Talking to Myself

I think that I will buy a laptop one of these days. Just so that I can sit in comfort while I read the OD.

I'm odd. *laughs* that simple statement compasses so much of me it's frighening. I find certain things amazing and others not so much so. I wonder about myself. I sit down and wonder... HOW did I get this way? what has turned me into the woman that I am today? I frighteningly enough... I have no clue. I have not flashbacks or insights into what has turned me into the woman I am today. I wonder.. what has created these things in me. Any way...today s Friday..and on Fridays I ususally do something fun & for me. But I'm going to save that until tommorow when I go to the Amusement Park...

I wonder if I scare people off. I can bea cold hearted bitch of a GREAT magnitude at times, and then turn around and be totally calm. I find that telling the truth is the hardest task in the world.. espicailly when it is to those who love you, and you love. OThers.. *shrugs* it is no big thing.

I want to start training to be a witch. *sighs* what exactly does that mean? I want to developw ithin my self a connection to my ENTIRE self as well as the world that I live in so deep and so pure that I can see/understand/grasp stuff that others are too mechanized to see. I'm trying to do it on my own...but I'm stumbling around in a dark strange house. And all the signs are in a different language. SO with much stubbing of toes and painful gaspps.. I;m trying to gain an understand ing what I am aand what my place is in the world.

I have decided... all on my own (with some encouragement from my body) to stop eating dairy foods. THat is one steps of my cleansing. I ahve also decided that .. *siighs* I won;t eat any more red meat... that cheeseburer I had at McDonalds was the last I will have... *sighs8 I try to think of it as eating rotting meat. Did you know that as SOON as something dies it begins to rot? so all of our refridergation and storage and preseratives is to slow the rotting process.. not to stop it. *shudders* I should wirte that up on a little card and pull it out and look at it everytime I get a desire for some bar be que.

YEs I'm rambling... but somehow being free of those that you love is a satisfying as being with them. Why is that? I stil feel the need to protect hsoe I love fromthe full force of my oddness. The ony person who knew how strange I was has passed on. NOt died...at least not physically, but he has killed our friendship. Plants and friendships are too things that die very quickly with consious neglect. But he was strange as shit too... so I guess that explains that.

I wonder what my life wil lbe like? I wonder if I will ever settle down? I wonder why I feel the need to? Somehow.. I think that i have some gypsy blood in me. The need to move on and on and on....*sighs*

I'm at work and I'm so sleepy yet I continue to write... The dance of my fingers over the keyboard is hypnotic..and somehow what I'm writing is no longer really coming from aconsious place. I am wirting twhat I am thinking totally.. nohing else is occupying my mind but the words.. the pure floww..ahh. I need to sleep tonight... but it is so lovely.. I think that I will go out. maybe.

Monica (the singer) has a wonderufl new cd out. I am hooked on her first song Street Symphony. 1) it has the LOVELIEST string section playing in it. 2) She is really SINGING on here...about something that (from the sound of it) has actully affected her.

I want to go and hear the orchestra...I thik that will be my going back to school gift to me. Tickets to the ASO. *smiles*

Good night all... stay Jazzed.