Bi-lateral Confusion

Being bisexual is strange. It means that some of the time I gaze lustingly at men...but I go after women. And then of course..there is the times when there is a total change...and I stare and flirt with women...but have a boyfriend at home. And sometimes... when I'm around my gay friends.. I wonder how much the fact that I sleep with men... and like it affects thier feelings about me. Do they think I'm less of a gay person? Am I less of a gay person? Sometimes I wish that I could take back the fact that I have ever told anyone that I was bi..and simply live... lusting after women as I settled down with men. And in the AfAm gay community.. bi people (both male & female) are trashed as disease carrying sluts. *sighs* So it is really hard to find others (we are in two closets) and even harder to find other who aren't only trying to get into your pants...
It has come to the point where I'm looking in personals just to see if I can find someone to befriend...is that sad? or is it simply wise?

Sometimes I feel so alone
sitting in my room
lit by the blue glow
of my computer screen
then I hear the door
& an internet friend walks in

So I'm confused...I am NOT straight...I know that... but.. I feel like I'm missing something... this is another dark strange house that I am bumping around in...I think that I am painfully naive and so not innocent at the same time, because there is so much taht I have NOT expericenced... yet there is so much that I DO know about that there is this odd discontinuity between my knowledge and my experience.

And I wonder... I mean... maybe I just need someone to talk to...but the one or two people who I would feel comfy talking about this with are either straight or just as confused themselves.

(A thought just struck me...when I go back to school I can LEARN...without worrying about what grades I get. How amazing.)

I wrote a poem once.. about my bi-lateral life...living in two closets. Totally straight to straight folx.. totally gay to gay folx....it gets to be a bit of a headache.. but why am I in the closet at all? Can't folx take me for who I am? but evenas bold as I claim to be... I still am afriad of others judgements of me.. yeah.. I'm working on it... and every day I ahve to remind myself...

Stay Jazzed.