*blinks*

Oh my god.

It's almost November.

Like - it will BE November in roughly 29 hours (give or take how long it takes me to post this).

November.

That means......

NaNoWriMo

And holy shit, the site is so busy that it won't come up.

I'm thoughtful and scared and nervous and I actually have a pretty solid core of a story for a book.... and I think it will be fun..... and it would DEFINITELY be at least 50K words - easy.

Wow......

I really think I might do this.

*runsaroundmadlywavingherhandsoverherhead*

I'm really going to do this.

Ooooooh.

Fun.

I think what I will do is, make entries about Nano here, and just save them as drafts.... because I don't want anyone to jack my whole novel. Seriously, I think this one might be really good. Anyhow, I'll post some 'open' entries, and crosspost them to OD.

Heh.

Work is worship.

Eureka!!

I found it!! The old sex diary, that is. Or, more accurately, I found a download I made of it (cuz I'mma smart girl!) So - that's been added, along with the rest of my hair journal(s) - and I'm up to about 1600 posts, and a pretty consistent almost ten YEARS of my life. In December of '08 it will officially be ten years that I've been journaling online, and the changes are amazing - and amusing, in a lot of ways.

I've both matured, and gotten a little boring - a little dull. I'm not as willing to randomly romp around outside of my comfort zone, anymore. It's almost like - I've spent all this time FINDING a damn comfort zone, and now you want me to LEAVE it? Oh, damn that. *lol*

Now, though - it's like I've done ALL this work, and I don't know what to do with it. It seems like I used to have so much to say, so many topics to touch on. Okay, and I did a LOT of rambling too.

I wish there was a way - like how I have my quotes? If there was a way to show a random label everytime someone loaded the page. I guess, I could reuse the quote code, and figure out what the links to the labels are, and use that.... hrm. I don't know if it'll be worth it.

I did notice (ah, the wonders of talking about oneself) that each time I moved to a 'new' diary - or heck, even changed my diary name, that I became much more - vocal. Hopefully, that streak will hold up.

It's not that I'm - censoring - myself. Okay, maybe a little. Most of the time, it's that - what's going on (or not) in my head - well, hell, I think it's pretty uninteresting. I don't have drama in my life, I don't have drama amoungst my friends, but I think that I'm shortchanging myself because I'm not taking things out of my head and turning them over and exploring them the way they deserve to be.

I actually need to make a post on FOS, while I'm thinking of it.

And that should take up most of the rest of this workday.

Mondays.

Bleh.

Weekend....

So, by some stroke of serendipity (I've been stumbling over a lot of that, lately) the latest 'old' entry that popped up was talking about transplanting bushes, and OS kindly noted that this time of year is about the best time of year to do it (bushes are dormant, ground isn't frozen) and it's been raining BUCKETS for the last two - no, three - days - making the ground softer than my hair.

So.

Looks like I might be transplanting bushes this weekend. The move-to ditch is mostly done - I did that much earlier in the year, and I just need to rip out the greenery that has overtaken it, and finish expanding it. The bushes themselves will be 'fun' to dig up and move - but I need to do it anyhow, as it's messing with my gardening steelo, so, that'll be okay.

I'm also supposed to get my treadmill this weekend (yippee!!) so I need to clean the junk from outside the house.

I need closed crocs to work outside in - not the ones with the holes in it, as it's wet and cold and wet & cold feet are the anti-funness.

I got this interesting email yesterday, and I'm going to try to start encorporating the suggestion into my daily life.

Did you know that by simply removing one word from your vocabulary, and replacing it with another, you can put yourself in the driver’s seat and gain 100 percent control of your life?
More often than not, the word “CAN’T” is the culprit of your failures. By replacing “CAN’T” with “WON’T,” you open the door to asking yourself the right questions that may help you get out of your own imaginary prison.
Do you say “I can’t take a vacation,” or “I can’t get a better job”?
By changing those statements to, “I won’t take a vacation,” and “I won’t get a better job,” what questions are raised?
Why won’t you? What’s holding you back? What are you not willing to do to make it happen? Plenty of people have done those things, and are doing them right now as you’re reading this, so they’re obviously not real impossibilities!
Start your transformation by paying close attention to when and how you use the word “can’t,” and then repeat the sentence in your mind, replacing “can’t” with “won’t.” Analyze the sentence, and you may be in for an awakening.

I thought that was interesting, and challenging, and relatively simple, overall, so - yeah.

Urmmm. I think that about it.

Stay warm, ya'll.

Oh, Stop it!!

I don't know what I'm bumping to cause those OLD entries to show up as my latest, but I swear, really, they aren't - I'm just strolling down memory lane.

In 2007 news - holy fuck, it's OCTOBER???!?!?!!?? I mean, okay, obviously that happened about 11 days ago, but DUDE! This year feels like a blur - WHooooosssshhh! Which ya know, is one of the reasons I'm strolling down memory lane - it's amazing how much has happened (and hasn't happened) over the few years I have in OD. Okay - I've BEEN here for seven years, but I've winnowed down my diary a couple of times between now and then.

I'm totally not ready for it to be cold yet - I don't have many inbetweeny clothes (because I'm HUGE! Oh my god, I'm soooo fat), and it's still too warm for winter clothes.

I'm in love with skirts (floorlength ones) but none of my winter skirts are long enough. Can you make nice skirts out of pillproof fleece? I'm thinking they might look like wool.

I don't have any shoes - I've (finally) released my addiction to heels (I think it's been the long skirt thing - I don't care so much about how my legs look *laugh*) and I've been wearing thongs/crocs all summer (when I'm not barefoot altogether) and - my toes are getting cold! I think I'm going to do ballet slipper type things....

Gahhhhh! I need to go clothes shopping (or sew) and I so don't feel like doing EITHER.

As I've been meandering down memory lane, I've stumbled across the two (or three - maybe four??) different weight loss/health efforts I've made, and ya know what? I suck. *lol* I mean - seriously, I'm literally the EXACT SAME WEIGHT I was 5 years ago. Which, I suppose could be a good thing, if that weight wasn't so damn overweight that it's insane, AND if I hadn't lost close to 90 pounds inbetween there.

*sigh*

I finally broke down and ordered the full price treadmill - It's hate to walk around the yard as I have to coat myself with OFF. It stinks.

Speaking of stinky - I've stopped using deodorant! *l* I use this bar from Lush (www.lush.com - beware, you will fall in LOVE) and it's WONDERFUL. I smell - good. Human, rather than some chemicalized version of a spring rain coated with baby powder.

Urm. What else?

I have about another 200 books I need to add to my LibraryThing - I love bookclosests.com and the thriftstore - oh, love! And I refuse to shelve them, so they are scattered alllll over the place - *headshake*

I should most likely do that this weekend.

So, how are ya'll?

4:18

Because it's not just the desire for a baby that pushing, pushing, pushing me. It's the need - the craving - to be doing something, everyday, every hour, that I actually GIVE a fuck about.

I don't want to be here. That came to the forefront of realization when I saw how delighted I was at the thought of being fired. I'm working on my Career Development & Workplan now, and I realized that my number one problem is that I don't give a fuck. I've got no drive, no passion, no interest with most of the things that go on around here.

I need to be on a process team, where I'm challenged to do new things, create new processes, and actually have OTHER people give a fuck about it, rather than stuck here where half the people whine, and the other half play online.

Yea, I'm a little frustrated. Because I know I've got more in me - but why the hell should I give it to IP? I've got no reason to. I work hard enough to get my paycheck, and to keep things moving along, and anything extra is more than I have the energy/interest/passion in doing.

And, at the same time, I feel completely unauthentic at even PRETENDING like I want to move somewhere else - why, when I know (ovulation willing) I'll be flipping this place the long-term, kissmyass bird in less than a year?

So.

I don't know. I'm going to have to mull over this one at home. Can I fake it? I doubt it - I'm not busy enough to even build up that sort of head of steam. I'll have to think on it.

In more chapter appropiate news - I got a POSITIVE OPK!!! Wooott! That was *thinks* Yesterday. We've DTD almost 4 days in a row - I'm trying to stagger it so that we do it at night, skip a day, then do it in the morning. That seems to be the best plan to insure that we've got fresh sperm up there all the time. I also had EGGWHITE!! EGGWHITE!! I didn't think I could make eggwhite, and it was just a little bit, hanging out up by my cervix, but STILL!

We've had more sex in the last few days (back to back to back) than we've had in a while, and suprisingly enough, it's nice. It's not nearly as much of a chore as I expected it to be - sex with a purpose.

My chart makes us look like bunnies, but I don't care.

And - I think I ovulated today - this afternoon, actually, around 2ish. I was sitting here, and  there was this sudden, short, sharp cramp on my right side. That would be really nice, to get pregnant. If I do, my LMP needs to be 3/15, according to dates, and things.

I don't think I'll tell OD as a whole until I'm at 8-12 weeks. Anna just went through her miscarriage here, but - well, everydamn body knows how baby insane she is, so - it was more expected. I've kept my babyside to myself, because - well, just because that's how I roll. And, I'm gonna keep it to myself for as long as possible. Because, dammit. I jsut want to. My own little secret. Our little secret.

*sigh*

I haven't even gotten my coverlines yet, and I'm already dreading this 2WW.

I need to get out of here earleish.

4:30

Yes, Yes.

.............

I come, and I stare, and I rack my brain, and - really. Nothing is going on - new like, in my life. Well, nothing that I consider of enough gripping interest that YOU folx would want to know about.

And maybe that's it. I love ya'll dearly, I do, and treasure the wonderful ODbond that has formed.

But. This is MY diary.

And sometimes, I think that - dammit - I think that I censor myself based on what I THINK other people want/need from me. And yeah, this is about way more than just OD.

And I'm slowly coming to realize that - well, not slowly, but the realization bitch slapped me a few days ago, and I'm still slowly coming to terms with it - but I'm coming to realize that not only am I doing MYSELF a disservice, it's an insult - really - to everyone I call friend.

At the same time - it's HARD. Oh dear me, is it hard. And it really shouldn't be, ya know? I shouldn't be afraid of being me. I shouldn't be ashamed of being me. As much as I talk about not requiring approval from others - deep down, I want it. I like feeling stroked and appreciated - and I cringe - on a souldeep level - when I am shunned/ignored/pushed aside. I'm a party girl at heart - but I'm a party girl who has never been one of the cool kids - always forming my own little party of three or so in the corner.

And, over the years I've convinced myself that I'm just so - different - that it's kinda expected I would be the odd kid out. I'm from Jupiter, you see, and therefore I don't have to TRY to fit in. And really - I don't want to fit in.

I just don't want to be afraid of not fitting in.

Also (and I'm only a marginal believer in the concept of horoscopes, but after a couple of nice solid nudges, a girl has to sit up and pay attention) my last few horoscopes/inspirational emails have all had the same thing of authenticity and of selfcenteredness and selfawareness.

I've got to break out of my shell. I HAVE to. I've finally - finally - grown to the point where the shell isn't giving anymore. And it's starting to make me feel stagnant, and guilty, and withdrawn that I can't give what I know I CAN give - and oftentimes want to give - but I just can't break through fully enough to pull it off.

I want to be the full sunhearted, moonbellied woman that I KNOW I am.

I'm just terrified that being me will be an impostion on people, and I'll be left all alone.

*sigh*

Well. Looks like I did have something on my mind, afterall.

5469!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Continuing on with my beastliness today - thank god I have no plot, as I have no clue what I'm doing.
Really - this is the easy part - I'm introducing characters (and do I care if they are consistent? Nope, not at all), and fleshing out backstories and setting up stuff for future twists. But still - 10%!!! In two days!! Icouldbe finished before T'giving at this rate! *ROFLOL* Um, yeah. I'm just building up extra word stock so that when I start to hate it, and hate it with a passion, I'll only have to slog through 15K words rather than 35K.

So far, I've commited at least one writing sin, telling instead of showing, and I so really am NOT going back to tweak it, nope, nope, nope.

YAY!!! For the DM creating a Circle for us Nano and NoJo types... if I write one Nano entry everyday for a month, does that automatically qualify me for NoJo?

Um. I'm wearing pants today, and they feel VERY odd. (utterly not NaNo related, but I had to tell someone!)

Remember - no plot, no PROBLEM!!!

Write ON!!!

Whooohoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*wishes the DM had the headbanging rocker smiley*

Starting Over

Those first two entries were pulled from elsewhere, but I suppose I should start from the beginning. Who knows how long it's going to be before I can actually get an appointment with the woman, and maybe by the time we make it, I won't need it anymore.

My sexual history: I was always interested in sex - I can remember sneaking books off of my parents shelves - Everything you wanted to know but were too afraid to ask about SEX! Some book about a woman using her sexual prowess to basically start to rule Congress. Where babies come from - all of it by the age of ten. It was fascinating to me, and gave me warm giggly goosebumply feelings. I was fascinated with other peoples sexual organs - but mostly in a very - clincal kind of way. My earlist sexual memory was about 4 or so - me and a girlfriend exploring each others parts under the bedsheets during a sleep-over.

Even as I got older (I stopped around 13), and KNEW it was wrong (and oh, the feelings of guilt I carried around over THIS one) I would 'explore' the private bits of the babies I babysat - I don't remember feeling aroused - just - curious. My mother was a nurse, and very blunt about sex. She told me about everything there was to know, and gave me the rundown about everything you could get - diseases & babies - and everything you couldn't get - real love - from sex. She caught me & a 'boyfriend' messing around one day, and promptly took me to the clinic for birth control pills the next day. I was 15. I lost my virginity at 17 - I met the boy at my best friends 16th birthday party. He was my first 'real' boyfriend, and I thought his badboy persona was about the sexiest thing ever. I didn't have sex with him to 'prove' something, or to make him love me (as he was already obsessed) I was just - curious about what the hoopla was about. And after it was over (rather funny - and not at all painful), I remember walking home shrugging my shoulders, trying to figure out what the big deal was.

I had various sexual encounters in high school - had sex in a park (same boy I lost my virginity with) sex in a boyfriends house (the one my mom caught me with - FINALLY actually did the deed), sucked dick in my mom's living room (another bad boy I was desparate to impress), had anal sex (we were out of condoms and he was really horny - needed LOTS of vaseline - and it actually wasn't too bad - he was obsessed with me too) - and all in all - thinking back on it - I'd say I had sexual encounters with definitely 4, maybe 5 boys in the year and a half before I graduated from high school. It was never really something I WANTED - it was just something I did - something I was talked into, something I gave in to.

In college, for the first 3 years or so, I had sex with two boys - one was my boyfriend freshman and junior year (M) - a huge block of a man, sexy as hell but a consistant liar, and the other, who was an absolute sweetie, but had about as much sense (and desire to actually freaking GRADUATE) as a cat has for taking a bath (J). I enjoyed sex, certainly, but I can never remember really - WANTING it. It was more of a path to - companionship, friendship, and despite all my momma had told me, a shortcut to love.

The last two years of college I like to call my 'slutyears'. I went all out - started cheating on M with a man and a woman, having finally decided that I had to stop 'talking' about being bi and figure out if I really was (yes, and still am). I found the wonderful world of the internet - and being in a major metropolitan city, I found PLENTY of people who were interested in a lil sumthin sumthin. Looking back on it, I think I was lost, lonely, suffering from depression and severely stressed, and offering myself sexually was how I got some 'relief' from the constant decision-making of the rest of my life. I joined a 'swing group' that had regular parties, and was actually crowned 'Best Dicksucker of 1999'. I partied like sex was about to be outlawed.

I came to a screeching halt when I picked up a dude at a bus stop, and let him fuck me in an alley way. That was when it hit me that this behavior was unheathly, dangerous, and likely to get me somewhere I really didn't want to be. I slowed down some, but still hung out with the sexual friends I had made in my slutyears - and actually starting dating one - T. I was the other layer of girl bread in her & her husband's swinging life, and as they went through a divorce, we fell in love. With her was the first time I ran into the 'not interested in sex' wall. We were together about six months, and literally, I'd rather clean the bathroom than have sex with her. It wasn't that I didn't love her (I did, but not nearly as much as she loved me) - I just wasn't interested.

We finally broke up - mostly because she, like a lot of lesbians (she finally gave up the bi label after he divorce) wanted to rush into marriage/living together/settling down - and I hadn't even graduated from college yet, and simply wasn't interested. I was actually approaching cheating on her with one of my boyfriends from college (J), and ended up getting pregnant the first time we had sex after I broke up with T.

I was miserable, furious with myself for having unprotected sex (we used a condom, but I wasn't on the pill anymore - dating a girl for 8 months would do that to you), furious at him for being utterly unwilling to even consider being a father, furious at life for sending me such a fucked up curveball. I love children, but then (and even now) was unwilling to have a child until I was ready. I was depressed, sad, and had the worst case of 1st trimester exhaustion ever - on top of the stress of taking senior finals. I had an abortion on Good Friday 2000, at 11w5days - two days before it would have been illegal to terminate, and as I walked out of the clinic, a huge weight lifted off of me - and a very simple, very cautious realization settled on me. EVERY man I had sex with could be the father of my child. Every. Single. One. Pill, sponge, condom, IUD, whatever - it didn't matter. The human race is DESIGNED to procreate, and well, shit happens.

I graduated (barely), got a new job in a new city, and basically ran as far as I could away from everything that I had gone through in the last 6 months. It took me close to a year to totally forgive myself, 3 years to forgive him, and I met the man who I would marry Labor Day, 2000. I hadn't had sex for close to 7 months, and he introduced me to weed, and every scrap of repressed sexual desire sprung out of me. In the first 3 months of our relationship, we had sex almost every which way imaginable - I wouldn't do anal, and I wasn't all that crazy about sucking dick - but the powertrip that I got off of it got me over the power loss that I felt doing it. We had sex almost every night, and I came in wild gushes. We had sex three or four times most weekends, doing nothing but lay in bed, and have sex. That was the last time we had a sexual relationship that fully satisfied him.

We both hated condoms, and after having been declared 'clean', and knowing that we were exclusive, I got on the Pill, and my sex drive literally went through the floor. We almost broke up several times, because I simply wasn't interested in having sex. I cried, we had screaming matches, but we both KNEW that each other was something seriously worth holding onto, and we worked our way through it. I got off the Pill (after a particularily emotionally painful discussion that ended up with me sobbing in the corner of a room), and got an IUD June 2001. Despite all of our troubles - and I guess the clear signs that THIS would be an issue, he asked me to marry him Thanksgiving Day, 2001. I gleefully said yes. We got married a little less than 3 years later, on April Fools Day, 2004.

Our sexual relationship has gone down the hill since. I've actually lost weight (close to 70 pounds), and while he's even more attracted to me, I could go for months - literally - without even once THINKING about having sex.

I'm an imaginative girl, and I've tried to pretend like he's someone else - that's worked once or twice. I've tried to create my own little fantasy inside my head - that's never worked. I've tried to have HIM treat me like a cheap little slut - and I get pissed off because the power in our relationship is too evenly distributed for me to get off on that. We've screamed, cried, threatened to leave, thrown stuff, stopped talking, stopped having sex, read books, watched shows - and 3 months later, I look up, and he's upset because we haven't had sex in 3 weeks.

Finally, (as I wrote in the first entry in this diary) I've caved. I've tried to tell myself that maybe I'm just NOT a sexual person - I love touching, and being touched, and being loving and huggy and physically affectionate - but sex turns me off. I've tried to convince myself that there's something wrong with HIM, not with me. I've tried to defiently ignore his moods, and the fact that to him sex IS love. And - I can't do it anymore. I love him too much to put US through this kind of pain. So I give. I yield. I lay down my pride and my determination - and if that damn triage nurse EVER calls me back - I'm going to start therapy. Because. It just ain't right.

With all that said - I don't think that she'll be able to do anything for me. For once, I hope that a doctor listens to my symptoms and prescribes a pill that just makes me randy. It's not that I don't LIKE sex. It's not that I don't come when we have sex. It's just that - I'm plain not INTERESTED. It's - ugh. It's kinda like cleaning the litter box - something that you KNOW has to be done - but I'll put it off until the stink is just unbearable.

purge-a-tory

the lives
the times
the people
perhaps my connections were never too real
too strong
too focused
to be kept.
I don't know
my heart isn't
here
anymore.

I've been on OD for almost *thinks* 4 years pretty consistently - low periods sometimes, high periods other times. Lately - for the past few months in fact - I've mainly been a reader - hardly ever a writer. And - I do want to keep reading - on some occasions - but I feel like I've fallen so far out of so many lives that I don't know if I havethe umph to slide myself back into them. I look at the favorite link for OD, and it's just like - uuugghhh. Guilt/sadness/distance all rolled into one. Maybe I'm too busy - between work and business and home and finally consiously trying to get off my ass and have a life outside of the screen. And the crash did't help - it's actually made the break maybe a little easier.
I think - if anything - I might start over. Dump all of A'ishah - strip down my faves to the bare minimum - and work forward from there. I've got till February to decide - and who knows what might happen by then.
:) Ciao for now.

YEEP!!

It's about that time - my subscription here is about to expire. So - I'm going to just copy ths whole place, and then let 'er pass in peace. :) I've settled down enough that I don't really NEED an entire diary JUST for my wedding.
Anyone who hasn't found my 'other' identity yet - I'm A'ishah. See ya round.

Eep.

My entire favorites list is in bold. I didn't send a single postcard as I lost them during one of our drunken rambles through Geneva. And oddly enough - I'm REALLY excited about being back at work. Let's see how long this lasts....

Confession

Okay. I've got a confession to make. I created another diary. :) I started missing just WRITING here - not just wedding writing. And at first I was just going to leave em separate - but dammit I've got WAYYY too many faves under this name and I'm lazy. So - If you see some chicky called A'ishah leaving you smartass notes - that'll be me.

jasmyn

Excuse the Dust

*brushes off the last bits*

Well - thus completes the total revamping of my diary - from "My wonderful Life" to "Our Wonderful Wedding".

:)

All else I want to do is find a good, free countdown clock to count down the days to the wedding.

jasmyn

Happy Friday Brain Purge

There was this very friendly gentleman who used to be a security guard here named Frank. And every Friday, Frank would be sitting at the front desk, greeting people with a very cheery “Happy Friday” as they came in. Most people would respond in kind…and it was cool cuz it sounded not the least bit cheesy when Frank said it, or when people said it back to him. I think it sounded so sincere because he truly was sincere about wishing people a Happy Day. *sighs* Frank retired, but every Friday that I come to work I hope it’s a happy one.

I’m still working on designing this ring o’mine. One of the jewelry boards that I participate in has had an ongoing debate about copyright laws surrounding jewelry design. It started when someone who wanted a Tacori imitation, with some subtle changes that they had approached Tacori about making, but Tacori refused to make the changes - approached one of the custom jewelers on the board to make this ring for her. So this lady went to another jeweler, and this bru-ha-ha came up. It’s an odd thing to wrap my mind around, considering how rabid I am about copyright when it comes to writing (I think plagiarists should be suspended by their writing hand over a pit of hot lava) but yet I quite casually wear a Tiffany knock-off on my left hand…and have not a scrap of guilt about it. I think it comes down to a matter of accident. There are only but SO many ways to make a solitaire ring – there’s a round part you stick your finger through, 3 to 8 prongs that hold the stone in and a rock of some sort. I’m sure someone who is more math friendly than me can figure out exactly how many realistic combinations that comes to, but I know it’s not infinite. So – if two people totally separate design the same thing at close to the same time – but one person is a designer for a major label and the other person is Jo Shmoe – that (to me) isn’t copyright violation. Taking the basic design of something and adding changes that the designer won’t make – and getting a single unique ring made – to me that isn’t copyright violation either. There are some jewelers on the board who think that both are – and while I can understand their concerns – I think it’s a bit much. Especially when the designers themselves don’t seem to mind much…unlike Disney. :)
Anyhow – that has ‘flavored’ my ring design process. I want something very unique, but I know that there is not that much that HASN’T been done (esp. in the non froofy band I want) so I’m hunting for ways to pull it off. I need to go back to those chi-chi jewelry stores I was in before and look around more. So far – I know that I want a band with multiple princess garnets set in it. I would like it to have filigree around it somehow, and I would like it to be somewhat openwork. I know that you have to have a base for the filigree (or a rim around it) so I’m not sure how well openwork will work with that – but I’m trying. So – I go out on the net at look at designers that I know are well known for their filigree work (like Tacori) to see how they did it, what designs they had, and so forth – just to get an idea of what is feasible. Now though, I feel vaguely guilty about it – like I’m stealing something - even though most of Tacori’s stuff is 1) way tooooo froofy and 2) waaaaayyyy too damn expensive and 3) most likely would not substitute garnets for the diamonds anyway. *sighs* Bleh.

I’m on call for work tonight – and while I expect that I will have to go in (enough to bring a change of clothes as we can’t wear jeans), I’m madly hoping that I don’t have to go in. *crosses fingers* Speaking of which – after weeks and weeks of getting Tuesday and Thursday off (so much so that I had made plans for next Thursday as I thought I wouldn’t have to work that night) of course, I have to work. It presents more of a problem for the Lilly job, as I already have to cut out of here right on time (4:30) so coming in late or running errands during the days that I do work at night is a bad thing. Next week I have my first dentist appt for the deep cleaning of me teeth (must talk about my TB later) on – you guessed it Thursday. And it’s at 10:30!! So, I think I might come to work super early – take an early & long lunch, then traipse on over to LB.
Okay – now to talk about my wonderful toothbrush. It’s an electric one (the Braun UltraDeluxe thingy) and it’s just WONDERFUL. It has a set two minute timer (it’s amazing how long of a time that is) and it has a small head (good for me small mouth) and my teeth just get soooo much cleaner! Anyhow – I like it…and Slate did a shopping comparison and voted it the best Electronic TB among them all.

Reading one of my new favorites, I saw an old note on her diary that was from one of my old favorites who vanished, and whose diary name I couldn’t fully remember. After respotting several of my old fav’s when we made the switch to FeeOD, I was hoping that I could find her too. Ah well – she is no where to be found (at least under the old name(s). ) So – if anyone knows who/where KateAAF, or *Wendy* (she changes her name so dang much!) is – I would love to ‘find’ them again.

Man – I have been hopping around on subjects today. Just doing a brain purge.

Happy Friday!

Jasmyn

The Open House is OVER

*peeks around the corner*

Are they all gone??

*darts back into hiding at a rustle*



*slllloooooowwwwlllllllyyyy comes back out*


I think I did a bit too good of a job going out and begging for notes. Now I have all these strangers tromping through my roses and poking their noses against my windows and I don’t know ANY of them. It’s rather frightening actually.
I have decided that I NEVER want to be Editor’s Choice. Imagine having to go through this for an entire week (or more depending on how the OD Staff is feeling on Tuesday… or was it Thursday??) And then there is the danger of having someone who is NOT a random stranger (and considering I have a big ole cheesy picture of me on my front page now, it’s not like I could deny it) stumbling across here. Hm. Actually that wouldn’t be too bad, as I don’t think I know anyone in RL who might happen across here…maybe a coworker or two… but I don’t talk about them much. At least not badly, too much.


*yawwwwwnnnsss*


This is a late entry… started AFTER lunch. Oktoberfest was today… I had cabbage and soup for lunch. Really very filling. And also high in carbs which is a surefire way to make me sleepy as hell. *yawns*
Well… yeah.

Tomorrow is Friday… and then it’s the weekend. I think this weekend I will clean the house, and get some house like stuff….stuff I have been putting off buying but that I really really need Like more drawers, and *shrugs* Some other stuff. I can’t think of it all right now.

I have been thinking about more wedding stuff (as if this is new) and found some non-denominational type vows and stuff that with a little work will be rather nice. *grins* I don’t know if the ones that call on the God and the Goddess would go over too well (with my family or his) so I might have to tone that one down. And considering he suggested that his old pastor officiate *shrugs* I doubt that would go over too well with him either. Ya know… I don’t even know what denomination the church is??? * shrugs shoulders* Ah well.

Working working working.

During the severe storm warning yesterday, they herded us all into the basement as that was the storm shelter. Me and a coworker swapped palm pilot games, and she gave me this one that I am hooked on called DopeWars. *hangs head in shame* Basically you are a street dealer, and you have to see how much money you can make in 30 days. You start with 2000 bucks from a loan shark… and his interest is a BITCH! You buy and sell and try to avoid the cops. :) It’s a fun game… as long as I pretend like I am selling stock or something. :) It’s sad.

Okay. I think I’m done for the day.


Stay Jazzed.

Back to My life...

*shakes head*

 Okay… this is gonna be a real entry. I had to go to lunch to get myself out of the Survivor world. This game can REALLLY suck up time. My god…. doing work, chatting to coworkers and trying to play survivor all at once – what FUN!!

Anyhow… on the work front I might not be going to London. Not that that would bug me too much, but… I just wish I knew for sure. Speaking of which, I had the weirdest dream last night. My flight is supposed to leave at 5:15 or something like that on Saturday….  and with all the stuff going on I need to be at the airport by 2 at the latest.  I dreamt that I didn’t wake up until 3:30 Saturday, and hadn’t even packed. *laughs* You want to talk about madness?? And then, even though he isn’t even going, I dreamt that the coworker  I was stuck in Canada with had the same problem, except his car wouldn’t start and no cabs wanted to go out that far.  Wild… I hope it isn’t some kind of mental nudge for me. 

What else?   I have already bitched about the fact that I am broke…so let’s go on to wedding/not wedding stuff.

I have decided that rather set a time limit in my head for starting to bug him again, I am going to set a weight limit. *grins* I will start mentioning wedding stuff again once I have lost 25 pounds.  That way, the pressure is back on me. Hopefully that won’t take any more than 4 or so months. *nods* Plenty of time.  Of course, that also means that if I backslide…I will have to wait even longer. *sighs*

Urgh. I can’t wait to change my Diary back to ME!!  The chickie I mocked has a design similar to mine… but it’s just NOT me.

*sighs* I’m such a brat. I WANT that damn ring.  want it want it want it want it want it.  Waiting.  10 pounds.  1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10! ah-ah-ah.

Yes… I am going to do this in the ultimate reward/punishment system. I don’t get what I want till I give my self what I need.  *nods firmly*  *breaks down * But its soooo prettyyyy!!! *eyes sparkle* 

Okay. I’m rambling AND babbling at the same time. 

I’m bored.
I’m done.

*wanders off to look at Kachii stuff*

Stay Jazzed.

Theme Entry...

Ahhh…. a theme that I actually WANT to answer….

Because I moved around so much, I don’t have a place that I went to as a ‘child’ that I still like to go to. However, as an adolescent, I found a place that I love to go back to because of the warm and wonderful memories that I have from it.

During the summers after my freshman through junior years in high school I was enrolled in the Upward Bound program. This program was held on the campus of Swarthmore college, which has to be one of the most beautiful schools in Eastern PA, if not on the whole Eastern Seaboard. The campus is actually an arboretum, and it was originally started by Quakers, which means that not only does it have old classic buildings, it is surrounded by a 120 acre garden. *sighs* Gorgeous…and the friends I made while I was there I am still friends with.

Every time I go ‘home’ I have to go to Swarthmore and wander about in the Nature and beauty of that school.


That was really trite entry… and doesn’t even begin to capture the feelings that I have about Swarthmore. *shrugs* The place brings me peace and it makes me smile. I fell in and out of love for the first time there. I made my first ‘best friend’ there. I danced in a troupe for the first time there. I learned just how intelligent I am there. I grew up there. I got most of the social skills that I have now from there. I worked the hardest that I have ever worked there…and loved it the most. To me, SCUB was the best part of my teenage years.


Stay Jazzed.

Manic Wednesday

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! No OD?? There HAS to be OD. This is gonna be my last guaranteed OD day… how can it be down?? This is just totally unacceptable. I need my fix. *sighs* Or maybe it is just me… maybe the network is just screwy. Yeah yeah… it’s the network. *shivers*

Okay. I STILL haven’t talked to Cheffy. This is ridiculous. *shrugs* I’m really I’m reallly gonna hate leaving Gio alone for a whole week.. and I’m scared to think of the state my house is going to be in. I am going to get one of those extended waterers and leave a big ole pan of food out. *sighs* This sucks. This is one of those times that it would be good if I did have two cats… that way Gio wouldn’t be just totally bored, and he might not get too people shy. I’m also gonna leave the TV on…that should entertain him.

YAAYYY!! Okay. Now I have to stop and read…since OD is back.

Stay Jazzed

By the By......

Oh yes. I'm mildly scarred. I like this place and am waaaaaaayyy too attached to it. This is totally ridiculous. *rubs the servers belly softly* good server....goood server. I'm actually almost getting to the point where I would be willing to pay some small fee to be here and to insure that the servers continue to act right. Oh the levels of emotional blackmail the DM and his (it is a HE right??) staff could stoop too....it makes my tummy quiver. And that quivering has NOTHING to do with the lovely amounts of tummy I have either.

*waves* I'm gone...really.

Umph..took ya long enough. :)

Well…it’s day two of the OD Vanishment. At least it is day two to me. *shrugs* I didn’t bother writing yesterday, but I an only go for but so long without typing SOMETHING out.
I’m still exercising… I planned on going out last night to get a jump rope, but as I got caught in a bit of a spring shower with no umbrella and a silk dress on, I figured it was in my best (simply BEST) interest to just take my tail home. However, after working out this morning with Debbie Austin (she’s cool.. a LITTLE too damn perky, but cool) I realized that in order to jump rope I am going to need a much much much much much much much much much better sports bra. The one(s) I have now I just NOT up to the job. Walking and biking and lifting weights, sure.. they keep everything nicely in place. But Jumping??? Oh HELLLLL nawh. I don’t think I have really jumped rope in years…I might just have to wear a regular bra while I jump rope… some REAL support. The elastic & fabric combo is NOT working out.
Also, I might get some Tae-bo tapes. Debbie did a bit of that this morning and WHOOO!! Talk about a workout. And I like the fact that the steps seem pretty easy to get into. Hm. Also, I want to get some weights. I have seen over the past few days that I LIKE staying in… it gives me more time to work out, and I am more comfortable there. So… if I buy a set of weights, and get a good cardio tape, I will be set. *wiggles with joy* Next, comes the hard part. I have decided that I am going to exercise for a month before I start dieting. *rolls eyes grandly* I am going to start keeping a food record again too.. I need to see where my consumption is going. Ugh. It’s odd… I don’t mind the getting up an hour early to exercise.. in fact I am starting to enjoy it.. but the thought of having to shift a round my eating habits.. *sighs* that is a whole nother bottle of wax. Personally if I could just go without eating that would be simplest…. But I KNOW that won’t work. Um um um… I need something remarkably simple. That is the thing with most diets… you have to think and calculate and estimate every time you sit down to eat. Eating starts to lose *thinks* any enjoyment that you could get from it because you get so busy measuring and calculating and fretting about how much you are taking in. *sighs* Oddly enough the exercise isn’t much of a chore.. I like it. I like being hyper aware of my body… *shimmys in her seat* Yeah babbbbbyyyyy….. I can feel myself moooove differently, sit differently.. *shakes head* it’s reallllly interesting. How your body can just slowly… deteriorate and you never notice it until much later. Ughaa.
WHOA! I just got a shot of major inspiration. A chicky on this BBS that I’m a member of just posted some before & after pics after she lost 75 pounds…oh my god. Hm…she was on Weight Watchers. Hm. The difference is scarily dramatic. *shakes head* The only thing I’m worried about is losing all of my boobies. I LIKE my boobies (and my bootie too) and dammit! I wanna keep them… at least some of them.

I was ‘talking’ to a friend today about how confused I feel sometimes…like there is something missing from my life, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I mean, I am in a wonderful state right now, good job, great man, wonderful home, healthy, mostly happy with myself and working on it…not stressed, spiritually peaceful… it’s all so .. right, but I just don’t feel like it is all right for ME. I am just confused. *shrugs* vaguely unsettled. I don’t know. It’s an odd state to be in…but a good one too.

Ugh. Well. The network is dead, and I have nothing to do. Which means that I can’t work… nor can I play. *sighs* And I’m cold.

Blah. OD is probably STILL is not back up anyway… well.. until tomorrow

WHOO HOOO!! Bite MY tongue won’t cha!?!

Stay Jazzed