Issues: Part 1

*sighs*
The times of my life... I tell you.. sometimes I don’t know what I am going to do with myself. I have a pair of issues that I am dealing with right now... and none of them do I know what to do with.... okay...

1) Tashi.
She isn’t an issue in and of herself. It is more how I interact with her that is the issue. I don’t know really what she wants from me and that does make a difference in how I treat her. It has too. I am afraid that she wants more than I am willing to give. In fact I know that she wants more than I am willing to give, and I have to wonder if she will be happy with what I can offer. It’s odd because I don’t write about her much, and what I do write about her tends to be really superficial...but this time I need.. I want to go down deep into our relationship. We started as partners in a three-some. I wanted her husband first, then I wanted her. I got her.. mostly to myself, and loved it. I loved that fact that I didn’t have her all to myself either. Then he got tired of seeing the love that he felt was his go to another and he left. Now I have her all to myself and I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t really want a girlfriend, not because she is a girlfriend but more because I have no freaking clue what to do with her. How to work that whole human to human interaction thing when there is a ‘relationship’ involved. I don’t know how to balance her emotions with my general cool, calm and damn near Vulcan side. I don’t know how to tell her what I want, because I don’t know what I want. Sometimes I feel that it is unfair of me to ask her to put up with me not knowing what or who I want from one moment to the next. I wonder how long she will endure it. How long I will let her endure it.
What brought all this to a head?? This past week has sucked majorly as far as our relationship goes. It started on MLK Day ( well actually the day before) when I had been at her house, or a t least with her for almost a week straight. I had to be gone and on my way by 8 the next morning and I wanted to go home. However I knew that she would not be happy about the fact that I was leaving, and so I put off asking her to take me home/to the train station. When I finally did ask her.. she got quite upset and damn near started tearing up. Now.. if there is one thing I can’t stand it is anyone evincing a dependency on me that smacks of need. *frowns* I don’t know if that came out right. I hate to feel as though I am such a part of someone that if I am not there they are not happy. It scares me, and it is more emotional responsibility than I think that anyone should have to deal with. Missing someone is cool.... if you haven’t seen them for over a month. But a day? A few days? A night? *sighs* too much drama for me. So that started my coolness. I wanted her to back off, to release some part of her need for me. Apparently I did the job slip shod and half assedly because now she says that she is afraid to ask me over, afraid to touch me for fear that I don’t want to be touched. *sighs* and that is how this past week has gone.. me not wanting to touch her cuz I think she is mad, her not wanting to touch me for fear that I will be cold. So that is the state of affairs that I am at know. And since, according to the talk that we had this morning, the stiffness that has crept into our relationship is mostly my fault.. I have to come up with some solutions to it. *shrugs* Honestly...I don’t really know what to do. So far I have only come up with three 1) Break up. Just toss the relationship out, and keep the friendship 2) Forget the whole thing ever happened. Write it off as a miscommunication and forget about it 3) Start over. Set up guidelines for each thing that happens. For each occurrence of miscommunication, gain a bureaucracy that will attempt to rule our hearts and our minds. Those have been the only things that I have been able to come up with and I am not sure that any of them will work. Which would I prefer?? I don’t know.... to me friends have always been more important and more rare than lovers. Thus... if we break up and keep the friendship, I would be happy. If we stay together and keep the friendship, I would be happy. And, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she was trying to stay friends with her soon to be ex husband. But with him the love had faded to be replaced with a kind of endurance. She put up with him, endured him, and that was about it. I don’t think that she was any longer in love with him, and that of course, makes all the difference. I think that I will do a reading with my love cards and see what they say.