Hmm....I love having this separate place. I was talking to one of my online friends earlier today, hooking him up to another new screenname of mine - and jokingly, he asked me if I had a multiple personality. At last count, I have *thinks* only 3 screen names that I chat under (with three? four? different services), but - goodlord - I could have up to five, and I have - 6 - no - 8? different emails adresses.
It's not that I have a multiple personality - in fact, my personality is very integrated (I think sometimes maybe TOO integrated) - it's just that each aspect of my personality has it's own outlet - and I make connections based on that intial outlet, and later - much later, if you're deemed worthy, I'll open up the rest of me to you. But yeah, I'm very much so closed in - I've never met anyone - not Jc, not my husband, not any of my best friends, who I would truly trust and offer all that I am to.
There's ALWAYS been something about me that no-one knows - but here - you folx don't KNOW me. You see a little side of me that I share in this place - and that's what you know of me. You judge me, read me (or not) and note (or not) solely based on what's here. There's no history, and most likely, little chance of a future. And with that kind of freedom - I have room to share all of the things that no-one but me knows.....without fear of someone who KNOWS me finding this - because they would never think - oh, I know this woman. No one knows me - I don't trust anyone enough to know all of me and not hurt all of me - at least, this way, they can only hurt what they know.
And yes, yes, I know that I'm selling most of my friends short. I'm pretty sure that I'm selling my husband short - but - I'm ashamed. No - ashamed isn't the right word. I'm - tenderskinned. Very, very, very tenderskinned - and the more I love someone, the softer the skin becomes. And - when it comes right down to it, I don't LIKE it. I get hurt/sad/upset over the most minor and stupid of things - things that even as I'm sniffling over, I KNOW he didn't mean that way, or mean to have any malice in saying it - but it hurts like hell. And so I retreat. But - I can't find my balance there either - I retreat so far back that I'm icy-cold, and can barely respond to anything without either a grunt or a shrug. I - I haven't learned the art of neither wearing my heart on my sleeve, or locking it in Fort Knox. Unless - and this is the sad part - unless I just plain don't CARE about the person. No history - no future - and the true multifaceted, utterly amazing, glowing, intuative, charming, social woman that I REALLY am comes out. But - it's always a little sad because , I like that girl. I wish she would hang around all the time - and realize that those who really do love her, will love most facets of her......and not shoot her down as so many people have done in the past.
Who am I? Really?
I'm a lover, a woman, a poet, a artist, a laugher, a nuturer, and a giver. I can be loud, impatient, and cuttingly sarcastic. I'm a listener, a talker, a liar, and a sneak. I'm joyful, sad, bashful and incredibly curious. And that only touches on the tip of the iceberg. I've been Muslim, Protestant, Baptist, pagan and agnostic. I've had abortions, orgies, and long term relationships. I'm a libertarian and a peace nik. I'm empathic and sensitive. I don't like taking pills, but deeply enjoy recreational drugs. I am me. All of me. Even the parts I don't know are me, the parts I don't understand, that parts that I don't even know are there.
But - I'm not quite - bold enough to be me all the time. Sometimes, I have to retreat and hide me and only offer what others can handle. Sometimes, I can't handle myself - and I'm the one IN this head. And - sometimes I just can't EXPLAIN to other people what's going on - hell, sometimes it takes ME a few minutes to backtrack through my mind and figure out an association that I've made - and - dammit, I feel like regressing to the teenagers lament 'No one UNDERSTANDS me!' - and it's true. No one does. And it's my fault, because I've never given anyone a real CHANCE to understand me - to get all up under my skin and peep out of my eyes. And it's not because I'm shamed of who I am - I'm not. I just don't want to be - viewed differently because of who I am. I want someone else to be able to understand me in the same way I understand myself - freely, easily, not judging, not deciding - accepting that I'm still a work in process/progress.........and that the roots of what I am is good, and it's wonderful, and it's - amazing, and it's really something that everyone should have a chance at knowing/feeling/understanding - but so very few people ever will. *sigh* And so instead...
That went ENTIRELY another direction from where I planned - I have been reading some D/s websites that I've dug up while at home, and I've been thinking about what I said earlier about never being able to submit to my hubby, and trying to figure out why that is - there was never even any doubt in my head - it just plain wouldn't happen. But why? Was there something about him? Something about me? and then - in reading a subs story of her and her Master, I realized - I don't respect him. I love him dearly, and I value his intelligence, his humor, his passion for life, but I don't really view him as my equal - I think of him more as a 17y/o cousin I've fallen in love with, but now have to take care of after his momma kicked him out the house.
I haven't explored much more from there - is it the job situation? Is it the household situation? It is his pisspoor attitude about bills and credit? It is his (to me) obsession with comic books, video games, and cartoons? I mean - what really makes a man mature? What makes him - respectable, and admirable in my eyes? I don't look up to my husband - he's just another responsibility I have. It doesn't decrease my love for him, it doesn't make me think (consiously at least) less of him - I think I've simply accepted him as he is - and I DO love him, as he is. But he'll never be my Master (if I ever even come to the point where I think I might want one - from what I've been reading, it would take a very special person for me to be a 'real' sub.)
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