7:54

CD11, and I've just offically scared myself.

I was reading the TTC'ing #1 in your 30's thread, and Kemi was writing fer going off post, and asking for a new host for June, since Kharen got her BFP. And - the first thought that drifted through my head was - ooh, what stage of my cycle would I be in?

And that scares me - that I'm already basing choices that I'm making on whether I'll potentially be pregant - all, unconsiously. I don't WANT to be one of those crazy, trying to concieve, doesn't do anything but dream of her baby to be.

Dear Goddess, I want this to be easy. I want it to be like the first time, one night of passion and a teary episode on the side of the tub a few weeks later.
Oh, but how different of a set of tears would it be, this time?

Do I feel guilt - no....not guilt. As I just gently ranted elesewhere, guilt is regret, and you don't regret a choice you are happy about. I feel - fear. I don't even believe in a retributive god - but I believe in karma. And karmically - yeah, I'm willing to take a hit for the abortion. That's not regret - that's just a fact. And, karmically (and just genereally easily fuckingly ironically) if would be realllly fucking appropiate for my retribution to comei n the form of long trials and suffering to bear another child of my body. And - I couldn't even rail against it, as deep in my heart, I would think that it was FAIR. So I would jsut suffer and climb on through - beliveing - even more - that I could, in my life, bear at least one child from under my heart.

So.

That's the quiet terror that creeps with me as just ONE missed cycle (something missed something, somehow) has gone by - and I'm entering OPK Series 2 pictures.

Just one month.

I'm afraid. More than guedra, more than marriage, this - scares me. Primary Infertility would knock  - rock - shock - the root of me - of who I see myself - my more myself self, that is - as. I realized - oh! I realized what the feeling of my heart trying to break through my ribs symbolized, but I don't remember what it was........... maybe a seed, sprouting? Bah. But - this - this mothering energy in me is - powerful. I HAVE to release it, somehow. And becoming a mother would be the easy way.

I'm hoping that writing this out will let me release it - will free me from that fear - will give me a center of restfulness to take things as they come - take me to a place that allows me to fight when needed and surrender when needed. Balance.

That's what I need.

8:08