Blurbles

All day, I've had random little thoughts come blurbling up into my head, and I haven't had time to jot them down - which is most likely what caused the headache I now have. However, I'm finally home, sitting in what must be the MOST comfortable chair ever, staring out of the porch window at a heavy rainfall, with a lovely bowl and a big cup of water next to me - and finally I can let all those blurbles out.
Excuse me.

I look down now, and instead of seeing a little pooch of belly through my shirt, I see nothing but softly waving cloth. Why does this make me feel like a battleship? I wish there was a way that I could test my thyroid at home - just to see if I have any issues. I'm doing the SAME thing that I've done before, being a little more active and eating a little less, and yet my weight loss has SLOWED to an almost halt. I'd hate to go into my doctor "Oh - I want a thyroid test to see if I can blame something outside of myself (figuratively speaking) for my slow progress". Hm. I'll have to look for one.

Why do so many people know my name - and why didn't I notice it before?

I've got babyfever, and I've got it bad - and somehow stumbling across all these attachment parenting/natural mothers on OD isn't helping the LEAST bit. I'm slowly becoming utterly terrifed that I will be one of the women who has a sick pregnancy and won't even be able to enjoy the joy & wonder that is being pregnant cuz of all the nausea and retching. Eep. I have to keep chanting to myself "I don't want to have a baby until I can afford to take at LEAST 6 months off and stay home with it" in order to keep myself on the straight and narrow. Interesting tidbit on A'ishah - the ONLY thing that I have ALWAYS known I've wanted to be is a mother. Only and always. Damn shame it doesn't pay.

I cleaned and cooked and read (3 OR 4 different books) and slept and ate and was with Corey and did a tiny bit of cleaning and spent only 1.60 (yay me!) and met some utterly fabulous homebirthing type people and just in general had a riproaringly fabulous weekend. OF course, I'm so very sure that taking Friday off had something to do with it, but I'm going to pretend like I don't know that and make EVERY weekend this wonderful.

I didn't manage to start on the Artist's Way however...

There are somethings that I want to do, but don't because I would feel like such a poser doing them. Somehow, I can't seen to consiously tell myself "Everyone started from a place of unknowing" and that I won't instantly have the knowledge and connections and know how of some of the people I meet. I must stop mistaking experience for determination. I think that may be why I miss school so - I miss being a part of a group of people going from unknowing to knowing at the same time and at roughly the same pace.

I talked to BOTH of my best friends yesterday - a first in I can't remember how long. M. had good news and bad news - the bad was he's not coming to the wedding *sob* the good - he got accepted into his doctoral program (which is why he can't make the wedding) *yay*. I do plan on rubbing in the guilt, and dammit I wish I had known earlier and I would have tried to make it home to suprise him at his graduation from gradschool. Ah well - I guess I won't see him again until the end of the year. It's going to be odd getting married without him there.
N. sounds like a stressed-out single mom - she's soo bloody ambitious that I don't know whether to pity her or admire her. I suppose I pity where she is now, and admire her drive to get where she wants to be. I wish I was closer to all of them. It seems like since the last time I was home, we've all made efforts to keep in touch with each other more. It's good - for awhile there I was afraid we we've drifting apart. Of course, N and M ARE drifting apart since the dumb fart hasn't called her since the baby was born. Which was in SEPTEMBER. I honestly don't understand why he does that to people - I mean I'm BAD, but not that bad.

I try so hard not to be holier than thou. It's sickening when I hear it coming from me, but dammit I know so much! I know and am more than aware that sometimes (a lot of times) I really don't know shit, but when I do know I want to share and I'm not sure how my 'sharing' is taken all the time. I think that is another reason why I have gone so quiet lately. I sometimes feel like what I'm saying has no value, and thus people easily dismiss me. Maybe I'm being too sensetive. (Yet another word I can never spell right). Or maybe it does have value and I'm talking to the wrong crowd so it would just be best if I shut up anyhow.

I have very good hearing and sense of smell - my mom always told me it was to make up for my piss-poor vision. Now that I can see 20/20 - will that advantage fade, or am I stuck with it? I still get paranoid about the peepers despite the fact that according to my doctor I would be a LASIK poster child. Every headache I get - I fret. Every dry eye - I freak out. Every instance of 'odd' vision, I think I'm going to go blind. They are very minor, very low grade freakouts - but my heart starts thumping all the same. I've got no CLUE of what normal healthy eyesight is like - so I assume that everything out of the ordinary is bad/dangerous - when in fact it might be quite normal.

Corey was overqualified for the transfer job. (Have I mentioned this already?) He has his eye out on several other jobs, and - I'm just such a party pooper. I have a very clear line drawn between wishing and reality - i.e. I wouldn't even CONSDIER looking at ads for Jaguars if I'm trying to stay under 15K in buying a car. He, on the other hand would. To him, it's just exploring the full range of possiblities - even if they are IMpossibilities. To me, it's just a waste of time. So - it's like that in his job search always. He will get excited about jobs that either aren't in the area or he doesn't have the qualifications for - and rather than get wrapped up in the magic of the description - I zoom right into the qualifactions or the location. Why get excited about something that has little possibility of even occuring? But - I've learned to tone down my UltraSensible voice, and bask in the occasional magic of what-if with him. I still always come back to ground first.

I think I might have allergies to something in Indiana. I lived in Atlanta (The Allergy Capital of the US) for 6 years with no allergytype issues. The FIRST spring I lived here, I thought I was going to die from some of the migraine like sinus headaches I had. Since then, every spring I've gotten this sudden spate of sinus headaches. And of course, I HATE HATE HATE taking OTC medicine of ANY kind - I've got to be reallllllly hard up to take an asprin, so I simply sit in silence and darkness, or take a nap until the headache fades away. Really - I need to leave before it turns into something more.