Wolves

I'm not the kind to get ANGRY, really. Anger is a - foreign feeling for me, most of the time. Now, I'm not saying that I have never been angry in my life - oh, no, I've been ragingly, blindingly, FURIOUSLY angry - but it's usually because of a totally over the top violation of the interpersonal agreement someone has made with me.

I don't LIKE being angry. It hurts, and it's pointless, and while a good string of cuss words can release a little steam, real anger twirls and twines in my belly and starts to eat ME up.

Frustrated, though? Oh, yes, I think I live most of my life frustrated. That the driver ahead of me isn't moving fast enough. That my coworkers are idiots. That people online are asses. That DH doesn't see dirt. That I still haven't won the lottery.

I think the difference - at least for me - is that frustration prompts ME to change, whereas anger makes you want to force the other to change. And ya know, one of the things I do know is that there ain't shit that I can do to FORCE someone else to change who doesn't want to - as nice as it would be to think that a raging, ranting, cussing streak at someone would make them be less (or more) whatthefuckever - it's totally unrealistic.

And, ya know, I would have thought that MOST people would be aware of that by now - at least the people of an age to be parents, ya know? Esp. the ones who are trying to be non-angry, non-yelling, non-hitting, parents..... I would expect for them to have gone through the transition of anger -> frustration, and to have learned ways to constructively use that energy to encourage change.

But, I see (and have seen, and am very sad to see) that in general, it's not the case. Not sure if it's the 'mob mentality'. Not sure if some people LIKE being angry, LIKE being mean, LIKE being so self-centered that only THEIR way of thinking is acceptable/hearable/worthy, and anything that challenges that is to be stomped upon and put out of it's misery ASAP.

And it makes me sad, it does. It really, really, really does make me sad.

Because - ya know, because of my transition of anger -> frustration, the energy that I would have put into my anger, I can now use to give the benefit of the doubt. Being frustrated/confused is a lot less stressful than being angry, and it clouds the mind much less, and with that extra energy and extra clarity I can think about what's been said/done, and examine things from the others POV, and be able to ask the RIGHT questions to understand if anger is even a valid response to the situation - and suprisingly enough, not only is it RARELY the right answer to a situation, MOST of the fucking time, it makes the situation WORSE.

And to ME - finding out where other people are authentically at is exciting! It's enjoyable. I like understanding people, and understanding where they are truly coming from, and understanding whether they are TRULY assholes, or if they are just misunderstood, or if they are just not as facile with words as I might be.

And from there - still with the energy I've conserved by not flying off the handle - I can decide how I want to use my time and energy further.

There are several places that I frequent, and where I know that certain people are just unconvertable assholes. I've given them a chance, I've put myself in their shoes, I've asked questions, and yup - you're an asshole. And ya know what? I don't rail against them for being an asshole - whats' the point? If they haven't becoe less of an asshole by NOW - ain't no shit I type gonna change that.

Thankfully, I don't live with you, live near you, work with you, nor am I forced to respond to everything (or anything) you say - and in fact, I can step back, and just shake my head at the rampant assholery, send a little sympathy to the people who do HAVE to deal with you, and move on.

Is that SERIOUSLY an act of wisdom, or just plain fucking common sense?

Seriously, ya'll?

I'm SOOOOOO confused. And tired. Anger makes me tired. And 95% of the time, it's SO fucking petty and SO fucking pointless and the main people who are FEEDING the fucking anger are the same ones bitching about the negative energy.

*pulls hair out of head*

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?

I mean.......................okay. Maybe it's just that anger trumps logic. Maybe people are tired, and stressed, and feel like anger is their only outlet to get out the feelings they are repressing about everything else in their life. Maybe they take things out on the strangers on the other side of the screen because it's 'easy', and it appears to have no effect on the angry person. Maybe it's some hormonally related release of cortisol - a good tearing down of someone else leaves you feeling more relaxed and in control of the life that you actually have. Maybe it's that some people don't know how to express their feelings without being purposefully cruel - though, it's sad if your default setting is 'mean as shit'.

Though, I can't quite understand how the venom that you spew in one area CAN'T affect you, and your life as a whole - I mean, how can you be so cruel in one minute, and then turn around and be loving and kind and generous to your family the next? Isn't that a wee bit psychotic to be able to split your feelings that way? A little Eight Faces of Eve?

Or, maybe, it's that the persona - the words/actions - of people online aren't 'really' them. Maybe most people are reversed from me - where I am the person that I feel is MOST authetically me online, and I put up various facades to people offline - online is safe, for me. Maybe it's because it automatically puts people an arm length away - and from an armlength away, it's much harder to stab me in the back (or in the heart) than it is from right beside me.

I don't know.

All I know is, it gets on my fucking nerves. Sweet Mother of us all, how LONG does it take people to grow UP? And dear god, if this is how the people who DON'T believe in yelling/hitting their kids act towards other adults, I only shudder to think of what the parents who DO believe in yelling and hitting are like - and the kind of vicious, angry people they are raising.

This is why I'm a hermit. Seriously. People are fucking insane - wolves slavering over a feast of dark emotions.

 

---

 

There was a grandfather, his little grandson often came in the evenings to sit at his knee and ask the many questions that children ask.

One day the grandson came to his grandfather with a look of anger on his face.

Grandfather said, "Come, sit, tell me what has happened today."

The child sat and leaned his chin on his Grandfather's knee. Looking up into the wrinkled, nut brown face and the kind dark eyes; the child's anger turned to quite tears, and he told his story of mean boys taunting him and stealing a new possesion.

Once he finished the tale, the boy's anger returned, and he shouted -  "I hate them, I hate them all!"

The Grandfather, with eyes that have seen too much, lifted his grandson's face so his eyes looked into the boys. Grandfather said, "Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

"But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me, one is white and one is black. The White Wolf is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. But will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

"But, the Black Wolf, is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

"Sometimes it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy, looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes, and asked, "Which one wins Grandfather?"

The Grandfather, smiled and said, "The one I feed."

 

---

 

Please. For the sake of yourself, your family, your children, our world, your life - please, stop feeding the wrong fucking wolf. K? Thnx!

 

---

12:24

Moodswings, how I hate you.

I'm too sensitive - I want to scream, cuss and cry over what is going on at CPP. How can so called grown women be SO FUCKING BITCHY and immature??? JESUS! Step outside of yourself and think about whether what you are doing is for the good of the whole, and not just a clitstroke to your own sense of righteous fucking satisfaction.

Seriously, is it really that hard to be fucking generous? Even if not with your talent, then with your time? GotfuckingDAMN.

And I'm moodswinging like a mad monkey, which means that my period should be showing up in a week or two, for fucks sake. Or at least I hope so, considering this was a totally annovulatory cycle, and dammit I don't WANT to go to a doctor.

And it's only been four months, and I'm ALREADY tired of trying to get pregnant. Fuck it all, it should be so damn easy. I think I want to get some reiki to be sure that my meridians are flowing and shit. I so wanted this to be EASY. But nooooo, of course not, I have to work for this just like for everything else.

I did I mention that I am SO fucking over work. I can't stand these people, I can't stand this place, I don't like what I'm doing, and I think I'm going to actively start looking for another team to move to. I'm sick of the petty shit, tattling, and general assholishness that goes on here, and yeah, I might have to deal with the same shit different day on a new team, but at least the shit would be NEW.

*stabs the world*

And I need a fucking cigarette which means I've gotten myself hooked AFUCKINGGAIN and which also means after I go through this last pack I HAVE to stop buying them for at least a month - period.

Fuckitall.

12:39

12:23

Still bleeding. *shrugs* Whatever.

I'm. I'm in a mood, really. And, I know - in my heart of hearts that coming down off of the shrooms caused the mood - but, no. It allowed me to fully experience the change.

I'm broken. Really, I am. And the only way to fix that is to acknowledge. I've got a wall 12 feet thick and 20 feet high all around me, and I don't know how to break it down. Most of the time, I don't even realize it's THERE - and last night, I literally FELT it come back up, and I was so disappointed.

Even now, thinking of it beings tears to my eyes because - it's not fair. It's - it's cruel, actually.

And I don't know how to fix it. I can barely look directly at it. But I know that I want it gone.

12:26

Can I blame it on the rain???

Yeahhh, yeaah.

So. Despite wearing pretty clothes and having pretty hair and it being Friday and getting paid next week and having an idea for Nano and having gotten a full 9 hours of sleep and having a rockin ass sammich waiting on me for lunch and having had a yummy stick to your gutly-type bowl of oatmeal for breaksfast this morning....

I still want to unhinge my jaw and bite the head off of anyone who even LOOKS at me odd....and they don't even have to be doing anything stupid. I feel like my grip on - normal human pleasantry is swirling, swirling down the drain and even people who are right and perfect and cheerful make me want to spray acidic poison on them. Oh yeah, I'm pleasant.

But I'm trying (very very very) hard to keep it under control, because there's really no reason, and it's not THEIR fault that I've turned into Mrs. Snapping Turtle, and as I walked to the breakroom to get some water and saw the clouds breaking and a tiny bit of sun I thought.....

Hey! Maybe I can blame it on the rain. It's been raining for at LEAST three days straight - maybe all week (the days start to blur together, ya know?). And I KNOW how I get in the winter time when I don't get some sun (grumpy, tired, evil, depressed) and maybe, just maybe, this constant rain (on top of my period) has just congealed my heart into a tiny little poisonous rock that glares at puppies and kittens frolicking in the fields (but babies are still cute). So.

I'm blaming it on the rain (yeah, yeah). And I fully plan on being outside, playing in the dirt, building a compost bin, and doing otherwise Vitamin-D creating activites over the (supposedly) sunny weekend, because I'm getting on my OWN nerves now.

*glares at clouds* GO. AWAY.

Thank you.

Mosaic

I'm sour today. I look at life with lips tightly pursed, wondering why things are the way they are. I know why I"m sour too - I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like a tree in high wind - fighting to hold onto what I feel is good and right rather than slipping into doing that which is merely easy. I'm tired of feeling like a solitary tree, where what I'm feeling and thinking cannot be understood or reflected back or even discussed amoung those that I spend most of my time with. Burnout maybe? It can't be - I can't afford to be. I feel useless, as if what I do can be easily done without.
I've always known and accepted the fact about myself that I feel better as a person the more 'needed' I am. The more involved I am as a functional requirement of any team, the better I feel - especially if I'm SUPPOSED to be part of the team. I'm also perfectly happy working on my own - then I'm the MOST important part of the team. Lately though, I've felt more or less worthless. I've felt as though I'm an empty chair - and really, that doesn't help my mood any. I don't feel connected to ANY of my coworkers in any work related way, and it's too early for this to be happening! I'm not ready to separate and leave, and I can feel myself angling towards that.

---

Corey's coming to town tommorow, and that thrills me to absolutely no end at all. I can't wait to hear any progress he's making towards this position. The last I heard, an interview will be needed since it's not a direct transfer, but a transfer and a promotion. So, that's exciting because it would mean more money & responsiblity, both of which thrill him.
I was mildly domestic yesterday - I cleaned the kitchen (mostly) and cooked some stewed jicama. Well - it's actually still cooking as jicama is one of the toughest roots known to man - it was in the crockpot on high overnight, and this morning it was STILL hard as a rock.
I really need to vacuum though, and I'll do that tonight after class.
I got a letter in the mail yesterday from my apartment complex - which is most unusual in the fact that they actually WASTED a stamp, considering I live right across the lane from the leasing office. However, it was a more official notice, letting me know that my lease will be up in July, and telling me what my rent would be for each type of re-signing. It looks like it actually goes down by about 50 bucks, and they give me several options of 'rewards' for signing another yearlong lease. I can get new tile (nope), a celing fan (maybe), 50 dollars off of one month of rent (nope) or a carpet cleaning (highly likely). The previous residents had a cat that pissed all over the carpet in the second bedroom. My cats, being cats, have proceeded to whiz all over the OTHER cats smell. Thus - a carpet cleaning would be a wonderful thing, but what they really need to do is replace the carpet in that room. However, the likelihood of that happening is roughly nil, so a cleaning is a good option. However, considering the fact that even if they DO clean the carpet, they still might piddle on it, the ceiling fan might be a more wise choice. If I get the fan, I will be able to cut down on the energy bill this winter - it will push all the hot air down from the vaulted ceiling in the living room.
I feel absolutely horrid about the fact that I can't STOP them from doing it - what kind of pet mother am I? I keep the boxes clean, and they are roomy, and there is more than one, and they don't have any physical problems, they just like piddling on the carpet.
I kinda don't want to go to class tonight, more because I want to crawl into a hole and pull the opening in behind me than a real dislike of the class. I wonder if I can take tomorrow off? It's the middle of testing, but I'm not DOING any testing, and really, I'm not doing anything. I think I will try - I've got shitloads of vacation to burn. It looks like I've only taken one day off thus far this year - and that was for my eye appt. No - that's not true - I was off the 20th of Jan too - but that was because I didn't have a car to get back here, not of my own free will - so I don't think that counts as vacation time. Even so, I get 12 days to start, I purchased a 5 days of vacation, and Lilly (bless their little hearts) gives you 5 days of vacation when you get married. Plus, we get one floating holiday this year, so all together, I've got 23 days of vacation - without counting in the company holidays. Ah yes, I SHALL miss the vacation when I leave here. Anyhow, I know that I am going to burn 10 days on the wedding, and I've used one, so that leaves me 11 days to paly with for the rest of the year. I can't afford to go on any long trips anywhere, so I won't need a chunk of vacation for a trip. So....yeah, if I can get it, I'm DEFINITELY taking tomorrow off.

Random

I'm officially in a 'mood'. It's the combination of the craptastic weather, my severe lack of sleep, a general miasma from my financial stuff - and a wee bit of Corey-missing.

The weekend was great - we had a good time, as usual - and managed to keep our TOTAL foodcosts under 100.00 - for the both of us all weekend, which is really damn near a miracle. We need to start going out during happy hour more! We talked about the whole moving thing, and he agreed to seriously consider moving back up here when his lease expired. *does VERY happy dance* And I didn't feel the least bit manipulative or ANYTHING in the way i approached it. So, good for us. Also - the time change was this weekend, and since I live in one of the freaky states that opted OUT of daylight savings time, I now gain an hour coming home - which is lovely as it means I don't have to leave until 8 his time, and I can still get to work by 8:30 Indiana time. Wonderful, wonderful state.

Ugh - I just realized, it's PMS. I have very odd PMS. I get grumpy, rather touchy, veeerrry quiet, and ENOURMOUSLY sleepy. I'm talking I could sleep for 12-15 hours STRAIGHT, wake up for two hours, and then sleep for another eight kinda tired. And nothing I seem to do helps - vitamins, extra sleep the week before - NOTHING. And when I'm tired, I'm a bitch. Thankfully, all I have to do after work this week is bellydancing class - and I know that will make me feel better. Hm - that's a thought. I wonder if regular old exercise would help the Tireds. I might pop in the Tae-bo tape tomorrow morning and see if that helps. I've been doing the yoga for almost a week now, and I DEFINITELY feel better.

Speaking of feeling better - I've given in to the fact that once I get paid, I HAVE to go and buy some new bras. My shoulders and lower back have been creaky lately, and I'm almost postive that it's because my bras aren't supporting me right anymore - and we simply CANNOT have that. I happen to LIKE my twins - big as they are - and I really would rather NOT have to get them reduced because I let myself develop back problems. LB is having a buy 2, get 2 free sale - so I will swing through there first and see if I can fit any of them, and if I can't I will suck it up and go to a department store.

Work has been horrbily boring today. I actually went home for lunch today to waste a little more time, because I didn't pack lunch and I didn't want to buy it and I knew the kitties would be hungry. I cooked a quick lunch, loved on my babies, and still got back to work earlier than I really should have. Eh. I've spent most of the day since then collecting recipes so that I can come up with some good lunch like things. I don't like meat 'salads' so that's a usual 'lunch' kind of thing cut out. I've found some SCRUMPTIOUS sounding recipes though, and I can't wait to go shopping and start cooking up a storm.

Only 2.5 hours before I can sleep. How delightful.

Dementia

I hate hate hate hate hate these damn mood swings. They are aggravating, irritating, and make me down right MISERABLE! *sighs* I feel like I'm going crazy, and I know exactly what is wrong, ut as that helps me none it is even more frustrating. Luckily for those around me, they tend to be very much so internal (see previous feeling of inadequacy, depression and insanity), so I don’t appear to be going mad every month. But man… it is a beating on the psyche. While I KNOW that by Friday at this time I will feel just peachy freakin keen, those days between now and then seem to be an eternity. I wobble between not wanting to see Cheffy and wanting to curl up in his arms until Friday. Between quitting my job and telling my boss that this is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Between going to a club and flirting and partying my ass off or sitting in my house, closing the drapes, and cussing out every single telemarketer who dares to ring my phone. Sudden washed of rages and irritation, followed by a deep weepy feeling. I figured I was going to be just fine, considering that I went through the STRANGEST crying jag on Friday, sitting on my couch and crying so hard I gave myself a headache…and then walking the streets for almost three hours afterwards. I figured THAT was going to be the end of the emotional roller coaster. I can’t keep going through this...losing almost a week of every month to this other woman who invades me and whose moods are as changeable as clouds in the sky. After I get through this jag, I will only have one more before I go back to see my doctor. I am going to ask him then whether I can stay on the pill continuously (a constant supply of hormones) or if I can get on some other form of birth control. Dear god, if I am this bad now, after just three weeks of constant hormone adjustment, I can only imagine what the whole postpartum depression thing is gonna be like for me.

The only good thing about this is I write like a mad woman (though not ‘real’ writing) and if I can remain calm for an extended period of time I tend to talk more about what’s going on inside of me. *rolls eyes* Mercy but that sounded SO psychobabblish. Hm. This is a good state to work on my homework in then…*shakes head* I can’t wait to go home. Though I have to stop at the grocery store first and see if I can find something to use for Gio’s catbox until I can get to the pet store.

*sighs*

Stay Jazzed.

*blink...blink blink*

I’m a moody bunny I am I am. *nods* Yup. See… that is what I get for having a lovely wonderful, sweet, soft and tender piece of pecan pie for lunch. I feel TOTALLY like dying until my blood sugar balances back out. As I found some work to do (ohhhhh… creating New, Bigger and Better Excel Spreadsheets!!) I just worked my way through the dumps. Now… I’m back to my almost normal.. mostly chipper self. See.. stuff like this is exactly why I need to get back on the Atkins Diet. I’m not sure if the fact that I am so sensitive to sugar now mean s that I may be more likely to get diabetes later on… but really… I’m not trying to go there.
A couple of people have told me today that I seem so cheerful and in such a good mood. Umm… okay…but when I thought about it, I am actually pretty darn cheerful. Not cheerful… but pleasant… vaguely upbeat. I think I may still be on a furniture high…or the afterglow :) And of course the fact that I saw my babbby last night. *sighs* I am just so thrilled with this man. I refuse to think about life with him… but sometimes it sneaks into the back of my consciousness. And actually…it’s a happy thought. Scary… yes.. but I don’t think I would mind. :) *sighs* Ahh…. So wonderful.
This weekend I’m going out with a girly from work *thinks* I’ll call her M. We usually go to see a play once a month, but as the both of us are a liiitttllle tight on money this month, we decided to go out to the movies instead. *sighs* We need to start doing some real ‘funner’ stuff together. I don’t know if she drinks or shakes her ass…I know that she considers herself a ‘Christian’, so I’m not sre how much of that she gets into. :) That is kinda why (I think) that we are….just acquaintances. I will find some other folx that I can truly kick it with.
I joined the Camera Club here at work, and I am going to submit some pictures that I took a while ago for the contest. The two categories are Macro (which is my THING) and repeating patterns. I have some repeating patterns work that I did a while ago while I Was giving myself assignments, but I’m not sure how good any of it is. Hm. I will go home and pour out my old pictures and take a good look see. There is no reason for me NOT to participate, especially considering the fact that I KNOW I have pictures that can be submitted in at least one, if not both categories. Also, I’m interested in seeing who else is a member of the club. Who knows who I might meet… *sighs*
My dilly butt keeps forgetting to bring the driving school information to work with me so that I can call them and sign up for the next series of classes. I have GOT to be ready to get my car. I just have to. *sighs* I think that I will not get it until mid to late September. That gives me more time to save, more time to pay off more bills, and more time to have the license before I get the car. *shrugs* It also insures that I will only have to pay for a couple of months of insurance at the higher ‘under 25’ rate. *rolls eyes* As if a couple of months will really make a difference in my maturity level. You would think that people would understand that a few months really don’t make that much of a difference. But I guess with any age related limit, there comes a point where only a few months are the difference between one thing and another. *shrugs* That is just the way things end up. I think I will go to a thrift store today. *sighs* I WANNA buy stuff for my place, but I feel really bad about spending the money. So I figure if I can get some GREAT stuff for like really really really reallly cheap… then I won’t feel quite so bad. *sighs* I want some PLANTS danggit all… I never did get any. *sighs* See… there is the one thing that ALWAYS manages to bring me down. Cash. Ugh!


Stay Jazzed.

Thems the Peaks

The only time I really appreciate my mood swings are when they catapult me into the realm of amazing feel-good-ishness. It’s vaguely like being high.. be totally of my own creation. *smiles* Feeling totally at peace, like my mind and my body have forgiven each other totally. I don’t hurt.. my hands, feet, ankles or stuff. I am….so gone to be completely sober, and it kinda makes me sad because I know that this wonderful wonderful feeling won’t last for long.. and mercy help me but I’m at work which means I can’t get too much pleasure out of it ANYWAY. *smiles* Ah well.. I get to be trippy for a little while at least.

Me & Chef went out to a Japanese place last night (ummm..suuushi!!!!) and had enormous amounts of fun. : ) I wasn’t sure how much of a mood to go out I was gonna be in, but after a nice 2 hour nap I was raring to go. We had sake…and MAN! That stuff packs a serious punch. It tastes rather like white wine, but boy oh boy. To be stuff an itty bitty lil bit, that stuff hits you hard and fades rather nicely. So of course we were quite the two giggles boxes. : ) Maybe my joy right now is a residual from that gigglemania.

Umm… I’m nervous. I’m going to get my furniture tonight, and if they don’t have it *sighs* I am gonna be so so so grumpy. But I might find something else instead. *crosses fingers hopefully* I have a lot more money left (after paying bills) than I thought I would, which is a side effect of paying the minimums this month instead of the hundred or so dollars extra that I usually pay every month. So, I’m pretty sure that I will be able to find SOMETHING that I can live with. *sighs*
I’m remarkably bored today. I actually HAD something to do, but then messing around with installing a new GUI broke the connection that I had to part of the system that I needed to test, so basically I’m screwed. Now I’m sitting here reading old Salon articles…getting upset and exulted in turn. Hm. My new issue of Ms. should be coming soon. I can’t wait.

Stay Jazzed.

P.S. My stuff don’t hurt no more…. : )

Death (the short blurry version)

Ugh. I want to be surrounded by intelligence & inspiration, not doom & gloom. *sighs* Mood swings! Hello… I really really hate these things. And I don’t wanna be moody when my momma gets here, that would just ruin the whole week. Anyhow…this line from a song keeps looping through my head ‘ What if God was one of us??’. I don’t know who sings it, but it is going to drive me batttyyyyy.

Hm. Something else I have been thinking about for a while. There is so much advice on how to live longer…but so little advice on how to live better. I mean we are ALLL going to die right? No matter what we do in this life, we are going to die. That is really all there is to it. So instead of trying to drag out a life that is not as full of joy & pleasure as possible, maybe people should focus on making the time they have better. People get sick and ask the doctor “Am I going to die?” and the doctor lies and says “Of course not.” TELL THE TRUTH! OF course you are going to die, we all die…the important part is to fill the life you have with life.

*sighs* I am making no sense here… I feel like my head is going in eight different directions at once, and all of them are screaming sleep! sleep! sleep! yeech.


Stay jazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*wakes up*ed

Weekend Woes and Wonders

Yesterday was an official gloriously pissy day. I was in a nasty mood for most of the day, and insisted that I be by myself and in bed. I ate badly, watched bad TV, and left the house in more of a wreck than it was when I started the weekend. I realized that I haven’t luxuriated in a bad mood in a while. I have been so busy worrying about why I was grumpy, I wasn’t enjoying it. Why was I grumpy? No particular reason, just grumpy.
Saturday however was most of a blast. I went out with a couple of sistas from work, and we went to a step show and just kinda hung out at the Classic. It was a lot of fun…I miss hanging out with women.

Blagh. Don’t have much to talk about today…maybe as the day goes on I will figure out something to blab on about, but for right now…I’m okay.

I got my nails done yesterday, and I have been admiring them since then. They are so shiny and frsh and pink looking. I didn’t put any color on them (as I have been going around for a while au natural) and I really like it. Some slightly more radical people might see a contradiction in me wearing my hair natural and my nails fake…but I just work with what I want and what I know.

Hormones, Anyone?

*smiles* All I have to say is PMS is a mess & a half.

Stay Jazzed.

Danger Will Robinson Danger

Somedays I feel so totally lost. Like there is something that I should be doing, or something that I NEED to be doing, that I can’t touch or even verbalize to myself. Melancholy they call it.. I think. I sit and want to let tears roll down my face for the simple pleasure of feeling something other than the dullness of my life. I feel like there is something surrounding me that I am just too bogged down in everything else to see, but when I look to find that everything else that is holding me back I find nothing that can be pared away, that everything I have I think I need…that everything I think I need is so much less than I want to have.

Sleep is a good cure for this.. drift away into a state where nothing exists… where all that is, is a figment of my mind… where nothing can intrude.

Maybe not lost… I feel like something is missing. like there is a hole where there wasn’t one before. a wound bleeding not blood but spirit. *sighs* maybe I’m just sleepy. This doesn’t seem to be one of those holes that prodding helps heal. *sighs* maybe I’m just lonely. maybe I’m just lost from the rest of the world. Maybe I’m just…drifting. Mercy forgive me.

argh.

Stay Jazzed.

Of a Chicken and It's Head

Okay.. so I'm tired. Grumpy. Hating most of humankind right now. And so...into it all it is amazing.

My labor Day weekend was lovely... I had two old friends and one new friend staying in my place for Black Pride and we ran the streets every night. The only thing that I regretted was the fact that there was not more of a mixed scene. The women had their own parties and the men had theirs. So I was living in a happy little gay world for a while. Then Monday... I was on the train..having spent and absolutely lovely day hanging out with JEH.. and I hear the comments start.... there are two obviously gay & in love Black men sitting in front of us.. and when they get off the comments.. nasty hateful cutting comments start.

My whole little happy bubble of peace and contentment crashed in hard & sudden. I felt so furious & so sad & so helpless all at once. I just left the company of men who were better then those who threw the comments.. so much so that it would put them to shame.. yet since they fuck women they are considered some sort of superior being.
I wanted to cry.
I have never felt so...so hopeless. How...why do people hate so much? It goes beyond the human thing of fearing what you don't understand...it goes beyond a social thing of thinking that it is immoral.. it goes into a whole nother level... a entirely different realm of the blackness of the human heart.
I wanted to scream.
How DARE they say such things? What gave them the right? And why...why did those two brothers have to walk out of the train hearing those words in thier ears... keeping THAT as the last memory they had of this city? How can people be so cruel...to those that they don't even know?
And...worst of all I felt ashamed.
Shamed because I kept silent...shamed because my heart wept and I could do nothing. Shamed because I was so secure in my appereance of hetrosexuality that I would be approved...even tho I love just as they do. And I wondered...as I looked around the crowded train... how many other hearts were weeping in the silence... where all we could hear echoing in our ears was

North Avenue Station. Where all the faggots and the sisses and the girly boys get off to fuck each other and fuck up the world. Man I HATE them bitches. I wish they would all die.. I wish they all had AIDS. I wish one of them would look at me so I could beat his punk ass down


I'm running around
like a chicken with no head
I have gone beyond
being a chicken head
to something far more rare
and far harder to see
a woman
who wants
the world to be
like me.

Stay Jazzed.

Dreamin a New World

I wanna curl up
in the infinity
that is your eyes
and humm a lullaby
that stretches from here
to there
and connects my heart to you
I wanna lay down
under you
and let your smell
enter me
move me
take me
awwwwwaaaayyyyy
I wanna love you
like never before
and like never again
and love you
everyday
the same way
I wanna be YOURS
in a way that stamps you all
over me
and my heart
and can never be erased.

damn. I have decided that my heart is actually in my stomach.. cuz EVERYTIME something happens.. emotionally stressful to me… my stomach hurts. And ever since I have come home from home *laughs* my stomach has been aching. Between being simply SCARED as shit about going ‘back’ to school… the worries about me taking on a leadership role in my sorority, and my money issues…. *sighs* I think I have actually lost weight. And… *sighs* I don’t know….It’s odd to have so much.. undirected worry. I have really.. no reason to worry. All I have to do is be sure to…handle my business and myself well.
*sighs* but like I have always said.. I have so little faith in myself…. *frowns* I just have all these GRADIOSE plans… and no freaking follow through. *sighs* but this isn’t gonna be a beat down or a bitch session.. no not at all… This was supposed to be an uplifting moment…or at least the beginning of one. *sighs* I felt this way when I left Tech too tho…just lost & adrift & shit.
For some reason I haven’t felt like writing much lately. I have been thinking about nothing really… I feel blank. blagh. like everything interesting has been wiped out of my head.. and what is left I’m not quite ready to put down on paper yet. I’m not ready to make them real…which is what recording something has always meant to me. Somehow you are making it more real.
I have been having some… incredible dreams lately. Sadly, I can’t really remember them.. I just know that they have been simply wondrous. I think that may be one of the reasons that I sleep so much.. I simply get sucked into the dream so much that I don’t want to get up...and I think that I want to go to sleep so that I can get sucked in… *sighs* I need to start keeping a dream journal next to my bed.
I feel myself slipping into a state of depression & withdrawal.. and I’m really trying to fight it tooth and nail… because I DON’T need to be.. I can’t be down while I’m starting school. I will be really really shooting myself in the foot. I may go and get some St. John’s Wort (yeah self dosing) and try taking that an a daily basis. and I NEED to take my ass to the gym again and start getting some endorphins flowing.
*sighs* but really… all I want to do is sleep….and

Stay Jazzed.

Shades of Orange

Fragile…like a ice flower made of steel. So strong yet so brittle…another kind of fragile.
*sighs* That is how I feel right now…like my mind is on an edge, just as strong as it once was... but so cold it has become brittle…and dangerously delicate. IT scares me…feeling so totally…. Out of myself. *sighs* I feel disconnected… like I pulled a plug between my brain and my heart and it is dangling somewhere. I explained to one of my friends…I am a moody person…but all my moods are ranges of blue. Sunlight blue & sky blue & dark night blue & eye blue & sea blue & Kool-Aid blue. But this state I am in now is orange…something totally NOT blue…not really me. *sighs* I have been reading more & more about depression…and I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I may suffer from it… and sometimes I just sink a little further into it. *thinks* I used to be so driven..so…motivated …so energetic. And then something changed and I turned into a sloth… *sighs* I don’t WANT to be a sloth..but I don’t have the energy or the…. ‘oomph!’ to unsluggy myself. I have a list of places that you can go to to get a free screening… *sighs* but that would mean mustering up the energy to do so. *shrugs & sighs* inertia & melancholy… a dreadful combo.

things always come in bunches
it seems
loss of hopes
loss of lives
loss of dreams

I’m concerned about my sexuality AGAIN…but this time the other way around. For some reason…the thought of being with a man…is... *gags* yicky to me. *shakes head* I don’t know… I haven’t had real sex with a man…by real sex I mean…*sighs* I don’t know… I got some from the back about three weeks ago… but hell…Tfemale has done better with a dildo. So what is my problem you ask? *shrugs* I don’t know… I feel like I have been tossed into a whirlwind and everything is up in the air. Nothing is stable…*sighs* I don’t know what’s wrong…and it’s scaring me.

It is so odd to be SO aware of the fact that something is wrong. *sighs* And I was hoping that the more I wrote/talked about it the better it would be...but it’s not. Something is wrong and I don’t know what it is.. I’m off balance and out of whack and I can’t TALK to anyone about it because I wouldn’t know what words to put together to make it clear. God/dess…this is horrible…I feel like I want to curl up in ball and just cry…for no damn reason at all.

And then three hours later… I feel fine. Or I at least feel fine enough to ignore the fact that I don’t feel so fine at all. And as long as I don’t think about how not fine I feel…I feel great. And life is sunny. And as long as I don’t look STRAIGHT up I can avoid seeing the storm cloud. And as long as I can convince myself that ‘it is all in my head’ (I think I am a junior hypochondriac) I don’t have to worry that something may be wrong.

I needed to talk to somebody so bad last night.. and so I called CAK. HE was worried about me at first…*grins* I guess he figured that the only reason I would break my ‘no long distance’ rule in a case of fire emergency.. but I just wanted to talk…to somebody. *sighs* it is SOOO frustrating to want to say something at simply not be able to put it into words…especially for a writer. Everything can be expressed by words except for this whirlwind in my head. I don’t know what I wanted to say…but he made me feel better. *sighs* I can’t wait for him to come down here. *frowns* even tho I’m not sure as to how good the tickets will be (damn me for waiting so long) just having him here will be great & wonderful & stuff. I have this urge to reach out to people… I want to connect somehow and bring myself back together…but not sexually… what a shock. I don’t want to talk about sex.. I don’t want to think about sex, I don’t even want to her other’s tales about sex. *siiiggghhhhs*

The OD is letting me keep track of my moods…but I don’t think this is part of any kinda cycle…*sighs* or weather or anything else. Dammit. And somehow…the thought of staying Jazzed is the furthest thing from my mind.

I think it's bout time that I ring a bell &

move along.....

*sucks in a really really really deep breath* Okay.. I am suffering from some serious interpersonal issues. I feel totally crazy. I snap at friends…I lie to acquaintances…I feel like I am spiraling out of control and I don’t know what to do. And I have this overwhelming urge to get delightfully and smashingly drunk...which somehow I don’t think would be too wise. *sighs* and then I am so worried about MJW. Something is pushing me to get in touch with him.. I am actually worried about him for some reason…more because I just need to know that he is okay than anything else.

Anyway… *stretches & wiggles toes* I want to get a pedicure I think… *sighs* something is seriously wrong with me over here…and I have no clue what or why…*sighs*

I don’t even feel like writing.

And I sure as HELL don’t feel like trying to

Stay Jazzed.

Back On Track Again.

Hello hello hello again.. I’m back back back. *grins* The weekend was great great & wonderful. I feeling kinda peppy, mainly because I am reaching a goal… kinda sorta…with little to no effort. The goal? Making my house a home…the little to no effort… MOMMMMMMMY!!!! *does a cheering kick & applause* She got here on Saturday ( I picked her up from the airport fresh from a session with T&T. Yeah I KNOW I said I wasn’t going over there.. but hearing Tfemale beg is enough to weaken even the hardest anti horny heart) So I went.. and I came *sighs* annnyhoow…. My mommy met T&T (they dropped me off) and she said that they looked like a nice couple *evil grin* If only she KNEW. We went running around right away… we went to *thinks* all over the city that first day… saw Matrix (great movie) and ended up eating out. Sunday.. we did a lot of shopping for house stuff, and continued that fun on Monday. Today.. I THINK she is home cleaning. * shakes head* I LOVE my mom man. She knows that I am spoiled… and we both admit to it…but still…she is the BOMB. So what else had been going on?
As much as I love my momma...she is a bit of a worry wart and she is about to drive me BATTY talking about my apartment. I KNOW I ain’t in the best part of town...but I don’t have to live with my neighbors. And I am not afraid of them...I live IN my house.. not out there. *shrugs* Yeah they are noisy but.. *shrugs* hey.. I look at it as encouragement to get my degree, stay un-pregnant, and do what I have to do so that I will NEVER end up like them. Anyway.

I have expanded my favorites list to include close to 20 diaries, and I have noticed an odd tend amongst them. All of a sudden almost everyone seems to be depressed, even the normally cheerful ones. It is like something is sweeping through and screwing up all of the hormonal balances among that group. *sighs* And I know that I am not immune to it. Saturday, I was in the biggest funk that could have existed for a while. I was so ready to just get up and walk out of the house…and I can feel that I am easily aggravated, and that the LITTLEST things will just ruin my mood. *shrugs* I don’t know…the swings are starting to get to me though, because I never know what I will feel like doing form one moment to another. And I realized that I have a very… blasé attitude about a lot. *laughs* My mom is bringing some of this out of me I’m sure. This is the first time we have really interacted on a one to one basis where I am kinda mature & independent. Or at least more so than ever before...so it is kinda odd.
I think I’m babbling now….but I’m trying to use up these last few moments of time that I am at work. *thinks* I want to go and lay out in the grass for a little while. Pretend to be young & free again. *yawns* I think I might need to expand the definition of Jazzed pretty soon…cuz if I’m Jazzybelle…then being Jazzed means being me…and goddess KNOWS….I am a lot more than what that definition said. *shakes head* I am soo sleepy now. Ah well… I’m gone… and as I go... I will…

Stay Jazzed.