J said - Peer Pressure

I realized that to most people I am incredibly strange. I am simply NOT the norm. Never really wanted to be. Well maybe...once or twice. But anyhow.. I realized that compared to most of my peers...I'm damn strange. I listen to jazz more than hip hop. I read more than I watch TV. I prefer Malaysian food over Mcdonalds. I collect journals instead of mementos. I take black and white pictures of nothing instead of color pictres of people. I like to be alone...even when I'm with others. I'm not interested in sports, politics, actors actress or super stars. I would prefer to read Discover to Vibe any time. I want to be a writer when I grow up. I want to Grow Up. I want a house NOW. I want to garden. I dream in techni-color *laughs* but you get the picture...and sometimes I cacth myself feeling guilty for not being even remotely normal. I find that chit chat and small talk is hard for me to do. I mean..what common ground can we meet on to chit chat abbout?? So I tend to stay silent...watching from the outskirts...noticing group flows and interactions...but nevere really a part of it. And sometimes I feel sorry for me...then I realize that I am unique. Quite totally. While I have had many a person say I favor someone...I have never been able to remind people of someone else. And to me...that is a blessing. Very few people forget me, once they have talked to me for a while. Simply by being ME I stand out even as I'm blending in.
So I feel bad. Sometimes. and other times I firmly decide that I hate humans. I wrote, for a drama class, this loooonnnggg drama/play called Jupiter Lives. Basically it went through my life and stated that


And as I live, and as I grow into the woman I am...through me Jupiter Lives.


My momma lied to me shamelessly as a child. She told me that I was from Jupiter.. that her 'real' daughter was on Jupiter and we were part of some exchange program. Now while in cold print that seems kinda cruel...to me it was always an explanation of why I am so DIFFERENT. I have an extra line on the ring finger of my right hand. a little thing but... *grins* that is my symbol of ALien origins... I have only met one other person in my life who has an extra line...and he is kinda out there too.

SO that is why sometimes I hate humans. mainly because I'm NOT one...and because they do REALLY stupid things sometimes. not that I don't...but I shouldn't.

Have I psycho-analyzed my terror of messing up? Maybe... I'm reading a book now called Women's Bodies, Women's Minds and it says that we as women have become distanced from ourselves. We have been trained to ignore what feels GOOD in favor of that we have been TOLD is right. *sighs* So I guess I'm gonna go with what feels RIGHT to me...and if I mess up...well us Aliens aren't perfect either.


J.