else - just staring at the soaps on tv, and occasionally rocking the carseat with her foot. Is that something that is a side effect of planning on being an breastfeeding mom kind of person? I mean - just looking at that baby, she was ASKING to be held in the only way she knew how. *sigh*  BESIDES the fact that there is no way in HELL I would put my child on the FLOOR in a doctors office. Ew. Ew. EWWW.  *sigh* And then, I thought - hmm...that'll teach the baby to ask for comfort and consolation. That'll teach her that if she want's Mom's attention, she's going to have to act out, cry, and scream. Hmmm....or it'll teach her that she doesn't deserve to get Mom's attention, and she'll start giving up, and finding other things (like the pacifier that was swiftly popped into her mouth) to comfort her. *sigh*

I'm hungry.... I haven't eaten lunch yet, and as it's almost 3, there's no way I'm going to go and get something. I had my nose to the keyboard since around 9:30 this morning, and FINALLY finished what I was working on about an hour ago - but of course, I wasn't hungry then. So instead I'm typing out this entry, and listening to my iPod on shuffle...currently playing: Sexy M.F.  by Prince.  *does a quick lil bop*

Hmm... I think I've run out of stuff to talk about. The world news just pisses me off everytime I read it, so I'm not going to rehash any of the various rants I've spewed this week. I need to start reading my doula books again. I need to clean my house (men just don't SEE dirt, do they??). I need to water my plants - we've got TWO tomatoes now. Still no habernos though... and the lettuce died - I think due to lack of water. *hangs head* I'm going to make some penne tonight (reusing noodles - I made some NASTY pasta salad (which I blame on C as he didn't let the pasta cook long enough) and as I used a WHOLE BOX of penne, I refuse to just throw the whole thing away. So I'm going to was the salad sauce off of it, stick it back in some boiling water for a second, and use some of the herbs from the garden to make a nice little cream pasta.... *licks lips* I have half of a Lenny's sandiwch at home (dammit, I should have brought THAT to work with me - silly girl) that I was thinking about eating - but if I go home and clean the kitchen, I'm going to want to cook too.

Okay. I'm done.

Have a good weekend, ya'll.

stuff.

Heavens, I needed that sleep. That's one thing I'm nervous about having kids over - the lack of extended periods of sleep. I'm getting worse and worse at staying up all night/going without sleep as I get older. Interesting - I wonder if that's another biological reason to have kids younger rather than older?

I was reading OD (which C doesn't read, if I've never made that clear - he knows about, but doesn't read - unless he's reading behind my back, and I doubt that.) last night after I picked him up, and he was sitting on the couch next to me, half watching TV, half dozing off. I realized as I scanned through my favorites, that about 2/3 of them had baby pictures on their entries. 2/3. And the only reason I noticed, is because I was wondering what C was seeing as the glanced at the screen/at me - and it was almost always baby pictures.

I smoke. Not sure how many people (who I haven't met) know that. My family doesn't know. My best friend saw me bum a smoke at the bachelorette party (as I didn't bring any, and refused to buy any, as my mother has an amazing nose) but she doesn't know I SMOKE. One of my other friends knows that I smoke, but he does too, so we amusingly comment on the levels of our addiction. There. I admitted it. Despite how much I stubbornly claiming not to be. I. AM.  A. SMOKER. 
C hates it. I used to smoke cloves (now THERE'S a gateway drug) and when I first went to Geneva, I couldn't find any (came to find out, they're illegal there. Found that out on one of my last trips. Freaked me out, as I had been bringing CASES over to tide me over the 4-6 week trips), so for the first few trips, once I ran out of cloves, I would smokes squares. As I was freaked out my the whole illegal thing (which amused the shit out of me, as weed is alegal. *snort*) I just started smoking squares. Now, my smoke of choice is Camel Turkish Jade (they're a menthol). And I'm hooked. I'm going to stop, as soon as I get my IUD out. 

Speaking of which, I've been dragging my feet on getting an OBGYN appt set up. I use a Keeper which requires you to get pretty darn initmate with your inner bits - which obviously, I have no trouble doing (thankfully, considering I wanna be a midwife!). What does bother me (and I haven't explored why I'm dragging my feet) is that every cycle since December, when I've used it, I've felt something hard and pointy poking at the tops of my fingers. I know that my cervix drops approaching/during my period, and I'm wondering if the IUD has shifted/partly explused itself. I went to a nurse-practicion shortly before I left Indy and she said that everything looked/felt fine - except that her length of my string seemed at odds with what I remembered it to be, and I wasn't on my period. She suggested that I go and get an ultrasound, which I was going to do - but then the whole moving thing interrupted me. And at this point, I just keep 'forgetting' to make the damn appointment - that';s not quite true. Everytime I THINK of it - it's the wrong time to call and make an appointment.  I'm going to go RIGHT NOW and set up a pretty little reminder e-card to arrive at my WORK email on Tuesday (Monday's are too hectic, and I wipe my email from the previous week) to remind me to set up the appointment.

I - I'm just rambling here. But. *deep breath* I've got to do something soon. I'm rambling from the guts here, and - *deep breath* I jsut don't know. I do know, but I know that what I know is simply NOT HAPPENING right now......and I get so damn frustrated at/with myself and C that - I don't know. It's a big fat purple elephant in the back of my brain. All the time. Even when I don't think it's there - it is.

And this is why I have to take a huge leap of insanity to buy an iPod. Because it's just for me and not for my dream. The Y, on the other hand is for the dream. It's just. *sigh* Ya know, I'm really too fucking logical sometimes.

*totally off topic aside* Has anyone else noticed that as your 'write in your diary' page uploads, the name of the editor is FCKeditor/fckEditor.somefileextension?? Heh. Think Bruce & his programming eleves had a bit of a time getting it set up? Also - the bar at the bottom of the page that normally tells you how much of your page has loaded? It changes the more you type in your window. I should try to find something with 30K characters and see if it hits full. *end of totally off topic aside*

And spoiled, really. Spoiled senseless. See - that's the real sign of being spoiled - when you spite YOURSELF because what you can get isn't what you want. Or is that logic too? Why settle for something less than your image of perfection? Even if it is something that you want - why rush it just because you're worried that if it doesn't happen now, it'll never happen? And it's spoiled because most people don't even - don't even consider it important. Most people blow off what you're having a big ass purple elephant sitting in your head about because it just.isn't.reasonable. It isn't. It's just NOT how things are most of the time. That's life in America. And I'm spoiled enough to refuse to accept that. To say that MY way is the highway, and no matter how much 'easier' it would be to just say fuck it and do it the 'normal' way. I'm not. I refuse. I will not. And I'm not sure if I'm more stubborn or smart, more spoiled or reasonable, more emotional or logical. It's too damn emotional to be logical - and I CAN'T talk to C about it because - because I can't. I can't dump this big fat load of bitterness and worry and fear on his head - there's nothing that can be done at this point to change it, and it won't make me feel any better. It'll just give me someone to gnaw at the elephant with dull teeth with me.

Gah. I think way too much.

Long term thoughts (or worrywarts)

Ohbloodyhell. Nothing can truly be planned, it can merely be sketched out. So - this is my 'plan'.

I get a new job paying more, work, pay off bills, save, then quit/go back to school/have a kid. Not definitely in that order.

*sigh*

I really need to talk to C. But - I have to figure out a way to talk to him that - that isn't as blunt as what I'm really thinking. *sigh* It's not that I expect to be able to live in the lap of luxury without lifting a finger to help.  It's not that I feel like I should  be supported. It's more that I don't feel like - like he will ever be stable enough for me to be able to rely on him FOR support. And *sigh* yes, yes I know - we're still both - relatively - young. And yes, I know that culinary is a - rocky field to look for stability in. But - dammit - I don't LIKE knowing that I'm carrying 90% of the load. And I don't like feeling like it's all on me to look into the future realistically and determine how I'm going to be sure that we have enough to live on - esp. considering that my career goals aren't ones that will bring in shiteloads of cash. It's not a proper partnership - and it's not that I don't appreciate his help - when he can - but *sigh* it's the long-term implications that worry me.

And I do know it's just a matter of time - patience so to speak. But - in the four years that we've been together, he's had....9 different jobs. None have lasted for more than a year - and he's been fired from all of them. And yes, there always seems to be some sort of  conflict between him & his supervisors that seems unfair - but I'm of course, only getting one side of the story. And listening to how he tells others of his experiences - and how - subtly twisted they are from what he's telling me - I wonder how much he's twisted the original circumstances to tell me the tale of what happened. And yes, I know that we all tend to view stuff in ways that aren't totally accurate....but if he isn't telling me the whole truth, is he telling himself the whole truth? And if he isn't telling himself the whole truth - how can he  possibly change his actions to get better results? *sigh* And he's only gotten UE for two of those.....
And - maybe it's just that....I'm judging him by my standards....and no - I don't know what's going on - and yes, I do understand his drive to make himself a success, and yes, I know that's going to require some rockiness and instabilty, but *sigh* I don't - I don't understand how what he's doing/done - helps him in the long term. *sigh*
Basically, I don't like it. I use the past as a predictor of the future, and - based on the past, the future is on me.

What would it take for me to feel comfortable? *sigh* Have him keep a job for more than 18 months. A good job - ie. not paying minimum wage. And even then - *sigh* how can I possibly make plans to release our real only steady source of income in order to do what makes me happy - when I know that at any point he can be out of a job? But hell - in this economy - does it really matter WHAT field he is in - or even me - as far as job stability goes?

Money. Gah!

Well - what really needs to happen? Once I'm out of debt - car, credit cards, student loans, sundry loans - then - at least all we'll have to worry about is the day to day expenses - and heaven knows, I know how to make those as minimal as possible. And it's always the point after that that tweaks my innards. Let's say that I pay off all of my debt - and C. pays off all of his. Then we have a kid. And I stop working. The only source of cash would be him - even to pay our day to day expenses. And - a house? school for me? school for the kids? *sigh* I don't WANT to have to calculate every penny of everything even when he IS working because we never know when he might be out of work.

And he knows - yes - he knows what I want to do long-term. And yes, we've always discussed that once we start having kids, I'm going to stop working. And yes, he knows that I want to go to back to school. I guess, what he doesn't knowis my fear that I can't depend on him to help me make all of that happen. Or maybe he's just so damn - laidback that he hasn't really thought of the economic impact of all of his - and that's all I can seem to think about somedays.

Gah. I think I worry to damn much. I'm going to make a sandwich.

So....

Did I have a miscarriage? Possbily - I took the pregnancy test too late to know for sure - since I didn't take it until I got back from Florida - so I might have been pregnant before I left Indy, and not realized it.

The IUD is mostly out, by the way - the string is pratically hanging OUT of me, and I can feel the bottom of the T (sharp little bugger it is) coming out of my cervix. I actually hope that I'm still on my period when I get home - it will most likely be easier to remove then. But - the the question becomes - do I get a new one? Do we toss in the towel and start trying? I'm going to have to have a nice long talk with Corey - I know that I can't afford a baby right now, and - sigh - with his ever so flexible job situation, - it it in the least bit wise for us to even consider? I mean shit, we might be a right fertile pair and get pregnant next month. And then - if that happens - that totally wipes out us going to Speke - would I be willing to move with a 1 month old? Shit - I'd be so out of the damn loop after maternity leave....*sigh* Money.

So. With a baby - there are really three choices.

1. I stay home with the baby - clearly, my personal favorite, and just as clearly, so unbloody fucking likely as I make the most money.


2. C stays home with the baby - reasonable  - his financial situation is precarious enough - if we continue to live where we are I can come home for afternoon feedings and so forth.


3. We put the baby in daycare - utterly unreasonable, as heaven knows that I can't afford it alone, and it would suck to have to pull the baby in and out based on whether C has a job or not.

Okay - I want choice one - badly, badly, badly.

So - let's look at it this way - what's my total debt load?

  7277.00 - Students Loans
    300.00 - Nordstroms Card
16357.00 - Car, Credit Card, EZ Loan
----------------------------------------------
23934.00 - Total Debts

Divided by ten - ten months, I'd have to pay roughly two grand a month - and of course, that's not including the usual monthly bills - rent, cell phone, electricity, insurance. Which means I'd roughly have to double my income. But still - it's only 25K. It's not totally outrageous. And I haven't even looked at Corey's bills. *sigh*

Boy - the lottery would be nice. Even 40K - that would seriously set us up. But....well. *sigh* Maybe I can write a book and get a fat advance. :) hm.

Edit:
And I'm an utterly horrid, horrid, horrid woman, as I wonder how much life insurance my grandmother has. *shakes head* Or my aunt for that reason, but I doubt that I'm a beneficiary.

conflicting.

I know that money can't make you happy - but lately it seems like all of my UNhappiness is directly due to a low level of the aforementioned green stuff.
The restaurant (no surprise here) is trying to screw C out of a week and a half of pay. *lays head on desk* and it's so fucking frustrating that we even have to care.
And it's not that I feel like we shouldn't HAVE to worry about money - I mean - that's just a part of life for 90% of us, right? It's just that - I'm soo tired of it. I really wish I didn't have to care.
And then I'm just so farking emotional ANYHOW - this has been a very rough PMS period.
And I really want our spur of the moment honeymoon to go well, and we were really relying on this last check of his to be sure that everything was covered, and the thing that makes it even worse is that if Da fucks this up - it isn't like I/we can even DO anything. It sucks. and it's tiring.

And really - I don't want/need to be rich. I just - *sigh* I just want to live the life that I want.....and we're too unstable and too broke to do it.
Unless of course, we do the whole dropping out and claiming bankruptcy thing - which wouldn't help in the long term.

I'm going to be 28 in 3 weeks, and - I"m not nearly where I wanted to be now, and I look back to see what I could have done different - and in truth, I don't think I would have done ANYTHING different - because doing anything different too early would have made me miss out on C - and without him, I wouldn't be here anyway.

*sigh*
*sigh*
I should have a hunkof cheese on my desk to go with this whine - cuz I KNOW I'm whining, and I know that I've got no room to whine, but I'm so damn dissapointed over this whole thing in ways that I'm so tired and sad about mulling over that - it's just sad.

I'm such a brat. Maybe that's just it - what I'm reaching for -what I want - is something that I'm simply not going to have - and I'm utterly terrified by the thought that I might have to switch my whole dream of what I ultimately want out of my life around simply because we can't afford it. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry. And as I get older, and it seems to be more and more likely that hey -we're not going to become independantly wealthy anytime soon, and we've only got a one in a million chance of wininng the lottery, and we've got too much debt to pay it off on my check (within the next couple of years or so) and his carrer is so fucking unstable and isn't likely to change anytime soon and I'm scared that I'm traveling down my mothers path but he's so much better and I know that isn't true....*deep breath* and it all swirls around in my head and I finally settle and realize that maybe I've been deluding myself all along in thinking that I wouldn't have to take the path that almost every other woman of my generation (and half the women of my mothers generation) had to take. We can't afford for me not to work. And using the past as a predictor of the future - we won't be able to afford me not working for a while.
And even if C did find a job, and it looked like we would beableto afford me not working - how can I trust that he won't just be summarily dismissed like he was this time?

yes, I worry too much - but this is what I've wanted to do my whole life - hell, since I was 13.  I've known that all I really want is to be a mother - a fully involved, cookie baking, breadstfeeding, fertile and loving as fuck, STAY AT HOME, mother.  That's been my dream for so long - and everything I've done since graduating has been in effort to get there - and here I am - 6 years later - and further away from being able to do that than I was then. And I'm terrified that if we wait too much longer, we are going to need help to have kids,andshit - we canbarely afford one the regular way - any issues would basically mean that we won't have kids of our own and - *deepbreath* that would really suck.

And I feel so fucking ungrateful for even VOICING this - I've got a roof over my head, a car to drive in, shoes on my feet, a lovely job - and I'm still miserable that I can't get what I really want.

And I haven't been able to tell C this, because - good lord, what's better than unfairly losing your job, besides your wife crying all over you because her hopes of you being able to support her (if need be) have gone up in smoke (again?).
And I try to be nice when he talks about the future, and all these wonderful, wonderful plans he has, and I try so hard to be supportive, but deep in my heart all I can see is a future where he gets to stay home and I have to work - because one of us has to watch the kids since we can't afford daycare - and what he could make wouldn't be enough to cover daycare - and i've already got the stable job. And once again - here I am whining about something that isn't even a problem for me yet and is a problem for plenty of other people who are dealing with it...and I'm still quite selfishly miserable.

*shrugs*

And I think what makes me so bloody sad about it - is I HONESTLY don't know what to do to change it. Okay - that's not quite true. I know what I need to do to change it - but guess what? I don't even have the capital to launch what might save us - save my dream.

*thumps head on desk*

I just want to go home, and go to sleep. That's all.

oohh...this might be bad

I've been having a bit of a rough time transitioning to having C home alllll the time. I love him dearly, and love being with/around him - but him being home means that I have no alone time.

I get up - take a shower, drive to work - ten minutes of just me - but it's not soo good, cuz I've just woke up. I work all day with people - interacting and so forth - then drive home - another 10 minutes of blessed aloneness. And that's IT.

And I realized today - as I was outside for a fresh air break - that the reason it drives me SO batty is that I have a hard time thinking - at least semideep me to me thinking - when I'm NOT alone. And that thinking - it keeps me - calm and connected.

But! What happens when we have kids? Alone time, from what I've gathered from other parents - is just GONE, except for when the other parent takes the children away for a while. Will I be able to think with a baby around? Or a toddler? Eep! And if I can't think - good lord, I WILL go crazy.

But - my beloved hubby is here to take me to lunch - so more later.

 

I'm this kind of Freaky (not yet a) Mama

You're a girl power mommy! You love to be girly,
but you're no pushover. Your kids are learning
that gender differences don't have to mean
gender inequality. You've taken back pink, and
you don't care who knows it!

What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Trauma

A couple of weeks ago, somehow I got on the subject of circumcision with C. I think I just asked him whether or not he would want to circumsize his sons....and of course his answer was yes. I cringed - I couldn't help it - and started a discussion of why. I got the usual answers - 'so he'll look like me' - 'it's cleaner' - 'it's healthier'. And ya know - I can get with all that....but I can't get with putting my hypothetical son through more pain than he has ever experienced in his young life for a cosmetic choice. We parted - agreeing to disagree at this point in time.

I was reading an entry of Timmy's where he was talking about the regrowth of his 'fauxskin' and that put the bug up my bum to go and check out some circ sites. *deep breath*

I actively looked for 'balanced' sites - so that when I presented it to C. it wouldn't be some mad radical rantings. And - I thought that circumcision.org was a rather balanced site - it presented the times when circumcision is medically needed (which you can't determine until the kid is four or so) and the history of circumcision (didja know it became popular in the States as a way to stop boys from mastrabating?) and - pictures of an infant circumcision. I'm still slightly nauseated - and normally I'm totally cool with bloodish pictures. But - that? to a week old child? so he'll LOOK right? And potentially WITHOUT anesthesia since it came make the already tiny member swell to the point that the circ will be 'incomplete'?

So - I thought - okay - let's try to find some 'reliable' sites. The American Association of Pediatrics states that circumcision is NOT medically necessary, nor is there any proof that an uncircumsized man has a higher rate of catching STD's (circ'd or not - use a damn condom!), UTI's or penile cancer. And - the care of an infant uncir'ed is actually EASIER - because you don't have a open wound to deal with - nor do you have any risk on the kid getting infected from unire or feces in the open wound. The AAP was even kind enough to provide information on the care of an uncirc'd baby - you just wash it. You don't have to pull it back (in fact that is a BAD idea as it's still partially joined to the glans and you can cause tearing and bleeding by doing that) and you don't have to take any special care. Once the child is older - all he has to do is pull back the foreskin, wash under it with soap and water, and rinse. I don't have a dick - but damn that sounds easy. And the smega? Girls produce the SAME thing - and in slightly larger amounts - yet in the States we prosecute people who try to cut their daughters labia's off so they won't mastrabate and so they stay cleaner - instead, we teach our daughters how to wash their bits.

So far - I hadn't seen a single thing that said, or even suggested - you will do harm to your son if you don't get this done. In fact - so far everything I had seen and read suggested that you inflict more pain and do more harm by getting it done. But - people still do it - why? So - I went looking for some pro-circ sites. *sigh* Three were obviously jewish, and one *shudder* one was just a weeeeee bit fetishtic. Outside of religion (and arguements about cleanliness which the AAP squashed - and sometimes, yeah - I will listen to the good doc's) I didn't find a single pressing reason to put a infant through a 'minor surgical procedure' in the first week of his life so that his ding-dong would look right. Hell - they even wait longer than that for children who were born with FACIAL defects.

So - I'm not sure when, but at some point I'm going to sit down with C and go through these websites - I'll save the pictures for last. I'm not sure what I would do if one we had a son he would still want him circumsized - I'm not sure how far I would go to protect my child. I know that I would make sure that he watched the procedure to see exactly what he is putting his son through for cosmetics, and I think I would cry. Yeah, I would definitely cry. Before I saw the pictures I cringed at the thought of doing it - afterwards - I think I'd be sobbing knowing that the child I cherished, nourished, and protected inside of me for nine (ten really) months was going through that kind of pain for NO GOOD REASON. I'd be traumatized.

Love Letter to a Snoring Man & Unborn Child

So - most of the day has gone by. C. is back - sleep on the couch again. I'm still here though - buzzed on rum, playing with my tongue ring, wondering if we are still on the right path. I can't doubt it though, simply because I'm so happy. I love him...without even the least hint of a shadow of a doubt. He IS my love.

Sometimes I wonder how I defined love without him. The looks he has on his face - the fact that I can truly understand him - even when I don't agree. I think sometimes that is a huge part of what is pushing me towards reproduction. I want to see what he & me are together, truly - together without a hope of never being together.

 

That's rather scary actually...I suppose that if I think of OUR children being that - an irrevocable expression of the best of the two of us - I am myself (hopefully) the best of my mother and father. What would I have been if my father had shaped me (actively) as much as my mother had? I'm granting him the option of having shaped me passively - shaped me by the very fact of not being there...but what sort of woman would I be if my father WAS there - shaping me by the effect of his personality??

 

Hm. Well - any way - I love him. Sleepy, snoring, sex-fiend and all - I love him. *gigglees* Truly - like a journal of old -  I do love him. And with a mature, level-headed look at it all - I'm going to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

Heaven! on earth. That's what marriage is. And because it's on earth it's not all perfection. Sometimes in blissful, sometimes it's painful - but it's always heaven. The - simple certainty of him BEING there - sometimes that's all that I need. :)

 

I should tell him these things - rather than telling ya'll. I should be able to express these things without the influence of alcohol - but at no other time am I so honest - with others or with myself.

 

*smile* I LOVE him. Like I would love a child of my flesh. Like I did love a child of my flesh. *sigh* I would be less than I am  - every day, all day - without him. The best sort of support is the one that you don't even realize you have.

 

I love you baby - today and everyday. *kisses* As cheesey as it is - you DO complete me.

---

 

 

In a slightly less disgustingly gooey vein of thinking (and WHY is my font so small??) I doubt that we will  go to see LOR:ROTK tomorrow. Somehow, the likelihood of ME awaking before noon (I won't even try to  blame it on C.) is low to nil. And as C. knows how much of a bitch I am when I am awakened early - yeah, just Joe's. Heh.  We came to an agreement - Joe's crab shack it shall be. Yum! Crabs & butter - Atkins heaven.

 

And yes - I would give up LOR:ROTK in order for him to see the RR on time. Okay - beyond anything ELSE I've said - that shit is scary. I'm not sure which is more scary - the fact that I'm  willing to give up what I would like for him, or the fact that I myself actually wanna see RR in some ways. :) yeah - I guess I'm not as bougie as Papi makes me out to be.

 

*googoo eyes* He's my baby. Mercy - that clears up in so many ways why babies break up relationships... the man goes from being the 'baby' to being the 'daddy' - what a huge leap in perception!

 

Yes - I do want to be a mother. *sigh* I dream it, I crave it - the challenges, the responsibilties - I just don't want to have to work for a living while I do it.  *laughs* C. asked me earlier today if I would follow him where-ever his career led him.  I told him I would - as long as I could either have a job that paid as well as my current one does, or he paid my bills. *sigh* That's all I ask - either pay me for being a dedicated mother, or let me free myself from the requirements of debt before I become a mother. Hm. Either or....I'd excell at both. I'd honestly be weepily, hopelessly, utterly traumatized if I had to leave my little one - I'd DO it - but oh! how unhappy I would be. I'd have to cosleep - just to heal MYSELF of the wounds from being away from my little one throughout the day.

 

Yeah - even love is limited by money. Cursed gold.

 

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, and I'll be one of those mother who can drop the kid, and move on with my life without a hiccup at all.

 

Nah....I'm cold - but heaven knows little people melt every once of ice in me. *sigh*

Blurbles

All day, I've had random little thoughts come blurbling up into my head, and I haven't had time to jot them down - which is most likely what caused the headache I now have. However, I'm finally home, sitting in what must be the MOST comfortable chair ever, staring out of the porch window at a heavy rainfall, with a lovely bowl and a big cup of water next to me - and finally I can let all those blurbles out.
Excuse me.

I look down now, and instead of seeing a little pooch of belly through my shirt, I see nothing but softly waving cloth. Why does this make me feel like a battleship? I wish there was a way that I could test my thyroid at home - just to see if I have any issues. I'm doing the SAME thing that I've done before, being a little more active and eating a little less, and yet my weight loss has SLOWED to an almost halt. I'd hate to go into my doctor "Oh - I want a thyroid test to see if I can blame something outside of myself (figuratively speaking) for my slow progress". Hm. I'll have to look for one.

Why do so many people know my name - and why didn't I notice it before?

I've got babyfever, and I've got it bad - and somehow stumbling across all these attachment parenting/natural mothers on OD isn't helping the LEAST bit. I'm slowly becoming utterly terrifed that I will be one of the women who has a sick pregnancy and won't even be able to enjoy the joy & wonder that is being pregnant cuz of all the nausea and retching. Eep. I have to keep chanting to myself "I don't want to have a baby until I can afford to take at LEAST 6 months off and stay home with it" in order to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Interesting tidbit on A'ishah - the ONLY thing that I have ALWAYS known I've wanted to be is a mother. Only and always. Damn shame it doesn't pay.

I cleaned and cooked and read (3 OR 4 different books) and slept and ate and was with Corey and did a tiny bit of cleaning and spent only 1.60 (yay me!) and met some utterly fabulous homebirthing type people and just in general had a riproaringly fabulous weekend. OF course, I'm so very sure that taking Friday off had something to do with it, but I'm going to pretend like I don't know that and make EVERY weekend this wonderful.

I didn't manage to start on the Artist's Way however...

There are somethings that I want to do, but don't because I would feel like such a poser doing them. Somehow, I can't seen to consiously tell myself "Everyone started from a place of unknowing" and that I won't instantly have the knowledge and connections and know how of some of the people I meet. I must stop mistaking experience for determination. I think that may be why I miss school so - I miss being a part of a group of people going from unknowing to knowing at the same time and at roughly the same pace.

I talked to BOTH of my best friends yesterday - a first in I can't remember how long. M. had good news and bad news - the bad was he's not coming to the wedding *sob* the good - he got accepted into his doctoral program (which is why he can't make the wedding) *yay*. I do plan on rubbing in the guilt, and dammit I wish I had known earlier and I would have tried to make it home to suprise him at his graduation from gradschool. Ah well - I guess I won't see him again until the end of the year. It's going to be odd getting married without him there.
N. sounds like a stressed-out single mom - she's soo bloody ambitious that I don't know whether to pity her or admire her. I suppose I pity where she is now, and admire her drive to get where she wants to be. I wish I was closer to all of them. It seems like since the last time I was home, we've all made efforts to keep in touch with each other more. It's good - for awhile there I was afraid we we've drifting apart. Of course, N and M ARE drifting apart since the dumb fart hasn't called her since the baby was born. Which was in SEPTEMBER. I honestly don't understand why he does that to people - I mean I'm BAD, but not that bad.

I try so hard not to be holier than thou. It's sickening when I hear it coming from me, but dammit I know so much! I know and am more than aware that sometimes (a lot of times) I really don't know shit, but when I do know I want to share and I'm not sure how my 'sharing' is taken all the time. I think that is another reason why I have gone so quiet lately. I sometimes feel like what I'm saying has no value, and thus people easily dismiss me. Maybe I'm being too sensetive. (Yet another word I can never spell right). Or maybe it does have value and I'm talking to the wrong crowd so it would just be best if I shut up anyhow.

I have very good hearing and sense of smell - my mom always told me it was to make up for my piss-poor vision. Now that I can see 20/20 - will that advantage fade, or am I stuck with it? I still get paranoid about the peepers despite the fact that according to my doctor I would be a LASIK poster child. Every headache I get - I fret. Every dry eye - I freak out. Every instance of 'odd' vision, I think I'm going to go blind. They are very minor, very low grade freakouts - but my heart starts thumping all the same. I've got no CLUE of what normal healthy eyesight is like - so I assume that everything out of the ordinary is bad/dangerous - when in fact it might be quite normal.

Corey was overqualified for the transfer job. (Have I mentioned this already?) He has his eye out on several other jobs, and - I'm just such a party pooper. I have a very clear line drawn between wishing and reality - i.e. I wouldn't even CONSDIER looking at ads for Jaguars if I'm trying to stay under 15K in buying a car. He, on the other hand would. To him, it's just exploring the full range of possiblities - even if they are IMpossibilities. To me, it's just a waste of time. So - it's like that in his job search always. He will get excited about jobs that either aren't in the area or he doesn't have the qualifications for - and rather than get wrapped up in the magic of the description - I zoom right into the qualifactions or the location. Why get excited about something that has little possibility of even occuring? But - I've learned to tone down my UltraSensible voice, and bask in the occasional magic of what-if with him. I still always come back to ground first.

I think I might have allergies to something in Indiana. I lived in Atlanta (The Allergy Capital of the US) for 6 years with no allergytype issues. The FIRST spring I lived here, I thought I was going to die from some of the migraine like sinus headaches I had. Since then, every spring I've gotten this sudden spate of sinus headaches. And of course, I HATE HATE HATE taking OTC medicine of ANY kind - I've got to be reallllllly hard up to take an asprin, so I simply sit in silence and darkness, or take a nap until the headache fades away. Really - I need to leave before it turns into something more.

Naming

What's in a name? We are given them when we are born, and they follow us through the rest of our lives. For women - they sometimes change with marriage, but that first name - it sticks. I've never really been too fond of my first name - it doesn't turn into a cool nickname, and it's always seemed so BLAND. So - me being me - I've come up with a couple of other names I use rather often.

Jasmyn is my online name and I've used for so long it feels like it's really my name. It's gotten bad enough that if someone yells out "Jasmyn!" in a store - my head will pop up. If scraggly looking men ask me what my name is - it's always Jasmyn. Jasmyn is my alterego - the chick that I really WANT to be - and luckily she's not that different from the chick I am. She's a little bolder, and little more flexible, a little more open...but in the main, she's me.

Then there's A'ishah - my middle name. I've ALWAYS loved my middle name, and when I was younger I was quite fascinated by the 'original' A'ishah - the Prophet Muhammad's favorite and youngest wife. She reminded me of me a little - young, brash, a little rebellious, usually causing trouble - a classic teenager, really. As I got older - and that DAMN ABC song came out - I've tended to shy away from using it - but for some reason when I started this diary, I wanted to use a name that was really mine.

Then there's my current last name. I was born with the last name McFarland - my mother was actually traditional enough to give me the sperm donors last name. I was two when she changed both of our last names to our current one - which is intensely and totally Arabic. Mind you - I LOOK like an African American, not an African or Arabian person, nor do I have an accent - yet I will get regularly asked where I'm from, and I've been told that I look like I'm from Ethopia or Nigeria. It's interesting the assumptions that people bring up when they hear my last name. And we aren't even going to TALK aout how horribly people butcher the spelling and pronunciation of my name. Even after I tell them that it is spelled EXACTLY how it sounds - it rarely sinks in. I've gotten to the point that anytime I spell my name over the phone I have to do the phonetic version "B as in Boy, D as in Dog" - and yet I will STILL get items in the mail in which my name has been utterly warped into something different.

My new last name is almost a blessing after this one. It's not a super common last name, but it's so easy to prounouce, understand and spell, that I ALMOST don't mind changing it. I'm still going to keep my last name (I can't give it up THAT easily) but - I will most likely use my new name all the time. I still haven't settled in my head WHY I want to keep my old name if I only plan on using the new, but then, I haven't really thought about it that much either.

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We've already picked out our children's names...and I'm not sure if that is a bad thing or a good thing. People often tell me that sometimes the name you pick changes when you actually SEE the kid, but the both of us are stuborn enough to want to keep them. The first boy will naturally be a Jr. despite all my pleas to the contrary, and the first girl will be Anjali Rylah. The middle name is a combo of both our mothers first names. It means jack-all, but it sounds good - and it's not utterly complex to spell. Anjali is a bastardazation of Anjelica - which is Spanish for 'Little Angel'. Yes, we are being quite the optimists. :)
I hope they like their names - but if they don't - I know I won't feel bad if they change it. After your apperance, your name is the thing most people learn next - and it's only right that they have a name that they feel fully represents who they are...