Issues: Part 2

I did say something about a pair of issues didn’t I?? Welllll... I guess that means that I am honor bound to start spewing on the other set of issues too huh??

2) Me.
How banal... how obvious.. how utterly and fully and totally true. I think that I have more issues with myself and within my self than a little bit. And then again sometimes I wonder if I just think that I am odd in order to feel better about myself. If I worry about my own sanity in order to set myself as different from the rest of the mostly idiotic people in the world. I mean... what is there that is special about me (except my skill at breaking hearts?) So.. what are my issues with me??? I have so many that I am not sure where to start...but since I am on the whole relationship kick lets start there. I don’t interact with people very well. I don’t keep many friends (because I can cast them aside so easily) and I don’t open my heart up much. I have stopped blaming most of that on my twisted childhood, but still, I know that has something to do with it. I don’t really know how to properly interact with people.... when to know how to hold on and how to let go and when someone or something is worth fighting for. I say that I don’t blame it on my childhood because I am old enough and know enough about myself to try to start teaching myself how to be human...or at least a reasonable facsimile of one. I hit what I call my bitchy modes everyonce in a while where I really couldn’t give a flying fig about others.. and it is almost like someone else has taken over my body because the rest of the time I am almost a mushface trying to please everyone and keep everyone pleased with me. Okay.... so those are my main interpersonal issues.... then there are MY issues. Mainly the fact that half the time not only do I not know what is going on, but I don’t care. As I am writing this I wonder if I am being too hard on myself (damn near everyone else sees me as a near miracle) but I don’t think so. I am simply peeling away the layers of facade and looking dead at all of my insecurities and fears and doubts and trying to figure out how many of them are real and true and how many of them are just the loads of shit I think they are. I feel so shallow.... like a blank slide.. a blank plate.... I said in an earlier entry that I don’t have any passions.... mainly because I don’t have the depth or the backbone to hold on to them.. passions require a fight a sense of determination a sense of hope and hopefulness and determination and all of those other lovely action words that mean that you have gumption and there is a foot up you butt... even if it is your own. So....the whole exercise route that I am going I am doing mainly because I that... I figure that if I can stick to doing one thing... to making a few hours in my day count towards something that I am doing only for me...for no monetary or other outside gain... then maybe I can start having other passions... I can start REALLY writing like I used to, I can start taking the pictures that I see in my head all the time...I can start talking to people like I want to.. I can start making the friends and contacts that I need. *sighs*

Stay Jazzed.