Holy. Shit. I'm online at home again (must remember to wipe history) and I was catching up on my notes, and I just reread my previous entry.
HolyShit. When I talk about when I'm the most randy - the most horny - here, I'll copy it for you:
I'm hornier when I'm carefree. When I don't have to worry/think/stay aware of ANYTHING. When I know that I'm being taken care OF, I turn into a little gooey puddle of sex and raunch. When I'm totally relaxed - no where to be, nothing to do, no bills to worry about, no house to clean - basically if I'm in vacation mode, I can be - and am - very - frisky. And - it's hard for me to get there now, because I am - adult, I suppose. I do have to think about what needs to happen tomorrow, and whether the cat box is clean, and whether I've sent off enough money to cover the cable bill. I am that responsible, step-vacuuming, dishwasher loading person. And truly, I DON'T mind. But at the same time, it puts me into a place where I am not footloose and fancyfree.
Earlier in my diary, I had mentioned that if I could stay home, and be taken care of (financially) he'd get it every night - and I still think that's true. Hell, I actually think it's even MORE true. If I didn't have to worry about making it to work on time, if I wasn't focused on whether the sheets needed to be cleaned, if I - if I could just LIVE without all the nasty fiduciary concerns that are required to live - I would be a very different woman
Rereading that (after catching up on all my faves and adding a few new ladies) I realized. I'm a sub. As in submissive. As in - hah, I want to be the spankee, not the spanker. And, I also realized something else, rather sad. My husband will NEVER be able to dominate me. Just - period. We've never had that kind of relationship - if anything, I've been more dominant, and - holyshit - I mean. And - he's simply not the KIND of Dom I would need. We've played around with it - and the only way I can get off without being ENOURMOUSLY frustrated is to basically 'top' him. In fact, sex when I'm in control and deliciously tormenting him is usally the best - talk about orgasmic waterfalls. Or maybe it's the best because I'm a bit of a control freak? And - wow. I'm realizing that the simple fact that he CAN'T take care of me almost insures he'll never be my Dom. And since that's what our relationship was built on - it makes even more sense. Wow.
I've always been into BDsM - but always very much on the fringe. I KNEW it turned me on - rawr! rawr! (Beauty, anyone?? *flutters*moist*) but I could never really settle in my mind whether I was a top or a bottom - it seemed to flucuate somehow - which makes sense, as I am somewhat dominant (read - an anal Capricorn control freak) - but can be (and have been) VERY submissive for the right fellow. In fact - one of the best fuckbuddies/friends/lovers I've ever had - Jc (I need to write an entry or two about him) got me to do shit that I've never done with/for Corey. *laugh* He was the man who gave me my dicksucker award - because I would, and did, and ENJOYED sucking his dick - I think the longest I ever went was an hour and a half - and he came 3 times. Heh. I LOVED it - it gave me the biggest power rush EVER. Something, that I've noticed I've never gotten from *thinks* anyone.
*blinks* I'm sitting here, with my stomach all in knots, and my ass feeling hot, in total SHOCK. I mean. Shit. Me?? a SUBMISSIVE???
Hah - explains all of those 'secluded princess', 'naughty niece' and 'horny harem girl' fantasies I have floating around. Holy SHiT. So much - so much of my kink is settling into place. My frustration about having to EXPLAIN to him what I want. My almost insistence on pleasuring, rather than being pleased. The fact that people getting angry at me I can handle without a twitch, but someone being DISAPPOINTED in me makes me wanna cry. The occasional desire for pain with my pleasure (I'll take that on the side, please). The delighted thrill I get from inflicting pain. The constant guilty feeling interest in those damn 'Gor' books I refuse to buy because I know I'm either going to love them or hate them - and if I love them, I'm going to be pissed that I didn't buy the whole set, and if I hate them, I'm going to be pissed that I DID buy the whole set. Even if the kink turns me on, if the writing is shit, I won't be able to get past it.
Hell - my occasional obsession (me, antiwar peace nik, hippe earth mama not yet a mother me) with going to BOOT CAMP. My through arousal at being treated like a little slut (see Samson - ANOTHER muthafucker who I've done things for/to that I haven't done with my husband!!! - though he was a liar, so anyway...)
*fans self*
Talk about a bloody golden halo opening up over my head. JAYSUS.
*blinks* My head hurts, seriously. I didn't feel this shocked when I figured out I was bi. *blinks* Holy shit. What the hell am I going to do about THIS?
*blinks* Of course, I have just smoked half a bowl of the good cheeba, and I could be delusionally reading more into this. But shit. It REALLY makes waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy too much sense. All the slightly off, rather kinky shit that turns me on (though I'd die of pure embrassment to admit it) fits into this. It all fits the same bloody pattern.
I was considering going to a book convention in Atlanta in Sept, and that's where Jc lives. We still talk occasionally, and I always feel a little sad that I'm not the voraciously sexual woman he remembers, and very relived that he honors my wedding vows as I do. Considering being in Atl in 3 months was the final impetus for me to go and sign up at a gym - because I KNOW that I would see him, and I wanted to be utterly iressistible. Now, I'm actually afraid to go.
*deep sigh*
I'm SERIOUSLY going to have to sleep on this one.
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