stuff.

Heavens, I needed that sleep. That's one thing I'm nervous about having kids over - the lack of extended periods of sleep. I'm getting worse and worse at staying up all night/going without sleep as I get older. Interesting - I wonder if that's another biological reason to have kids younger rather than older?

I was reading OD (which C doesn't read, if I've never made that clear - he knows about, but doesn't read - unless he's reading behind my back, and I doubt that.) last night after I picked him up, and he was sitting on the couch next to me, half watching TV, half dozing off. I realized as I scanned through my favorites, that about 2/3 of them had baby pictures on their entries. 2/3. And the only reason I noticed, is because I was wondering what C was seeing as the glanced at the screen/at me - and it was almost always baby pictures.

I smoke. Not sure how many people (who I haven't met) know that. My family doesn't know. My best friend saw me bum a smoke at the bachelorette party (as I didn't bring any, and refused to buy any, as my mother has an amazing nose) but she doesn't know I SMOKE. One of my other friends knows that I smoke, but he does too, so we amusingly comment on the levels of our addiction. There. I admitted it. Despite how much I stubbornly claiming not to be. I. AM.  A. SMOKER. 
C hates it. I used to smoke cloves (now THERE'S a gateway drug) and when I first went to Geneva, I couldn't find any (came to find out, they're illegal there. Found that out on one of my last trips. Freaked me out, as I had been bringing CASES over to tide me over the 4-6 week trips), so for the first few trips, once I ran out of cloves, I would smokes squares. As I was freaked out my the whole illegal thing (which amused the shit out of me, as weed is alegal. *snort*) I just started smoking squares. Now, my smoke of choice is Camel Turkish Jade (they're a menthol). And I'm hooked. I'm going to stop, as soon as I get my IUD out. 

Speaking of which, I've been dragging my feet on getting an OBGYN appt set up. I use a Keeper which requires you to get pretty darn initmate with your inner bits - which obviously, I have no trouble doing (thankfully, considering I wanna be a midwife!). What does bother me (and I haven't explored why I'm dragging my feet) is that every cycle since December, when I've used it, I've felt something hard and pointy poking at the tops of my fingers. I know that my cervix drops approaching/during my period, and I'm wondering if the IUD has shifted/partly explused itself. I went to a nurse-practicion shortly before I left Indy and she said that everything looked/felt fine - except that her length of my string seemed at odds with what I remembered it to be, and I wasn't on my period. She suggested that I go and get an ultrasound, which I was going to do - but then the whole moving thing interrupted me. And at this point, I just keep 'forgetting' to make the damn appointment - that';s not quite true. Everytime I THINK of it - it's the wrong time to call and make an appointment.  I'm going to go RIGHT NOW and set up a pretty little reminder e-card to arrive at my WORK email on Tuesday (Monday's are too hectic, and I wipe my email from the previous week) to remind me to set up the appointment.

I - I'm just rambling here. But. *deep breath* I've got to do something soon. I'm rambling from the guts here, and - *deep breath* I jsut don't know. I do know, but I know that what I know is simply NOT HAPPENING right now......and I get so damn frustrated at/with myself and C that - I don't know. It's a big fat purple elephant in the back of my brain. All the time. Even when I don't think it's there - it is.

And this is why I have to take a huge leap of insanity to buy an iPod. Because it's just for me and not for my dream. The Y, on the other hand is for the dream. It's just. *sigh* Ya know, I'm really too fucking logical sometimes.

*totally off topic aside* Has anyone else noticed that as your 'write in your diary' page uploads, the name of the editor is FCKeditor/fckEditor.somefileextension?? Heh. Think Bruce & his programming eleves had a bit of a time getting it set up? Also - the bar at the bottom of the page that normally tells you how much of your page has loaded? It changes the more you type in your window. I should try to find something with 30K characters and see if it hits full. *end of totally off topic aside*

And spoiled, really. Spoiled senseless. See - that's the real sign of being spoiled - when you spite YOURSELF because what you can get isn't what you want. Or is that logic too? Why settle for something less than your image of perfection? Even if it is something that you want - why rush it just because you're worried that if it doesn't happen now, it'll never happen? And it's spoiled because most people don't even - don't even consider it important. Most people blow off what you're having a big ass purple elephant sitting in your head about because it just.isn't.reasonable. It isn't. It's just NOT how things are most of the time. That's life in America. And I'm spoiled enough to refuse to accept that. To say that MY way is the highway, and no matter how much 'easier' it would be to just say fuck it and do it the 'normal' way. I'm not. I refuse. I will not. And I'm not sure if I'm more stubborn or smart, more spoiled or reasonable, more emotional or logical. It's too damn emotional to be logical - and I CAN'T talk to C about it because - because I can't. I can't dump this big fat load of bitterness and worry and fear on his head - there's nothing that can be done at this point to change it, and it won't make me feel any better. It'll just give me someone to gnaw at the elephant with dull teeth with me.

Gah. I think way too much.