4:18

Because it's not just the desire for a baby that pushing, pushing, pushing me. It's the need - the craving - to be doing something, everyday, every hour, that I actually GIVE a fuck about.

I don't want to be here. That came to the forefront of realization when I saw how delighted I was at the thought of being fired. I'm working on my Career Development & Workplan now, and I realized that my number one problem is that I don't give a fuck. I've got no drive, no passion, no interest with most of the things that go on around here.

I need to be on a process team, where I'm challenged to do new things, create new processes, and actually have OTHER people give a fuck about it, rather than stuck here where half the people whine, and the other half play online.

Yea, I'm a little frustrated. Because I know I've got more in me - but why the hell should I give it to IP? I've got no reason to. I work hard enough to get my paycheck, and to keep things moving along, and anything extra is more than I have the energy/interest/passion in doing.

And, at the same time, I feel completely unauthentic at even PRETENDING like I want to move somewhere else - why, when I know (ovulation willing) I'll be flipping this place the long-term, kissmyass bird in less than a year?

So.

I don't know. I'm going to have to mull over this one at home. Can I fake it? I doubt it - I'm not busy enough to even build up that sort of head of steam. I'll have to think on it.

In more chapter appropiate news - I got a POSITIVE OPK!!! Wooott! That was *thinks* Yesterday. We've DTD almost 4 days in a row - I'm trying to stagger it so that we do it at night, skip a day, then do it in the morning. That seems to be the best plan to insure that we've got fresh sperm up there all the time. I also had EGGWHITE!! EGGWHITE!! I didn't think I could make eggwhite, and it was just a little bit, hanging out up by my cervix, but STILL!

We've had more sex in the last few days (back to back to back) than we've had in a while, and suprisingly enough, it's nice. It's not nearly as much of a chore as I expected it to be - sex with a purpose.

My chart makes us look like bunnies, but I don't care.

And - I think I ovulated today - this afternoon, actually, around 2ish. I was sitting here, and  there was this sudden, short, sharp cramp on my right side. That would be really nice, to get pregnant. If I do, my LMP needs to be 3/15, according to dates, and things.

I don't think I'll tell OD as a whole until I'm at 8-12 weeks. Anna just went through her miscarriage here, but - well, everydamn body knows how baby insane she is, so - it was more expected. I've kept my babyside to myself, because - well, just because that's how I roll. And, I'm gonna keep it to myself for as long as possible. Because, dammit. I jsut want to. My own little secret. Our little secret.

*sigh*

I haven't even gotten my coverlines yet, and I'm already dreading this 2WW.

I need to get out of here earleish.

4:30