Oopss...Did I do that?

I often wonder about me. *laughs* I guess that is what the main part of my life has been about, checking my mind set to be sure that I am okay.. that I am not expressing or repressing some painful history or memorires by my actions. I guess that I think that I can't just be me. Something outside of me is to blame. But I really DO like me...I'm just not too sure about the rest of the world. Anyhow...

I met one of my net friends Fri. night. We met through an 'adult' related website, and so I was looking forward to some sort of sexual energy happening between us, but it wasn't a absolute need. We had fun..went out fora couple of drinks.. went crusing through the city...came back to my house and messed around on the computer for a while. And while I was interested... I couldn't seem to make that first move. I am horrible and moving seduction/flirtation froma verbal/non physical level to the physical one. He (whomever that HE may be) always HAS to make the first move...but once that move has been made I tend to get rather... hmm... aggressive...*laughs* I think that he was surprised by the reception his move had.
Anyhow...we engaged in some safer sex acts...and after I had done (goodness..how detailed can I get before the DM wipes me out?) well.... I workeda littel mouth magic..and the result was to say the least..thrilling. *laughs* I think that my smug joy in being able to reduce men into small quivering heaps of post coital bliss has something to do with my whole dominance thing. As one of my mentors told me..."You are very passive aggressive. You manage to get exactly what you want, and let the person think that the whole thing was THEIR idea."
And I wonder if that is part of my innate bowing to societies (and religions) place of women. We can wield power yes.. but not obviously. Our power must be held in secret, manipulative and subtle.
Any how... I have been doing alot of non fiction reading lately.. which is kindarare for me. But I am trying to prepare myself for..what ever may come. Suddenly.. it is strange. I WANT to be healthy. I want to eat right..I want to be strong again. And if the root of that is a desire for my budding exhibitionism to be able to fully bloom... who am I to complain? My current book is called WOmen's Bodies Women's Minds, and it talks about how many of the 'women' problems that women experience are often caused by emotional distress going on in their life. I find the book fascinating, and as I read it, I am amazed by how HEALTHY I have been. I rarely get colds, I have never been in the hospital. never had a cavity, never hada broken bone. My only health problem is my weight, and that can be handled with..not ease, but witha good deal more simplicity than most health problems. One thing that the book seems to harp on is women who have sex with people that they do not love. And I wonder why, in this book that exalts women's own life choices, we are assumed to only enjoy sex if it is with someone that we love. It assumes that if one has sex with someone that you don;t love, that their is some sort of psychological problem with you. I wonder why the author doesn't simply assume that some women have sex with people they don;t love because the libido needs to be quenched. *laughs* I guess I am trying to understand this doctor's perspective on sex & the women's mind...and it clashes with what I know to be true within my own mind (and I am certainly a woman) so I try to dissect where she came up with that idea.

Well I guess that wraps up today's monolouge... I have to go and wash clothes now... so I will try to

Stay Jazzed.