J said - Infinity is unknowable

I peel off the layers
And stand naked
before me

Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more

As I peel
I see
I dissolve away
I change out of
but not into
a shell
of me

Beggarman
Thief
Whore
what more



Babbling...I don't know what has come over me. I see words and phrases in my mind and I must write them. Maybe it's all the non fiction reading I've been doing. Maybe it is my own confusion about what is 'right' and whose morals I should lean on. Maybe it's a(nother) attempt to define me. For who I am.. undiluted by who other people think I am. What can I do? That will satisfy me? Can I ignore my momma...my friends...my sorority? Can I change into that woman who I want to be? Who is she?

*siiiiiiiiiiggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh*


I want to do so many things.. things that are...kinda obscure.. no not obscure...just odd. Things that most folx DON't want to do...but I yearn for. A new experience. something...new.


Beggarman
Thief
Whore


Okay.. no I have no CLUE where they are coming from.. they just keep popping in and out of my mind. beggarman.. thief...whore.


Do you believe in past lives? Do you believe in present ones? I feel like I'm about to burst out of my skin...


peeling off
layer by layer
inch by inch


I want to be someone else. Not me but me. I want to be the me that I should have always been. Dammit. I don't know who she is though. I have to work towards her.. never knowing if I getting closer or further away.


until I can see
I will follow the path
I have not made

until I can hear
I will listen to the words
I have not spoken

until I can breathe
I will
die
over and over again


I need a guide to life. and NO I don't want the power of living....I need a guide to MY life. what should I do? where should I go? now I understand why people call 'psychics'. The unknowledge of my life is overwhelming. I am drowning in darkness. I don't KNOW what I should know..I don't know where I should go. so I stand still.


too many choices
overload

too many paths
terror

too much to think about
sleep


I wish that I had a guide.

I guess I can't trust in myself. not anymore. not...fully. I have made errors. I have been human. *shudders* I have become so used to everything going smoothly that once it isn't I don't know what to do. What can I do? what can I do....


I have choices.
I have options.
I have a goal.


Will it be reached?


J.