Shades of Orange

Fragile…like a ice flower made of steel. So strong yet so brittle…another kind of fragile.
*sighs* That is how I feel right now…like my mind is on an edge, just as strong as it once was... but so cold it has become brittle…and dangerously delicate. IT scares me…feeling so totally…. Out of myself. *sighs* I feel disconnected… like I pulled a plug between my brain and my heart and it is dangling somewhere. I explained to one of my friends…I am a moody person…but all my moods are ranges of blue. Sunlight blue & sky blue & dark night blue & eye blue & sea blue & Kool-Aid blue. But this state I am in now is orange…something totally NOT blue…not really me. *sighs* I have been reading more & more about depression…and I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I may suffer from it… and sometimes I just sink a little further into it. *thinks* I used to be so driven..so…motivated …so energetic. And then something changed and I turned into a sloth… *sighs* I don’t WANT to be a sloth..but I don’t have the energy or the…. ‘oomph!’ to unsluggy myself. I have a list of places that you can go to to get a free screening… *sighs* but that would mean mustering up the energy to do so. *shrugs & sighs* inertia & melancholy… a dreadful combo.

things always come in bunches
it seems
loss of hopes
loss of lives
loss of dreams

I’m concerned about my sexuality AGAIN…but this time the other way around. For some reason…the thought of being with a man…is... *gags* yicky to me. *shakes head* I don’t know… I haven’t had real sex with a man…by real sex I mean…*sighs* I don’t know… I got some from the back about three weeks ago… but hell…Tfemale has done better with a dildo. So what is my problem you ask? *shrugs* I don’t know… I feel like I have been tossed into a whirlwind and everything is up in the air. Nothing is stable…*sighs* I don’t know what’s wrong…and it’s scaring me.

It is so odd to be SO aware of the fact that something is wrong. *sighs* And I was hoping that the more I wrote/talked about it the better it would be...but it’s not. Something is wrong and I don’t know what it is.. I’m off balance and out of whack and I can’t TALK to anyone about it because I wouldn’t know what words to put together to make it clear. God/dess…this is horrible…I feel like I want to curl up in ball and just cry…for no damn reason at all.

And then three hours later… I feel fine. Or I at least feel fine enough to ignore the fact that I don’t feel so fine at all. And as long as I don’t think about how not fine I feel…I feel great. And life is sunny. And as long as I don’t look STRAIGHT up I can avoid seeing the storm cloud. And as long as I can convince myself that ‘it is all in my head’ (I think I am a junior hypochondriac) I don’t have to worry that something may be wrong.

I needed to talk to somebody so bad last night.. and so I called CAK. HE was worried about me at first…*grins* I guess he figured that the only reason I would break my ‘no long distance’ rule in a case of fire emergency.. but I just wanted to talk…to somebody. *sighs* it is SOOO frustrating to want to say something at simply not be able to put it into words…especially for a writer. Everything can be expressed by words except for this whirlwind in my head. I don’t know what I wanted to say…but he made me feel better. *sighs* I can’t wait for him to come down here. *frowns* even tho I’m not sure as to how good the tickets will be (damn me for waiting so long) just having him here will be great & wonderful & stuff. I have this urge to reach out to people… I want to connect somehow and bring myself back together…but not sexually… what a shock. I don’t want to talk about sex.. I don’t want to think about sex, I don’t even want to her other’s tales about sex. *siiiggghhhhs*

The OD is letting me keep track of my moods…but I don’t think this is part of any kinda cycle…*sighs* or weather or anything else. Dammit. And somehow…the thought of staying Jazzed is the furthest thing from my mind.