Yes, Yes.

.............

I come, and I stare, and I rack my brain, and - really. Nothing is going on - new like, in my life. Well, nothing that I consider of enough gripping interest that YOU folx would want to know about.

And maybe that's it. I love ya'll dearly, I do, and treasure the wonderful ODbond that has formed.

But. This is MY diary.

And sometimes, I think that - dammit - I think that I censor myself based on what I THINK other people want/need from me. And yeah, this is about way more than just OD.

And I'm slowly coming to realize that - well, not slowly, but the realization bitch slapped me a few days ago, and I'm still slowly coming to terms with it - but I'm coming to realize that not only am I doing MYSELF a disservice, it's an insult - really - to everyone I call friend.

At the same time - it's HARD. Oh dear me, is it hard. And it really shouldn't be, ya know? I shouldn't be afraid of being me. I shouldn't be ashamed of being me. As much as I talk about not requiring approval from others - deep down, I want it. I like feeling stroked and appreciated - and I cringe - on a souldeep level - when I am shunned/ignored/pushed aside. I'm a party girl at heart - but I'm a party girl who has never been one of the cool kids - always forming my own little party of three or so in the corner.

And, over the years I've convinced myself that I'm just so - different - that it's kinda expected I would be the odd kid out. I'm from Jupiter, you see, and therefore I don't have to TRY to fit in. And really - I don't want to fit in.

I just don't want to be afraid of not fitting in.

Also (and I'm only a marginal believer in the concept of horoscopes, but after a couple of nice solid nudges, a girl has to sit up and pay attention) my last few horoscopes/inspirational emails have all had the same thing of authenticity and of selfcenteredness and selfawareness.

I've got to break out of my shell. I HAVE to. I've finally - finally - grown to the point where the shell isn't giving anymore. And it's starting to make me feel stagnant, and guilty, and withdrawn that I can't give what I know I CAN give - and oftentimes want to give - but I just can't break through fully enough to pull it off.

I want to be the full sunhearted, moonbellied woman that I KNOW I am.

I'm just terrified that being me will be an impostion on people, and I'll be left all alone.

*sigh*

Well. Looks like I did have something on my mind, afterall.