8:51

I took my first test today - 9DPO, mid afternoon, not held (but dark) urine, and got a lovely pristine negative.

Oddly enough, I don't believe it. I'm quite calmly certain that I just tested too early - and I'm okay with that.

I'm kinda considering testing every day - but keeping the results of the tests to myself. I want this - if it's true - to be my own little secret before I would even have to consider telling anyone else. Maybe I will.

Hrm. Almost all of the symptoms have stopped - except for the nipples. They aren't so hard as to hurt, but even when my boobs (I wrote boos, at first. That would be a cute name for nursing - Do you want boo? Boo? - *LOL* People would get the entirely WRONG impression if that was yelled across a crowded room) are loose and stretched out, they are still a tiny bit erect. *shrugs*  Oddly enough (I'm still trying to come to an honest, uninfluenced balance on how I feel - and this is the only place I can be totally true), I'm - calm, either way. Maybe because I'm so CERTAIN that I'm pregnant. If I'm not - I don't think I'll be devastated, just - wrong. :lol

Oddly enough, when I first find out that I'm pregnant - I even want to keep it from C for a while - just a day or two - a time for me & my babe to connect - to make that first bond. Selfish? Maybe - but it's something valuable to me.

It's sad. I've realized that no matter how much I love C - I will always be this babes mother. Only death will stop that for me. For him - well, it's easier - much easier - to stop being the babes' father. And I know (and acknowledge) that that particular idea/meme is from the fathers I've had, and the fathers that I've seen, and that I really have no clue what a proper father is like. I wonder if C does. Once I'm pregnant, I'll ask him questions like that.

I don't feel ready to talk to him about being a parent - maybe it's not fair - but I only give him nine months to come to terms with being a parent - and I've given myself how long? a year? and I'm still struggling with different ideals of parenting. *sigh* I think that I trust that he will trust - and listen - to me. I've kinda sorta talked to him about CIO (in the scope of my potential client), and we had a circ conversation ages ago.

I'm really scared about broaching cosleeping with him. I don't know how to being it up - I would really like for the whole upstairs to be a sleeping area - and the downstairs to be our living quarters - but that would - not put a kink in our sex life - but change the focus of it from the bed to the rest of the house. 

Hrm. I don't kknooooowww!

I've been saying that a lot lately.

It's one definitely honest thing.

9:07