I like the idea of an oldschool, romantic, swooning, he is mine and I am his kinda relationship. Where I know that I DON'T need him, but I want to feel everyday like I do. I'm much more comfortable with this concept of submission - emotional and mental more than persistently physical.
But one thing that is repeated is trust. Trust in the man to make the right choices. Trust in putting the last word in his hands. And the delicate ability to give him the right to make that decision, and still gently correct him where he proves to be wrong. I've noticed myself doing that more lately - or getting more irritated because he just WOULDN'T make a decision - and basically made me feel like all the responsibilty rests on me.
shit...must run.
I had to go and pick him up last night - kinda lost track of time. Anyhow, continuing on....
As I read more and more - I'm vacilating. I know that our relationship isn't working right now - I DO harbor some bitterness, and some reserve, and some uncertainty that what we have now is what I need - much less what HE needs. And - I'm willing, nay eager, to find SOMETHING that will let us both be happy. I think that I know what would make me happy - but I'm not sure if that is what he wants - what's his image of a perfect relationship? I think that what we have NOW might be his image (minus the craptastic sex life) and - I know that it's not mine. And because I know that what we have now doesn't makes him happy, and it doesn't make me happy either - what steps can be taken to make us both happy?
And yeah - there's always the awareness that sex every other day is really alllllll he needs at this point - but I need more. And maybe - hopefully, I'll be able to figure out what I NEED to be happy......besides the inital comments that started this whole exploration.
I've always had a really - clear view - on the kind of relationships I admired - hell, even the first screenick I made for the both of us reflected what I really wanted - I want to be a Sultana. The Sultan's wife, his number one love, his - amor, his angel, his queen. *laugh* I always believed that I would be a wonderful princess/number one harem girl.
How would that change our relationship now - as far as how I would feel/act? I'm going to try very hard to ignore the financial aspects implicit in all of those scenarios.
Okay - my main concerns in life would be our house, and our relationship. I would be able to handle, manage, and organize both - and still be able to enjoy the things that interest me. I would feel like we are equal partners - both focused on taking care of us, despite the fact that we do that in different ways. Maybe the biggest thing is that I would feel like - no, I would KNOW that he cared about our lives/home together as much as I do.
And ya know - writing that out, I think that I might be being utterly unfair to him. He DOES care about us - hell, sometimes I think he cares about us more than I do. But - dammit. It all comes back to the little things - the actual actions, and not the emotions. I straighten up. I clean the house. I wash the clothes. I make sure the cats have food and their litter is clean. I keep track of the bills. I handle most of our interactions with the outside world. I support us in almost all ways - including financial. And a lot of the time, I feel like he's just sitting back, garnering all of the benefits of my hard work (not that I don't benefit as well - I DO!!) without actually equally shouldering the load.
I constantly FEEL dominant - that if I just sat down and said - No more - nothing, literally nothing that makes a house a home would get done. If I didn't set up the internet bill pay, none of our bills would get paid. If I didn't suggest we go grocery shopping, we would live off of delivery and fast food (which we really can't afford). If I didn't think about the long-term effects of EVERYTHING, we'd be screwed. A small, but detailed example. We haven't paid the rent yet. Why? Because we can't find the checkbook. I don't USE checks - guess who was the last one to have had the checkbook? Ummhmm, it wasn't me. I'm almost SURE the checkbook is in his bag, despite him saying that it's not. Did he look for it? I doubt it, and even if he did, that doesn't mean that it's not there. I could be wrong, but I'm usually not. *sigh* I feel like his bloody MOTHER sometimes, and while I do love him, and I love being WITH him....it's irksome as HELL. A lot of the time.
Gah.
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