Conflict

I hate hate hate when I have a plan all laid out in my head, and then someone comes along who I respect and makes a suggestion that TOTALLY hoses my plans.
I KNOW that I want to be a midwife, but there are a couple of different paths to take, and each kind has its own benefits and disadvantages. The thing that makes this even more delicate is the fact that what midwife needs to legally practice and attend homebirths varies from state to state.
And I SOOO don't want this to end up being about money - at the same time I know that if I take the CNM path, not only is there a possibility of being able to get a grant or a fellowship, I would also be almost guarenteed a job after completion. And while I could work in a hospital (which is always a good fallback) I'd much rather work in a birthing center or attend homebirths. However, the glitter of a job is rather distracting.
What do I want? I want to help families birth their children naturally, in an environment that supports their desires. I read a book called Giving Birth over the weekend that described the working environment of nursemidwives in SkyWay Hospital, which is one of the most midwife integrated hospitals in the US, and it was HORRID. They were wonderful examples of MEDwives rather than miwives. So... that along with other hospital experiences and just the general 'sick until proven healthy' attitudes that most hospitals have towards birthing mothers - UGH. I don't want to have to fight an uphill battle with my job and with politics.
I'm actually a little scared - I feel like suddenly I've been pushed to the edge and I have to make a choice. Not right this minute - but - the choice has to be made and nothing is certain in my mind.