Ceeeleeebration Time... come ON!

*SCREAMMMMSSS*

*DANCES AROUND*

*LAUGHS OUT LOUD*

Oh my gooodddddddddd!!!!! I’m DONE ya’ll… officially completely and TOTALLY DONE!!! I’mma get my DEGREE (finally)!! I got my grades from the teacher.. and I got a B out of the CLASS! I got a high B on the final (which was WAAYY more than I needed to pass) and I am DONE! *grins* You have just no clue about how THRILLLED I am. It’s odd… I have felt like a sham for a while cuz I KNEW I hadn’t really graduated just yet…. But I’m DONE now. I took a quick screaming break in my head… since I am at work. Thrilled ya hear me??? It wasn’t as if I was really worried about not having passed the test/class… it is just that now that I have.. and I KNOW that I am done…. Man you can’t tell me NOTHIN!!! *giggles and grins* Man… I wanna call my momma… but I don’t have her danggone work number. : ) So you guys ar the first to know…. : )

Um.. what else?? I talked to most of my friends last night about me coming over.. : ) It’s gonna be fun. I gotta talk to my main sista sukey today and see what her schedule looks like so that I know when I am going to go up to Philly. *wiggles* Life is good ya’ll.

I’m reading “The Broke Diaries” man…. Talk about bringing back memories. I ain’t allowed to complain about money NO more. Cuz I do remember those days… and mercy knows I’m doing a lot better now. Ow I understand more how people just start spending more money without even realizing it… *sighs*

Well.. I gotta do some work.. I just had to share my joy right quick.

*grins*

Stay Jazzed.

Freeeeddoomm....

I’m FREEEEE!! Free at last free at Last!

No… I didn’t dump the darling (though THAT conversation will be touched on later) I just took my final for this class, and I am prettttyyy darn sure that I aced it. Or even if I didn’t ace it, I got the C that I need to pass! Free! Free! It’s odd, especially considering precisely how LITTLE work I did in that class… but I’m relived. Finally… I will really and truly have a B.S.

Speaking of BS (don’t you just LOOOVVVEE the segue) me and Cheffy had the ‘talk’ yesterday. *sighs* It’s rather hard to convince a person who is under the assumption that they ARE already doing the right thing that what they are doing is just NOT up to snuff. I think I got it through his remarkably thick head though. My quarters are off limits. The body wash he said he didn’t notice…which I find hard to believe considering it was like in the BACK of all my other shower stuff, with several other soaps in front of it… *rolls eyes*, the detergent is off limits, he said he will stop getting pay per view, and the phone is handled. Ugh. I am soooooo damn passive it’s aggravating. It get on my own nerves sometimes. And I guess it wouldn’t be as hard to talk about those kind of things if he was THERE when I noticed them.. but as he rarely is… I have to store up my bitching for the next time I see him. And usually the last thing I am thinking about is bitching *wiggles of eyebrows* anyhow. I don’t know. I’ll see how I feel about the ‘change’ in status. Ugh

I got a harness for the little kitty today. I figure since he likes to ‘explore’ so danngone much he might like to be able to go outside and wander about. One of my coworkers has a Irish setter (I think that is what it is... it’s a Toto) and she had gotten a harness for her, but it was too small.. so she gave it to me. Cool huh? All I have to get now is a leash…and convince Gio to wear it. Speaking of which. I still have not gotten the pictures from the place yet. I will post them tomorrow… I’m sure.

Speaking of tomorrow, I’m about to be off for a looonnng weekend. I’m taking Friday off (for no good reason) and ahhh.. it’s gonna be great. I don’t know what (if anything) I will do. I know right now all I want to do is go to sleep. *yyaaaawwwwwnnn*

Um. I think I’m leaving kind early today. *nods* Yup yup

Stay Jazzed

Life.

I’m SOOOO proud of myself. I completed all of my assignments over the weekend, and got two B’s and a C. *shakes head* It’s really sad, because I really don’t CARE about what I’m supposedly learning. I stopped really caring about learning as far as ‘school curriculum’ goes when I realized that someone with a certification rather than a college degree could do the exact same thing that I am doing, considering the fact that almost every company that is hiring now puts their new employees through an intense training period. Once I realized that the only reason a degree even really matters is to prove that you have the ability to learn.. I realllllllllly stooped giving a damn. I KNOW I can learn… in fact I am a pretty good learner. *rolls eyes* I hate documentation. All I have to do now is pass the final (with a C or better) and I will be set.

I got the cutesy pies pictures of Giovanni back… they all came back pretty good, including one that has this really cool double image effect because Gio was in front of the floor to ceiling window that is in the living room. I haven’t gotten the electronic version yet ( I have to pick that up tonight) so tomorrow I will be able to post some lovely images of my little precious. He is getting used to being around me… I think. Ugh. We aren’t even going to go there though.

I am still debating with myself about whether or not I am going to get a laptop. I would really like having one, but I can always use the one that I have at work. What I’m really doing is trying to talk myself out of getting a laptop in a way that won’t make me feel deprived. *laughs* I’ll just put it off for the car. Speaking of which… hmmm I think I might go and get my learner’s permit on Friday (as I am taking the day off). I am already going to be studying for my final, so if I just use the driving stuff as a buffer for break times, I can kill two birds with one stone. Hmph. *sighs* anyhow…

I have been inspired…some by myself and some by *Adrastea* . I am going to go out and start taking street pictures. There is so much going on in Indy now.. with the race and so forth going on. I doubt that I will be able to find any really good protests and such like she found, but anything to exercise my photographic skills and increase my hit rate from what it is now. Out of a roll of film, I tend to end up with about 3 or 4 pictures that I reallly like, and the rest are just wasted paper. I figure that is mainly due to the fact that 1) I don’t have a well trained eye and 2) I tend to try to fit something into a photograph rather than discovering the photographs around me…if that makes any sense. I figure I should be able to swing developing about 4 rolls a month, or a roll a weekend. And if I can find a good place to develop rolls that has a good discount too, I will reallly be set. Umm…

I am soooo bored here. *sighs* I know it’s bad when I start hunting for meetings to go to. I just have to remember that it is another slump, and that eventually we (as a group) will slide on out of it. It’s just taking so dad-blasted long. And I’m sure the fact that it’s Monday isn’t helping any.
*grins* FoxTrot is funny though. The perfect level of funny… good enough to keep be amused, but not so funny I start laughing out loud and give myself away.

Hmm.. I’m up to May 1999… I’ve got a bit more to go…

Stay Jazzed

Last Licks

It’s quite sad. I have *thinks* three (four really.. but the other one is done and graded, but I could get a better grade) assignments to do in 8 days, and all I can think about is hmmmm… I wonder how much of the house I should clean?? I mean I HAVE a reasonable reason… I don’t want Giovanni to get into anything that she shouldn’t while I’m out of the house. However, what BETTER excuse to not do work? Also, I’m frantic to find a kitten flea collar. I’m totallllllly paranoid about fleas considering I have wall to wall carpet. Can you say HORROR?? *sighs* So many choices, so little timeeeeee…..

I have realized what my main issue with my job is. I don’t have enough to do. I have wayyy too much freaking free time that I could be using so much more usuefully doing stuff that I need to be doing. I mean if my job only truly takes up about 50% of my day, why can’t I just be here for THAT long?? But of course get paid for a full day’s worth of work… since that is what I wold be doing. *sighs* Anyyywayyyy…


Hmmm… not too bad. Altogether it is only going to cost me about 210.00 for all of Giovanni’s ‘treatments’, spots and spay. If she turns out to be a he, it will be even cheaper (the whole nip & tuck thing is so much easier on boy kitties than girl kitties). I am STILL so thrilled that I have a kitty. Be warned, my next few entries will surely be all about my kitty. *LOL* I will try to keep the salacious titles down to a minimum though. *grins* *does a little happy dance* *growls at the thought of the meanies who cut her whiskers*

Argh! Something else I have to do.. I have GOT to wash my hair… it has been bugging me for the past few days but I have been avoiding it as I am out of my fave shampoo…and haven’t stopped anywhere to get it. Soooo….As I am going to go right PAST the store that sells it tonight.. *sighs* I might as well pick that up so that I can wash my hair tonight too…I think that what I will do is get al of the other stuff out of the way (hair, house, cat shopping) tonight, so that for the rest of the week I will have NO MORE excuses!!! (Ohh.. look at me trying to get my life into order) *sssiiiigggghhhs*

Okay…Only 40 more minutes… then shoooooppppiinnggg!!! And cleeeannniinnngggg!!!

Stay Jazzed.

Rollin Rollin Rollin....

*hums* Hmm… I’ve been in an odd mood for the past few days… singing to myself a lot.. feeling like I need to just get out and dance in circles or something. I would call it spring madness or something if it was more…concrete. I feel like wearing flowy dresses and sleeping under the stars and traveling across America in a old small car with my very best friends. Hm. Maybe I’m just sick of work.. sick of pretending to be settled and calm now and reasonable and reliable. I wanna run off into Oz and not come back until Munchkin Land has turned into Silicon Valley. I need a vacation. I wanna escape in a way that reading and dreaming isn’t letting me do any more. I wanna be SO outta here. This whole day to day corporate job stuff SUCKS. I reallllly need to start writing so that I can get the hell out of this…place. I’m considering doing something that I really really really know I shouldn’t do. I want a laptop of my own, and as I actually DO have a credit card (yeah it’s in my mom’s name but I pay for it….) I can get a laptop. I have been rummaging this idea around in my mind for a quite a while, but I think I will save it as a reward for when (if) I pass this danngone class. *sighs* I am such a lazy bum…even when I know that it is in my own best interest to NOT be. *sighs* This is the same thing I went through with one of my classes while I was still in school.

---

Okay one of my co-workers just broke down crying. I hope that nothing is wrong with her yet to be born grand-baby… *sighs* I know that this project is stressful but damn… I hope it isn’t that bad.
Okay… family issues. *sighs* Mercy.

---

Back to whining about me. *sighs* I really don’t want to take this damn class. That is the problem…really once you get down to it. Arrgh. *hangs head* If I still could I would withdraw…but I KNOW that ain’t an option any more. Hm. Actually I can. I have up until two weeks before the last class. Interesting. *sighs* I’m not. I’m NOT. Dammit. Okay… I am gonna be just fine. I just submitted part of my project over a month late and he gave me a C. *shakes head and sighs* I realllllly have no excuse!

As a preparation for the exercise that I am going to start doing next week right after I gt my sneakers, I have started stretching every night. I used to be a scarily flexible person, but due to age, lack of use, and excess flesh being in the way, most of the lovely poses that I used to amaze my friends and intrique my lovers have gone the way on the Dodo. So I figured warming up those muscles, reminding them what physical activity feels like, is a good prelude to be working out. It is also helping me just FEEL better, as I have been suffering from aches and pains and the like for just waayyy too freaking long. What I thought was a sign of my eminent death may just be my body’s way of saying “HEY!!! I can’t haul around BUT so much now….”

Work has been fun. I am learning a lot more, and I feel a lot more comfortable transitioning into this role. Not leadership ( I don’t know shit about what I don’t know… and I certainly know that I don’t know enough to be in a leader ship role) but rather a more supporting role. Yes I know I bitched about the job earlier, and if I could get out of it I would… however I kinda enjoy what I am doing now. So I have to go and do it…

Stay Jazzed.

Forgive Me, for I have slacked...

*sighs* I am SO bad. I feel vaguely guilty, and yet not guilty at all. I have been SO slacking on this class that I need to graduate. Now I understand the dangers of starting working BEFORE you have fully completed your degree. For slackers like me, that is an open invitation to just not do SHIT. I have missed one assignment so far, and the next one is due tomorrow (which naturally i haven’t TOUCHED yet), which means I have two long ass assignments to do, that I haven’t even started on *sighs* I don’t know why… I actually tend to forget about the damn class. Clearly net learning is NOT good for me. *sighs* So.. I’m taking to laptop home with me tonight, along with the disk drive so that I can save frequently… and I am going to get to work. There will be no traipsing off to Pier One tonight for me. And no cleaning either. At least not until this amazing feat of bullshit/creative writing/ learning curve is complete. Just me, the computer, the 80 something dollar text book that I have yet to open, and maybe some music. Working away. :)
I feel so much better having confessed. I’m almost looking forward to doing this. I’m usually pretty good at designing systems. And after the past 5 months, I’m DAMN good at testing them. And as this computer is a HELL of a lot faster than mine…it won’t be as nerve wracking to work on it. And as it’s a lap top, it’s also VERY mobile. *nods* *pumps herself up* Yeah Yeah YEAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Stay(ing) Jazzed.

*sigh*

Classes suck. They are boring boring boring. And only barely better than work. Besides, I m encouraged to sprnd money...what else can I do for entertainment?

Short Talk

Proud of myself I am...I sent off the application for school so I can get this last class and finally, truly be a graduate, AND I enrolled myself in a bartending course. 500 bucks for a two week course, but I figure it will be worth every penny. I am looking at it as an investment, and I know I will be able to make the money back in no time.

Hm. Work is...boring. I have never done so much of so little in all my days. Humph. Maybe I'm just not a self starter. And of course the fact that every time I try to do something, I find that I don’t have all the access that I need really doesn’t help matters out any either.

Chef & I are aiight. I have stopped predicting doom, and now I am just waiting for the blow to strike. It’s odd…I don’t expect him to turn out to be some dreadful mean evil man anymore, I just expect something to happen that will strain him to the breaking point. Or me. *siiiiiiiighs*
Nothing interesting to write about… at least nothing that I am willing to turn into solid matters of the mind by putting them down on paper. Maybe after lunch.

Stay Jazzed.

Themes and Worries.

This is actually something that I have thought a about a few times….actually more than a few times. If a fire/flood/hurricane/police attack ripped through my apartment and destroyed everything in here, what would I regret most no longer having? Oddly enough, the only thing I would miss having is my writings. All of the scraps of paper that I have poured my heart & mind onto for the past ten years of my life. Everything else I have in my house, money can re-buy. Yeah, I would miss the books, I might cuss about the computer, losing the camera might make me cringe ( I TOTALLY haven’t gotten my money’s worth yet), and I could be minorly pissed about the CD’s, but really, all of those things would pass. The only thing that I own, that I can’t just throw money at to get back and I would REALLLY miss is my writings. I don’t have that many pictures of myself, so that isn’t a major loss.

Hm. I really need to put them all together, maybe burn a CD with all of my work on it, and them stick it in a safe deposit box. Am I going too far? maybe…I’m not sure yet. I know if I ever write a book , or start writing it, I will keep the manuscript somewhere away from my house…just for safekeeping.
Ah. I just finished writing my final for my CG class. That had to be the absolute biggest load of bullshit I have ever written in my entire life. Ah well, all I want is a C. Really.

I think I am going to have to actually go to this stupid school and get my damn money. *sighs* I am really going to get underpaid this pay period. *siigghs* Well, I will at least be able to pay my rent and some bills. The hair thing is still up in the air. *sighs*


Stay Jazzed y’all…..

Private Dancer & Other Thoughts

Talk about a complete turn-around, a total reverse of ideas & thoughts. I remember that when I started this diary, I said that one of my goals, something that I wanted to do just once in life, was to be a stripper.

Last night I went to a strip club, and shall we just say that from THAT experience alone, yeech. I would never want to be one, for a myriad of reasons. However, I was told that the club we went to was a bit more low class *umhm* than many other clubs, and that the…mood I was looking for might be present in those. It’s odd, I never imagined how little strip clubs really have to do with sex. Or maybe not sex but desire. The women who worked there looked bored, like this was really of totally no interest to them. Most of the guys there looked weeded out and/or drunk, and stared at the women dancing as if they were blurry images on a TV and not flesh & blood people who were trying to arouse them. I mean that IS part of the purpose of a strip club right? To arouse, titillate and excite the patrons who visit…right? *grins* A nypmhpomanic would have ended up bored in THAT spot. But once again, maybe it was just that club. ;) Hmm, maybe I will go club-trolling one of these days and see what is really going on.

What else is going on in me life? Hmm… the apartment thing is cool, we are still working on getting all of the paperwork together for that. Me & mi papi are cool…odd and amazing and loving… but cool all the same. Classes are going okay, I checked the paperwork from Lilly and among the requirements there was nothing listed about having to have a degree. So it looks like I will be in school for a little bit longer, but I won’t have to worry about not having a job. (See Kelly, the chant works!) The only thing I am worried about now is having enough money to be able to pay all of the start-up bills that I will have to deal with when I get to Indy.

My Lilly money is just about gone, (tho I will get a bit back) and I am not sure how much my job will help a sista out, since I have to live off of that money from now on. *deep breath* hmmm that kind of segues me onto another topic that I want to mention rather quickly…not really talk about at this point, but mention.

My father has not acknowledged his graduation announcement. Maybe he didn’t get one, maybe his wife tore it up. But one of my mothers closest friends from college is married to one of his closest friends, and I am sure he would have found out that way. It’s odd, because I have never asked much of my father, never WANTED much from him. Why should I? But at the same time, it kinda hurts in an odd & twisted way that he could not take the time to acknowledge that his oldest child was graduating. I don’t know. *sighs* And of course the low level resentment I have around this time of year is simmering up to, so that really isn’t helping the issue. I’m not even going to pretend to be all big & noble and say that I would not appreciate a monetary response…I am not even going to PRETEND that is the case. But… I don’t know.. it seems that it might have been kinda nice just for him to say…go’head girl….witcha badass self. ugh.

But anyway…. I love my momma enough to make up for his loss five hundred times over.
I need to go and play with my hair. I colored it & put a ‘texturizer’ (baby perm) in it a while ago (Tuesday?) and I love the way it looks and acts…but it is simply DYING to be moisturized. so… love.. peace… & hair grease…

Stay Jazzed.

Big Dizzy Head

Ugh. I must remember never to drink after not having eaten all day…it isn’t good for the head.

My life, my life. my life…how’s it been? Busy as hell… the RatRace ™ exists and it has be in its grasp. But I’m enjoying it….ups & downs & bumps & bruises notwithstanding… life has been pretty good. Me? tired as all get out all the time, running or sleep or hungry. Simply haven’t felt like writing. Why? ugh. Who knows? nothing too vital to write about I guess…not that that ever stopped me before….It was more a thing of hmm… I don’t want to write. And there is nothing wrong with that. A few random notes of things I need to remember:

1) I have to go & get those pictures from the camera shop. Before they get posted on the internet.
2) Must get more sleep. Everyday
3) Never drink on a hot day after eating. Makes me head feel big as my house.

*sighs* I’m mildly down cuz I didn’t get the class I needed. The teacher wasn’t QUITE a bastard…but he had absolutely no sympathy, letter from the head of my department & all. So what to do now? *siiigghhs* Who knows….
uggha. Stay Jazzed.

Janus

*bouncy bouncy* Okay…. for me it only lasts for about a day…. and it makes me bluesy… shades of blue.

Umph… but anyway all about the place…which I don’t officially have yet, but the nice leasing lad y told me the longer it takes for me to her from her the better the chances are. *grins* any how… let me get into all the lovely details of my soon to be home. It’s in a high rise building with all the amenities (sauna. Jacuzzi, workout room. laundry facilities, pick up & deliver dry cleaning, covered parking.. all that jazz).
The apartment that I would get would be on the tenth floor, on the corner. The view that I have is of most of Indy (I’m on the NE corner) , but luckily it doesn’t face over downtown so I don’t have to worry about peeping toms & excess light. It’s a 990 sq ft. 2 bedroom, 2 bath place…with these lovely huge just WALLLS of windows… and since it’s NE I will get all the lovely early morning light (the not hot kind). It has gray carpets & white walls that I can paint and decorate & design…as long as I can change it back when I leave.

To say that I have been tripping a bit over this place is SUCH a huge understatement. I have duplicated the floor plan in a computer program that I have that lets you add furniture and all that jazz so I can see if how I want to set the place up will actually fit… and I have wasted too much time doing that. I am excited & thrilled & a whole bunch of other joyful joyful words. It costs a bit more than what I wanted to pay, but considering the fact that utilities are included…. *sighs* I can’t argue much.

But off to the dim side of the coin. I have summer school issues. As I went to register for summer school I found out that one of the classes that I need to take is full. Okay...that is bad enough… but the part that really tripped me up was the fact that the class time that I thought I could take was for the May session, which is obviously over at this point. The class that is being offered for this session… is not only full, but also at the same time as the other class I need to take.

*sighs* And since my school has already approved me for those two classes, I’m not sure how they would react to me switching to another class at this late point. * sighs* I was supposed to go and talk to my advisor today…but as I barely got out of bed…that wasn’t an option. So I’m on tenterhooks at this point. And then to add misery to miserableness… if I don’t take both classes I won’t be eligible for a deferment of my loans (cuz I won’t be in school at least part time). argh. But I am not worrying… yet. Not until I hear from my advisor will I start to worry. worry. worry. umph.

but the apartment is REALLLY nice. : )

Stay Jazzed.

Here comes the.....

Written (or at leat thought about) May 21, 2000

Dumdumdum dummmdumdumdummdum…. * hums the graduation march * Okay.. even though they didn’t actually PLAY the march today (they used it all up on Class Day yesterday) I still had the feeling of really being in a processional. I am sure that the fact that I was the Marshall (my last name puts me at the top of most alphabetical lists) for all of the Bachelor of Science candidates helped. I don’t think I have ever been THAT nervous… and most of the people in there were not even looking AT me, because they were looking for someone else. *smiles * How do brides pull it off?
The commencement itself wasn’t too bad. And even though it was 3 and ½ hours long, it truly did not feel like it. We (the bachelors of science) were waiting, rather impatiently I might add, for the 330 BA’s to be called and receive their Diploma (a cover...a EMPTY cover) and we watched nervous and excited and envious as they turned their tassels. And suddenly….The President instructed us to rise, and all of the blood left my hands. I was HYPED. I wanted to scream to laugh to cry to dance…. I thought I was going to go crazy… I was the first to walk up, and I just knew I was going to stumble and fall…but I made it to the stage, the lady did not butcher my name, and I damn near snatched that empty cover out of the President’s hand… and then I think I floated across the stage because I don’t remember walking. All I remember is smiling and feeling nothing but joy. Back at the pew, I stood and watched and waited as the rest of the BS’s received their covers, and the smiles & tears that lit up the stage and their faces was amazing. The BA’s had been calm and staid compared to the expressions of joy that went across those women’s faces. Relief and excitement and nervousness, and once I think I saw a little fear…all as the moved from one side of the stage to the other. Then it was done. OUR valedictorian (her last name started with a Z…but she was most certainly TOPS in our class) crossed the stage…and we were almost crazy with anticipation…. As she said the RIGHTS… we sighed….and the PRIVELEGDES…. we cheered. Those four or five or six years of hard work were paying off… in a few seconds we would be entitled to the RIGHTS & THE PRIVELEDGES that these years had groomed us, taught us and trained us for. We waited…. Hands poised at the tassel, eyes fixed on her lips.. When those words finally came bubbling out of her lips we CHEERED like we had just….graduated. : ) I hadn’t cried….couldn’t even pretend to try to, I was sooooo joyful. Then we stood and held hands and began to sing the school song. The sound of a church full of WOMEN singing has got to be almost the most amazing sound there is.. and we sang our good-byes into the cathedral, and we sang of the friendships we found.. and the loves we lost and the dreams we came in with, and the hopes we were leaving with…and THAT is when it hit me. I suddenly realized that I wouldn’t be seeing most of these women again for a very long time. That this was it…the end… this is where our paths diverged, and that is when I started to cry. That is when the real feelings of loss hit me. Why I had not realized that this loss came as part of graduation before hand, I have no clue…but suddenly… I was sad.
We processed out of the chapel, and it took me about 20 minutes to find my family. I was hugged and kissed and lavished with love… and then I had to snatch my camera from my mother and start hunting for my classmates…those who I would want to remember. As I was taking more and more pictures the sadness settled a little more in me, and seeing all the smiles brought some joy. It had poured during the ceremony, so the world had a clean fresh smell and look to it. And most of the faces around me, even those that were red-rimmed with tears, had a look of eager anticipation, of straining to be GONE from here and into the rest of their lives.
I left the cathedral with sad good-byes and promises to email dancing in my ears. I had just taken the last step of my young adulthood...I had just processed away from any excuse at childhood. The rest of my life beckoned me…and I am looking forward to it with joy.
Stay Jazzed

Wash the floor!..Iron my dress!.. Get the water!!

To Do:
Clean bathroom.
Clean living room
hang curtains.
clean kitchen
wash walls
call florist
wash clothes
go to work.
go grocery shopping
call Indy.
clean bedroom
change sheets
vacuum floor
clean computer
clean fridge
clean stove

*sighs* I feel like cindy-cinderella… but I know that in the long run I am doing this for myself. If my house is not as clean as can be when Mum & G’mum come… I will hear about it alll week… and the entire time I am at home… and once I move to Indy… and so forth and thus on. *sighhhhhs* I really wish I could just hire somebody to do it for me. Ah well.

My life? Stabilized… went out last night. met a guy I met online… that was nice. I think it was a date, but I’m not sure. Enjoying being at work… it’s a lot more peaceful than school was. *grins* I got good news today. The teacher PASSED me. *nods* yup… I have no shame in admitting that he passed me. Though I did get close to a C on my own (a 91 on the final… WHO HOOOOO ), he definitely gave me a few points. *smiles*
ah. food and sleep… in that order…
Song of the Night: Whistle While you Twerk

Stay Jazzed.

5/11/00

*tired smile* by writing two entries in a day... I managed to reset myself.
This morning...as much as I would like to write, I can't. The energy is just not there...and I have a test to study for. Perhaps later.
This will hopefully be the last night for a very very very very very very very very very very long time, that I stay up all night..doing something that is distinctly displeasing to me.

Number One, *long pause* make it so...

Stay Jazzed.

Inner Quandries & Issues

It is odd to have to try, as a black female, to NOT be bigoted/racist. I have had a different life/childhood and so that has led me to have slightly more of an open mind than most people, but I still find my self on occasion falling into those traps that our culture seem to leave…big gaping holes that simply INVITE you to make a fool of yourself and insult half the folx around you. In addition, considering that I have also had to train myself out of the habit of speaking before I completely THINK about what I am going to say… well I have had some occasions when the floor opening me up & swallowing me whole would have been Nirvana.

Today, as I was taking a final, I realized that I consciously have to not make assumptions about the sex or age of people or examples. I KNOW that in our culture he/him is considered an appropriate word for generalities of any gender, but how can I consider myself a feminist and use them so casually? I have caught myself making comments about ‘natural hair’ to a black friend of mine whose hair grows out of her head straighter than anything Crème of Nature could imagine, and wondered where that subtle racism/colorism crept into my thought processes? I catch myself saying Jesus, or Merciful Mother of God, and even though I am nothing even resembling Christian/catholic or any other the other major religions, they pop out as if I was a rosary carrying nun…and I can’t figure out why & how.

I cannot solely blame it on growing up in culture where such things are the norm. While that does ( obviously) have a major impact on how people think and how they view the world, shouldn’t my conscious understanding that some ways of viewing the world are just WRONG override that? I have never fallen into the ‘bone thin is in’ ideal, or the ‘light & bright is right’ ideal that tends to haunt African Americans, or even the good hair fallacy (which I grew up hearing about ALLLL the time). So how in the WORLD did the sexism creep up on me? It is rather scary that something that I make a conscious effort in my day to day life & actions to reduce… still creep out of me in such subtle ways.

Maybe I am stressing over it too much…maybe it is just one of those side effects of living in America and being bombarded with constant images of what is right & what ain’t. It makes me wonder what ELSE that I would prefer not to be a part of me is tucked away inside of me as a side effect of living here, in the land of the brave & the free.

Okay.. a TOTALLY random and side note…why is my body acting crazier NOW than it was while I was pregnant? I told my mom that if I didn’t KNOW I was pregnant I would never have had any clue…and now that I am not pregnant anymore…I get nauseated in the morning…I get bloated…my breasts are tender… I mean REALLY!

I finally finished one final. Only one mind you, but thank god (see..there it is again….I would say thank the goddesses but.. I am not in touch like that to be comfy saying it…it seems rather like sacrilege), it is the one for the class I have been stressing about. I think I did pretty good, but I am hoping that he will have mercy on me. *sighs* I mean he is LEAVING anyway…speaking of which… (another random note) the Comp Sci department at my school only has 5 teachers, one of whom is the department head & doesn’t teach much, and another who is a newbie ( this is his first year here). Yet…at the Senior Farewell (which had us in TEARS) the other three teachers announced that they were LEAVING. To say we were in shock is putting it mildly… oddly enough we (the seniors) feel betrayed, even tho we would be leaving them. It’s an odd reaction on our part, and the poor juniors are devastated. So, I’m hoping that since NONE of them will be here next year, they would not be cruel enough to force ME to be here next year. But then again, they might just say.. hey.. I’m gonna give her the grade she got *shudders* That might get ugly. All I want is a C. *grins* Like Shasta said… C stands for CASHMONEY!!! Well, that ain’t EXACTLY what she said, but you get the general idea.

Okay… my head is going ballistic and I am starting to hear things, so I think I will go to bed now.

Stay Jazzed.

ummm... Stuff.

Forget about Love & Basketball…. the next big movie should be called Love & Hair. Yes…. this is going to be another one of my hair rants. It’s been entirely too long without one.

Okay… before I get into it.. I need to give a description of my hair. I have shoulder length (on a good day) thick, Thick THICK hair. I am talking thick here people. Amazingly, scarily, thick. I have so much hair on my head that it scares me(and small children who see me with my hair out).
And the simple fact is… each and every strand has a tiny little mind of its own. And the main focus of all of their minds seems to be doing the exact opposite of what I want them to do.
For example: In late December I decided that I wanted to lock my hair…. I figured that since my hair seems to enjoy tangling around each other, it would lock in a matter of days…maybe even hours. So I put my hair in 137 (yes I counted them) little twists, and figured I would give them about a month and I wouldn’t be able to get rid of them without cutting it all off. I waited…one month… two months…. three months…. and in late March (when I was stressing about the pregnancy) I started messing in my wet hair (I had just gotten out of the shower). As I was messing in my hair.. one of the twists came out….and another…and another.. and in a matter of a few hours my entire head of hair was free and wild. NO problem… no locking.. very little tangling… just a lot of dust and lint. *siiiiggghhhs* WHY??? However.. if I DARE to consider trying to wear my hair out… it would be such a tangled & crazy looking mess by the end of the day it would take me hours to comb it out. ARGH! *sighs* So for the past few days I have been wandering around with a huge floofy bush of hair… trying to decide what to do with it. I could try to lock again…. but I don’t know… or I could cut it off…but I love my hair too much to do that…. I HATE the way my hair feels straightened (hard crunchy and dead), and I get tired of putting it into cornrows… and I don’t have the time or the money to go to a salon and get someone else to do it for me. *sighs* Any suggestions?? It is getting way too hot for me to keep wrapping my hair up and wearing hats…. Atlanta sun is NO joke.

Hmmm what else? I have been procrastinating something TERRIBLE on my finals. *shakes head* I think I have a self-destruct switch in me that comes on the second that I start doing something REALLLY major. I don’t know WHAT my mental block is. I DO however, at this point know soo much more about cars and Subaru Impreza’s than I ever thought I would know after two days. And I have chatted to my friends so much that most of them assume I am done with my finals. And my toe & finger nails look absolutely lovely…and my house is nice and neat…Umph… if they only knew (and don’t even START fussing at me Papi).
Well… I am about to go and start working…. I will have to finish writing later….( I missed my deadline..but by only by a few minutes….bad bad Jazzy)

Stay Jazzed.

Blues Clues

I am so...just so out of it. I think that any other time the fact that I am so...deluged with work would be okay...but these are finals. (Yeah...there is gonna be some repetion...be warned). Senior year finals. Dear merciful one I cannot fuck this up. I am so stressed and tired and wiped and just all out of it that I hurt mentally, and there isn't shit I can do except suffer through it and hope that I get some blinding clarity that will let everything go smoothly. And I am sick & tired of people telling me empty platitudes like 'You will be okay' or 'Don't worry' or 'Be positive' . Really...none of that is going to help me right now. None of that is going to do a damn thing but make me feel worse if I fail, and irritating the hell out of me now. And I have to go to work tommorow. Mercy...I have to focus on the little bits...the pieces of time that matter. The fact that ALL of the little pieces of time matter I have to ignore.
Anyway, I did two exciting & interesting things today...I got my aftercare checkup done...and came out with a clean bill of health. As part of it they gave me some pills, and I had to sign the reams of paperwork that was attached to my medical file. The description of the abortion itself was amazing. I haven't decided if this is morbid, or odd , or what.. but I wish that I could have seen what she looked like. Yeah I know...most likely a bloody broken mess, but she was my baby...and after reading the description of the 'material' that was removed...I wonder what it looks like. It sounded like it was really...distinct...less of a mess and more of a child than I thought. Mercy. So that was interesting...at least to me. The slightly more interesting/exciting thing was I played the lottery. *shrugs* Who knows...I might win a little something. I really don't think that I would finish finals if I did. I would just come back and take the whole semester over in bits & pieces. I mean I would be able to pay for it. Also along the cashmoney train of thought, I got the corporate card from E.L. today. I promptly made my reservations for the trip to Indy, as well as the return trip from DC. I wasted entirely too much time doing so, but at least it was a little peaceful & quiet time. I managed to get some really great deals...and just the way I wanted them too...
I think that is all for now... I have another entry up in me... but that one will have to flower later.

Stay Jazzed.

So Long, Farewell

Today is the Senior Farewell(s) where each department has a little something to wish the seniors who are graduating good-bye. Our department is having one as well, and sadly enough I can't even muster up the enthusiasm that I should have for this. All I want at this point is a B-/C average this semester and joy, joy, joy will flow through & into me. I tried to dress up today in a cute little summery dress, and some sexy sexy heels...and all I can think is what was I tripping on? I need heavy duty clothes to endure extends amounts of time in this cold lab. I think I understand the whole concept of senior week better now...any other time the end of the semester is just that... the end of one with a pause until the next comes up. But here & now, this is the END. And everything matters so much more.
I talked on the phone to one of my 'acquaintence' types last night for almost 5 hours. I had been avoiding him for quite a long time, mainly because our relationship was founded on sex, and I wasn't interested in trying to fend off any approaches. I prefer to simply avoid circumstances where I get approached. The conversation however was fun. He is an intelligent man, relatively mature, and cool. *shrugs* I guess that is enough to get a conversation out of me. The importance of that? nothing much...but me being tired isn't helping the process much.
I wish that I had something else to talk abot other than school, but everything has recedeed into the dim back regions of my mind in the face of this...the last hump.
It's odd...I know I am going to summer school...but the two classes that I am taking are going to be minor compared to the madness I think I am going through now.
*deep breath* okay... my writing break is over for the day...I need to get some work done before I say 'farewell'.

Stay Jazzed.

Pause in the Day

It's around 5:00 p.m. and I haven't seen the sun since 8 this morning. I doubt that I manage to get out to see the sun before it vanishes into the darkness, but I will be okay with that. I talked about letting go of that which I don't want in order to make my life more peaceful. But how do you let go, when you HAVE to hold on in order to have the life you want? Change what I want? No...because I never believe in settling. SO I guess I have to march on and manage to do what needs to be done.
Today has actually been a rather good day (previous paragrapgh ignored). We had a end of class party for one of my clasess that was actually kinda cool. It was nice to be able to relax for a hot second. After that it was time to code, but since some...*clears throat* assistance was gotten from a classmate who had been in the class previously, it is going rather well.
I am facing a bit of a dilemma. I KNOW that my grades for the semester are going to be crappy, if they are passing grades at all. My question is, should I approach my teachers and let them know why my standard of work dipped so much at the end of the middle of the semester. The problem is, if I tell them (actually it's just ONE that I need to talk to), if I tell him what happened, would I be able to benefit from it? As in will he have mercy and give me a passing grade, or will he treat it as a matter that I should have come to him long time ago. *sighs* I don't know. Maybe I will talk to the head of the department first. *shrugs* I will sound the ground at a later point. or maybe now. I don't know.
Any ideas??

Stay Jazzed.