Ahh... had a lovely weekend....this whole 'social' life thing doesn't leave me much time to sleep, but it's very fulfilling in a different way. And it's also VERY funny how my 'social' life is so - striated. The first thing I did on Sat was with a group of AfAm women - none of whom know about OD or my sexual life - but they understand my life some. The second group was a group of women I met online - obviously they know about my color, but they don't know about 'this' side of me. The last meeting was with a bunch of swingers, and they know the most about me - I'm closest to my full self with them.
Anyhow, C wasn't able to come with me (work) and I really regret that - I really want him to meet some other AfAm married men who swing, simply so that he can talk to them, and maybe work out some of his worries/concerns about full swap. Though, I think the thing might be - he just isn't really interested in swinging. He's - okay - with the idea of a threesome, but I think that's just more because he knows that I'm bi, and he wants to do that to please me. But of his own free will - he's just not that into it. And - well, I don't know. I would love for him to read 'The Ethical Slut'. I LOVE that book - it literally resonates within me - it's a mirror to some of my inner heartdesires..... *sigh*
We've had sex what - twice this week I think? Yeah - once on Wednesday after I met girly (who I've talked to once or twice online, but I'm definitely trying to phase her out) and then again yesterday - I had gone outside to sit in the rain and read my book on Tantra that I brough on Saturday...and he came out and we chatted for a little while, and then he sugessted we have sex. I didn't really want it, but - eh. It wasn't bad. I gave him a lil head, and we started outside until it stopped raining, then we went to the bedroom to finish off. I actually didn't cum (just wasn't in the mental space for it) but I faked a good one to make him cum. It's odd - I rarely feel bad about faking it, largely because I do it SO infrequently, and usually I do it so that we can wrap things up - thank you once again, Dr. Kegel!
But I'm glad that we did it twice this week, as I'm on my period, and it's interesting - I'm just totally not into it then - but I used to be, as long as the guy didn't mind. Gah. I showed him the Tantra book, and his response was 'That's the thing that shows you how to prolong your orgasms, right??" and I told him that yeah, that's part of it, but there is also a spiritual and mental aspect...and he swiftly volunteered to be my practice partner. *smiles* As if I expected anything less?? It's interesting - I think little things like that gives him hope - and reassures him that I really am interested in salvaging/repairing our sexual relationship, and he's cooler with having sex a little less often as long as I'm working on it.
Hmm... what else?? There was something else I wanted to - AH! Lately, (hello Ladies!!) I've been getting noted by several ladies who have gone through the same thing that I am dealing with - low sexual interest in their husbands, but still have a libido, as proven my their roving eyes. They are both about ten years older than me, and have kids - and sweet heaven knows that I want to have this done, settled and behind me one way or another before we start having kids....uh-uh. Not trying to incite that kind of drama in my life - no sirre bob!
Also, I'm debating cancelling my second appointment with the therapist....I didn't really feel that she helped me much....I mean - telling me to stop being selfish and just give him some - well, shit, I figured that out from all of the self-help books. What I want/need is for someone to sit down with me, work me, and figure out why I don't feel horny very often - and not just dismiss it by saying 'oh, that's how most women are'. GAh! Just because most women are this way doesn't mean that is a woman's normal level, and if I'm there talking to you about it, maybe that means that I'm not satisfied being there?
Ah!! I figured out what it was really - that's the thing with me. I RARELY get horny. *and I might have written about this before, but I'mma talk about it again*. I mean, there are sometimes when I might want to be touched....there are sometimes when I crave a solo orgasm to relax, but I RARELY (and never sober!) get into that "I need dick and I need it NOW !!!!!!!!!!" feeling - in fact, the only time I get that way is if I'm surrounded by music, alcohol, and horny men I'm not married to (ie. the club). And I know, as a younger sprite in college, I used to get pretty randy.....still nothing like what I get after a good night out with the girls, but - it came up occasionally - I would wake up from hot sex dreams....hmmm...interesting, thinking about that, I don't think I've had a hot sex dream since....shit....at least a year and a half ago, now??
Which is very interesting, as I used to have those rather frequently....but hmm... that's just died off. So anyhow, debating if I'm going to go to this appointment. I mean shit, OD has been a better therapist than she was in the first session. At least ya'll validate my feelings, don't make me feel like I'm a bad woman, and offer concrete suggestions of things to do/try that aren't in every selfhelp book I've ever picked up.
In other news - I told Jc that I was coming to Atl....I actually called him while I was waiting for Girly to show up on Wednesday, and I casually mentioned it, shortly after he thanked me for the latest batch of pictures I had sent him *evil grin*. He promised me that he was going to block out the entire month of September, and that we had to meet at least once, and that he was going to be on his best behaviour. *evil grin* Just - too, too much fun, really.
Okay - running off now.... :)
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