every beginning...is another beginnings end.

What are you passionate about? What excites you and brings forth joy? What would you want to do no matter what no matter where no matter why? My immediate response would have to be photography and writing/reading. But at the same time I can’t lay claim to those passions because I am not passionate about them. I don’t burn to take pictures... my hands don’t feel empty when I don’t.... I don’t feel lost when I am not writing (even though I do it so much and so casually ..maybe I am always writing) but somehow I feel that I drift through life. No.... I have figured out two of my new years resolutions.. just by looking at my life and figuring out what was wrong with it. 1) I will work out. Every day. Without fail. I have no excuse.. no reason NOT to. 2) I will tell the truth. Honest unflinching. And if I can’t tell it to myself here.. where else will I be able to tell it at?? So... in pursuit of being able to tell my own version of my truth.. the private unvarnished angry shit I told Tasha that I wrote.. I am making my diary private... yeah... I will vanish off of the face of the OD to all intents and purposes..but I never really came here for those other folx. I cam e here for me, for what I need to do...for what I need to be about. So, back to what I was saying. I don’t feel that I drift through life. I KNOW that I drift through life. Most of the major and important things that have happened e to me in my life have come about through little to no effort on my own part. I don’t think I have ever truly fought for anything. I don’t think I have ever felt passionate enough ABOUT anything to fight for it. I feel like a big fat old sloth, and most of the time I act like one too. It is sad and ugly and utterly ridiculous because it is limiting me in who I am and who I can become. So I want to try to pull some of the slothhood out of me and trample it by the roadside. I have noticed that my diet makes I difference. I have been eating carbs with a vengeance all this week and god knows I have not felt like doing anything but laying up in bed, reading, and eating more carbs *shudder* So as of Monday of next week (the 24th) I am back on my diet. Strict as ever... and maybe even a little stricter. And I will start to work out. *shrugs* NPO choice. I remember someone saying to me that they did not have the will power to be on a diet... and I told them that it wasn’t really about willpower. I t was all about saying that for my life... for my health... I have NO other choice. For my life and what I want my life to be.. I have no other choice. It isn’t an option anymore... it is a total need. It’s like saying I have the will power to breathe. HAH! No.. I have no choice. Anyway...enough about the diet and so forth... the real issue at hand is Tasha.... it’s all about Tasha. I don’t know what I want. I wonder if us being friends and only friends wouldn’t be a better thing... and then my mind comes up with will what would the major difference be. Tasha is talking about how she may spend the rest of her life alone. I don’t see that happening. And oddly enough.. that marks another difference between us. I wouldn’t really mind spending most of my life no in a relationship. I have my friends, my family and my work. I have more love than I know what to do with.. and to me sex isn’t a biggie. To her however, the thought of being alone is scary somehow... she doesn’t see the value or the strength in aloneness. In the silence and peace you can’t get any other way then being utterly by yourself. She has been in a relationship with the same man for 10 years... and yet she says that she knows herself. How can you know fully who YOU are... when most of your maturing.. your growing up has been done in the presence of one person? I told her that she was sliding out of one marriage and trying to slide right into another one. And that is the truth. She wants a ready made love affair there for her that is like the old one as much as possible... but with a woman and with the total and full truth in volved within it. I know me.... I know what plans that I have made for me life.... : ) They area good bit different from what she wants, what she plans. And I don’t know if we will be able to make those wants and planes mesh together. So am I saying that we will break up?? Not now.. no I don’t think so... but at some point in the future?? Yes... the fairytale is over and real life has poked it’s nosy little head in.... and I hope that we can spilt with peace... with a measure of dignity and calm.
Okay.... in pursuit of my NSL (non slothful life) I am about to finally clean my house as I have been saying that I will do all damn week. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.