I'm sour today. I look at life with lips tightly pursed, wondering why things are the way they are. I know why I"m sour too - I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like a tree in high wind - fighting to hold onto what I feel is good and right rather than slipping into doing that which is merely easy. I'm tired of feeling like a solitary tree, where what I'm feeling and thinking cannot be understood or reflected back or even discussed amoung those that I spend most of my time with. Burnout maybe? It can't be - I can't afford to be. I feel useless, as if what I do can be easily done without.
I've always known and accepted the fact about myself that I feel better as a person the more 'needed' I am. The more involved I am as a functional requirement of any team, the better I feel - especially if I'm SUPPOSED to be part of the team. I'm also perfectly happy working on my own - then I'm the MOST important part of the team. Lately though, I've felt more or less worthless. I've felt as though I'm an empty chair - and really, that doesn't help my mood any. I don't feel connected to ANY of my coworkers in any work related way, and it's too early for this to be happening! I'm not ready to separate and leave, and I can feel myself angling towards that.
Corey's coming to town tommorow, and that thrills me to absolutely no end at all. I can't wait to hear any progress he's making towards this position. The last I heard, an interview will be needed since it's not a direct transfer, but a transfer and a promotion. So, that's exciting because it would mean more money & responsiblity, both of which thrill him.
I was mildly domestic yesterday - I cleaned the kitchen (mostly) and cooked some stewed jicama. Well - it's actually still cooking as jicama is one of the toughest roots known to man - it was in the crockpot on high overnight, and this morning it was STILL hard as a rock.
I really need to vacuum though, and I'll do that tonight after class.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday from my apartment complex - which is most unusual in the fact that they actually WASTED a stamp, considering I live right across the lane from the leasing office. However, it was a more official notice, letting me know that my lease will be up in July, and telling me what my rent would be for each type of re-signing. It looks like it actually goes down by about 50 bucks, and they give me several options of 'rewards' for signing another yearlong lease. I can get new tile (nope), a celing fan (maybe), 50 dollars off of one month of rent (nope) or a carpet cleaning (highly likely). The previous residents had a cat that pissed all over the carpet in the second bedroom. My cats, being cats, have proceeded to whiz all over the OTHER cats smell. Thus - a carpet cleaning would be a wonderful thing, but what they really need to do is replace the carpet in that room. However, the likelihood of that happening is roughly nil, so a cleaning is a good option. However, considering the fact that even if they DO clean the carpet, they still might piddle on it, the ceiling fan might be a more wise choice. If I get the fan, I will be able to cut down on the energy bill this winter - it will push all the hot air down from the vaulted ceiling in the living room.
I feel absolutely horrid about the fact that I can't STOP them from doing it - what kind of pet mother am I? I keep the boxes clean, and they are roomy, and there is more than one, and they don't have any physical problems, they just like piddling on the carpet.
I kinda don't want to go to class tonight, more because I want to crawl into a hole and pull the opening in behind me than a real dislike of the class. I wonder if I can take tomorrow off? It's the middle of testing, but I'm not DOING any testing, and really, I'm not doing anything. I think I will try - I've got shitloads of vacation to burn. It looks like I've only taken one day off thus far this year - and that was for my eye appt. No - that's not true - I was off the 20th of Jan too - but that was because I didn't have a car to get back here, not of my own free will - so I don't think that counts as vacation time. Even so, I get 12 days to start, I purchased a 5 days of vacation, and Lilly (bless their little hearts) gives you 5 days of vacation when you get married. Plus, we get one floating holiday this year, so all together, I've got 23 days of vacation - without counting in the company holidays. Ah yes, I SHALL miss the vacation when I leave here. Anyhow, I know that I am going to burn 10 days on the wedding, and I've used one, so that leaves me 11 days to paly with for the rest of the year. I can't afford to go on any long trips anywhere, so I won't need a chunk of vacation for a trip. So....yeah, if I can get it, I'm DEFINITELY taking tomorrow off.
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