Super Woman

We all have our faults. The failings that haunt us in the dark and make us feel less than human. Less than the person that we want to be. We all have our faults. Some are physical…I’m too fat…I’m too skinny…I’m not strong enough/pretty enough/man enough/woman enough. Some are mental…I’m too slow…I’m not smart…I’m not a math whiz. And some, the worst of all, are emotional. The ones that say that ‘I’m not worthy’…of anything. The ones that make you believe in everything and everyone other than yourself. The failings that redefine who you are, and suddenly have you believing that you are a lot less than you could be.

Somehow, I have grown old & stagnant over the past year. I was challenged by something that was too much & too great for me and I failed. Failed who? No one…but myself & my own image of WHO I was. I failed to beat this thing…and in that loss, I lost a chunk of myself. Actually, I just lost TOUCH with a chunk of myself. That piece of myself is still in me… but.. *sighs* I am having a remarkably hard time getting in touch with her. It is that piece of me that allows me to be firm in myself… that gives me the strength and the back bone to define myself as I am…as I see me. *sighs* And it’s kinda scary to think that I have attempted to replace that missing piece of me with.. other expressions. *shrugs* mainly sex…thank god never drugs. *sighs* I feel like I have poured all of my hopes and my dreams of who I thought I was and who I wanted to be out in an outpouring of the one thing that I have always ‘succeeded’ in…sex. I was afraid…and my fear limited me.

Never before had I been afraid. Never before did I understand the pain and the crippling of a failure. And honestly… I have no clue how to deal with it. Thanks to hours of therapy (NASB…you the WOMAN!!) I can face it... but... how to live with it? That I’m not sure how to do…how do I live with the knowledge that I am NOT perfect… that everything I do CAN go wrong…but it can also go right? How can I build up the belief in myself again that says…the trying is more important than the succeeding… because trying over and over again gives one a better chance OF succeeding.. *sighs* How can I consciously FACE my fears…face and overcome them?? CAK believes in the power of prayer…Nee believes in herself…MJW…hell I’m not sure what he believes in… *sighs* mostly likely himself. *sighs*

It’s time for be to become me again. To become the woman that I am growing towards…to destroy the construct that I have build in a effort to be perfect... to be more than human. I think this…the trying to be after the falling down…will be harder than the falling down itself ever was. We all have faults…it is part of being human. And now comes the super human part…accepting them…and moving on.

Stay Jazzed.