Perceptions

My hands are icy cold. My hands are normally cold anyhow, but when I get really nervous or really upset - they get even colder.
Right now - I'm furious. I have a friend - and he somehow knows how to push all of my buttons. I suppose the problem is that I feel like in some ways, he might be right, but the ways that he is wrong are so overwhelming that it invalidates the right bits.
Everyone knows I hate my job. I also think that most everyone knows that if I could afford it, I would quit before I could finish typing this sentence. But I can't. And that is totally my fault - I've dug myself into this hole. And, really - I've come to accept that fact, and I'm ACTIVELY working towards getting OUT of this hole. So - to have this man who dropped out of school because he couldn't afford it and currently has no job (by choice) and lives with his girlfriend (and no, I don't know what if any, HIS source of income is)tell me that I'm just not TRYING hard enough to get to where I want to be - it reallllly pisses me the fuck off. To have him sit there in his smug artists life supported by whatever means of income and tell me that 'you might look back and see it was more an issue of perception than of reality' as I try to explain to him that I cannot AFFORD to quit my job really - really fucking burns me.

So. I come here and write and vent and think about how much of what he is saying is true. And, actually - he's right. I COULD quit my job right this minute and start dong what I want to do. I'd have to default on my credit cards and car loans, because any job that has flexible enough hours for me to work as a doula and doesn't involve me selling ass or drugs would not provide enough money to cover all of my bills. I'd have to move back into the hood into a much smaller apartment. I'd have to give up the cable tv, and all the dinners out, and most likely even my diet as protien ain't cheap. And yeah - I COULD do all that right now - but I happen to LIKE owning a car. Covering all my bills and responsibilities gives me a little THRILL. I'm losing weight, and it will take more than some outside of MY life observer to make me feel bad about choosing to continue it. Yeah, I could look for another job that might make me happier and would pay roughly the same - but I'm NOT going to start working anywher else that doesn't lead me to where I want to be - which is the only sort of job that pays what I'm making now. I've stripped my life down to the essentials simply so that I CAN get out of here faster. It's not going to happen now. It's not going to happen next month. But - no matter what else happens, June of 2004 I am out of here. I know that much is true.

So. Writing it out helped. My hands have warmed up some and I feel ready to go out and maybe meet and make some new friends tonight. I feel confident and reassured that despite what those who DON'T live with me think - I'm doing the right thing.

Screw them and their misguided perceptions.