Seconds in Time

I don’t think that anything could hurt as much as this does here. Even as I wondered what we were going to do.. I had always assumed that we would be able to do it together. I mean damnn.. I have worked harder at this relationship...consciously worked harder at it than anything else. And yet is still fell to pieces around me. I can’t give her what she needs she says. If what she needs in someone who can drop everything for her.. no I can’t.. I have some other life-long paths in front of me. If she means someone who gives up her every waking moment to her.. no I can’t.. I would be suffocated to death. If she means someone who can love her and respect her and want to be with her...then that I can do. I thought it would be enough. I guess I was wrong.

Nothing stopping me from going to Indy now. I think I will call them Monday... iron out a few more details and sign the damn papers.

Ouch. This is really shocking me in how much it hurts. I have always been the cool and collected one.... shrugging relationships off with not a look back or a missed step. But this one...hurts. *sighs* Maybe it’s cuz I am the one getting dumped this time around. And the fact that I am quite hormonal doesn’t help either.
Shit. Whoever it was who said that sex made the world go round wasn’t lying. IT can make it go round.. or it can make it stop.

I said a looonnggg time ago that I needed to stay out of relationships. It seems like I was right. I knew it was coming to this point. I told one of my friends last night... " We have hit that discovery zone. We are diggin up things about each other that we don’t like very much" damn. I didn’t think it would be this bad...or this soon.

One thing I have noticed about me... when I feel death coming I don’t fight it... I don’t try to hold it back. I guess I have acknowledged that death is a part of every life cycle. So when I feel something is dying.. I don’t try to hook it up to life-support cuz that means nothing more than an extension of pain and a delay of the utterly inevitable.

Okay... this is odd. Why I am telling my recently ex girlfriend that dammit she CAN make it on her own. All her life relationships (lovers) have been handed to her on a silver platter. And now she feels that she will be alone for the rest of her life because the perfect person won’t just fall into her lap. *sighs* This whole situation is weird as hell. Weird Weird weird. And ya know what? I don’t feel half as shitty anymore.

Yet the one person who REALLLLLY wanna talk to...is in NY. *sighs* Papi... come home.

Stay Jazzed.