Love don't Love you...

I’m going home this weekend. Whoo. Yeah.. me.. I’m going home this weekend. To see my grandmother, and to see Final Performance at Upward Bound…and to see MJW. I’m not nervous. I’m not even scared. Apprehensive? Maybe… I feel like my going home now is about to have me turn a corner I’m not sure if I am ready to face. I have come to a bridge that I’m not sure if I am ready to SEE much less cross. And yet…if our history stands good…nothing will change. It will be like any other time…me aching to see him, him cool, calm & ever so fucking collected. And the images of things that his boyfriend has inserted into my head of times when he is…not… *shakes head* some things you just don’t need to know.
He calls me sister.
I’m done. That is all I have to say about that.

I have been having the oddest series of dreams lately.
Psychosomatic hint – when you get a gentle throbbing headache at the THOUGHT of actually fully and totally letting yourself fall in love…there is a problem.



I want to be in love
wrapped in it like a wool
blanket
soft and irritating
all at once
I want to be in love
like a fish in tea
knowing everything is so right
but something is so wrong too
I want to be IN love
like drowning in air
knowing that something so
impossible
presents a mental puzzle
that will take me a lifetime
to solve
I want to be in love
like a perfect day
that is created
with no help from me
but
just the ability to see it
I want to be in love
until I can’t breathe
until I can’t speak
until I can’t see
because I am hiding
under the covers
of my love filled
bed

I want to fall in love
like falling into a tar pit
sticky
warm
and utterly inescapable
I want to fall in love
with the perfect man
for someone else
and the perfect fit
for me
I want to fall in love
like a egg
dropped from the 13th floor
changed
into something utterly different
and better
in some ways
than it was before
I want to fall in love
again
for good
forever
with someBODY
who wants to fall in love too
I want to fall in love
for all the wrong reasons
and with all the right intentions
and somehow
make it all come up
dandelions.