I'll just Stand Stilll

How do you determine the line between TMI ( too much information) and what one would regularly put down in one’s diary? I mean there are things on my mind, that I want to write down...not to mull over or even to record… but I just wonder about. And then I’m like.. that would totally GROSS me out if I read it about someone else, so why would I want to write it down here, where other people can read? So I don't… nothing major. Just the odd convolutions that my female body goes through… I mean sometimes.. it gets REALLY ridiculous. And the fact that I STAY hopelessly dehydrated really doesn’t help either. Anyhow….I actually have something(s) of interest to talk about today.. of course they are all about me (that is what a diary is for right?) and… well I don’t know…for some reason the awareness that people might actually read and give a damn about what I am writing has just hit me.. *shrugs* anyway….
I have been thinking about.. how backwards I am in a lot of ways. Most everyone around me is focused on bettering themselves…whether it be physically, mentally, spiritually…or even emotionally. Everyone I know talks about the latest self-help project they are working on.. or what their goal for life is.. and sometimes I feel like…hell I ALWAYS feel like I’m standing absolutely still while everyone around me whips past on these wonderful life paths they have set up for themselves. *sighs* and the thing is.. I don’t think I’m perfect… I am just in a severe case of inertia… nothing is really… so bad with my life that I feel the need to actively work on changing it. Yeah.. I could afford to lose a few pounds, but for what I do with my life…my weight is fine. Religion & relationships is simply not something that interests me at this time…. I don’t bother them.. they don’t bother me.. .mentally… I am not looking forward to going back to school in any way, shape or form. I look at this last year as something I have to get out of the way before I can go on with the REAL business of living. So, what brought all this to the forefront of my mind.. two things really.. 1) listening to Nee talk to my mom about her plans in and after med. school. It is just amazing to see someone who is so certain of what they want to do…and kinda scary too. 2) Last night I went to this meeting about a new network marketing business that is getting started up…and as part of the business the gentleman who was running it asked what we would do the next day if money was no object.. and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was buy a house. And there isn’t a THING wrong with that……but at the same time.. it got me thinking on what my dreams are…what I really want out of life… and none of it has anything to do with school, or really even other people. All of my dreams are intensely personal, individual things. I don’t want to help the world, I want to write for the world…I don’t want to travel (really I don’t) I just want to have a home…that everyone wants to travel TO. I want to be able to wake up and decide.. hmm.. I think I will *shrugs* I don’t know go and shoot some snow scenes…and be able to drive to the mountains that day. *sighs* I don’t WANT to have a job…I don’t WANT a career… I want my life, and my books, and my camera, and my friends. At least at this point… I’m sure that later on I might want a husband.. and I know I want some kids…but that is sooo far in the future that it hasn’t even peeked over my dream horizon…so how does this revolve back to me standing still in life? I feel like I am … just here… I am not really LIVING. And I honestly don’t know if I know HOW to live…I know how to survive.. I know how to exist.. I know how to move so that life doesn’t move ME. But I’m not really sure on how to manipulate it and others to do what I want…and I know that is partly because I don’t Know what I want.. but I wonder if it’s more too. There is nothing that I am burning to do.. nothing that I have a passion for…and sometimes I think it is because I haven’t fully found my magic , and other times I think it is because I have no magic to find. I don’t feel worthless, but I wonder what am I good for? And then…*sighs* I feel like if I continue in this way for too long, I will turn around 20 years from now and ask myself what have I done with my life…and the answer will be absolutely nothing at all…and that scares me. But what scares me even more is turning and looking over my life twenty years from now, and realizing that what I have been doing I hate…and I hate what it has turned me into…*sighs* So I am stuck in an uneasy limbo.. not wanting to do anything for fear that it will be the wrong thing…but I suppose…when you don’t know what path you want to follow.. any path will work...hm? *sighs* I don’t know…and the unknowing makes it damn hard to…

Stay Jazzed.