I had lovely hot steaming....

SEX last night. RAWR!!! Wonderful stuff, just wonderful.

And we talked...it was rather interesting, talking to him in such an - open way. I mean, it was - WONDERFUL really....we talked, we cleared some things up - we really connected (in ever so many ways). It was ALMOST better than the orgasms!!

I also met a lady (woman, girl? lady just sounds - old fashioned - ah!) chica last night that I had been talking to online. I'm so not looking for just a hit & Run, and I think that is where her head was at - esp. considering she was whining that I taught her 'patience' by not meeting her AT HER HOUSE the first night we talked, and instead waited until Wednesday (gasp!! a whole FOUR days) to meet her face to face. *rolls eyes* She was a cool sis, but had almost no class, no openness - and seemed to have SERIOUS issues with homosexuality. I'm sorry, I KNOW that I'm not healthy, but there seems to be something really twisted in WANTING a woman - and then turning up your nose at a table with a lesbian couple sitting there. Uh-Uh....not trying to be your therapist darling, I got one of them already! *laugh* She also seemed traumatized by the fact that I have a therapist - ah well......

I'm talking to a few other women, and I've joined a discussion/support group for black bi women, and I'm VERY happy to be a part of that group. The focus is on support and sisterhood, NOT sex (though they do have a spicier side group) and - *sigh* I'm really enjoying it. I MISS having girlfriends dammit - or at least sistagals I can hang out with....

looking forward to this weekend......I just wanna - RELAX.

Oohhh....

a very rare entry from home. I've gotten mostly caught up on my 'home' stuff, though I STILL haven't washed my hair. Gah!

Let's see - what else? Ah yes - two days away from the first appointment with the therapist, it should be interesting seeing how that goes. I'm - gah - I'm confused by MYSELF right about now. I mean - am I just bored with my husband? I don't think so - I mean, he's still sexy, wonderful, amazing, giving, loving - all that good shit - it's just that I so RARELY wanna have sex with him.

And then, I'm thinking about this whole girlfriend thing, and while I think it'll be fun for a while, I'm SERIOUSLY not trying to find a 'girlfriend'. I want a running partner that I can have sex with sometimes - I think another married woman would actually be easiest - I guess I'm kinda nervous about T's expectations - and since she's a virgin - I REALLY don't wanna break her. *snicker* Besides the fact that the woman hasn't had sex in two years, and she doesn't own any toys - hell, I take that back, she might break ME. But - we'll see if there is any chemistry there. And once again, it's the whole one-on-one thing.... gah! Somehow, I don't THINK there honestly will be any chemistry - she's - needy. *shudder* And I really think she wants romance....and I'm like the anti-romantic - loving as hell, but - romance? ughha. I wanna be a slutwife. *sigh*

And I've also ALWAYS gotten along better with boys - just period. So - *sigh* I don't know what the hell I'm doing. We'll see.

postweekend rambles

It's been a good weekend - had sex AGAIN - spontaneous, right before he went to work. It was fun - quick, easy, and I tormented him a little afterwards (thank YOU, Dr. Kegel!!) I think I must be ovulating, because I've used by vibrator almsot everynight before I go to sleep. I'm a naughty girl - my favorite fantasy is most likely one of the least socially acceptable ones, and my second favorite involves exhibitionism. Years ago, I said if I ever lost enough weight, I would most likely get a parttime job stripping. Heaven knows I've got the boobs & ass for it - if I could only get rid of me tummy.

What else? I've started the hunt for a girlfriend - yes, I know it sounds odd since I have a low(er) libidio, but I really think that part of it is because I AM bisexual - no shadow of a doubt there, and if I only express half of my libidio, I repress the whole of my libidio - it's actually been really fun - and I figure I'll have a better chance of finding a woman who is interested in me AND my hubby quicker if I just look on my own rather than as a couple. I've actually MET one girl already - she is in my bookclub, and we actually met online - and it took us a day or so to realize that we had already met earlier - had no clue that the other swung that way either. We are supposed to meet this weekend - I'm SO excited, and I hope she feels the same way. She's a virgin - so THAT's going to be interesting, but - I think it'll be cool - even if we don't hit it off sexually, I think that I might have discovered a running partner. She's a bit older than me - but based on her attitude, you wouldn't guess it.

I'm getting involved in a lot of other things too - I'm the admin for our bookclub, I'm doing the lifepath training, I'm a moderator of one of the bi yahoogroups in Memphis - what else? Work - of course! Putting together our house (naturally!) but - I'm not going to let all of the good/happy/wonderful feelings/things that I'm doing let me convince myself that I shouldn't still go to therapy - it's going to be interesting talking to this lady - I'm going to have to feel her out - because I don't care how 'objective' a therapist is supposed to be, there's always the likelihood that her own opinions on the 'proper' relationships won't match mine - and I'm sorry - I DON'T know what my issues are, but being bi is most certainly not one of them. Being interested in a poly marraige isn't one of them either - and I'd be damned if someone tries to pin my issues on that. *sigh* Accept me for the whole woman that I am, mmkay?

I've always noticed that I work better in 3's than I do in couples - for example, if it's just me & another person talking - I tend to be shy/reserved - but get me around two or more people, and a whole nother bubbly, social, talkative as HELL side comes out. My image a perfect relationship/living situation has always been a commune along the lines of what Friday had from Robert Heinlien's book Friday. A large marriage group, with everyone responsible for raising the children, for supporting the family as a whole, in a big ass house on a couple of acres of land. Basically, a commune. I should run that idea past C and see what he thinks - I'm so cool with the concept of multiple wives/husbands - even if all the wives AREN'T bi - it's more about the concept of an extended, reliable, loving familyunit than it about the sex.

Proud

I'm just about bursting with pride over here. I'm throughly and utterly proud of myself.

I'm shy. Not painfully - at least once I get through it, but it's hard (read damn near impossible) for me to take that first step and reach out to new people. But, I know that I'm not going to make friends sitting at home (no matter how fabulous the net is).
So - I joined a mailing list for GLBT people in Indiana called "Mutual Friends". Basically it's a mailing list for friendships and events in the area. Today, I got a email from the mailing list about a poetry reading in a local bookstore. It took me about 2 hours to talk myself into going, and I didn't take any of my poetry - because I had no intention of doing anything but reading.
I get there - and it's PAINFUL. I went in and browsed for a while, then finally sat down and waited.
Mind you, 1) I'm biseuxal, and I've run into some reallly sucky situations when it comes to lesbians. 2) I'm black, and while that doesn't matter to most people -I've never really interacted much with non-black people before I graduated from college. I went to an almost all black high school, in an mostly all black town, and then, went to an all black, all girls college. So - while after a while I don't notice it - it's still a little odd (for me) to be the ONLY black person at an event. I get over it pretty quick, but still.... Finally - I was the youngest person there - by at LEAST 10 years. So yeah - I was almost struck dumb.
But - I had fun. The ice was broken when someone started talking about Lord of the Rings. After that - they started reading poetry. It was rather good, and I started getting twitchy - wishing I had brought someo f my own to share. :) Me!! Super shy, super protective of her poetry ME! Thinking about sharing some of my babies with a bunch of Late Blooming gay folx!! *grins* I ended up giving a bit that I managed to remember - and got a GREAT response. *LOL* They LIKED me!!! (Or at least my poetry).

I feel like I'm on a high. I've NEVER done anything like this - and heaven knows I've never done anything like this BY MYSELF.
Even better - I want to go to more readings - and actually read. While I DID have fun with them tonight, and will most likely go back next month, I DO want to make friends - my age. :) So... one of the guys there said that there is a poetry reading almost every night SOMEWHERE in Indy. *deep breath*

So. I'm SO freaking proud of myself I could SPIT.


*spit*spit*spit*

What about the dick?

Hmm… Desert Rein left me a note a while ago on my R&D Rules entry asking why it HAD to be a him, or is other words, why I was assuming that the person I would find to spend the rest of my life with would be a man, rather than a woman. Since I AM still bi, it is a worthy question, and I was actualy asking myself that question when I was writing the entry. I realized, as I wrote the entry, that what I wanted out of life, and out of a long term relationship, I wouldn’t be able to get from a woman. Sexist? Yes.. but that is kinda who I am. Or at least what I am. So.. what does man have & can possibly give me that a woman couldn’t?

1) Children. Yes, I could adopt…in fact I still plan on adopting kids. But I want to have children, and have their father in their life. I want to at least try to have the lovely 2.4 kid home with the cat & the dog and all that jazz.

2) Social Identity. *hangs head* Yes I do still care about what my momma and the rest of the world think of me, and mercy knows that I ain’t strong enough or ready enough to love a woman for life.

3) I don’t think that I WANT to be with a woman for life. I will always love women, and I will always be sexually attracted to them. But forever? I don’t know if I am bi enough for that. Sad huh?

But, at least I am being truthful with myself. I am not looking for a woman to spend the rst of my life with, though if one does happen to drop into my life, I won’t turn her away. I am not, nor will I actively look for her though. *shrugs*
Makes sense to me….though I don’t know about anybody else. Ugh, it’s after kunch and I am sleeeppppy.


Stay Jazzed.

Issues: Part 1

*sighs*
The times of my life... I tell you.. sometimes I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I have a pair of issues that I am dealing with right now... and none of them do I know what to do with.... okay...

1) Tashi.
She isn’t an issue in and of herself. It is more how I interact with her that is the issue. I don’t know really what she wants from me and that does make a difference in how I treat her. It has too. I am afraid that she wants more than I am willing to give. In fact I know that she wants more than I am willing to give, and I have to wonder if she will be happy with what I can offer. It’s odd because I don’t write about her much, and what I do write about her tends to be really superficial...but this time I need.. I want to go down deep into our relationship. We started as partners in a three-some. I wanted her husband first, then I wanted her. I got her.. mostly to myself, and loved it. I loved that fact that I didn’t have her all to myself either. Then he got tired of seeing the love that he felt was his go to another and he left. Now I have her all to myself and I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t really want a girlfriend, not because she is a girlfriend but more because I have no freaking clue what to do with her. How to work that whole human to human interaction thing when there is a ‘relationship’ involved. I don’t know how to balance her emotions with my general cool, calm and damn near Vulcan side. I don’t know how to tell her what I want, because I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I feel that it is unfair of me to ask her to put up with me not knowing what or who I want from one moment to the next. I wonder how long she will endure it. How long I will let her endure it.
What brought all this to a head?? This past week has sucked majorly as far as our relationship goes. It started on MLK Day ( well actually the day before) when I had been at her house, or a t least with her for almost a week straight. I had to be gone and on my way by 8 the next morning and I wanted to go home. However I knew that she would not be happy about the fact that I was leaving, and so I put off asking her to take me home/to the train station. When I finally did ask her.. she got quite upset and damn near started tearing up. Now.. if there is one thing I can’t stand it is anyone evincing a dependency on me that smacks of need. *frowns* I don’t know if that came out right. I hate to feel as though I am such a part of someone that if I am not there they are not happy. It scares me, and it is more emotional responsibility than I think that anyone should have to deal with. Missing someone is cool.... if you haven’t seen them for over a month. But a day? A few days? A night? *sighs* too much drama for me. So that started my coolness. I wanted her to back off, to release some part of her need for me. Apparently I did the job slip shod and half assedly because now she says that she is afraid to ask me over, afraid to touch me for fear that I don’t want to be touched. *sighs* and that is how this past week has gone.. me not wanting to touch her cuz I think she is mad, her not wanting to touch me for fear that I will be cold. So that is the state of affairs that I am at know. And since, according to the talk that we had this morning, the stiffness that has crept into our relationship is mostly my fault.. I have to come up with some solutions to it. *shrugs* Honestly...I don’t really know what to do. So far I have only come up with three 1) Break up. Just toss the relationship out, and keep the friendship 2) Forget the whole thing ever happened. Write it off as a miscommunication and forget about it 3) Start over. Set up guidelines for each thing that happens. For each occurrence of miscommunication, gain a bureaucracy that will attempt to rule our hearts and our minds. Those have been the only things that I have been able to come up with and I am not sure that any of them will work. Which would I prefer?? I don’t know.... to me friends have always been more important and more rare than lovers. Thus... if we break up and keep the friendship, I would be happy. If we stay together and keep the friendship, I would be happy. And, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she was trying to stay friends with her soon to be ex husband. But with him the love had faded to be replaced with a kind of endurance. She put up with him, endured him, and that was about it. I don’t think that she was any longer in love with him, and that of course, makes all the difference. I think that I will do a reading with my love cards and see what they say.

Coming Out of The Box

I read an article not too long ago about how some fundamentalists types were accusing some large universities (oh how I WISH I had remembered more details) of concealing rampant lesbianism in their Women's Studies departments. They went as far to say that the school should be honest and call them Lesbian Studies so that girls would not be drawn to the department under false pretences. This has been floating in the underbelly of my mind for a while... and it wasn't until I started really READING about the history of my college (an all women's school) that the reason for its continual floating in my mind.

One) Okay... yeah... sometimes the Women's Studies Department does have slightly more gay/bi women in it than most other departments. It is a matter of going where you heart leads you. But at the same time... there are more straight folx out there than gay ones ANYWAY.... * rolls eyes * so that is kind of a moot point.

The next thing that intrigues me was something very simple.... but frightening at the same time... The fundamentalist assumed that because it was Women's Studies...most of the women interested would be gay ones. They believed somehow... that the determination of real woman hood is only in relation to manhood. And while I can in my logical mind understand that concept of polarities. (man/woman dark/bright young/old), the intuitive portion of me recoils from it. Why...are we defined in terms of what the other lacks? Why... in order for me to be considered a 'real' woman.... I must shun all of those things that have been classified as 'manly'? Why ... in order to be a real 'man' he has to shun those things that are classified as 'womanly'?? Why is there such a chasm.. a gap between what is and is not... it seems that it would make...so much.... simpler if we viewed ourselves as PEOPLE/humans foremost.. and then as man/woman next... to further separate ourselves. * sighs * Just like the black/white divide.

And I think the reason that it was floating on my mind even more is because I am SICK SICK SICK and tired of being boxed.. categorized.. and expected to make a single choice from a million and one options. *sighs * I am trying to escape out of this tiny box called black bisexual womanhood into a mental, emotional and physical state called Jazzybelle. I am TIRED of being limited in what I can do by fears of what I will be called and considered. I am TIRED of busting my hump to fit into some mold that pinches and prods and gets tighter by every day. Dammit I want to be ME so bad I can taste it in my very bones.... and yet sometimes... I wonder if one woman can ever hope to escape from centuries of societal pressure....and still be sane.


Stay Jazzed.

Runaway Heart-umm I mean fingers

holding my hands between your thighs
your heat
makes me drift
into a funk of
passionate entanglings
and brazen bliss
wild river woman
changing like the tides
taking my heart
my mind
my soul
on an impossible lovers ride
like cool spring rain
falling over me
you take me
and turn me
and burn me
until I am simply
a tower of flame
you are my hearts guiding light
sweet summer water woman
with the aura of
love
passion
and pain
can I be yours
tomorrow….
and today?

---

So...what is a woman to do when she thinks she is falling in love with another woman? who happens to be married? *smiles* I don't know what I can do.. this whole episode.. this whole relationship thing has me off kilter. and since it is so out of the norm (the trio version of a relationship) who can I talk to? My straight friends wouldn't understand me falling for a woman... the gay ones would have issues with the fact that she is married... to a man no less... so I sit here and write bad poetry and wonder if I will ever get up the nerve to say I love you... even in a joking way...cuz I have been scared from the start... afraid of where loving a woman might take me...and I don't think I want to know where really loving a woman will lead.
The only problem is.. somedays that seems to be all I can think about... my T**** as I call her...I get jealous of her husband...cuz he wakes up to her everyday. Yeah... ain't nothing all sweet...and I have enough issues to keep me out of a relationship for years to come... but still.... falling for her is the sweetest thing I have done in so long... and my life is almost stable sometimes and...and I just don't know what to do with my self.. or her.

So I sit here...and talk to her.. and wish for someone else to come and sweep me out of her life and out of this thing that will have to end in misery... cuz there is no sunny way out. And I have no interest in forming nay new relationships with a man...*shrugs* I have been spoiled my a passion that is so much like my own that I can no longer see fighting to form the bonds and limits of love with someone whose idea of passion is a kiss in the morning and a good f****** every night.
And I am fighting to find a man who doesn’t relate to me on a level of passion before he peeps into my heart...yeah I am fighting to find a woman like that too...but we are so different. *sighs* With some men... most men who are attracted to a woman... the thought of sex is a barely concealed ideal..hidden only by societies and the 'good' girls demand that sex isn't what she is all about.
Am I babbling??? am I racing on and on?? yeah maybe but I have to get all of this off of my heart & out of my head before I turn to do some real work...sometimes the only time I ain't wondering what I am going to do with myself and my wayward heart is when I am programming... and that is only cuz I have to devote my entire mind to what I am writing...computers are anal about precision...


whoooo that was a trip... i guess when the urge is on all you can do is write...and write and write. Hold me tight and neva let me go...cuz I don't know where I would be without you....

Stay Jazzed.

Dust Bunnies of The Heart

*sighs & stretches* Well… a bit of empirical evidence and I think I have made my decision.
I had sex with JEH last night… and it had to be the … *thinks* strangest thing imaginable. I… *shakes head* I am a very open & out going & *thinks* totally free person…but for the first time ever...having sex made me feel… dirty. Within myself… without anyone else’s opinions or thought affecting that balance. I hated it…. without a doubt.. without a side note.. without a second thought…. *sighs* I ain’t sure why I feel this way.. and I’m not even sure if it matters. I just do… and it isn’t even the fact that I didn’t remain celibate (which is PROMPTLY back on track).. it was just the feeling that there was something so wrong in something that once was so right…..

This is starting to scare me… *sighs* I mean…. I don’t know… It is like something within me is changing and I don’t even know what it is.. all I know is that this change is heading onward whether I understand it or not. It feels like….rebirth….and somehow it will all eventually make sense.

I know that all day… well at least the part of the day when I wasn’t out and about and doing stuff.. when I had quiet time I just felt.. unclean… like I needed to scrub my soul out. *sighs* I don’t know… I feel so uncentered and so… unright. *sighs* I feel like apologizing to myself for doing it… for letting him convince me to do something that I wasn’t really wanting to do.. I feel like I need to beg forgiveness of my spirit…and I need to build myself back up…from a point that I had reached without even being aware I was approaching it…

Anyhow… today was the first day of classes. *sighs* I think this semester will be hard as hell….but fun. somehow I feel like a freshman again… when everything was new and incredible and amazing somehow… and all I wanted to do was learn. I have to pick up some other skills as well.. (classes that I SHOULD have taken but haven’t) and I think that … with a LOT of hard work...and some guidance, and some peer support and some determination I will make it through. I don’t see myself graduating in May 2000 tho…because that would require me taking almost 25 hours next semester and THAT particular scenario of madness ain’t happening.
Hmm…. what else? I have been seeing A LOT of folx from school in the last few days.. folx who have actually been in the city but who I simply haven’t seen… it is kinda cool…I know more people than I thought I did. The money situation is getting kinda tight because the PLUS loan hasn’t come through yet, and I still don’t have a for-certain job pulling a paycheck although I have three of them lined up so far. *sighs* none of them have PERFECT hours… but I will take what I can get.


*sighs* I feel so thoroughly CRAPPY right now. I want to crawl into bed and just melt away. *gags* but instead I think I will turn on some Janet…and clean my house…the physical one at least… I think the mental & spiritual one will take a little more work.

Stay Jazzed.

Style of Sex

I opened MSWord….fully intending to sit down and write a long diatribe on the follies of Internet communication. And then I asked a simple question and started talking about religion...and evolution...and all sorts of delightful things. anyhow…. I decided not to write about that… simply because it doesn’t hold QUITE as true anymore… so..where to now? *sighs* let’s talk about it…. sex that is….

I had quite the weekend this weekend. And last.. which I haven’t talked about just yet… or the repercussions from last weekend.

I guess I will start with last weekend..because that affected this weekend in some ways.. *sighs* I don’t know..

I went to a get together that T&T had…. according to Tfemale… was NOT going to be a sex party…she was.. *laughs* performing an experiment to see if a group of open minded people could get-together withOUT sex occurring. In other words.. could we get together and chill & kick it and be ourselves without somebody having to f***? To put it simply it failed pretty damn badly.. it denigrated into an all out sex party. I wasn’t part of it because I was sick… stomach problems? *raised eyebrow* that may have been my way of getting out of a situation that I was thoroughly uncomfy with. I truly DID not want to f*** any of the people there…. especially the guys.. *yeech* like I said.. I am just not into the whole dude thing.. So I spent the weekend there… the party was on Saturday…and I stayed there over night..and I spent Sunday there too. Now mind you.. me and Tfemale had been.. *thinks* touching each other all during the party.. not DOING anything even remotely hedonistic.. but touching.. on the arms.. on the face.. *sighs* it was… very relaxing and safe feeling for me. Anyhow…. Tmale went out with the remaining couple for breakfast and Tfemale and I chilled around the house… when Tmale got back .. *sighs* he was doing something or another and started having sex with Tfemale…anyhow..somehow I got pulled into it… literally… *laughs* for the longest me & Tfemale were just kissing… that was it. And… *thinks* it felt so good. *laughs* It was almost like a soul kiss… but not.. it was something outside of what I have gone before.. I was like I could have kissed her forever and been simply happy with doing that and only that… but I progressed onto doing more.. and we will draw the curtain over that scene…
fast forward to.. *Thinks* Wednesday I guess… me & Tfemale are talking…and the subject of ‘us’ comes up…. and it was odd..because she was trying to feel out how I felt about her..and I had to be honest.. that if it wasn’t for her husband.. I would want to be in a relationship with her (I think.. we aren’t going to get into my whole relationship thing) ..but once again that male presence would just… warp everything somehow. so..that went through.. and I was kinda… floating for awhile because I think/thought that I do want a girlfriend. I’m not going to go into the differences between being in a relationship with a an and being in a relationship with a woman. anyhow…. fast forward to this weekend. I had promised JEH a massage…. his back hurt for some reason or another… I told him I was going to try to be celibate...and he told me that we were gong to have sex before October. *rolls eyes* anyway. So he came over Saturday night.. I gave him the massage and it was cool… we were laying next to each other..cuz we do still love each other. *shrug* that is how we are…. anyhow.. he tried to go further.. *sighs* and that started the trend.. all weekend basically he was begging me to let him f*** me. and all weekend he was getting the same answer… NO NO & HELL NO. *shrugs* and…. I DID relate to him sexually… we did a lot of kissing and rubbing…. but I would have enjoyed it just as much without it. I like being around him..I like hanging with him..but he always manages to bring sex into it and that warps the whole thing. Once again.. I recognize that it is a matter of changing how we relate to each other..but damn I didn’t think it would be quite so hard.

So that long ass story brings me to now. And now is a question that is looking me dead in my face… assisted by a random snide remark tossed my way by MJW who is gay regarding bisexuality. What do I really want? I mean… as CAK told me…. you can’t be celibate with men and do stuff with Tfemale at the same time…. and he has a perfectly good point. I can’t..but do I even want to? the question that I am asking myself now is simply this… do I want to STOP having sex with men period for a while…. or do I want to stop having sex period? While deciding to only have sex with women would upset a few folx.. *shrugs* They will get over it.. this is my life my heart & my decision to make. I have been.. *thinks* looking over & past & around this question for a while because the implications that would come up are more than I am really ready to handle. I have never really been one to narrowly define anything..but if I choose to start having sex with ONLY women… that will change how I am viewed, and how my sexuality is viewed, by a lot of people.

And I’m not sure….which is the problem…. I love being with women… I love laying with a women… and right now at this point.. I like it more than I do being with man. *shakes head* I can’t explain it..but there is something in women that men (or at least the ones I have been dealing with) are lacking… and it is s something that I simply don’t see existing within them. *shrugs* so here I am…. and I’m wondering if refusing to have sex at ALL is a way of sticking my head in the sand for while….ignoring the problem as a whole.

So.. that is my state of confusion...that is my dilemma and somehow.. by writing it down I haven’t come to a decision…but I feel a whole hell of a lot better. Maybe I will read this tomorrow or Wednesday and it will seems so stupid and inane that I will laugh at myself….or maybe it will make perfect sense then. *shrugs* who knows?

Stay Jazzed.

Shades of Orange

Fragile…like a ice flower made of steel. So strong yet so brittle…another kind of fragile.
*sighs* That is how I feel right now…like my mind is on an edge, just as strong as it once was... but so cold it has become brittle…and dangerously delicate. IT scares me…feeling so totally…. Out of myself. *sighs* I feel disconnected… like I pulled a plug between my brain and my heart and it is dangling somewhere. I explained to one of my friends…I am a moody person…but all my moods are ranges of blue. Sunlight blue & sky blue & dark night blue & eye blue & sea blue & Kool-Aid blue. But this state I am in now is orange…something totally NOT blue…not really me. *sighs* I have been reading more & more about depression…and I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I may suffer from it… and sometimes I just sink a little further into it. *thinks* I used to be so driven..so…motivated …so energetic. And then something changed and I turned into a sloth… *sighs* I don’t WANT to be a sloth..but I don’t have the energy or the…. ‘oomph!’ to unsluggy myself. I have a list of places that you can go to to get a free screening… *sighs* but that would mean mustering up the energy to do so. *shrugs & sighs* inertia & melancholy… a dreadful combo.

things always come in bunches
it seems
loss of hopes
loss of lives
loss of dreams

I’m concerned about my sexuality AGAIN…but this time the other way around. For some reason…the thought of being with a man…is... *gags* yicky to me. *shakes head* I don’t know… I haven’t had real sex with a man…by real sex I mean…*sighs* I don’t know… I got some from the back about three weeks ago… but hell…Tfemale has done better with a dildo. So what is my problem you ask? *shrugs* I don’t know… I feel like I have been tossed into a whirlwind and everything is up in the air. Nothing is stable…*sighs* I don’t know what’s wrong…and it’s scaring me.

It is so odd to be SO aware of the fact that something is wrong. *sighs* And I was hoping that the more I wrote/talked about it the better it would be...but it’s not. Something is wrong and I don’t know what it is.. I’m off balance and out of whack and I can’t TALK to anyone about it because I wouldn’t know what words to put together to make it clear. God/dess…this is horrible…I feel like I want to curl up in ball and just cry…for no damn reason at all.

And then three hours later… I feel fine. Or I at least feel fine enough to ignore the fact that I don’t feel so fine at all. And as long as I don’t think about how not fine I feel…I feel great. And life is sunny. And as long as I don’t look STRAIGHT up I can avoid seeing the storm cloud. And as long as I can convince myself that ‘it is all in my head’ (I think I am a junior hypochondriac) I don’t have to worry that something may be wrong.

I needed to talk to somebody so bad last night.. and so I called CAK. HE was worried about me at first…*grins* I guess he figured that the only reason I would break my ‘no long distance’ rule in a case of fire emergency.. but I just wanted to talk…to somebody. *sighs* it is SOOO frustrating to want to say something at simply not be able to put it into words…especially for a writer. Everything can be expressed by words except for this whirlwind in my head. I don’t know what I wanted to say…but he made me feel better. *sighs* I can’t wait for him to come down here. *frowns* even tho I’m not sure as to how good the tickets will be (damn me for waiting so long) just having him here will be great & wonderful & stuff. I have this urge to reach out to people… I want to connect somehow and bring myself back together…but not sexually… what a shock. I don’t want to talk about sex.. I don’t want to think about sex, I don’t even want to her other’s tales about sex. *siiiggghhhhs*

The OD is letting me keep track of my moods…but I don’t think this is part of any kinda cycle…*sighs* or weather or anything else. Dammit. And somehow…the thought of staying Jazzed is the furthest thing from my mind.

I'll just Stand Stilll

How do you determine the line between TMI ( too much information) and what one would regularly put down in one’s diary? I mean there are things on my mind, that I want to write down...not to mull over or even to record… but I just wonder about. And then I’m like.. that would totally GROSS me out if I read it about someone else, so why would I want to write it down here, where other people can read? So I don't… nothing major. Just the odd convolutions that my female body goes through… I mean sometimes.. it gets REALLY ridiculous. And the fact that I STAY hopelessly dehydrated really doesn’t help either. Anyhow….I actually have something(s) of interest to talk about today.. of course they are all about me (that is what a diary is for right?) and… well I don’t know…for some reason the awareness that people might actually read and give a damn about what I am writing has just hit me.. *shrugs* anyway….
I have been thinking about.. how backwards I am in a lot of ways. Most everyone around me is focused on bettering themselves…whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually…or even emotionally. Everyone I know talks about the latest self-help project they are working on.. or what their goal for life is.. and sometimes I feel like…hell I ALWAYS feel like I’m standing absolutely still while everyone around me whips past on these wonderful life paths they have set up for themselves. *sighs* and the thing is.. I don’t think I’m perfect… I am just in a severe case of inertia… nothing is really… so bad with my life that I feel the need to actively work on changing it. Yeah.. I could afford to lose a few pounds, but for what I do with my life…my weight is fine. Religion & relationships is simply not something that interests me at this time…. I don’t bother them.. they don’t bother me.. .mentally… I am not looking forward to going back to school in any way, shape or form. I look at this last year as something I have to get out of the way before I can go on with the REAL business of living. So, what brought all this to the forefront of my mind.. two things really.. 1) listening to Nee talk to my mom about her plans in and after med. school. It is just amazing to see someone who is so certain of what they want to do…and kinda scary too. 2) Last night I went to this meeting about a new network marketing business that is getting started up…and as part of the business the gentleman who was running it asked what we would do the next day if money was no object.. and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was buy a house. And there isn’t a THING wrong with that……but at the same time.. it got me thinking on what my dreams are…what I really want out of life… and none of it has anything to do with school, or really even other people. All of my dreams are intensely personal, individual things. I don’t want to help the world, I want to write for the world…I don’t want to travel (really I don’t) I just want to have a home…that everyone wants to travel TO. I want to be able to wake up and decide.. hmm.. I think I will *shrugs* I don’t know go and shoot some snow scenes…and be able to drive to the mountains that day. *sighs* I don’t WANT to have a job…I don’t WANT a career… I want my life, and my books, and my camera, and my friends. At least at this point… I’m sure that later on I might want a husband.. and I know I want some kids…but that is sooo far in the future that it hasn’t even peeked over my dream horizon…so how does this revolve back to me standing still in life? I feel like I am … just here… I am not really LIVING. And I honestly don’t know if I know HOW to live…I know how to survive.. I know how to exist.. I know how to move so that life doesn’t move ME. But I’m not really sure on how to manipulate it and others to do what I want…and I know that is partly because I don’t Know what I want.. but I wonder if it’s more too. There is nothing that I am burning to do.. nothing that I have a passion for…and sometimes I think it is because I haven’t fully found my magic , and other times I think it is because I have no magic to find. I don’t feel worthless, but I wonder what am I good for? And then…*sighs* I feel like if I continue in this way for too long, I will turn around 20 years from now and ask myself what have I done with my life…and the answer will be absolutely nothing at all…and that scares me. But what scares me even more is turning and looking over my life twenty years from now, and realizing that what I have been doing I hate…and I hate what it has turned me into…*sighs* So I am stuck in an uneasy limbo.. not wanting to do anything for fear that it will be the wrong thing…but I suppose…when you don’t know what path you want to follow.. any path will work...hm? *sighs* I don’t know…and the unknowing makes it damn hard to…

Stay Jazzed.

Black Capricorn Day....

Writing….Hmm.. I LOVE this whole favorites thing, mainly because now I can add folx, and never have to worry about remembering how to spell their name or who they are.. just add to favorites.. now I have a full listing of diarists to read. Anyhow...I’m not writing much.. mainly because I am STILL sleepy...but tonight I will get a good nights rest.
Last night was quite… mundane. *laughs* I got soaking wet in a lovely Atlanta rainstorm (I know I said that I wanted it to rain but REALLY!) and cleaned out my fridge, and got a nasty note from my gym. Speaking of which…..
Okay.. I intensely dislike phones sometimes…I have my membership on Auto Debit.. which means that there is no way that I should ever MISS a payment.. okay.. well & good.
Than I try to call the bank to check on the debit status (since I can’t see my statement) and the phone rings forever and a day. Yes.. I tend to be rather impatient….and I can’t even while away the time patiently by reading OD because the hamsters have suddenly decided to lay down & die. *sighhhs*


Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted
All the time
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter
And I taste the tears
But I can’t hear you now
I cant you see baby
You got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Oh I love you
Oh whatever it takes
Whatever you do
Wherever you go
I’m never leaving you


In the CD player at work Today….
Monica (her latest) Jamiroqui (Synkronized) Whitney Houston’s single ‘It’s not right, But It’s Okay’ (the anthem for ANYONE done wrong) And Les Nubians…
gives me the urge to learn another language. Okay.. I have been saying that I was going to do this forever…but I am REALLY gonna do it tonight. I will look for, find, and collate all of the random scraps of poetry that I have written in the past couple of years. Because there are a couple of poems that I REALLY want to get my hands and so that I can read them and work with them in my mind, but I can’t seem to find them. Anyhow my collection needs to be updated. Some of the poems that I have put on here are ONLY on here…and I’d hate to lose any of it…and perhaps seeing some of my stuff will inspire me to finish/start writing Amoung Other Things…I don’t know…The book is becoming more real to me as I experience more of the things that I wanted to write about..
Never thought I’d be afraid to trust
Somebody that I loved so much
If I can get him out of the streets
He can come back to me
Now I see there ain’t no us
Baby to me that is a definite plus
If I can’t get you out of the streets
Then you don’t need to be with me…

Monica once again ladies & gentlemen. *sighs*
Okay. I’m gonna say this right now, and I don’t know if I mean it or what...but I think I want a girlfriend. Why? Huh? Yeah… a girlfriend…I KNOW I don’t want a boyfriend (too much of a headache) but a girlfriend I might be able to work. And then not too long ago one of the FEW lesbians I have met who was cool within herself as well as cool with my bisexuality returned to the city…a coincidence.. maybe maybe not… and I suppose the fact that me and Tfemale get along soooooo well. *grins* hm.. maybe that is what turned my head that way. Or maybe I want somewhere to spill all this love that I can’t direct to the folx who are creating it (CAK & MJW). So I will find an outlet somewhere…I need to fall in love with someone who is accessible and stay away from the gay&orconfused&orfar-away folx. *pops in Jamiroqui and FIRMLY squashes the urge to start a can-can line around the office*
I’m babbling and I keep coming back to Word expecting more lines to have written themselves.. that is another one of my issues…I expect so much to happen on it’s own without my help…things just HAPPEN around me *laughs* maybe maybe maybe
I will find religion
and fall before a god I have never seen
and maybe just maybe I will wake up one day
and this has all been a dream
and maybe just maybe
I will be everything that I have ever wanted to be
which I think is held in the idea of…

Staying Jazzed.

Bi-lateral Confusion

Being bisexual is strange. It means that some of the time I gaze lustingly at men...but I go after women. And then of course..there is the times when there is a total change...and I stare and flirt with women...but have a boyfriend at home. And sometimes... when I'm around my gay friends.. I wonder how much the fact that I sleep with men... and like it affects thier feelings about me. Do they think I'm less of a gay person? Am I less of a gay person? Sometimes I wish that I could take back the fact that I have ever told anyone that I was bi..and simply live... lusting after women as I settled down with men. And in the AfAm gay community.. bi people (both male & female) are trashed as disease carrying sluts. *sighs* So it is really hard to find others (we are in two closets) and even harder to find other who aren't only trying to get into your pants...
It has come to the point where I'm looking in personals just to see if I can find someone to befriend...is that sad? or is it simply wise?

Sometimes I feel so alone
sitting in my room
lit by the blue glow
of my computer screen
then I hear the door
& an internet friend walks in

So I'm confused...I am NOT straight...I know that... but.. I feel like I'm missing something... this is another dark strange house that I am bumping around in...I think that I am painfully naive and so not innocent at the same time, because there is so much taht I have NOT expericenced... yet there is so much that I DO know about that there is this odd discontinuity between my knowledge and my experience.

And I wonder... I mean... maybe I just need someone to talk to...but the one or two people who I would feel comfy talking about this with are either straight or just as confused themselves.

(A thought just struck me...when I go back to school I can LEARN...without worrying about what grades I get. How amazing.)

I wrote a poem once.. about my bi-lateral life...living in two closets. Totally straight to straight folx.. totally gay to gay folx....it gets to be a bit of a headache.. but why am I in the closet at all? Can't folx take me for who I am? but evenas bold as I claim to be... I still am afriad of others judgements of me.. yeah.. I'm working on it... and every day I ahve to remind myself...

Stay Jazzed.

J said - The things I'd do....

Money is a wonderful hateful thing...It occupies almost every moment of my mind..how to get more, how to make more, how to make the bit I have stretch out to last even longer. *sighs* I would do so much for money that it is scary...I haven't yet found the limit of what I won't do for money...*smiles* but then again..my natural openess to many things adds to that I'm sure...

I have slept with 11 men and 2 women in the past 6 years. Sometimes it seems like alot..and other times it doesn't seems like many at all.

Devon

Daz

Dahl

Toddie

Harrisson

Mike

Joi

James

Kim

Jeremy

Prentice

Terrell

Sedrick


13 people in all. I've never been pregnant...as far as I know...never had an STD...never really been concerned about getting one. And yet...I feel like I'm entering one of my long pauses of celibacy..*grins* or not so long...

Folx say that sex is power.. then it seems that the longer you withdraw from sex the more power you wil have.. true?? *sighs* I feel likea powder keg sometimes...sitting on an explosive amount of power...needing some sort of sexual release to expand it all or a will blow up. And i have never felt like this before, yet I have gone dry for much longer periods. Usually I blame it on the moon, or on my cycle but this has been something that has been building up for a while...I feel as though I hold a tiny sun inside of me.. and every day..every brush of clothing...every scent of perfume...every smooth skinned man and fine fingered woman I see...adds to this sun. feeds it fuel...and I wonder if I will burn someone once I finally express it...or will I myself burn...


J.

J said - Opening

*sighs*

Can I say that sometimes life SUCKS? you are going along so smoothly and suddenly *SLAP* life tells you.. nope wrong way..turn the hell around and start over. I think that is what has happened to me... but.. I kinda like it.


Okay... The history... I'm in college...or at least I was..studying to be a Computer Engr. Then.. my body & my mind ganged up on me and decided that they were tired of being told what everyone else wanted us to do. And so..I'm doing my thing. I dropped out (just for a while) I'm trying to get a job.. and I am moving in with a roommate. So far so good...my mother had less of a heart attack than I hoped...my grandmother won't know.


So what is the problem? I'm scared.... scared as I don't know what that I so totally did the wrong thing. That maybe I should have suffered a little more and went through the rest of school. Maybe I Will like this too much and will never want to go back..until it's too late. Maybe i will get in too much debt...maybe no one will hire me. For the first time I have NO clue what will happen next. I don't have a curriculum to follow, and can I tell you it is scary.


Hmmm....then the whole other relationship thing. I was trying to experiment with my sexuality... *laughs* but it is so hard to find open minded bi black women and men it's funny... I KNOW that I'm not the only crooked branch out there.


*sighs*


I guess that is it...for now.....