Things....

Things that I like about not smoking....
1) I can hear better...
2) I can smell better...
3) I don't think about where I can do and who I can go with that doesn't mind smoking...
4) My clothes, hair, breath, car, and house smell better...
5) I don't get the early morning hackfest.

Things I don't like about not smoking...
1) I miss going outside 5-6 times a day while at work...
2) My appetite is back... 
3) I miss the feeling of smoke roooolllliiinnnnggg off mah tongue.

Clearly, the positives out number the negatives......it's officially been 6 weeks not smoking, and honestly - I don't have much to complain about. It's actually been a MUCH easier path than I expected it to be - and I'm still 'realizing' habits I had formed while smoking that I didn't even realize were rooted in smoking. It's - cool, kinda. It's just the appetite thing that is screwing with me. I realized a few days ago, that half the time, when I got hungry - I would 'interpet' it as a craving for a cig, and light up. Of course, that suppressed my appetite for a second, but then it would come back......and I'd light another one. Humph. It's - interesting - actually WANTING to eat again, and rather frustrating too. I - I don't want to have to eat. *sigh* I honestly wish sometimes (my waxing rapturously over bread notwithstanding) that food was - an option. Like - wine. I mean - I enjoy wine - throughly - and I like drinking it - but, it's an option. I don't HAVE to drink it - I drink it because I want to...and I wish food was like that too. Where it would be MY choice whether to eat or not (and without the nasty health related side effects of starvation) - and if I didn't want to eat, I wouldn't be prodded by my biology to eat SOMETHING. And no, I'm not even tripping any where NEAR bulimia/anorexia - it's just - interesting - realizing that I tend to NOT want to eat.
And how amazingly rich am I - to be able to even make such a statement when most of the world is begging to be able to eat anytime they so damn well please.
Gah.
I wonder if my years of fasting as a younger person has anything to do with it?? *sigh* Exercising or not (and I still lurve mah pooltime) I - I think that I need to change my eating habits. I can't remember if I mentioned it here before, but I figured out why I'm fat - me personally. I don't have to work for my food...I mean yeah, I have a job and all that provides the money to buy food - but I don't have to actually exert ANY energy into the process of actually obtaining/preparing my food. Making bread has reminded me of that fact - I love bread - and one of the things that I'm considering in my change is to work for my food. For example - if I eat bread, it's gotta be bread I've baked. If I want sweets, I've got to make them. Lunches should always be something brought from home. Drinks should be iced tea. In other words - I'm thinking that I should be making everything - or mostly everything that I eat. I'm not going to start churning butter, or making cheese - though I might start making yogurt - but I honestly don't eat enough to really make it worthwhile. I don't know - I know that I need to start doing SOMETHING different. And it goes way beyond a 'diet' - it's - almost a shift in how I view food.

*shakes head* I haven't processed long enough to think about it. *laughs*

That's something I've noticed about me - I have to NOT think about stuff for a while before I can actually think about it - it needs time to percolate in my subconsious before I'm ready to deal with it consiously.

Told you I was feeling chatty....

Okay - is it bad that I don't even WEAR the nicotine patch during the day (unless I forget to take off the one from the night before) because I don't really feel like I need it, but I DO put it on at night, so that I can get the utterly amazing techni-color dreams that the patch provides?? I mean - seriously - the DREAMS alone are worth it. For example - last night/this morning...

I was looking for a job for C, and found one where he would be a chef of a cruise ship. Somehow, I got a model of the cruise ship, that actually opened up via a split down the middle and showed the kitchen, and the living quartes, and all of that great stuff. I'm reading the details on the engines, and suddenly - the ship shifts to full size, and it's been split down the middle, and so it's sinking. As I let go of the ship, it splashes into the water, and flings me up into the air.
I look down, and I'm - hell - 100 ft above the most perfectly blue crystal clear ocean waters ever - and there no ship there anymore and I'm seriously in the MIDDLE of the ocean - nothing but blue sea all around me, and instead of the ship being below me,  there are a group of whales, - one of whom is just finishing a jump out of the water and I realized that the tail of the whale had caught me in the water, and flicked me up into the air. I don't want to land on the whales, so I angle myself as I fall towards another section of water. I'm not the least bit afraid, as I KNOW that when I hit the water, if I just stay relaxed I'll bounce back up to the surface, and I'm falling faster, and faster and just before I hit the surface of the water I take this HUGE gulping breath....

*blinks* And that's it. I don't remember actually hitting the water, or anything else. I don't even think I dreamed anymore - or maybe my alarm clock went off and woke me up. But - the dream itself is PERFECTLY clear - and it's in COLOR. I'm talking - full spectrum gorgeous color! Another thing that I can do in 'patch' dreams is I can read. Normally, it's just not possible to read in dreams - the part of your brain that reads isn't actually the part involved in dreaming (If I remember aright)- but I can read - and I can remember WHAT I've read. *blinks* Very cool dreams they are.

 

It's been a while....

since I've written - but I just haven't really been in the mood. Been noting occasionally, but that's about it.

What's new today? Hm. London - *sigh* I feel just as bad for London as I do for Baghdad, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Holiday - went camping with the hubby - learned that if you are going to suck dick in a tent, do that BEFORE you try to jerk him off with Off! covered hands. Bllleech.

Work - played hooky yesterday - due to severe over indulgence in tequila the night before, combined with an hour or two of crying - we started talking about what sort of car he should get, somehow moved onto the subject of kids, I broke down in tears and finally told him about my suspected miscarriage while we were ON OUR HONEYMOON. Geh. I'm such a girl. Anyhow, everything is better.

Sex - had some hot steaming sex AFTER I stopped crying. It started out good, and then right in the middle I was like - ugh. I'm done (and no, I hadn't had an orgasm) but he wasn't done yet, so - yeah, whatever.

Therapy - saw her yesterday, didn't have much to say - doubt that I'll ever go back - it's just like bleh. She wasn't helping/interested in what I see as my ROOT issue, she was just all about me giving it up to hubby. And yeah, that's gotten easier - but it's more like *shrugs* sure - here - whatever, rather than the RAWR!!! Jump me jump YOU that I would like.

Smoking - I'm actually enrolling myself in a 'stop smoking' study combining Zyban and the patch. Really, I just want the free drugs, but as I figure that there MIGHT be a possiblity that the perfect, wonderful, four year long birth control I've been using might have to be REMOVED - well, hell.....I still think it's too early, but - as the light of my life said - we've pulled shit together faster than anyone might think possible before....so....who knows? Besides, I wanna see what I'm like on anti-depressants. But then, I might be getting a placebo....so....damn, I want the real stuff. I wonder if there is anyway to test and see if I'm getting Zyban or a placebo. Though, considering placebos have been proved to work almost as WELL as the real stuff, does it really matter.

Speaking of which - drug studies are such bullshit. Did you know that when they do studies, all they have to prove it that it works better than NOTHING, not that it works any better than something that is already on the market - or even something that might be available over the counter. *snort* such bs.

Saw a commercial last night for some drug that they are marketing to people undergoing chemo for cancer - it boosts your white cell counts. Me & Hubby immeadiately looked at each other and said - that HAD to be developed orginally for AIDS....

Okay. I think I'm done.

stuff.

Heavens, I needed that sleep. That's one thing I'm nervous about having kids over - the lack of extended periods of sleep. I'm getting worse and worse at staying up all night/going without sleep as I get older. Interesting - I wonder if that's another biological reason to have kids younger rather than older?

I was reading OD (which C doesn't read, if I've never made that clear - he knows about, but doesn't read - unless he's reading behind my back, and I doubt that.) last night after I picked him up, and he was sitting on the couch next to me, half watching TV, half dozing off. I realized as I scanned through my favorites, that about 2/3 of them had baby pictures on their entries. 2/3. And the only reason I noticed, is because I was wondering what C was seeing as the glanced at the screen/at me - and it was almost always baby pictures.

I smoke. Not sure how many people (who I haven't met) know that. My family doesn't know. My best friend saw me bum a smoke at the bachelorette party (as I didn't bring any, and refused to buy any, as my mother has an amazing nose) but she doesn't know I SMOKE. One of my other friends knows that I smoke, but he does too, so we amusingly comment on the levels of our addiction. There. I admitted it. Despite how much I stubbornly claiming not to be. I. AM.  A. SMOKER. 
C hates it. I used to smoke cloves (now THERE'S a gateway drug) and when I first went to Geneva, I couldn't find any (came to find out, they're illegal there. Found that out on one of my last trips. Freaked me out, as I had been bringing CASES over to tide me over the 4-6 week trips), so for the first few trips, once I ran out of cloves, I would smokes squares. As I was freaked out my the whole illegal thing (which amused the shit out of me, as weed is alegal. *snort*) I just started smoking squares. Now, my smoke of choice is Camel Turkish Jade (they're a menthol). And I'm hooked. I'm going to stop, as soon as I get my IUD out. 

Speaking of which, I've been dragging my feet on getting an OBGYN appt set up. I use a Keeper which requires you to get pretty darn initmate with your inner bits - which obviously, I have no trouble doing (thankfully, considering I wanna be a midwife!). What does bother me (and I haven't explored why I'm dragging my feet) is that every cycle since December, when I've used it, I've felt something hard and pointy poking at the tops of my fingers. I know that my cervix drops approaching/during my period, and I'm wondering if the IUD has shifted/partly explused itself. I went to a nurse-practicion shortly before I left Indy and she said that everything looked/felt fine - except that her length of my string seemed at odds with what I remembered it to be, and I wasn't on my period. She suggested that I go and get an ultrasound, which I was going to do - but then the whole moving thing interrupted me. And at this point, I just keep 'forgetting' to make the damn appointment - that';s not quite true. Everytime I THINK of it - it's the wrong time to call and make an appointment.  I'm going to go RIGHT NOW and set up a pretty little reminder e-card to arrive at my WORK email on Tuesday (Monday's are too hectic, and I wipe my email from the previous week) to remind me to set up the appointment.

I - I'm just rambling here. But. *deep breath* I've got to do something soon. I'm rambling from the guts here, and - *deep breath* I jsut don't know. I do know, but I know that what I know is simply NOT HAPPENING right now......and I get so damn frustrated at/with myself and C that - I don't know. It's a big fat purple elephant in the back of my brain. All the time. Even when I don't think it's there - it is.

And this is why I have to take a huge leap of insanity to buy an iPod. Because it's just for me and not for my dream. The Y, on the other hand is for the dream. It's just. *sigh* Ya know, I'm really too fucking logical sometimes.

*totally off topic aside* Has anyone else noticed that as your 'write in your diary' page uploads, the name of the editor is FCKeditor/fckEditor.somefileextension?? Heh. Think Bruce & his programming eleves had a bit of a time getting it set up? Also - the bar at the bottom of the page that normally tells you how much of your page has loaded? It changes the more you type in your window. I should try to find something with 30K characters and see if it hits full. *end of totally off topic aside*

And spoiled, really. Spoiled senseless. See - that's the real sign of being spoiled - when you spite YOURSELF because what you can get isn't what you want. Or is that logic too? Why settle for something less than your image of perfection? Even if it is something that you want - why rush it just because you're worried that if it doesn't happen now, it'll never happen? And it's spoiled because most people don't even - don't even consider it important. Most people blow off what you're having a big ass purple elephant sitting in your head about because it just.isn't.reasonable. It isn't. It's just NOT how things are most of the time. That's life in America. And I'm spoiled enough to refuse to accept that. To say that MY way is the highway, and no matter how much 'easier' it would be to just say fuck it and do it the 'normal' way. I'm not. I refuse. I will not. And I'm not sure if I'm more stubborn or smart, more spoiled or reasonable, more emotional or logical. It's too damn emotional to be logical - and I CAN'T talk to C about it because - because I can't. I can't dump this big fat load of bitterness and worry and fear on his head - there's nothing that can be done at this point to change it, and it won't make me feel any better. It'll just give me someone to gnaw at the elephant with dull teeth with me.

Gah. I think way too much.

*pokes self*

I'm seriously getting fatter. My face is getting round, my pants are getting tight, my thighs are starting to thunder - and I've ONLY gained 5 pounds. Trust me though, for some twisted reason, it's looking more like 15.

I've GOTTA quit smoking. Seriously. I've told myself I'll quit once I lose the IUD, but hey - why wait right?

I want a boob job. Sometimes, I think I might not be so body crazy if I had 27yo boobs instead of the 49+ 3 kids with tandem nursing pair I've got now. I would like to not be flat chested without a bra, and a 38DDD with one. Ew.

Which leads me back to the whole 'I really need to quit smoking' as non-smokers heal SO much better than smokers. And have fewer post-surgical complications.

I also need to quit smoking so that I'll lose weight easier - nicotine blocks some kinda weightloss thingy, and if I lose weight, I might get a boob job covered by insurance due to the disproportionism.

Or of course, I could just win the lottery, collect a shitload of money, and get the boob job myself.

But then, it's almost June, (well, close enough) and my IUD is hitting it's fifth year and it needs to come out and I need - we need to decide what to do about that. Though, as much as I love little ones and know that I'd be a great mommy - I honestly don't think I have it in me to work two full time jobs, take care of myself, my husband, and my house. Hell, make that 2.5 full time jobs. So - if I have the option, I'd rather try to hold off doing both at the same time. But - money. Oh lord child, money. So broke am I.So very,very, very broke. So me quitting is just not. an. option.

So, for right now, getting nicely knocked up isn't going to happen in June. Which means that maybe I'll try to get a boob job in June, as I figure if they aren't going to be used, they might as well be purty.

Which means that I have to quit smoking in January. Mebbe that'll be my birfday present to myself.

Which, by the way, I'll be spending in Geneva. In January. *bbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Which sucks, but eh. *shjrugs* it'll be my last trip there. And maybe my last trip out of the country for a while...well that's not true. I'll be traveling to Australia a good bit too, but not MOVING like I wanted to.

See - yet another reason to hold off on procreating - I'm traveling a HELL of a lot, and while they claim to be a very family friendly company, I don't think wearing my kid in a sling at work is going to go over well.

Well, maybe in Australia.

So. I've got FOUR reasons (utterly selfish ones mind you, that have nothing to dowith the well studied, investigated and proven dangers of smoking (which I don't need repeated to me thank you verymuch! sheesh!)) to quit.

1. Healthy Body, Healthy Baby (hopefully at some point in time)


2. Healthy Body, Prettier Boobies!


3. Healthy Body, and less thereof.


4. Healthy Body, fatter pockets (these bitches ain't cheap)

And it's odd - cuz I 'stop' for a week or two, then buy another pack that I blow through in an outrageously short period of time *shrugs* I need a good enough reason (in my head) to really quit, and - well, quite sadly enough, my long term health isn't it (maybe because I see myself only smoking for a short term?) anyhow. Yeah.

Bleh. Fatter I tell you! It's sooo weird - I was getting SMALLER without losing weight, now I'm getting BIGGER without gaining any. I mean - what, is my body eating the muscle and storing it as fat?  I keep trying to tell myself it's a bit of pre-period bloat on top of those fivepounds - but I can't look myself in the face and say that cuz my face is all big & round shaped. Look like I got a damn moon face. Maybe it's water retention? a lil too much salt? HAH! I've made it though my nine months of ignoring my body, and it's about time for me to start paying her somemore attention.

And I'm SO farking tired. My god. I could just curl up and GO. TO. SLEEP. I seriously almost fell asleep at my desk- and I got a solid seven hours of sleep last night.

hmm... maybe it is water retention, cuz my feet or swollen and throbby. And I love these shoes, so it ain't them.

Gah!

Communal Curiousity

I was sitting on the balcony last night, savoring a clove, and I started thinking about how social most people are, and more importantly, the deep urge I have finally given into to be a social person. Then, I began to wonder - is being part of a community an innate human desire? Does everyone feel the need to belong to something that brings them together with other humans, whether it be a church or a school or a workplace? Can anyone ever be totally and completely happy as an isolated entity with no long-term connections of any type to another person or person(s)? I wonder if for some people that is part of the attraction of OD? It's a community that makes you feel as if you are integrated into other peoples lives, and they are integrated into yours - a true sense of virtual community, whether you ever meet anyone from here or not.