spasms

I mentioned to a friend this morning that lately, I seem to skip the righteous indignation bit of things, and go directly to pissed off and/or depressed about things that would usually get me in a high dander.

I don't know if it's the simple fact that no-one can be pissed off all the time - well, no, someone could be pissed off all the time, but that someone wouldn't be me, or if it's just the overwhelming amount of things that go on that piss me off - I can't handle the overload, anymore.

So, I withdraw. I read, and don't note. I bite my tongue. I wear my iPod at work, and consiously ignore the conversations. I don't read the paper, and I don't watch the news, and I keep my circle of friends very, very, very, small, because I don't WANT to deal with the random insanity of - everything.

It's rather - I don't know. I've always acknowledged the fact that I am a hermit, but I'm starting to take it further than just social interactions.....I'm letting go of things that really don't matter - esp. opinions and beliefs.

As I've been telling people lately - three or four people, including DH - I really don't CARE what you do - I'm not invested in it, as I would have been a few weeks/months ago, because you know what? My righteous indignation isn't going to change your mind - and you'll still live your life, as you want, with or without my input. So why bother?

It's - it's not cynical, really. It's realistic. I'm still changing my mindset around control, and management, and battles worth fighting. I'm learning that I don't have to work to get people to understand me, if THEY don't want to. I'm backing away from brickwalls, and learning the wisdom of a nod.

It's much less frustrating. It's much - easier, on me, emotionally. I'm still learning (still! and here I thought I had it down!) to not take things personally.

But then, I wonder if I'm taking the lazy path out. Is a desire to not have to fight - hell, the craving to not WANT to fight, not NEED to fight, lazy? Is my abandoning of the path of the crusader and changemaker a sign of an inner weakness, or one of inner strength?

Or, maybe, it's just a shift in attitude. I'm willing to teach, but not to fight. I'm willing to share, but not to convince. I'm willing to explore, but not to trailblaze.

I don't know. It might be fear. It might be a warning that I need to conserve that engry - that - vim & vigor for a bigger fight. It might be pure laziness.

I finally got the Dr. Phil book (Self Matters) for 2nd Realm yesterday, and I want to work a chapter or so a night, until I'm caught up (I think we are up to Chapter 5, now).

I really don't like Dr. Phil - he's smarmy, thinks he has the answer for everyone, and has a really irritating voice, but, I've heard very good things about the self-exploration this book lends to, and so, I'm willing to try. Heck, the biography trick has been an interesting trip so far - and useful.

It's interesting - I feel - clearer, somehow. I feel like - heh, I feel more authentic, and it's been stirring before I even opened the pages of the book - I just didn't have a very good name for it.
Hrm. I think I'm done.

Blurbles

All day, I've had random little thoughts come blurbling up into my head, and I haven't had time to jot them down - which is most likely what caused the headache I now have. However, I'm finally home, sitting in what must be the MOST comfortable chair ever, staring out of the porch window at a heavy rainfall, with a lovely bowl and a big cup of water next to me - and finally I can let all those blurbles out.
Excuse me.

I look down now, and instead of seeing a little pooch of belly through my shirt, I see nothing but softly waving cloth. Why does this make me feel like a battleship? I wish there was a way that I could test my thyroid at home - just to see if I have any issues. I'm doing the SAME thing that I've done before, being a little more active and eating a little less, and yet my weight loss has SLOWED to an almost halt. I'd hate to go into my doctor "Oh - I want a thyroid test to see if I can blame something outside of myself (figuratively speaking) for my slow progress". Hm. I'll have to look for one.

Why do so many people know my name - and why didn't I notice it before?

I've got babyfever, and I've got it bad - and somehow stumbling across all these attachment parenting/natural mothers on OD isn't helping the LEAST bit. I'm slowly becoming utterly terrifed that I will be one of the women who has a sick pregnancy and won't even be able to enjoy the joy & wonder that is being pregnant cuz of all the nausea and retching. Eep. I have to keep chanting to myself "I don't want to have a baby until I can afford to take at LEAST 6 months off and stay home with it" in order to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Interesting tidbit on A'ishah - the ONLY thing that I have ALWAYS known I've wanted to be is a mother. Only and always. Damn shame it doesn't pay.

I cleaned and cooked and read (3 OR 4 different books) and slept and ate and was with Corey and did a tiny bit of cleaning and spent only 1.60 (yay me!) and met some utterly fabulous homebirthing type people and just in general had a riproaringly fabulous weekend. OF course, I'm so very sure that taking Friday off had something to do with it, but I'm going to pretend like I don't know that and make EVERY weekend this wonderful.

I didn't manage to start on the Artist's Way however...

There are somethings that I want to do, but don't because I would feel like such a poser doing them. Somehow, I can't seen to consiously tell myself "Everyone started from a place of unknowing" and that I won't instantly have the knowledge and connections and know how of some of the people I meet. I must stop mistaking experience for determination. I think that may be why I miss school so - I miss being a part of a group of people going from unknowing to knowing at the same time and at roughly the same pace.

I talked to BOTH of my best friends yesterday - a first in I can't remember how long. M. had good news and bad news - the bad was he's not coming to the wedding *sob* the good - he got accepted into his doctoral program (which is why he can't make the wedding) *yay*. I do plan on rubbing in the guilt, and dammit I wish I had known earlier and I would have tried to make it home to suprise him at his graduation from gradschool. Ah well - I guess I won't see him again until the end of the year. It's going to be odd getting married without him there.
N. sounds like a stressed-out single mom - she's soo bloody ambitious that I don't know whether to pity her or admire her. I suppose I pity where she is now, and admire her drive to get where she wants to be. I wish I was closer to all of them. It seems like since the last time I was home, we've all made efforts to keep in touch with each other more. It's good - for awhile there I was afraid we we've drifting apart. Of course, N and M ARE drifting apart since the dumb fart hasn't called her since the baby was born. Which was in SEPTEMBER. I honestly don't understand why he does that to people - I mean I'm BAD, but not that bad.

I try so hard not to be holier than thou. It's sickening when I hear it coming from me, but dammit I know so much! I know and am more than aware that sometimes (a lot of times) I really don't know shit, but when I do know I want to share and I'm not sure how my 'sharing' is taken all the time. I think that is another reason why I have gone so quiet lately. I sometimes feel like what I'm saying has no value, and thus people easily dismiss me. Maybe I'm being too sensetive. (Yet another word I can never spell right). Or maybe it does have value and I'm talking to the wrong crowd so it would just be best if I shut up anyhow.

I have very good hearing and sense of smell - my mom always told me it was to make up for my piss-poor vision. Now that I can see 20/20 - will that advantage fade, or am I stuck with it? I still get paranoid about the peepers despite the fact that according to my doctor I would be a LASIK poster child. Every headache I get - I fret. Every dry eye - I freak out. Every instance of 'odd' vision, I think I'm going to go blind. They are very minor, very low grade freakouts - but my heart starts thumping all the same. I've got no CLUE of what normal healthy eyesight is like - so I assume that everything out of the ordinary is bad/dangerous - when in fact it might be quite normal.

Corey was overqualified for the transfer job. (Have I mentioned this already?) He has his eye out on several other jobs, and - I'm just such a party pooper. I have a very clear line drawn between wishing and reality - i.e. I wouldn't even CONSDIER looking at ads for Jaguars if I'm trying to stay under 15K in buying a car. He, on the other hand would. To him, it's just exploring the full range of possiblities - even if they are IMpossibilities. To me, it's just a waste of time. So - it's like that in his job search always. He will get excited about jobs that either aren't in the area or he doesn't have the qualifications for - and rather than get wrapped up in the magic of the description - I zoom right into the qualifactions or the location. Why get excited about something that has little possibility of even occuring? But - I've learned to tone down my UltraSensible voice, and bask in the occasional magic of what-if with him. I still always come back to ground first.

I think I might have allergies to something in Indiana. I lived in Atlanta (The Allergy Capital of the US) for 6 years with no allergytype issues. The FIRST spring I lived here, I thought I was going to die from some of the migraine like sinus headaches I had. Since then, every spring I've gotten this sudden spate of sinus headaches. And of course, I HATE HATE HATE taking OTC medicine of ANY kind - I've got to be reallllllly hard up to take an asprin, so I simply sit in silence and darkness, or take a nap until the headache fades away. Really - I need to leave before it turns into something more.

Ignorance

Honestly, sometimes I don't understand people. I'm not sure if it's mainly American people, or if it's just people in general - but it rather frightens me how sheeply people are.

I don't understand how women can take birth control (of any kind) without fully understanding the side effects.
I don't understand how anyone can go to the doctor and NOT realize that they didn't complete the examination before they leave.
I don't understand people who immediately dismiss anything that ruffles their world view without even CONSIDERING if it's true.
I don't understand parents who feed their kids food that they KNOW isn't healthy.
I don't understand how people can so easily abdicate responsibilty for their own lives by taking everything that they have ever learned at face value.

Maybe it's because I know a little bit about so MUCH stuff, and that I rarely (if ever) take what I first learn at face value. I'm naturally suspicious. But it's downright EXASPERATING when I try to share that knowledge with others - and they don't even CARE. ESPECIALLY when it has to do with health.

For example - several of my coworkers (for some reason) were having a conversation about milk. I mentioned the FACT that after the age of TWO most humans rapidly lose the ABILITY to fully digest milk - any kind of milk, especially cow's. One of my coworkers (without having ANY other information besides what the Diary Farmers of America have been pumping into the social arena) more or less called us 'crazy'. *sigh* And we aren't even going to TALK about how they dismissed the facts that the hormones in milk and meat cause girls to develop faster (and gain weight). It's KNOWLEDGE. It's understanding more about your body and our world and... I just don't GET how people are willing to just dismiss it - without even checking to see if it's true.

I'm usually a very outspoken person. I live in the heart of the Midwest, and a good majority of my personal choices are distinctly outside of the norm. I've adopted those choices because of the research I've done on it - not because some commercial told me to. Lately though, I've noticed myself keeping my mouth shut more and more. I'm TIRED of defending my choices because some NUMBNUT doesn't have to drive to inform themselves about the choices they are making.

I really need to find some 'unconventional' friends, otherwise I might bite my tongue off. I know that I can come off as VERY 'know-it-all' and I've been told sometimes that I am a little 'holier-than-thou', and truly, I try to remain concisous of that and let people make their own decisions - even if I viruently disargee with them. The hardest thing for me though is staying silent when I KNOW they aren't coming from a place of complete knowledge - that they are relying on what' they've been told rather than what they've learned.

I've got to get out of this state.

Love

In the name of love - I tell you this. Even though it might seem to be awful hard to not have SOMEONE on V-Day...it's alot harder to be abused by the someone you DO have. It's alot harder to deal with the after-effects of rape. It's alot harder to free yourself from violence in a world where "She deserved it" still spills out of people's mouths after they hear about a punch or a rape.

There is a non-profit organization called V-Day whose mission goal is to stop violence against girls and women across the globe.
Through V-Day campaigns, local volunteers and college students produce annual benefit performances of "The Vagina Monologues" to raise awareness and funds for anti-violence groups within their own communities. V-Day itself stages large-scale benefits and promotes innovative gatherings and programs (The Afghan Women's Summit, The Stop Rape Contest, Indian Country Project, and more) to change social attitudes towards violence against women. In 2002, more than 800 V-Day benefit events were presented by local volunteer activists around the world, educating millions of people about the reality of violence against women and girls.
This year's public service campaign consists of women (and men) from many walks of life talking about what they will do once violence against girls and women has ended - rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM), and sexual slavery.

For all the women you have ever loved - and for all the women who have never been loved - Please do something! Give some time, go see the Vagina Monolouges (they are GREAT!!!), buy some cute V-day jewelry, join the email list, give some money.

Everyone deserves a life free of fear.

What will you do when women across the world don't have to walk in fear anymore?

MoveOn

I spoke of how I don't have the passion to start something, but I have the passion to keep it going. It might be too late to change anything, but I'm not willing to rest on my laurels assuming it is.

This is the email that I got after I signed up - I know how huge of a community OD is (many, many more than I have on my email lists) and this is something I can do....

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Please join me in signing an online petition asking President Bush to let the weapons inspections work, rather than rushing to war.If we don't act now, we could be at war by the end of the month.
Inspections in Iraq have started. Most of us breathed a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, it's become clear that the ultra-hawks in the Bush administration -- Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle -- will not take yes for an answer. While the rest of the world thinks Iraq has backed down, these men are pursuing a massive public relations blitz for war.

With the possibility of a peaceful resolution to this crisis at hand, we cannot allow a few men to push the world to war. Send a message to President Bush and Congress to let the inspections work at:

http://www.moveon.org/winwithoutwar/

MoveOn.org will compile our messages and present them to the administration, including Secretary of State Powell, to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, and to members of Congress. The good news is that the ultra-hawks face some serious opposition. Secretary of State Colin Powell and other members of the Bush Administration are willing to give diplomacy a chance, and the State Department's interpretation of the U.N. resolution is a lot more reasonable than the White House's interpretation.

President Bush has agreed that war should be the very last resort. Let's hold him and his Administration to those words:

http://www.moveon.org/winwithoutwar/

Please join me and sign on today. We must support policy makers who will oppose these few extremists in the Bush White House who have been looking for an excuse for war from the very beginning.